Thursday, September 30, 2010

News of a kind

I've mentioned a few times the series that I am working on with my friend, right? Well just to remind you. About a year ago he came to me with an idea for an animated show loosely based on our workplace and coworkers. After a couple of months of talking about it, I started writing the first script and have been working on more scripts for the past year. Originally I wanted to have a completed episode by the end of this year. Unfortunately neither he nor I are artists so that kind of stalled out.

I have a new idea though. I've started taking my scripts and rewriting them as short stories. My new goal is to launch a website to act as a home for the stories. I'm co-opting my previous deadline and planning for a late 2010 or early 2011 launch.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Walking in the Rain

To offset the dark tones of the last post I thought I would post something positive.

Lately it's been raining in my area. I love the rain but I didn't know how much until the last week. It was Friday and I was walking to my bank from work which is about six blocks away. When the drops started falling my first thoughts were, "Oh great I'm going to be soaked by the time I get to the bank." At first I felt kind of annoyed at the rain then I felt my mood begin to lighten and suddenly I felt great. The rain tapping across my head, arms face and body felt great. It was like someone flicked a switch in my head from moody/depressed to happy. Twice I was asked if I needed a ride and I turned down both offers. After cashing my check I started to wait near the doors where there is a covered area for the bus. As I waited there I started to feel uneasy. I knew something didn't feel right but I didn't know what. It seemed strange that I had been feeling fine before when walking in the rain but now under some cover from the rain I felt off. So I stepped out into the rain and slowly like before I began to feel more at easy, happier, better.

I've been caught out in the rain a couple more time and felt the same thing.

Dreams and other thoughts

I had a dream a couple of nights ago. I was in a doctor's office, the doctor was telling me about some test he wanted to run, I wasn't really paying attention until he mentioned getting a sample of my eggs. I stopped him and said that wasn't possible. He went on to explain that it was a very important test and it would hardly be any trouble for me at all. I then told him that I didn't have ovaries for him to sample from. He went on saying that ofcouse I did and that they were right here, he gently poked a spot on my abdomen. When he poked me I looked down and saw I the shirt I was wearing was open and I could my body, that is except for being a little thinner and having larger breasts it looked like my body. I looked back at him and very reluctantly said I was born male. He paused, hmmed, said then I didn't need that test then and went on with his explanations.

I've had dreams like this before. Not exactly like this. In these dreams I'm me but not me. I'm me after transition. I love this dreams for the hint of the normal life I could have, the life without this pain of not being me. I hate them because they end and I awake in the nightmare that is my life.

I want to talk about suicide. I have thought about it. Really thought about it. Sometimes while waiting to cross the street I will look at cars and trucks and wonder if this one is going fast enough to end me. I once walked past a steamroller and thought about diving under the roller. When I worked as the slicer at the deli I thought about using it to slice open my arms. I don't think I will ever act on these thoughts. As long as there is someone who cares about me I will not act on these thoughts. I could never hurt someone like that. At least I hope that I will never hurt the people who care about like that. I am depressed but I don't want to die. These thoughts of suicide scare me sometimes.

Ending a bit of a dark note here but please don't worry. This is not a suicide note. I'm not planning on killing myself. It's just been on my mind. The above paragraph is distiled from weeks of thoughts. I'm not emo or going goth. Not that there's anything wrong with that.^_^

Till next time

Monday, September 20, 2010

Sorry I've been away

Almost two months since I last posted here. I've had a bit of trouble with the internet at my house so I'm only online when I'm at a hotspot. I've been doing ok. I got a new job a few weeks ago and got my first paycheck friday. I'm back at the deli I worked at two years ago, which I quit shortly before starting this blog. I wish I could say that I only went back because I had no other options but that's not true. After I got fired from the cookie store I let myself wallow in my depression. I coddled myself rather than force myself to look for a job. The best I could manage was one day visiting three businesses and filling out two applications. One day out of about forty.

But that is mostly behind me now. I'm still feeling depressed but a little less I think. I've been writing more for the project I started with my friend at the cookie store. I've also been working on a couple of other stories which may or may not be good, it is still to early to know for sure and I am working on them only in private so I have no feedback but I am hopeful.

My battery is running low so I'm going to stop here but I'm going to try to write a couple of blog posts tonight and put them up some time soon. Till then Bye.
Oh yeah here's a pic of me that I just took: