Quick Update

Yes it's just another I'm still alive posts.

I'm typing this on the computer at my workplace. It's been months since I typed on a keyboard infront of a real monitor. The Wii barely passes as a web browser.

Anyways I'm still running both stores but the regional manager will be in next week and she said she would be making a decision about managment then. I'm hoping that she will decide to make me the new manager. I would need a little more training to really take over but I really feel like it would be the best thing for the stores and employees.

I bought a car. After three years of choosing not to own one, I am once more a car owner. It kind of became essentiall after the stores fell into my lap. I needed to be able to say, "I'll be there in five minutes," if something went wrong at either store, which has happened in the past month.

It is New Year's Eve so I guess a resolution or two is in order. I'm not really big on resolutions as goals to achive and cross off a list but rather as something to strive toward like world peace or eating less desert.

Resolutions for 2010:

Really the only one I care to make is: Make more progress in transition. I've made this resolution twice before but I don't feel like I've failed to achive it. While I'm not yet living as a woman in my day to day life, I have come out to my parents and at my previous job and I have started hrt. I'm marking my own path. It might be longer than others but I will arrive.

I gotta go the mall doors will be locked soon and I need to do laundry tonight. See ya soon I hope.

Gilly

Ubdate: Still alive

The rumors of my demise have been grossly inflated. I have been offline for most of the past month. Yes it is possible to get online with a Wii, however it is not very conveniant thus my absence.

Due to very unforeseeable events I am now in charge of both the cookie store and the pretzel shop as acting genaral manager until it is made offical(what I hope happens) or someone is brought into the stores and made general manager(what I hope doesn't happen).

Two weeks ago my manager had a lapse in judgement and lost his job. I don't want to say anything else about the matter.

I'm worried about lossing the stores. This job feels so right. Over the past two weeks I've felt stressed out and tired but I've not once felt like not going to work. I love the people I work with and they have shown me that I mean something to them as well. Friday I had a bit of a breakdown out work. The stress plus not knowing what my district manager was planning for the store came crashing down on me. I left a little early but before I left several of my workers, seeing me upset, came over and reasured me that I was a good manager and I was doing fine. I feel a level of acceptance from these people that overwhelms me. I Know tht if I came out to them they would be fine wih it. Some might be confused but I don't think any would quit or misstreat me. I've felt this way for a while now and had been building up the courage to come out first to my manager then the rest of my coworkers. I had hoped that my manager could help protect me from any negative reactions from the regional or district manager. He was LGBT friendly and not one who would fire someone for any reason other than not doing what they were being paid to do. Now I'm alone. I wish could say my entire team would walk out if I was fired for beening trans but I really don't want to put anyone in that position. So for now I've put coming out on hold until I'm in a less shakey position.

It's been a crazy ride from quiting one job to being hired at the cookie store to assistant manager and now acting manager in just over a year. And yet it feels like I'm where I belong. I feel like I'm among family at work. I feel like I never want to lose this and I'm afraid I will.

New hire/transgender issues

I'm back online after being cut off from my digital world due to a damaged phone jack. I've had a new one installed in a place where it is much less likely to be damaged. I'm still using my Wii to post but I have gotten a usb keyboard to type with.

The last couple of weeks were spent training the manager and assistant manager for the new pretzel store my company is opening in the next few weeks. I had a great time mainly due to the two to them being great people to work with and to teach.

This week I am again training someone but not for another store. This guy is not the first person that has been hired for my store but he is the first that I have personally hired. I've work with him before at a previous job so I wasn't just hiring blindly from an aplication. I've had one day with him so far and I think he's going to work out great.

I'm feeling more depressed lately about not coming out at work and in general life. Yesterday a man asked me what Gil was short for. He was ofcourse refering to my name tag. I hesitated and he went on to suggest some possible names, "Gillian, Gilligan, 'Jillian'" and a couple more female names. I was mildly stunned and was vague and didn't confirm anything.

I hesitated becaue I didn't want to say 'his' name(I've stated thinking of it as his name rather then my name, which is probably not a very mentally healthy thing to do). I cringe inside when my coworkers call me by his name. This is rare as they all call me Gil or Gilly, which I know is short for his name but it's also short for the name I've chosen for myself, Gillian.

My new hire saw my transgender symbol necklace and asked about it. I was able to deflect his question and change the subject but part of me wishes I didn't have to. I wish I could make this big issue a nonissue. I could by coming out. However (I've said it before and I may say it a hundred more times before I stop believing it), I'm afraid I'll lose everything. I'm afraid that my life is a card house and my coming out would be like a gust wind scattering it into disarray.

Another update brought to you by the Wii

Still haven't got a usb keyboard but pointing at letters is not as bad as using a thumbstick at least in my opinion.

News item - I got a cat or to be more accurate she found me last week on my way to wash clothes. She just came out of nowhere and started meowing loudly while following me. When I saw her blindly run across the street yo follow me, I knew I either had to take her home or well, at that point I couldn't see an alternative.

I decided to name her Pia, which is short for pain in ass. She has lived up to her in the past week. She cries alot when I'm not around, which is to be expected what with her being in a new place. She does stop if someone is around but does start up again when she sees me come in the room.

Thought item - Wednesday will mark one year at my current job. I should be making this post then but I will probably not feel like doing it then.

One year ago I was just about to run out of money after taking a month long 'vaction' after quitting my previous job, which paid well but was also stressing me out to the point of having panic attacks. So I set out to find a job and lucked out and got hired my first day job hunting.

Now one year later I'm the assistant manager to the store, I'm a salaried employee, I'm in charge of the pretzel shop the company added to the cookie store, this week I'm training two people to run a second pretzel shop in another city and next month I will be there to help them open it.

I feel like so much good stuff has happened jobwise for me but on a personal level I feel like I've been standing still. I've formed strong bonds with the people that I work with. They feel like family most of the time. But I still have not come out to them. I know I don't have to but doesn't feel right to hide who I am from them. I'm scared that the fear of losing everything I've accomplished in the last year will be for nothing when I'm fired after coming out as trans. I don't know that will happen.

Ok lets try a little positive thinking. Best case senario - I tell my boss and he backs me 100%, I transition and stay working a job Iove and with people I love. It feels like a future that could be if I if I'm brave enough to reach for it.

Posting from wii

So its been awhile since I posted. I had one week of just being too tired to post. One week and a half of being depressed and not feeling like posting. And then my netbook stopped working. I took it back to Best Buy to have it fixed. After three weeks they called me to pick it up. When I got there I was first told that they couldn't fix it but after reading the papers that came back with it and asking a few questions I determined that there was a problem with their parts ordering/repair tracking system. I got a full refund for the netbook and the service plan I had bought for it.

There wasn`t another netbook there that Iliked so I held onto the money over the weekend before deciding to buy a wii.

Quite a bit has happened in the last few weeks but it is really slow typing this one letter at a time. Expect a longer post when I get a usb keyboard in the next few days.

Work Update and a small story

School has started. How do I know this? I know this because the mall is like a ghost town. Which means sales are way down which means we've had to scale back our employee's hours a lot. In fact the past two night's I have worked the pretzel shop alone for the last few hours. It's not too bad cause the pretzel shop is connected to the cookie store so I can call across for help if I need it.

The cookie store has also been hit by the return of school. Tonight there were only three of us from 6pm, when I sent the other girl working on my side home, to close (about 9:30pm).

It's likely that we will lose a few employees due to cutting back their hours. My own job is secure as is my pay since I'm working for a set salary.

Storytime: So I was up front at my counter when a couple walked by. I said hello and smiled. They said hello back and said they were just looking and walked past toward the cookie counter. There was no one else nearby so I walked into the back room to get a clean towel. My manager was walking back to the front and as he exited the back he called back to me that I had costumers. I hurried back and heard him say, "Gilly will be right back." I saw it was the couple that had just walked by. The woman then said something to the effect of, "Oh that's ok he..She was just here." I walked up while she was saying this and was standing in front of her when she made the correction. I said nothing about being called 'she.' I think I caught my manager give me a look for not saying anything, out of the corner of my eye.

I like being called she. It feels right. Usually people who call me she "correct" themselves and apologize even though I don't say anything. I'm up in air as to why she corrected herself from he to she. Was it based on my appearance? Did being called Gilly trip her pronoun flag? Did she miss hear Gilly as Lilly? In the end it doesn't really matter but it does makes me wonder.

And then there is the matter of my boss. I've not told him that I'm transgender or that I'm planing on transitioning. I think he might suspect something but he respects personal boundaries and won't say anything unless it effects my job in some way. So ultimately no real change there for now.

Restarting HRT

I've decided to restart HRT. It's been on my mind off and on for the past week. There are numerous reasons for and against restarting HRT. In the end it comes down to me deciding this is what I need to do right now.

I really don't have much more to say. This post is mostly for me to be able to look back and see when I made this decision.

