Tuesday, May 31, 2011

5-31-11

It's been three weeks since I last posted anything, mostly due to my depression.

I'm moving out of the one bedroom apt I moved into at the beginning of the month.  I'm moving into a two bedroom with a friend of a friend who needed a roommate because her's was getting married and moving out.  I'm moving in tomorrow in fact.  It's kind of scary but I think it will better for me than living alone.  Also the rent will be cheaper and we will have internet, something I have been missing at home.

Really just wanted to check in after being gone for so long.  Maybe now that I'll have internet at home I'll post more often.

~Gilly

The following is for my own benefit so if I need to remember what happened on this day I can.
HEALTH NOTE:  Last night I got to bed late.  This morning I took a 200mg caffeine pill along with two Excedrin on my way to work(7:30 ish).  Shortly after I got to work they kicked in and I entered a hypomanic state which is what I intended to happen.  Later around 9:30 my mouth began to water and I felt a very strong urge to vomit.  I made it to the bathroom and dry heaved a couple of times(I had not eaten anything since the night before) before vomiting acid and some black specks(internet research suggests this may have been blood).  I continued to feel sick for another hour before feeling like I had to vomit again.  This second vomit was the same as the first.  Again I continued to feel sick afterwards.  Around 12:00-12:30 I once more felt the strong urge to vomit.  I was working cash and fought off the urge.  Manager noticed I was a little off, I said my stomache was upset, he offered me some pepto bismo which I took.  I began to feel better but still a little sick.  Finished my shift without feeling like I had to vomit again.  I ate a sandwich which seems to have helped a little.  Black specks(blood) were of a very small amount.  Will watch for reoccurrence.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

5-10-11

I'm still here.  I don't know if I really want to be here.

Every morning I make the choice to get up and go to work like a real person.  I don't feel like a real person.  I'm empty.  A shell that looks and moves and sounds like a person.

Hopelessness burns like fire on my soul.
In this moment and the next and the next I am fine.
Only when I let the future in does the emptiness try to consume me.
What am I living for?  What is my purpose?  Why don't I just give up?

I want to stop living.
I want peace in my soul.
I want quiet in my mind.
I want a respite from this endless fight to be.

I'm tired of fighting myself.  I'm tired of everything.
Why can't I just lie down?
Why don't I just end it?
Why do I keep pretending everything is all right when my world is crumbling burning falling drowning bleeding into nothingness?

Because I don't know how to do anything else.
I've told you a thousand times in my head these things.
And a thousand times you've said nothing back.  Not even in my dreams.
How could you when I will never tell you these things?

I'm afraid to die without telling you.
I'm more afraid that once I tell you I won't be afraid to die.

This is not a suicide note.  This is merely a brief snapshot of my state of mind.  I will return with happier or at least less depressing posts.

~Gilly