Monday, December 12, 2011

Are you there for me?

I keep writing blog posts on tumblr and deleting them.  I write about how much pain I'm in and delete the posts because I don't want people to know.  I've hidden myself so long that I don't know how to be open.  People always say, "If you need to talk, I'm here for you."  I'm afraid that if I actually talked to them every time I needed to talk to someone I would become a burden on them.  So, I keep it all inside.


Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Thanksgiving day

So I called my parents to find out for sure that we were getting together with family and they told me they're going out of town tomorrow and coming back Friday.  They invited me to go with them but I said I'd rather just stay in town.  I really wanted to spend sometime with them but not that much time.  I'm still kind of unsure of supportive they are of me.  I feel kind of bad for saying no.  But I need to look after myself and while I know they would pay for everything and not mention it; I don't feel like taking advantage of them like that.  I don't know.


Okay update time.

I quit my job last week.  Last Tuesday I woke up and started crying.  I cried for a few hours until I realized I wouldn't be able to go to work in the state I was in.  So. I called in.  I spent most of the day either crying or recovering from a crying bout.  I did a lot of thinking and decided to quit the next day.  The next day I told my manager I was quitting but I could work the day if he wanted me to.  I worked my shift and left for the last time.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do next.  Right now I'm just trying to take care of myself.  I'm working on writing some stories.  I'm thinking about going back to college.  If I could get financial aid and a part time job it might be feasible.  I might just find a new job but one that I like more than the one I just quit.  I have a little time to decide.  I can afford to wait until mid January to find a job.  Not that I want to wait that long but if it takes that long to find a job I'll be ok.  Beyond then I'm going to be in trouble.  But I'm thinking positive and knowing that it won't come to that.

Monday, October 31, 2011


When drag queens are the focus of the local GLBT organization's Halloween Bash.  When the MC asks where are the gays and where are the lesbians and where are the straights but doesn't mention trans* people.  When the fact that drag queens "look like women but don't have vaginas" is shouted by the MC.  When I am afraid at a GLBT event to use the woman's restroom because I feel like I'll be treated as a "man in a dress".

It's hard for me to express these concerns when there's no one to stand with me.  There's no trans community in my city.  There are other trans people here but we aren't all friends or even acquaintances.  In fact I don't have any local friends who are transgender.

Yesterday I was in a store and I walked into a metal hook.  A woman nearby asked me if I was I ok.  I checked my arm, said yes and walked a short distance away to continue browsing.  After a couple of minutes, the woman came over and the following exchange happened:

"Ma'ma?  It is ma'ma?"

"Yeah, sure why not," I replied a little flippantly not sure where she was going with her question.

"It's just that I called you he but I wasn't really sure.  Is it ma'ma?" suddenly I felt kind of bad because I could see she was being sincere.

"Yes, I prefer ma'ma."

She smiled and said, "Ok."

I think we exchanged a couple more sentences before I walked away.

I talked about this with me roommate.  We also talked about how she had asked me if I wanted her to use feminine pronouns for me.  In both cases I felt accepted by the asker.  Being asked how you want to be referred to is vastly different than being asked what one is.

Are you a man or a woman?  This type of question is meant to put a person into a box, so that the asker doesn't have to wonder what the person they are talking to is.  It excludes anyone not binary identified.  It's also dehumanizing by asking 'what' a person is rather than 'who' they are.

What pronouns do you prefer?  Here no one is excluded because there are no options given in the question.  The point of the question is to learn how a person wishes to be talked about.  It's like a hand palm up outstretched in friendship.  The other question is like a hand held palm out to ward off something.


Friday, September 30, 2011


I'm going to be coming out to my family soon on faebook.  Just as soon as I can get up the nerve to call my parents and tell them that I want them to call me by my chosen name and use feminine pronouns.  I want to talk to my parents first because I know that some of my family are going to call me parents when they find out.  Some of my cousins probably know or suspect something.  My coming out to my family is less about letting them know what's up with my gender and more about asking them to call me by MY name and use correct pronouns.

It's just hard coming up with the words to ask my parents to call me by a name they didn't give me and to use feminine pronouns.  Last time I was around them, it sounded like they were using she and her to refer to me but I wasn't sure and it's been the great untalked about thing for so long that I felt a little afraid to say anything.