Moving Update 6

Even with my dad cosigning on the lease I was not approved for an apartment at the complex I wanted to get into. This happened Monday but this plus a depressive episode as kept me from posting. It's gotten bad enough that my boss mentioned that I seemed out of it the past couple of days. I was originally denied due to bad credit and this time because of my criminal background(I've been arrested once). All day Monday I kept thinking about how those actions that led to my having bad credit and a criminal record are actions that I would not take now. I've grown since then into a responsible person but that doesn't seem to matter. All that seems to matter is that I once was irresponsible and stupid.

I'm not giving up on finding an apartment. This is merely a bump on the road not a roadblock.

Moving Update 5

I got a call Friday morning from the woman who has been handling my apartment application. She told me that I had been denied based on my credit. She suggested I could get someone to co-sign the lease. I made a call to my parents and after a little discussion they agreed to help me out. There is still a chance that they could be denied but I feel like I've the one big hurdle and everything will work out from here on out.

When I found out I was denied, my mood fell from happy/excited to crushed/wants to give up. I felt this way all morning. It was a random act of kindness that broke me out of it. While leaving my bank after depositing my check, a woman and a young boy like four or five years old were walking out in front of me. I was about ten feet behind them but the boy stopped to hold the door open for me. It was a small gesture but it was a nice moment in an otherwise sucky morning.

Moving Update 4

I got the call this morning that a one bedroom was available to rent. I've paid the application fee and put down the deposit. They faxed an employment verification form to my manager which he didn't get to until after they had closed for the night so I should hear back from them tomorrow. I feel very optimistic.

Moving Update 3

I found this comic to be very funny and relevant to current events in my life.

I went by the leasing office for the apartment complex I want to move to and filled out an application. Before I filled it out I was informed that all of the apartments of the floor plan I wanted were rented out. The complex has five floor plans, three one bedroom plans and two two bedroom plans. Each plan is bigger than the one before it and a little more expensive of course. The all the one bedroom apartments had applications pending for them but there one of the smaller two bedrooms available.

After some quick mental math I decided I could afford the two bedroom and went ahead with the application. There's still a chance that I might a one bedroom if someone's credit comes back really bad.

I could have waited another month and a one bedroom would probably have come up available but I've already said I want to move by the end of this month. If I put it off, it would feel like I was taking a step backwards. This is like the next big step in my journey through life and I don't want to wait any longer than I need to.

Moving Update part 2/Doritos Tacos at Midnite review

So due to the webcomic archive binge(Full Frontal Nerdity, Today Nothing Happened, and Permanatly Seated) I went to sleep around 5 am last night. I woke up around 2 pm but then I realized I had no nice clean clothes so I stuffed my big duffel full and walked to the laundromat. I got my ussal treat on the way, a large cup of cucumber and cantaloupe covered with lime and chile powder. This is something I'm going to miss once I move. I may have to start making it myself (thinks about slicing fruits and vegetables up). It shouldn't be too hard.

While I was washing my clothes I walked across the street to get a snack from the gas station. This is also part of my clothes washing routin. Ussally I get a hotdog, a bag of chips and a soda but today I decided to skip the dog and just get chips. As I entered the chip aisle I saw a new flavor of Doritos called Tacos at Midnite. The bag looked a little weird and when I looked it over I saw it had one of those symbols that you show to your webcam at the site the bag says to and in the image of you holding the bag the site inserts something over the bag and you can like turn it and move it by just moving the bag. I've always wanted to try that so I bought the chips.

Now, I like Doritos and not just the regular nacho or ranch flavors, so believe me when I tell you these chips did not taste as good as other Doritos I have eaten. I ate about half the bag and just could not convince myself to finish them. Normally if I pay for some food item I will finish it even if it isn't as good as I thought it would be. So for me to say I could not finish these chips and thew away half the bag is kind of a big deal. I kept the bag cause I did want to try out the webcam/bag thing, which ran very slow and choppy my netbook for some reason. So in the end I didn't get a tasty snack nor did I get a fun interactive web thing out of the Doritos Tacos at Midnite chips bag.

Moving Update

Friday I told my sister I had been thinking about moving out soon. She took it well. So right now the plan is to find an apartment and move out by the start of September. I could probably move out now but I don't want to just yank my part of the bills/rent out from under my sister's feet.

Tomorrow I'm going to look into getting an apartment in this complex near my work. If I can swing an apartment there it will be so sweet. Not only is it close to my work but there's a bank branch office and a supermarket within a ten minute walk. Right I'm a thirty minute bus ride from any one of those. I so want to get in there.

I don't have a lot to move, mostly books and bookcases and my bed. I have other stuff but those are the big items. I've started bringing home collapsed boxes one at a time so that when the day comes all I have to do is tape the bottoms.

Looking around my room I've started trying to imagine how all my stuff is going to fill or not fill my new apartment. My room is cramped with three full size bookcases, a desk with a bookcase over it, a small book case and my bed but I've seen the floor plans for the apartment I want to rent and it's at least three times as large as my room. Its going to be a bit bare until I can get some furnature like a couch or a table or even just a chair. I'm excited by thoughts of buying a set of pots and pans.

DnD online game

So in two weeks I will begin playing in a 4th Edition Dungeons and Dragons game online over skype. It will be my first time playing a tabletop roleplaying game. The game will be DMed by Alexandra Erin the author of Tales of Mu and other web serial stories. A couple of months ago she started posted about 4th Edition Dungeons and Dragons. At the time I had recently listened to the Penny Arcade/PvP D&D podcasts and was excited to read more about 4E.

About two weeks ago she put out the call for people interested in forming an online gaming group that will play over skype. Tonight I checked her gaming blog, The Grown Up Game Table, and saw she had posted tentative rosters for the two groups she will be running and I'm on the Sunday roster.

I'm putting the final touches on my character and writing up her background, which I'll be posting here to keep safe. This is the perfect way to end a very blah day.

PS I did clean up my room.

I hate my brain

My room is a mess. Now when I say it's a mess I don't mean there are a few things on the floor, I mean I can't see the floor. The only clear space is near the door. My mattress is part way off the boxspring, the fitted sheet barely covering it. I can see that it needs to be cleaned. I want to clean it. I hate for it to be this messed up but I've been distracting myself from feeling depressed with the internet. I just realized I was doing this a few minutes ago. I hate that I do this. When I feel this way I don't feel like doing anything but doing nothing is a good way to spiral down into really bad thoughts so I end up spending hours surfing the nets.

I did laundry earlier so it's not quite as bad as I said but it has been for about a week. Even this post is a way to distract myself. Tomorrow I start my work week which is good because being at work makes me feel better even when I feel this bad.

I'm going to try to focus long enough to clean my room.

Trans in the not so big city

Back when I came out at my last job my boss revealed that I was not the first transperson that had worked there.

I remember blurting out, "Who?" before realizing how rude and privacy invading that might be and quickly followed up with, "That is if you can tell me." Yeah, I might not have wanted to invade their privacy but I still wanted to know. He said her name and I immediate remembered her(since then I have forgotten her name but not what she looks like). She was a delivery driver for a few months until she left for another job that paid better for each delivery. I remember the first few times I saw her something about her appearance set off a faint tingle through my brain. Not that I saw her thought, "She's transgender." It was more a whisper in a noisy room. Easy to ignore if I wanted too and since I really didn't feel the need to make an ass out of myself and straight up ask her I put those thoughts away.

At the time I wasn't even out to myself. I was in deep denial about being transgender myself but reading tons of stuff online anyways.

Today she and what I can only guess were her parents came by the pretzel shop. We were in the middle of a rush so I had no chance to even say hi. I don't even know what I might have said other than, "Hi..uh..remember me?..We both worked at (that deli)?..So how you been?..Yeah that sounds great!..um..So see yeah later." It not like I could just blurt out, "Hey you're transgender right? Guess what me too!" Yeah I see that ending badly.

Why am I even thinking about this? It's cause I feel very alone here in my city. It's a small city with no visible LGBT community. So of course the one person I know of that is trans, who also happens to be close to my age, and I have no way to talk with her. It selfish and maybe a little creepy, I know, to want to be her friend just cause she's trans but there's no one else I know of.

Random update

Yesterday something strange but pleasant happened. One of my employees referred to me as she repeatably during the day. It was strange because she hasn't done it before and I'm not out to her as trans but for some reason yesterday she kept saying she. This felt nice even if she did correct herself about half the time. It was kind like a preview of what's to come.

In other news I have decided to move out of the apartment I share with my sister and her kids in Sept. This will give me a month to get everything in order. I've made the decision but haven't told my sister yet. I haven't even told her about my raise yet. I don't know why I haven't.

I told my parents the other day about how I was now working on a salary. They weren't very excited. They expressed concerns that the company might ask me to work a lot of extra hours. I will have to work a minimum of 45 hours a week but I've already been working those kinds of hours so thats not a problem. I think they might be worried that I'm settling for a 'lesser' job. In other words, they think I should be doing something more important.

