The Hardest Part Is Saying The First Word

I said a few posts ago that I wasn't going to worry about coming out at work until I was ready but now I'm feeling that I may need to tell my manager and regional manager soon. They made me a salaried employee. To offer something like that to someone who has been with a company for less that a year is a big deal. It's a big deal to me at least. They could easily have just given me a modest raise like I was expecting. I was looking for table scraps and they threw me a steak.

I don't feel it's my duty to tell them but I feel like I don't want to rock the boat too much when I do transition. I wasn't worried about that before cause as much as I liked the job and wanted to keep it and as many times as I've been told I am a good and valuable employee, I thought I could always find another job. Now I feel like a valued employee and don't want to lose this job.

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My boss asked me what I was going to do with all the money I'm going to be making. I said I didn't know but I do. As he asked me the numbers began dancing in my head sorting themselves into neat piles.

One pile for living expenses.
One pile for savings.
One pile for electrolysis.
One pile for HRT.
One pile for doctor visits.
And one pile for whatever I want.

But I couldn't tell him about the electrolysis or HRT so I just lied like I always do when something like this comes up. I want to stop lying.

Stopping HRT

I have decided to stop taking the hormones I have self prescribed. I feel foolish for not having stopped sooner. Since I started noticing that I was frequently fatigued for no reason, had occasional lightheaded moments and see spots most times I stand up, I have not once considered that the hormones I was taking might be to blame. I'm still not convinced they are but it'll be one less variable for any doctor to consider.

My plan is after my insurance kicks in, I will go to see a doctor about the fatigue, lightheadedness, and seeing spots most times I stand up. Once that is under control or concurrent with that treatment I want to begin the process of transitioning under medical supervision.

As always I'm worried that my job will be forfeit but not really. I'm feeling a bit of job security lately as I grow into my new manager role. I honestly think I will have little to no problems with my manager or regional manager when(Yes, when not if. I can no longer deny that I need to transition for my own sanity.) I transition.

I feel ill [trigger warning]

You know just when I think the world can't get any more fucked up, it does.

The regional archbishop in Brazil has excommunicated a nine year girl's doctors and mother. Why you ask? Well you see the little girl was raped by her stepfather. Wait there's more. What is a possible outcome of being raped? If you answered pregnancy, you are correct. The little girl was pregnant with twins. The twins were aborted for fears the girl would not survive the pregnancy.

Brazil has very strict anti-abortion laws which only allow abortion in cases of rape or if the woman's life is in danger. The little girl falls under both conditions. And so the regional archbishop excommunicated the mother for authorizing the abortion and the doctors for doing it.

The stepfather has not been excommunicated.

And he was probably also raping her fourteen year old physically handicapped sister.

And the Vatican is defending the archbishop's decision by saying that the doctors and girl's mother committed the greater crime. Yes aborting a pregnancy, that would have likely not come to term and killed the girl and the fetuses, to save the girl's life is worse than raping that same girl nine year old girl.

I feel ill.