Part of thinks they'll be like, "Well of course we'll call you Gilly or Gillian and use she and her.  Why wouldn't we?  We love you afterall."  Part of me is afraid they'll be, "No.  We named you and that's your name.  And we're not going to indulge you."  I know that their true reaction lies some where between these two poles.(most likely closer to the first than the second)  But still it's hard to think that I can ask them to do this for me. I'm thinking of writing a letter so I don't have to actually speak to them.


Wednesday, September 14, 2011


Last week I noticed myself taking caffeine pills to counteract depression induced fatigue and to improve my concentration so I didn't lope off a finger at work.  Over the weekend I did some basic research into long term effects of caffeine and side effects.  Basically caffeine not only gives you a shot of energy it also works as an antidepressant.

Which means I've been self medicating for my depression.  I'm not taking caffeine pills on a daily basis; just when I really feel overwhelmed at work by my depression.  I'm concerned about long term effects of taking a larger than normal amount of caffeine in but it helps.  The right dose can turn me from a ball of self hate ready to slice my wrists the next time I pick up a knife to a normal feeling person.  Not overly happy just even kneeled.

Another effect I've noticed is that on days that I take the caffeine; I can write.  I can think about the stories I want to write and make progress on them.  I can world build and character sketch in my head like no one's business.  Other days that I soldier on without I can't.  Its the antidepressant effect that frees more of my mind from just keeping myself from killing that is making it easier to write on those days.

I don't quite know what to do.  On one hand its not entirely health to ingest on a semi regular basis the amounts of caffeine I've been taking.  On the other it makes it possible for me to work on my worst days which have been getting worse and it makes it possible for me to write.  This being able to write to dream of other places while awake is what makes it so hard to say that I should stop.


Saturday, September 10, 2011


Been a little while so here's a quick update on my life:

I was denied services from the local mental health org.  Basically I'm to functional to be considered in need of help despite feeling like I need help to prevent myself from becoming dysfunctional.  I have the option to appeal which I'm going to take.

The last few days have been especially bad.  I've woken up and started crying three days this week.  I've been getting plenty of sleep but still feel tired and sluggish.  I've been taking caffeine pills to counteract this.  It's not an ideal solution but it works.  I'm only taking them if I really need them like when I'm in emotional overload and can't focus on work.

Monday I hit a metal shelf at work with the back of my left hand.  On purpose.  The pain helped me reset my thoughts to less depressing topics.  I continued to press, poke and flex my hand for similar effect for a couple of days until I realized doing so was a form of self-harm.  Self-harm along with drinking or doing drugs while depressed are on my blacklist of behaviors so I stopped.

Ok one last thing that is not depressing:  So at work my name-tag says Gil which everyone assumes is short for my birth name which you should be able to figure out.  It's really short for Gillian my chosen name.  Also I prefer to be called Gilly.

Today a new employee asked me, "What's Gil short for?  Gillian?"  Now I'm not out at work and I don't pass as a woman.  I was speechless.  Part of me so wanted to say yes but because I'm not out I felt like I couldn't or shouldn't.  Instead I said, "Its complicated."  Not the answer I wanted to give but the best answer I felt comfortable giving.

That's all I got tonight,

Tuesday, August 23, 2011


I went back to the Gulf Bend Center for my diagnostic/financial evaluation.  
Good news: I make so little money that my max monthly payment would be $0.  
Bad news: the guy I talked to didn’t seem to have any knowledge of trans* stuff.  Despite not knowing anything about trans* stuff, he wanted to talk about my “changing” identity.  
I feel like I may not have expressed myself well enough.  I am functional in day to day life.  But I want to be more than just functional.  I want to feel like I am not just marking time.  I want to feel like I have a future to work toward and not just be living for no reason.  I don’t know if I got this across to him.
The guy has to pass his notes on to his supervisor who will decide if they can/will help me.  I just have this sinking feeling that I’m going to get passed over.  That because I have a job I do good at, have gone to college and done well, have never tried to kill myself, and have not had to go to the ER because of a panic attack he is going to decide I don’t “really” help.  If I didn’t need help I wouldn’t have sought it out.
For more than ten years I have lived with feeling like something was wrong with me.  But I told myself as long as I can hide it, as long as it doesn’t interfere with work or family, then I didn’t need help.  And that has worked for the most part.  It isn’t working anymore.
Part of me feels like revealing my transgender status was a mistake.  That I should have just said I was depressed and didn’t know why and just BS my way through it all.  It’s better to get some help than no help, right?
I’m totally stressing out over this.  I’m not even sure it would be worth it if they did decide to provide counseling.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

8-17-11 I'm getting help

So, the other day(Monday) I was feeling really bad(depressed, hopeless, wrong, failing) and I started thinking, like I have at times, that I would rather (stop being, sleep forever, not exist) than feel as bad as I was feeling.  Then I started making plans.  I started to plan how I would get my affairs(money, possessions, cat) in order before killing myself.  This really scared me.