At one point in my life I might have agreed with them. Lately I've been asking myself, "Are you happy doing the work you are doing?" and the answer is yes. I am happy here doing the work that I do. I know that in the grand scheme of things running a pretzel shop is not very important. But we serve a purpose in the day to day lives of those that come to the mall and those that work in the mall. Until cheap robot workers can be made to take over mundane jobs, like making pretzels, leaving the human race to gaze intently at their navels all day, someone has to do it. And I don't see why it shouldn't be me.

The Hardest Part Is Saying The First Word

I said a few posts ago that I wasn't going to worry about coming out at work until I was ready but now I'm feeling that I may need to tell my manager and regional manager soon. They made me a salaried employee. To offer something like that to someone who has been with a company for less that a year is a big deal. It's a big deal to me at least. They could easily have just given me a modest raise like I was expecting. I was looking for table scraps and they threw me a steak.

I don't feel it's my duty to tell them but I feel like I don't want to rock the boat too much when I do transition. I wasn't worried about that before cause as much as I liked the job and wanted to keep it and as many times as I've been told I am a good and valuable employee, I thought I could always find another job. Now I feel like a valued employee and don't want to lose this job.

---

My boss asked me what I was going to do with all the money I'm going to be making. I said I didn't know but I do. As he asked me the numbers began dancing in my head sorting themselves into neat piles.

One pile for living expenses.
One pile for savings.
One pile for electrolysis.
One pile for HRT.
One pile for doctor visits.
And one pile for whatever I want.

But I couldn't tell him about the electrolysis or HRT so I just lied like I always do when something like this comes up. I want to stop lying.

ZOMG!!!

I'm a salaried assistant manager! Woot!

I was expecting a raise due to minimum wage increasing to just a little less than what I was already making. My manager has been telling me that I would be getting a raise but at my last job I heard similar promises about getting a raise that took most of a year to bear fruit. So I was a little bit skeptical hearing that I would be getting a raise sometime after the pretzel store opened. I prepared myself for weeks if not months of being told that it would be coming. So I was somewhat surprised when my manager told me our regional manager was thinking about offering me a salaried position. I was completely floored when he called my into the office a few hours latter and told me they were offering me a salaried position that would pay not quite twice what I'm making now. I've heard of being speechless but never really experienced it till today. For several minutes I could not form words.

I think the hole closed up

A few days ago I woke up early to go wash at a near by laundrymat before going into work. I changed my earrings from the mysitic fire topaz studs to my dreamcatcher earings cause I wanted to wear them even if only for a few hours. I had a little trouble getting the left one through the hole. It felt like it went in half way then stopped. I had just taken out the other earring so I knew there was a hole there. After a little gentle prodding I was able to get it through. Latter when I removed the dreamcatcher earring and tried to put in the stud, I again could not find the hole. That time while trying to get the earring through the hole, I bled a few drops due to some less than gentle prodding. Rather than hurt myself more I gave up on that ear and just wore the one in my right. After work I examined my left ear better and noticed a lump in it which I do not have in my right. I decided not to try forcing an earring through my left ear and to let it heal and repierce it latter.

At this time the lump has shrunk quite a bit and is almost gone. The hole seems to have closed up but I am reluctant to try to hard to put in an earing. My right ear is fine and I have had no problems inserting earrings like I was with my left.

Update eight months later: The next day the lump was almost gone and I was able reinsert an earing. I did have apply a little bit of force and it bleed a little but it didn't really hurt and was not that hard since I was just reopening the hole. I followed up by treating that ear as if it had just been pierced, applying the cleaning solution I was given and rotating the earing once a day and not taking it out until it was completely healed, about two or three more months.

On names

At work we have a couple of dry erase boards that we use for keeping track of when the current dough was pulled out and when it expires. Yesterday I noticed that someone had written the names of everyone who works full time on the pretzel side along with the statement, "We the best." I was amused by it but also bothered a little. See whoever wrote the names used my full first name, Gilbert.

I have mostly stopped going by Gilbert using the shorter Gil or Gilly. There are a few of my employees who call me by my full name but it's a rare occorance and it doesn't bother me much. But seeing it written down like that felt wrong. I took a piece of paper towel and wiped off 'bert' leaving just Gil which made me feel better.

Interesting note: Gilly, the nickname my manager gave me and those closest to me at work call me, is a variant of Gilberte, the feminine form of Gilbert.

Fired a guy today

I fired an employee today. I don't know how I feel about it.

On one hand he was a good kid. He was polite, respectful, and obedient. On the other hand he spent a lot of time just standing around even after we explained to him that he needed to stay busy. My manager has been wanting to fire him for about three days. I've been holding him off trying to give the guy a chance. I tried to keep him busy hoping he would pick up on staying busy. Today I put him on rolling and baking pretzels. He did good at rolling them out and twisting them into shape. He was a little slow but that would have changed with practice. But when I stopped telling him what we needed baked he stopped baking. This bothered me but I think what finally tipped the scales was I saw my other employee getting frazzled because he wasn't helping her enough during a rush.

Did I do the right thing? Could I have trained him better? Was I too lenient? These questions tug at my mind. I am not really bothered by them though. I made what I hoped was the best decision for my store and employees.

A Step Towards Moving Out

So today I made a couple of phone calls to find out if I owed anything to the light company or the phone company I plan on using if/when I move out on my own.

I haven't had a bill in my name for around five or six years. See about six or seven years ago I had been living with my sister for about two years when we started to get late notices on some of our bills which at the time were in her name. This happened because neither of us was very good at budgeting money at the time. Over the past few years we've both gotten better about it but at the time we were terrible. We were slowly sinking under the weight of these bills that we could not possible pay so we switch everything over to be under my name, which worked for about a year until our bad money habits started to sink us again. We cut some luxuries and with the help of a friend who loaned us his info to put the light back on we started to learn how to not get into binds like that and for the most part we have kept in the black except for those rare time when one of us was jobless.

In the aftermath of our stumblings I was left with some unpaid bills as was my sister. Today when I called I found out that I was remarkable debt free which clears the way toward me living on my own.

I still haven't told my sister that I'm thinking about it. I had told myself I wouldn't take any steps in that direction until I talked to her, specifically that I wouldn't call about any old bills. So now I'm feeling a bit guilty about those calls I made. I know I shouldn't.

I feel like a door has opened but I'm too scared to walk through it. There is really nothing holding me back. I have a good steady job, a healthy savings account to cover moving expenses, deposits, first month's rent and bills. So long as I was approved for an apartment I could move within the week. But really I couldn't yet.

07-08-09

About half way through my shift today I started to feel really off. I burnt five trays of pretzels during the course of the night because I forgot about them. So what, you say, everyone forgets things sometimes. Which is true but this was excessive for me. Tonight I burnt more pretzels than in the previous week and a half. I just could not focus enough to remember. After the third tray I stopped and asked myself what was going on and that's when I realized I was starting to feel depressed. I still burnt two more trays cause knowing you're depressed doesn't stop you from being depressed.

This is a random depressive episode triggered by nothing. It feels fairly mild. I'm not bawling my eyes out or thinking about how my life is going to fall apart. I'm just feeling tired and everything feels gray, just kind of blah. I feel uninterested in life at the moment. I'm not having any bad thoughts.

And that's all I can care to write about tonight. Good night. Love you all. I'll see y'all on the flip side.

New earings

Today I bought myself some new earrings, which was like the last thing I expected to do today but it felt really good.

Here's a pic of the dreamcatcher earrings I bought:


I also bought these mystic fire topaz studs to wear during work since we aren't allowed to wear dangling earrings:


I bought two other sets of dangling earrings. One set are silver hoops on hooks with red beads hanging from the bottom and the other set has a brown/golden brown streaked stone hanging from a short chain with a golden brown bead in the middle of the chain. I can't find pictures of them and right now I'm failing at taking or uploading pics.

The studs I bought when I realized I wouldn't be able to wear my new earrings at work. Sounds kind of silly to buy a set of earrings just because you can't wear the other earrings you just bought at work but it feels completely justified to me, so there.

I changed from the studs I was wearing to the dreamcatchers at my work and got a few compliments before I headed home. I was a little self-consious at first but quickly shrugged it off.

Buying earrings may not be a very big deal but the way I felt while looking at them and while wearing them is. To be blunt I felt just fine, which is not how I would have felt just a year ago. A year ago I would have been nervous and scared to even be seen looking at earrings, let alone wearing them in public or at work. It's a little step forward but miles from where I started.

On being called ma'am

Recently I've noticed a slight increase in the number of times I'm called ma'am. I've even been called lady twice in the last few days. My friend Gillian would say it's all about energy and I would have to agreed.

I've been feeling more and more comfortable just being me. Letting go of the act I put on to be normal. Of course I'm not really a very good actress so mostly I'm just quiet. At least I used to be. I'm feeling more at ease letting myself act like I want to act instead of how I think I should act.

I've said before many times that I need to come out at work. I think I'm going to stop saying it cause it doesn't matter. The people I work with won't care and I've decided that if the higher ups don't like it they can just fire me and I'll find a new job. This is not to say that I won't come out at some point but I'm not thinking of it as something I have to do but as something I will do when the time is right for me.

Job Thoughts

I'm loving my job more everyday. It's hard to say why. I feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be right now. It'd strange how life turns around on you. For four years I worked in the same position at my old job never thinking about moving up. I look back at those years and I can admit to myself that I want to move up in position but was afraid to leave the safety of the familiar. After a short failed attempt at being a custumer service rep for a wireless phone company and desperate for any work I stumbled upon my current workplace. I never intended to stay here. I was just here until I found something better. From entry level employee to assistant manager in less than half a year. It's hard to wrap my head around it sometimes.

We're open for business!

We started late after having some problems with a mixer and the ovens but at 4pm we were rolling pretzels and by 4:30pm we were selling them to the line of people that didn't stop for two hours. I feel happy.

Sleep now cause tomorrow is going to be a long and busy day.

I may have outed myself

So this guy who is like very important in the company that owns the store I work in has been around the past couple of days because of the pretzel store construction and opening on Friday. Yesterday he saw my transgender pendent necklace and asked what the symbol on it was. I told him it was the symbol for transgender but he didn't know what that was and work came up so I didn't get to explain.

Now I'm afraid I've outed myself in a less than optimal way. My only hope in not being outed is for him to forget about it and not find out what transgender is due it the opening of the new store. I'm feeling a little scared that this is going to blow up and I'm going to lose my job.

Why did I tell him the truth? He gave me an out when he asked. He asked me, "What is the signifigants of this? If you don't mind me asking." I could have blown him off. I could have lied. I could have said anything but instead I told the truth. So, why? Because he asked. I see hundreds of people in a day. None of them ask. I work with the same ten people. Only a couple have asked and I told them too. I think I'm tired of living a lie. The me everyone knows, it's me but it's me filtered through the lie of being a man.

Part of me hopes he does look up transgender. Part of me hopes that I don't lose my job. Part of me hopes that I can become all of me instead of being just a part of me.

Busting makes me feel good!

So I've been in a bit of a depressive funk for like the past week. I'm still kind of feeling like nothing is good or right but it's getting better.

Today I cashed my check which was a little bigger than normal due to the four days of training in Beaumont giving me some overtime. I decided to treat myself by buying a new game, something I very rarely due. Normally I wait for the price to drop and buy a used copy.

I ended up buying four games. I bought the new Ghostbusters game, Mirror's Edge, Gears of War and Bioshock. Gamestop is having a buy two used games get one free so Bioshock didn't cost me anything.

The first game I put in my X-Box when I got home was Ghostbusters. This game captures the feel of the movies perfectly. The story feels right, the voice acting is great and the game play is fun. It is loads of fun blasting ghosts, grabbing them and stuffing them in a trap. I have even been spooked while playing this game. I got to fight the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man in the first level! The second level takes you back to New York Public Library to hunt down the ghost from the opening of the first movie. Besides feeling like a third movie I'm getting some vibes of the animated show.

I'll probably give the other three games a play in the next few days.

Update

The past few days I've started writing a post and then half way through it I just feel like it's just meaningless drivel. So I'm keeping this real short.

So I've been back home for a few days now. I learned plenty and can't wait to open the pretzel store here.

More and more I feel like I need to come out at work.

I put the AC on the window and am now enjoying the coolness at nights.

Um not much else going on. I'll try to update againg before the end of the week.

Here in Beaumont

I am currently enjoying the free wireless Fairfield Inn provides it's guests.

I and another employee from the store rode up with our regional manager. The drive up was mostly uneventful except for the two near accidents we had. First right outside of Victoria a man almost ran us off the road when he changed lanes right in front of us. We were in his blind spot but he should have looked before changing lanes. Later outside of Houston we were following a big truck and noticed papers flying out of the back occasionally. Suddenly an entire trash bag flew out and landed in front of the car. With no time to swerve at all my manager ran over the bag. When I looked back I didn't see the bag so we pulled over to free the bag. The act of stopping freed the bag and then we were on our way.

After checking in to our hotel we went to the mall the pretzel store we are going to be training at is in. L(the other employee from my store) and I only stayed a couple of hours before leaving to get something from the food court. We then walked around for a little while before meeting back up with C(our regional manager) and coming back to the hotel. Tomorrow the three of us will be running the pretzel store by ourselves.

Not much else going on at the moment. See ya later.

Oh yeah, according to everyone around me I have not stopped smiling all day.

One more day till I leave for Pretzel U. I'm so syced that I when I think about what I'm going to be doing next week I get a big cheesy smile. I've got just a few things to take care of like washing some clothes and buying an alarm clock to take with me. I'm not sure if there'll be one in the hotel or motel we're staying in. The last hotel I stayed in ten years ago(yeah I'm not big on traveling) didn't have one, they did have a wake up service but I think I would rather use an alarm clock. I need to get a new one anyways since the alarm in mine has stopped working. The clock part is fine, it's just the alarm part that's busted.

Besides the clothes I'll be wearing, which I'll be packing in my new duffel bag, I'll also be taking in my backpack:

netbook,
MP3 player,
Palimpsest,
Alias HC(this is an awesome comic series by Brian Michael Bendis),
generic pain relivers(I sometimes get headaches when I travel),
cellphone and charger,
hair elastics,
vitamin supplements,
disposable razors and shaving cream,
and other toiletries.

Well I've some how stayed up all night and the sun is rising. I think I will forgo sleep in this day cycle and crash early tonight. This will hopefully have the beneficial side effect of resting my sleep cycle to normal hours.

Since this may be my last post for a week I will say. "See you all in a week."

Advice needed!

So the other day I was going through my browser history looking for a webpage when I saw some entries for redtube. For those not in the know redtube is like youtube but for porn. Now I will not deny having gone there in past but not on the day that I was looking at in the history. After looking at the times and date I realized that on that day I had left my netbook at hone for my niece to type up a paper, because her laptop was on the fritz.

In Chrome opening a new tab displays your top nine most visited sites. While helping her mother look up something on my niece's laptop I noticed redtube was on the new tab page. I asked my niece to come help me with something in another room and told her what I had seen. Then I gave her tips on how to hide her viewing habits better and told her I wouldn't tell her mom.

Now I'm wondering if I made the right call. I'm thinking I should have a sit down conversation about safe sex with her to be sure she has good info. I am conflicted about not telling her mom. Should I tell her? I'm really unsure what her reaction would be.

Pretzel Training Trip Is A Go

So on Monday I and another employee, who has not been determined yet, will leave with our regional manager to Houston and return on Thursday as pretzel making masters. I am very excited about this trip. I've never been on a trip like this where everything was paid for by the company I worked for. Of course I've never been an assistant manager about to be placed in charge of a new store either. I feel like I've reached a new level in the game of life.

I'm unsure if I'll have internet access while in Houston so this blog might go silent for the week. If that happens I'll keep a daily diary that I can post when I get back.

I am so sorry/ Not dead

For any that saw my 'farewell' post I'm sorry. I wrote it like a month ago during a period of depression. I really don't know what I was thinking other than I wanted to be able to say goodbye if I did something or something happened. Yeah really messed up reasoning. I'm feeling much better than I was when I wrote that.

I'm very sorry for any distress this may have caused you.

Star Trek Afterthoughts

After watching a bootlegged copy of the new Star Trek movie Sunday night I decided to see the movie properly in the theater at least once. Today my niece and I went to see it. My niece is not a Trek fan but having seen the movie I thought she might like it and I personally like cultivating her inner geek. After the movie she told me that she had been confused at first but as the movie unfolded she caught what was going on. Her take on the movie as a whole was, "That was awesome!"

I would agree that the movie was awesome. Characters were spot on, the effects were grin inducing and I liked the story that was told.

Now one minor complaint.

I have a slight problem with how the female members of Starfleet are dressed. Nothing wrong with the minidress that 99% of them wear except that it isn't realistic. Why would a military organization have a different duty uniform for women? They wouldn't. The minidress uniforms are an artifact of a tv series that aired in the late 60's. Later series and movies did away with the different duty uniforms for males and females. So why is it in this movie? It feels very out of place considering that during the opening scenes, set twenty fiveish years earlier, there was nary a skirt to be seen. Skip forward 25 years storywise and suddenly every female Starfleet member is in a skirt. To make matters even stranger, I know I saw at least one female crew member wearing pants and a regular tunic. This makes it seem like given the choice between pants and a minidress, 99% of women would chose the dress. Yikes. Can anyone say big step backward?

I'm just saying they took the time to realize the old bridge looked outdated, so they changed it to look much more advanced but couldn't apply the same logic to the the female minidress uniform.

Despite that minor irritant I really enjoyed the movie and would highly recommend it.