I realized what I was doing and focused on, well, not thinking about killing myself.

I've felt like I would rather die than keep existing before but I've kept this feeling in check.  I know that killing myself is not the answer.  One of the pillars of my personal moral code is to cause as little harm to others as possible.  Killing myself would cause massive harm to those that love, like or even just knew me.  It is not an option I am willing to take.  Except for a brief period of time I was willing.

I went today to the Gulf Bend Center to start getting help.  I have to go back for a diagnostic assessment.  It has been hard to make myself seek help but Monday I realized not getting help was not really an option.

It was hard once I got there to say I needed help.  Even harder was explaining how I've been feeling.  I told the woman I saw about being depressed on and off for about ten years but that it had been getting worse recently.  I had to mention my sister's death which started some water works going.  The woman I talked to asked if there was anything that might have caused my depression.  I wanted to tell her that I'm transgender.  I couldn't say it.  I knew I wanted to be honest but didn't feel like I could trust her.  I knew that I could trust her but I didn't feel it, if that makes any sense.  I had to write it down and show it to her.  She reassured me that she wasn't there to judge me or anything bad.

So recap:  I'm getting help for my depression/anxiety.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Parents might be more accepting than I thought

So, today my parents helped me move the stuff I had put in storage a while back when I didn’t have a place to keep it in.
I told my parents I was transgender three years ago when I finally began to feel that I could accept myself after years of self-doubt.  I’m still working on truly accepting myself but I’m getting there.  
When I told my parents, my mom was more accepting of me while my dad seemed to not want to listen to what I was saying.  He may not have liked what I was saying but he didn’t reject me either.  And we haven’t really talked about it since.
Things haven’t been strained or awkward mostly because I haven’t made much progress in transitioning.  I don’t bring it up and neither do they.  It’s almost like I never came out to them.  There have been a few times that I have heard my mom say she or her when talking about me but it’s always been isolated events.
Today something strange and wonderful happened.  Today my mom AND my dad used she and her when talking about me.  They weren’t perfect about it but I heard more she and hers from them that I heard he and hims.
My dad said to my aunt, “We got her stuff out of storage,” when she asked what we had been doing today.  There was a little hesitation but he didn’t correct himself.  
Part of me wants to think that they’ve decided to support me but don’t know how to come out and say so and this is how they’re doing it.  That part feels like crying with joy.
Part of me wonders if maybe they just slipped up.  That I’m reading to much into a few slips of the tongue.
I hope the first part is right.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

The guy called back.

The guy from Friday called me yesterday.  He said he thought he had a missed number from my phone and was calling back.  Since I didn't have his number this is obviously an excuse to call me so I would then have his number.  I was busy at the time so we didn't talk long.

I'm debating on whether or not I should call him back.  On one hand I feel like I'm in limbo while transitioning.  On the other hand someone expressed desire for me.  I'm torn between wanting to be wanted and feeling like I can't or shouldn't become involved with anyone.

What makes this doubly hard for me is that I'm not good on the phone.  It feels awkward to talk to someone on the phone.  Then add in my social awkwardness and it seems an impossible task.  How can I possibly ask him what he wants from me and tell him that I'm transgender?

And I will tell him, if I call him back, because if I did't and we hit it off then later I would be torn between telling him and possibly ruining what we had or stop transitioning.  I know me and in that situation I probably would stop transitioning.

I haven't even decided to call him back and already I'm planning out our relationship but I need to take the long view.  If I don't take the long view, if I get bogged down in the present, I am likely to make quick, easy and horribly bad decisions.

I think I'm more confused now than when I started writing this.