Star Trek

OMGOMGOMG! I just started watching a cam of the new movie and I am blown away. Blown away! Ten minutes into the movie and I have tears streaming down my face. I have no idea how they did that. I've stopped the movie to write this but I'm not sure if I want to restart it or wait until Tuesday when I'm off to see it in the theater.

Hmmmm..thinking...hmmm...ok, I've decided to watch the rest now but still go see it Tuesday.

I hadn't planned to see it at all in the theater. I was going to wait for the DVD and netflix it. If not for this illegal copy I wouldn't have even considered going. So in this case the pirated movie is actually going to make the movie some money it wouldn't have otherwise.

Employee trouble

Today I had two employees not show up for work.

One didn't call in. I left a message on his voice mail but did not get a call back. A no call, no show is usually an automatic dismissal. I know that sometimes things happen so I'm marking him in my mind as a possible fire. Until I find out why he wasn't at work I won't say he is going to be fired.

The other is almost definitely fired. Her story began Friday when she didn't show up to work and had a friend call to tell us she was going out of town. As another my lead said the only time anyone should call into work for you is if you're in the hospital, some exceptions made for extreme illness that does not lead to hospitalization.

This morning she called to tell me she was going to be late cause she was coming from out of town. Six hours later, five hours into her shift she called to tell me she was back in town. I can't remember what exactly I or she said but I do remember getting the feeling that she didn't want to go into work. I thought about it for a second and decided that the team I had at the moment was strong enough to carry through closing, so I told her not to come in.

Now I didn't tell her not to come in because she didn't want to, I told her because right then I didn't want her to come in. If she had just come in I would have let her work the rest of her shift but to call and basicaly ask to skip work isn't acceptable. She was a good employee and coworker but I just don't see how she can come back from this.

On Cutting

About a week ago I scrapped my arm on the corner of a brick building. Because I was running at the time I ended up with a couple four inch long scraps and a couple of shorter ones. They scabbed over but a few days ago I scratched and peeled off the scabs cause they were itching. Pale, shiny, rough lines of healing skin. I look at it and I think what if I cut lines from my wrist to my elbow, deep cuts that would scar so my whole arm looked like that. I sudder at the thought that is at once appealing and quite scary. These thoughts have caused me to think back on the days that I used to cut myself.

It has been many years since I cut myself habitually. But less than a year since I did as a one time thing while depressed.

I don't recall the first time I cut. I remember being 18, exploring the internet and coming across a page about people who self injure and I could not fathom why someone would cut themselves. Fast forward two years, to me sharpening my pocket knife and "testing" it on my arm. I was "testing" my knife several times a week before I realized what I was doing. I never cut very deep, just deep enough for some blood and pain. The cuts I made back then didn't scar. I didn't cut for scars I cut to feel something, even physical pain, other than the gapping void I felt in my life.

I don't remember stopping but I most have at some point. There were times that I thought to myself, "This isn't the best thing to do," and vowed to stop but I wouldn't. I couldn't stop until I didn't need to cut anymore. Now when I see a knife my mind flashes to how it would feel to cut myself with it. To watch blood flow and clear my mind of everything except the pain, even just for a little while. This takes less than a second and then I move on but the thought is there.

I'm not feeling depressed right now. I'm much to busy and excited with work stuff to really feel depressed. It's just I don't think I've ever written about this and I've been thinking about it so here it is. Now to bed with me so I can be well rested for tomorrow's ten hour shift.

Heroes: To watch or not to watch...

So I've been debating with myself about whether or not I wanted to keep watching Heroes or if I was just going to give up on it. The current season has already ended but I've only seen the first five episodes of Vol. 4 Fugitives. I can remember during the last volume watching episodes as soon as they downloaded, wishing for the next episode as soon as the current one finished. Now I have a backlog of eight episodes. Thats eight weeks where I didn't feel the need to watch it immediately.

I will admit that the series has not been as good as it's truly spectaular first season but it has remained a fun show. After talking with a co-worker about series, I've decided to finish out Vol. 4 before deciding if I'm going to stay with it. Maybe I'll watch them in marathon while on my training trip, if I have the time that is.

Work Update

Turns out that I will be going alone to Houston to learn how to make pretzels. Our regional manager decided that the cookie store couldn't do without both me and my manager. While I think she is wrong, I understand her not wanting to leave the store with less than half the management team. It hasn't been said but I think the reason I'm going is because I'll be the one actually running the pretzel store. I will have to teach my manager and anyone else that works there how to do everything. Suddenly I see several days of working opening to close until I have a well trained team. I see myself working to exhaustion. I see myself loving every moment.

I feel giddy at the thought of running a store by myself. I know that I'll still be answering to my manager but it's mostly going to be my show. This is something that I have never imagined happening.

Random update

First good news. I will be going with my manager to Houston for four days to learn how to make pretzels. My manager had told me that he was going but he wasn't sure if I was too. Today the regional manager mentioned it and confirmed that I would be going as well.

Ok now some less than good news. I am starting to feel the effects of stopping HRT. I'm feeling emotionally unstable and slightly more depressive. Also my sex drive is returning to pre-HRT levels which I find unpleasant. I might be trading physical health for mental health.

I managed to stave off a good bit of 'day off blues' by getting out of the house yesterday. I cashed my check and then walked to Hastings. I sat and read for a little while until I started getting hungry. So I left Hastings and walked next door to Quiznos and ate a sandwich and cup of soup. Afterwards I rode the bus to Walmart where I hoped to find a new backpack. I like the design of the one I just want one a little bigger. There weren't any of the same type as the one I have but I did find a cheap collapsible 20" duffel bag, which I thought would be good for taking large loads to the laundromat but will also serve me well as a make do suitcase for my upcoming trip. I, also, bought some cat food and kitten food, which I carried home in the duffel. Once home I checked a few things online and then watched a couple of movies before going to sleep.

I've recently realized that I might not like the tv show Heroes any more. I'm about 20 episodes behind and really don't feel the urge to get caught up. I'm a little saddened to think the show is no longer interesting to me.

In Which I Vent About My Day

Title pretty much says it all. I would like to note that I was laying on my back while recording this cause the only light in my room is the one affixed to the celling so the best way to avoid a dark video is to lay down on my bed so the light can shine on my face. I guess I should think about getting a lamp or something. Also the program I used to capture this totally messed up the video/audio sync and it was hell trying to convert it into something my editing program could use so I'm on the look out for a good free video capture program that is user friendly.

Stopping HRT for now

Stopping HRT

I have decided to stop taking the hormones I have self prescribed. I feel foolish for not having stopped sooner. Since I started noticing that I was frequently fatigued for no reason, had occasional lightheaded moments and see spots most times I stand up, I have not once considered that the hormones I was taking might be to blame. I'm still not convinced they are but it'll be one less variable for any doctor to consider.

My plan is after my insurance kicks in, I will go to see a doctor about the fatigue, lightheadedness, and seeing spots most times I stand up. Once that is under control or concurrent with that treatment I want to begin the process of transitioning under medical supervision.

As always I'm worried that my job will be forfeit but not really. I'm feeling a bit of job security lately as I grow into my new manager role. I honestly think I will have little to no problems with my manager or regional manager when(Yes, when not if. I can no longer deny that I need to transition for my own sanity.) I transition.

On Wanting To Go Home

I think I really really need to tell my sister I want to move out.

It's hard for me to admit even to myself that I really want to move out but tonight I had a bit of a rough night at work and all I wanted to do was go home, strip, pop the top on a can of soda, sit in a comfy chair and eat sushi with the telly on. Instead I came home, quietly slipped through the living room/sister's bedroom and ate sushi in my room laying on my bed cause I don't have room in my room for a chair. Well I do have room if I don't mind not having room to walk around. I almost walked up to one of the hotels near the highway and got a room instead of coming home. It's very telling to me that I was almost dreading coming home.

About the rough night at work. It wasn't really bad, just I had an employee complaining about another employee and it just ate at me. I should have put a stop to it but I didn't. I tried once to counter her complaints, which I felt were unfounded but she didn't listen to me. I feel like I failed in managing this problem. Later she did something else and I jumped on her a bit about it, more than I should have because of her she had acted earlier. I'm not sure what I should do.

Someone(you know who you are) told me that I should be the kind of manager I would want to be my manager. Still not quite sure but I have a feeling for what I should do.

Health insurance/depression update

Ok I've had one of those weird brain spasms where that thing that made no sense, now makes sense. So I've decide to get the insurance through my work. I'm going to be getting the plan that costs less per month but has the higher deductible.

I have been wondering how I will deal with going to the doctor for my current health problems. Specifically am I going to tell him I'm transgender and selfmedicating? Of course I absolutely should tell him but I don't know if I will be able to. I mean I don't know if I will be able to work up the courage to tell a complete stranger things that I have largely kept hidden. A thought just popped into my head that I could write a short letter and hand it to him. While still scary it would be less difficult for me to hand over a piece of paper than to say it out loud.

In other news I am feeling shitty. I have this ever persent feeling that things are going horrible wrong in my life. When I stop and take stock I find nothing to worry about, this does not rid me of the feeling. I'm forcing myself to keep moving forward.

Closing this off here. I need to get up early tomorrow so I can take my netbook back to where I bought it and see if they can do anything about the fact my speakers have stopped working.

From 8-8-07 coming out to my sister

I came out to my sister on Aug 8, 2007. At the time I wasn't blogging but I did write a message to a friend about what happened that night. I was afraid that I had lost the copy of that message but I found it in the saved messages folder. Here it is.

---

Last night I told my sister I wanted to live as a woman.

I was so scared I couldn't even tell her I wanted to to tell her something. After she got home in evening from work I spent an hour trying to work up the nerve to ask her to come with me on a short drive so we could talk. Finally I wrote a note saying I wanted to talk to her but was still to scared to give it to her. I tacked it to the door frame before I left to wash clothes so she would find it after I left. Then I cried on the way to the laundry. When I got home the note was still up and I thought she had missed it but then she came up behind me and asked if I was ready to go. So instead of just going on a short drive we decided to take our video rentals back. When we got to the rental place I parked my car, turned it off and started to tell her. Coming up with the words to tell her was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. My heart started beating hard and fast and my body start to tremble then to outright shake. I didn't feel I could just blurt out, "I want to live as a woman."

So I started by reminding her of a time when she had told her kids that if they ever felt like they were gay they could go to her and she would be ok with it. Then she had said, "Even if your uncle wanted to be your aunt I'd be ok with it."

Back in the car I asked if she still felt that way and she said yes and asked if I loved a boy. I said, "No the second part." She then told me to just blurt it out. I tried three times getting and far as, "I...," before trailing off. Finally I said "I feel I would prefer to live as a woman." And she said, "Ok, that's fine." I didn't break down then but tears started leaking from my eyes. She stroked my hair and told me it was ok. Then she asked me if this was why I didn't want to cut my hair. I couldn't speak normally only whisper yes and nod my head. She offered to help tell our parents but I want to wait a little while before telling them. She went ahead inside and I stayed in the cry for a few moments to cry off some of the nervous energy.

When I went inside I was still a little nervous that things would now be awkward between us but once I found her and started looking for movies it was almost like it hadn't happened.

When we got home she offered to tell the kids which I wanted to put off but she said the soon the better. So I let her. I don't know what she told them because I hid out in my room. I went to bed soon afterward so I haven't really been around them now that they know.

So that's it. I'm out to my sister and her kids. After spending hour after hour being afraid that she might be angry or upset or in the worst case might ask me to leave, she's fine with it.

---

The friend I sent this to advised me to save it in a blog so that I could look back and see how far I had come and to know how things had happened. Her advice lead me to begin blogging. However once I did start I forgot about saving this message until now. There are a few more old messages and some very early posts that I want to save so I'll be posting them here and on my LJ for a bit of redundancy.

Health insurance

I am feeling very helpless right now trying to understand how much my health insurance will cover if I get it. I've never had health insurance before so I'm totally clueless. I've been able to find out what most everything means but I'm missing the big picture of how it all fits together and really works. I really need someone to explain it to my like I am a child.

I going to have to ask my manager cause I know he knows about how this stuff works. He gave me a brief run through when he handed me the enrollment forms. I should have asked him then to go over it but I thought I could figure it out on my own later. I can't figure it on my own. I don't have a problem telling him that I have no idea what I'm looking at. So I guess tomorrow I'll be swinging by work to talk to him.

Wierd Dream

Oy, I had a honking huge rambling dream last night.

I help Samual Jackson dressed as his character from Pulp Fiction to find Ghostbusters 2 on DVD. My old boss offered me a piece of pie from a wall of pies in his store. I briefly walked through a world where there were no minorities(got out of there fast). Flew in a biplane with an open canopy and talked about salsa over the roaring wind. Got my period in the middle of a super store like Walmart and had to put on a pad with people wandering by the end of the aisle(really weird part was even though I appeared as a girl and was wearing a dress, I wasn't equipped with female genitalia, so I had to hide that from the woman who tried to help me). Drove north following a GPS to some goal I can't remember but found a job making cat stickers on the way.

The rest is fuzzy incoherent mess.

New Youtube video

So yeah, a while back I made a few videos and put them on Youtube. After I quit from my last job I had to give up my laptop which had the built in webcam I was using to make the videos. Tonight I glanced at the built in webcam in my netbook and though, "Hey I can make new videos." So that's what I did. This is a short video to update the couple of people who might see it about what's happened since my last video. If you read this blog you already know everything I say in the video but you might want to watch just so you can see what I look and sound like. I'm thinking on doing more videos but much more structured than what I've done before.

Incredible News

Yall know how I've been saying how I'm being promoted to assistant manager but not getting a raise in pay to go with the raise in position right away. I've kind of been worried that I would get the run around for weeks or months.

Today my manager told me my promotion and raise had been approved to go through when I take over the pretzel shop. So yay!

Guitar Hero / Work News

I bought Guitar Hero World Tour with a guitar controller. I also picked up Guitar Hero 3 cause it was marked down to $10. So far I've only been playing on easy to reawaken my feeble skills and have been 4 to 5 staring songs. I even managed to play perfectly through "What I've Done" by Linkin' Park on my first try. Truly an awesome moment for me since I've only managed to play one other song perfectly and that was after many attempts and it was the easiest song of Guitar Hero 2.

In other news I stopped by the cookie store to get a drink and had a little chat with my manager. He told me the regional manager had come by and talked to him about what is going to happen when they remodel the store and add the pretzel shop. In a nut shell he'll be manager of both, our current assistant manager will be in charge of the cookie store, I will be promoted to assistant manager and the pretzel shop will be mine. No raise right away but my manager is pressuring them. So here's hoping.

big post

Ah been a few days so I have several things to talk about.

First up is my new MP3 player. I bought a Sansa Fuse with 4 GB which is plenty for me. Besides audio it also does video which is becoming a feature on any player big enough for a screen. The video converter works on avi files which means I could put some tv episodes or movies on it. I don't think I will because for one, it takes a long time for the converter to convert big files and two, I got a small headache watching while watching a twenty minute tv show episode I converted.

A few hard drive moves ago I lost all my music, about 4 gigs of songs. So I have nothing to put on it except for podcasts which is working out very well. I have three or four podcasts that my feed reader auto downloads for me. I've been letting them pile up because the only way for my to listen to them before now has been through my computer but when I'm at my computer I would rather watch a tv show or catch up on my feeds or just poke around wikipedia. I'm a little sad to say but I can't read a blog and listen to a podcast at the same time without losing some content. And there are some podcasts I really want to devote my entire attention to but when I'm at the computer well I wander. But with my Fuse I can step away from my computer and still listen to my podcasts.

And here's a picture of a Sansa Fuse(BTW mine is red too):



Now on to the package I recently received from Canada.

The package was from Leanne Franson writer/artist of Liliane, Bi-Dyke


Liliane, Bi-Dyke is a comic I found about two weeks ago. Quick disclamer: this comic is LGBT friendly(just to let you know in case the title didn't tip you off). I read through the archive in two nights. In 2006 the author's Saint Benard, Muesili, died which caused me to start bawling my eyes out when I reached those stories inspired by her pain. Why did it hit me so hard? Well, Liliane is based largely on the the author's life which included owning a Saint Bernard named Muesili who had been featured in a few stories. About a year later when she decided to get another dog she put together some very nice comic books from those stories featuring Musili and sold them on her site.

I was cautious in buying them because I wasn't sure she still had any left or that the prices listed were still valid. So I shot her a quick email asking for info and received a reply within minutes telling me she still had some and to go ahead and take advantage of any speacils still up. I ordered two sets of comics and two books of stories that had not been published online.


One set of all three Muesili comics for myself, which I got signed.


The two not online story books.



And one set of the two family friendly comics that I plan to give as a gift to someone(not sure who yet) at some point(not sure when yet).

Moving on to Roleplaying coincidences. Lets see, ok, first my friend Krystal has asked me if I wanted to form a small gaming group or possibly join a group. Soon afterward I began listening to the Penny Arcade/PvP DnD Podcasts on my MP3 player. And while listening to said podcasts, I see Will Wheaton has posted a hand full of links to free roleplaying guides and adventures. Maybe I'm overthinking things but it feels like I am being lead/guided to roleplaying. Not much else to say about that.

Guitar hero woes: I am without a guitar contorller. I lent mine to a family member and it has disappeared they have had said. I don't blame the familiy member. I know the risk in lending out stuff is to never see it again. I have been browsing for a new guitar in stores. I hoped to buy one in a bundle with a new game but could only find them with wireless controllers which I was told would only work with that game and other games in the same series but wired ones would work on both. Now after a quick search I see that Guitar Hero guitars(wired and wireless) also work with Rock Band but not the other way around. If I had known this sooner I would have bought one sooner.

Mother's Day is almost here. Normally a day to spend with family eating BBQ, this Mother's Day I will be at work. It's an unfortante side effect of working at a place that provides a sevice linked to the holidays. Not every holiday but those that involve buying tokens of affection cause a spike in our sales. Judging by the number of cookie cakes we've prerolled we will only be about half as busy as Valintine's day. I'm going to miss seeing my mom for most of the day. I might get to see her for a little while in the evening but I'm not sure.

Oy, I had one more topic but it's nearly 6am and I'm exasted, so it'll get it's own post tomorrow.

See ya.

Teaser post

So I have several things I want to write about but it's kind of late now and I would have to dig around for some links to stuff and I have a small headache from not enough sleep so just teaser for tomorrow when I will have a real post about:

My new mp3 player,
A package I recently received from Canada,
Roleplaying game synergy in my life,
Guitar hero blues,
Mother's Day conflict and
Moving blues.

Till tomorrow, hugs.

I feel broken inside. I cried in the shower this morning. I balled my fists wanting to lash out at something, to hit the walls and scream. I didn't. I just cried and squeazed my nails into my palms hard. I'm depressed. I like to think I'm not but I am. I'm like to think that as long as I don't let it interfere with work then it's not a problem. As long as I'm functional it doesn't matter that I break down crying in the shower for an hour sometimes. That's the lie I tell myself and I believe it.

Sorry for the short downer post but nothing else is coming to mind.

Comics reading day

Today was my day off. I spent it reading comics and looking up characters on Wikipedia. I'm slowly getting caught up on what's been happening in the X-Men comics over the past few years. I've been avoiding all but a handful of books but yesterday I got into a discussion about comics with a coworker.

I'm liking what I'm seeing so far. I've read through Young X-Men and X-23's two origin comics. Oh, I just looked at the newest Uncanny X-Men issue and Northstar is back from the dead and not a psychotic killer anymore, so yeah! For those that don't know Northstar is one of the more famous gay superheros who was killed, brought back as a brainwashed killer and then killed again. He might have been brought back and killed one more time but I'm not sure.

I'm tempted to read through Civil War and Secret Invasion. I dropped out of comics just before Civil War really got started due to having no money to spend on comics and having not yet discovered torrented comics. I will not be looking at any post Brand New Day Spider-Man comics. If you don't know what Brand New Day is I envy you and will not spoil your innocence. It's just horrible and utter rubbish and just horrible. Trust me don't Google it, don't ask your friends, just forget I ever mentioned it.

Gillian's Fiction

So over on Gillian's Fiction I have a small bit of news concerning that blog's future.

I also have posted a new short story. It's unrelated the the serial story I had been writing. I actually wrote it about six or seven years ago in long hand, typed it about four years ago and just yesterday posted it online after a little surgery to fix a section that didn't feel right. It's still pretty rough but I felt I needed to post something after a week of not posting on Gillian's Fiction.

Some thoughts on my new netbook(Aues Eee PC 1000HE)

Earlier I preformed an impromptu battery life test. I started at 8:30pm with a fully charged six cell battery. At 1:27am my netbook went into standby mode with 5% battery charge or 17 minutes left. So about 5 hours. Now this was with wifi turned on and Utorrent running, so I could probably get the seven hours the sticker on the netbook promised.

The keyboard is comfortable to use. The only real complaints I have with it are the small right shift key and small arrow keys jammed into the corner. I find myself hitting the enter key instead of the shift key because of it's size. Yes the left shift key is closer to normal size and I know you're supposed to use the shift key opppsite the letter you want to capatalize but I only use the right shift key. This is just a weird typing quirk I picked up years ago.

Before I started using laptops on a regular basis I didn't like touch pads. I have learnt to use them. Having said that I like the touch pad on this netbook. Besides tracking finger movements very well it has some interesting multi touch features. Two fingers moved up or down will scroll the current page. There is also a zoom feature that allows zooming by dragging two fingers apart. I've had less than stellar results from trying to zoom but the scroll feature works wonderfully.

I've had a bit of trouble with sound. Some apps were hard to hear while others seemed fine. I managed a fix by raising all the sliders in the Realtek equalizer. It's not an elegant solution but it works.

Midnight Cleaning

My room is now mostly clean. I'm pretty bad about keeping my room tidy. It's not that I don't like a clean room. I love the way it looks right after I've picked everything off the floor, swept and reorganized shelves. It's a gradual slide into untidyness that gets me. A shirt dropped on the floor, an old work schedule that fell out of my backpack, socks. Slowly it accumulates and before I know it the floor is lost beneath the shifting trash and dirty laundry. Until in a bust of energy, always late at night, I clear it away.

Tonight I went even farther and cleaned my closet. I wish I had thought to take pictures of the pile of tangled wires and stuff that nested within. About ten power cords, a few hundred feet phone wires, a few av cables, eight AC adapters, two mice, a keyboard, two parallel cables for printers, five flat hard drive ribbon cables and a set of jumper cables made up the bulk of the tangle. Besides untangling everything and sorting it out, I've also filled a garbage bag with stuff that I have no use for nor will I be able to make use of in the next year. An old caller id, a cordless phone, a corded phone that didn't work any more a set of small unpowered speakers, a broken scale, a busted door lock, two car sylinoids and a busted headset with a mic are just some of the things I culled from my closet.

There is still a little bit of tidying to do before I go to sleep so I be back tomorrow.

This week has just not been a good blogging or writing week. I thought I'd whip up a quick post.

First good news. I am typing this on my new Eee Aeus. So far I'm loving it. It is totally walk around the house portable. Small and light enough to easily carry one handed. My last laptop was a monster with a 17 inch screen. It was nice to look at and use but not easy to move around unless holding it with both hands and braced against some other body part. The ten inch screen on this gem is smaller than I'm used to but not to small to be annoying. It cost me $349 plus tax.

Second more good news. My store is part of a group of stores which was in competition with other groups of stores during the first quarter of this year and our group of stores won. And as part of the management team I got a larger bonus which just about covered the cost of my netbook.

Third good and bad news. I'm going to be getting health insurance through my store which they don't offer to regular employees just management, which I am in the eyes of my manager but not yet in the eyes of the company. The regional manager is going to push it through to get me health insurance. Now on to why I need heath insurance. Basically I be or may be becoming diabetic. It runs in my family and I really don't eat right or exercise enough so if I am it's my own fault. But my symptoms(dizziness, lightheadedness, difficulty remembering words, fatigue and tiredness not linked to lack of sleep) might be something else so I'll glad that I'm going to be able to get medical care.

Fourth good news. Our cat Tinkerbell started giving birth while I was writing this. So far two have come out but we think there will be more.

Thats all for now.

Writing problem/Look at this new cool comic I found!

I think I may have a problem. At some point in the last couple of days I started asking myself what I was saying with "Am I Memorex?" See I had this feeling that besides being a story that people might want to read just because, that there was something I wanted 'say' with the story. Not like I wanted to preach some kind of lesson but rather to show some part of me. And I figured out what part of me was trying to come out through the story. This has a downside cause now that I know what I want the story to be I can see bits that I want to change in the parts that I've already posted. I don't want to restart the story but I also don't want to make anyone who has been reading to have to go back and reread everything. Any ideas?

I just found this comic Khaos Komix because someone had an image from the comic as their LG icon and someone else said "Love the icon I can't wait for the next part," which totally made me go "I must find this comic," cause the one who said that is the author of Tales of Mu, which is an online serial story that I love(that link is to the first episode of the story btw). So I set out to find the comic, which was very easy cause the user with the icon had a link on their userpic page that I followed right to the comic.

I'm now a little more than half way through the archive and I can not believe that I did not know about this comic. I mean like a couple of years ago I set out to find as many LGBT comics online as I could and I found a bunch but somehow this comic never even blipped on my radar. I may need to set out on another hunt but that will have to wait for a little while.

There are a few other things I wanted to gush about but I really want to get back to Khaos Komix so I'm just going to list links:

Girl Genius - Adventure, Romance, Mad Science!

FutureMe.org - Send an email to the future.

EZTV - My source for torrents of current tv shows.

W Juliet - An awesome manga that I started reading but fell out of for some reason but now have restarted.

See ya.

Real quick post

Found my wallet. It was in the friend's car that took me home the other day.

Tonight walked home. Google maps says it's 3.8 miles from my work to home. I am tired.

Going to sleep now. Read my post over on Gillian's Fiction for more info.

Night all.

Quick post part 2

Still not much going on.

I've either lost my wallet or simply dropped in a friends car. I really hope that when I can look tomorrow in said friend's car that I find it. That wallet has my drivers licence, social security card, my check card and to top it off it has my last pay check. Do to Good Friday the banks were closed on the day I got my check and I just haven't made time to go to the bank. If I did't have a little saved up I would probably have cashed it sooner but because I have enough to get by on I let it slide. I'm feeling kinda scared. I just checked and there has been no activity on my check card so that's one good thing I guess. There's nothing I can do until tomorrow except try to keep from freaking out

Someone linked to a pdf titled A 6-Minute Difference in a discussion about fitness for transwomen. Its a very brief story about how one runner's times were effected by transiting from male to female. It's a nice read and has some interesting info for transsexual athletes.

The weekly digest of "Am I Memorex?" is up early tonight.

Quick post

Hi sweeties,

Sorry I haven't been around this week. I've been feeling a little depressed and like everyother time I've felt like this any blog posts I try to right devolve into whinning about being depressed. Everyday this week I've tried to write here but nothing good come to mind.

So here are three good things that are happening in or around my life:

1. I'm reading and loving The Palimpsest.

2. A coworker who has been trying to get pregnate for a few years now thinks she is now. Results from blood test on Friday.

3. My ear piercings are healing nicely and have not gotten infected once.

Yeah not exactly a stellar list but it's the best I can do for now.

Over on Gillian's Fiction "Am I Memorex?" is has reached the end of it's third week with no inturuptions which I guess is a fourth good thing.

Not much going on in my life otherwise. The last few days have been very routine.

No Title

Happy Easter.

I was going to write a short essay about how egg hunting and bunnies and even the name of the holiday have roots in pagan traditions but I'm not really in the mood to do that.

Instead I want to tell you about this movie I saw the other night called Repo! The Genetic Opera. It's a rock opera about a repoman for financed organs. It stars Anthony Steward Head (Giles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer tv show) as the repoman and Alexa Vega (Carmen Cortez in the Spy Kids trilogy) as his sick daughter who is dying from the same disease that killed her mother. There is blood, gore, and rock music. This repoman does just come by and threaten you when you default on you kidney payments. He finds you and repossess the kidney in the fasts posible manner ussally resulting in death. This movie is not just a slasher flick with singing. There is a solid story being told here.

One thing I want to be clear about is that this is an opera not a musical. In a musical characters talk then they sing about what they were talking about. In opera it's all singing.

Am I Memorex? - Week 2 up

Parts 7-12 of "Am I Memorex?" have been collected and posted in the weekly round up.

In other news, I no longer have cable tv in my room. Not a big deal since I rarely, less that once a week, watch it. Due to circumstances that would take too long to explain right now, because I gave up cable tv, I now have a bigger tv.

More tomorrow when it's not two hours past my bedtime.

Bloging on writing daily.

Part Eleven of "Am I Memorex?" is up.


The following is me talking a little about the story and how I write. There is a mild spoiler for Part Ten but it's nothing you shouldn't already know if you were paying attention.

Tonight is the first time the narrator refers to herself as a woman. The narrator/main character has always been a woman but before this part there was no way to bring this up. I mentioned her name in the short blurb I posted when part two went up but it hasn't come up in story until tonight's part. I was beginning to worry that there wouldn't be a good place to insert this info for at least another week.

This is of course a side effect of writing to a hundred word quota. The story advances slowly but not, I think, slower than if I was drawing it as a daily webcomic. It's an interesting thought. A daily three to four panel comic would have roughly the same or less story advancement as my daily hundred word posts.

I am considering doubling my daily word quota. This would depend on me getting far enough ahead that I would have a buffer to prevent dead days. Currently I'm writing about two days ahead of what I'm posting. I've been writing each part in turn, not just tearing off the next hundred words from what I've written. If I over write a part I either trim it down or move the last sentence to the next part if I feel the line needs to be saved. Typically I edit each post twice, once right after I've written it and then the next day before I create a new scheduled post for it on the blog.

I am writing in a very linear A B C fashion. I have a vague idea of where the story is going but for the most part I'm letting the characters pull me along. Already a couple of characters have shown me things I didn't know about them. I won't say what these things are cause they would be more than a lot spoilery.

Well that's all for this night. See you cats later.

Tonight I am drinking wine, read to find out why

This is going to be short. Today I was the manager on duty. The only manager. I think this is the first time I've ever worked open to close on a Sunday as a manager. I was a little bit scared but felt confident that I could handle it. And the day went pretty smooth.

I opened the store with two employees. They set up the store while I decorated the mornings cakes. I had a bit of a fright when a few hundred people walked into the mall all at once. I found out by asking one that they were a group from Georgia. Thinking that if even a fourth of them decided to buy a cookie I would be in danger of running out of cookies, I started baking more cookies. I don't know what happened to those people, I never saw them leave so I guess they left through another exit.

Luckily for us a group of dancers was putting on a show right near the cookie shop so we still got a boost in sales. We never ran out of cookies, costumers were served in a timely manner, all cookie cakes were decorated and picked up on time, I made the cheesecake brownies for tomorrow, and rolled out enough cakes for tomorrow. I counted the drawers and they were a few cents over.

Everything was perfect. (Let me stop here for a second and say that is the day was perfect it was because the people(most still in high school) I worked with made it that way. If my crew were not great employees today could have sucked but it didn't because they are some of the best workers I have known.) Then I counted the deposit and came up ten dollars short.

I recounted the drawers. I checked the safe. I recounted the deposit. I counted the drawers. I counted the deposit again. I added everything up on the calculator to check the excel spreadsheet we use add up everything. I asked an employee to watch me as I recounted everything again to make sure I wasn't just making the same mistake over and over again.

After about twenty minutes I figured out the cash in the deposit was correct. The missing ten dollars was in the coinage. This makes no sense. There is no way for ten dollars in coins to be missing from the deposit. There is never more than two or three dollars in coins in the deposit. I called my manager told him about the shortage and left the deposit for him to check in the morning. I left work about forty-five minutes later than I should have. Forty-five minutes of trying to find impossible ten dollars in coins.

This has left me a little frazzled. It isn't the shortage that has me frazzled. I've been short before. It the way we're short that has me upset. It's just not possible for the deposit to be short ten dollars in coins. I don't normally drink alcohol. But tonight I'm stressed out about those ten dollars so I'm drinking some wine, not a lot, just enough to relax me. I'm going to cue up the first season of Torchwood and drink a little more and probably fall asleep early, which is why I'm writing this now instead of later.

Hmm that wasn't nearly as short as I thought it would be. Oh well, Captain Jack Harkness awaits.

Oh yeah Part 9 of "Am I Memorex?" will be up later on Gillian's Fiction at it's normal 1 AM time slot.

Promotion news

Well today my boss filled me in on what is going on with my promotion. The cookie store is going to be remodeled and a pretzel shop, which is run by the same parent company, put in next door. The pretzel shop will be a separate business but be managed by my manager. I've been told that when this comes to pass I will be promoted to assistant manager and possibly be placed in charge of the pretzel shop or the other assistant manager will be put over the pretzel shop and I'll be kept at the cookie store.

So seems that I'll have to wait a little while before I get officially promoted, unofficially I'm already an assistant manager. I will be getting a change in title from team leader to shift supervisor. This change is partly for show and partly to keep me a symbolic level above the other team leaders he wants to install in the hierarchy.

I've started reading Palimpsest. In a word this book is intoxicating. I feel drawn into the world of Palimpsest. I'm still discovering this world but when I'm done I'll have a review until then trust me when I say this book is good.

Weekly Repost of "Am I Memorex?" Up

Today marks the end of the first week of "Am I Memorex?" on Gillian's Fiction. I know I've barely even started the story but I feel good about how it's coming along. On Fridays I will be reposting the week's parts in one post. This is for those that would prefer larger story posts and to make it easier to go back and reread the story, which I'm sure everyone will be doing, right;).

So here is the first weekly repost of "Am I Memorex?"

Out of Sorts/Rambling Post now with poetry

I'm feeling kind of out of sorts. I don't quite know how to describe it. I don't feel depressed, I think, but I not exactly happy or mellow. I feel empty. Hollow. I am feeling a little disconnected from things. This feeling started today I think. I can remember laughing at a comic earlier. I canremember laughing and what was funny but now I can't laugh. I feel tired. I may just need sleep.

---

Head full of cotton
Empty heart
Smile for them

Strained voice
Red eyes
Laugh for them

Tired body
hollow mind
Be happy for them

---

Yeah, I get to feeling like this and I write bad angst ridden poetry.

I was going to go the movies today but I woke up late and then I got caught up in rereading through the archives of A Softer World. I read all 418 strips. Hmm you know, A Softer World isn't exactly a light fluffy happy comic. A lot of the strips are actually kind of depressing. Maybe I should avoid four hour binges of semi-depressing comics.

Tomorrow I'll be going to the mall early to pick up a book I ordered after like five unrelated people recommened it. The book is Palimpsest by Cat Valente. I've heard very good things about this book and will report back on how it stacks up to the hype.

Oh yeah, part 6 of "Am I Memorex?" went up last night and the first weekly compilation will be up later. You know what, hold on a sec.. there, it's up now here. Part seven will post Sat morning.

Thats all I got right now.