Then there's the fact that I'm not sure of what I want.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

I met a guy

So today I went by my storage unit just to check up on my stuff.  I'm planing on moving everything out of storage soon and wanted to take a quick visual inventory.  Next to the storage place are some apts.  As I was walking past them after I had left my unit a guy called out to me.  He asked me if I wanted a ride.  After informing him of where I needed to go(home) and him saying it wasn't a problem I got in his mini-van and we were off.  Along the way we chatted, well he asked questions and I tried to answer with more than one word because I'm kinda bad at small talk.  He asked when I was off work and what I did on those days and if I would mind if he called me one day.  At which point I realized he might be trying to make a date with me.  When he asked if I had someone who might get mad if he called I became very sure.  I felt a little uncomfortable with the way the conversation was going and I think he sensed that cause he backed off a bit and changed the subject.  I did eventually give him my number.  I'm not entirely sure why.  I think partly it feels good to be wanted.  Maybe partly because I've got no other prospects.

I'm a little scared though.  What did he see me as?  Did he see me as a man?  Did he see me as a woman?  I'm fairly certain he saw me as a man.  I'm honest enough with myself to know I don't pass yet.  But part of me clings to the mad crazy idea that somehow he saw me as a woman.  I'm scared because what if he did and I tell him I'm trans and (every bad thing that could happen because a cis man thought he was 'fooled' by a trans woman) happens.  What if he saw me as a man and I tell him and he isn't interested anymore?

What if I tell him I'm transgender and it doesn't change anything?

He has my number so the ball is in his court so to speak.  I'm going to try my hardest to put this out of my mind and not feel bad if he doesn't call.

Goddess I wish my sister was here so I could talk to her about this.

Going to cry myself to sleep think of my sister,

Friday, July 22, 2011

Thoughts about the future of trans* people

(I'm still feeling good which means I have energy and mental fortitude to think about things and to write about things.  Things like the following.  I encourage feedback.  Tell me where my logic is wrong.  Tell me I'm full of BS.  Tell me I need to learn more.  Tell me something.)

I've been thinking a lot about the future of trans* people.

I have been thinking about trans kids and future trans role models.  As it becomes more acceptable to be trans more children are transitioning younger and being prescribed hormone blockers, which means that more are avoiding the permanent changes puberty of their birth sex would cause.  This is a good thing for them.  It also means that they will blend into mainstream cis society much more easily.

What will  Will they even be trans in the way we think of it(I know trans has more definitions than stars in the sky but bear with me)?  Will they just be women and men who had a medical condition when they were younger?  Will

Maybe that's for the best.  Maybe there doesn't always need to be a trans movement.  Maybe we can 'win'.  Maybe one day it won't matter that Suzie was born male or that Mark was born female.  Maybe they will grow up in a world where it's not shameful to be a woman born male or a man born female.  Maybe as soon as they're old enough to understand, they will tell their parents, "Hey I'm a girl," or "Hey I'm a boy."  And their parents will say, "Thank you for telling us.  We'll get your info updated at the school."  And life will go on.

Maybe... but how will they know that it's ok to say that without visible trans people?  If every trans person transitions young and blends in then who will trans people look to know that they will be accepted?  Can we be accepted and still be visible?  How can we blend but still stand out?

I have more thoughts but it's getting late and I have work tomorrow.  I'll try to write more tomorrow.

Till then.


Thursday, July 21, 2011

7-21-11 Bras, self hate, suicide / I'm feeling better

This week has been one of the best weeks I've had in several months.  I've had some rocky moments but overall I haven't felt really depressed.  I've felt dysphoric about my body though.  A couple of days I've felt... wrong.  I've felt like ripping apart this corpse that I walk around in.  I've felt like a freak.  I'm scared that I will never be who I feel I am.  That everyone will look at me and not see 'me' but this flesh that doesn't meet their expectations of what a woman looks like.

Besides that I really am feeling a lot better than I have since even before my sister died.  I'd like to say that the hormones are leveling out my mood.  It's been three weeks since I restarted hrt.  Part of me really wants this to be the case.  Part of me knows I've had good weeks like this before and they always end.


I bought some sports bras online.  I wore one today to work.  I was a little nervous that someone would say something.  After a while I started to relax and mostly forgot about it.  I realized that I'm not wearing it for anyone else but myself so no one has any right to question me about it.  Not that anyone did.  I'm pretty sure that it isn't that hard to notice that I'm wear it but that might just be me knowing what to look for.

To be honest I've needed to wear something to contain my breasts for a while now.  I've put up with a lot of jiggling because I was afraid.  I was afraid of what other people might say.  I was afraid of being who I am because all my life the message I got from society was that being trans* was wrong.  It's weird and freaky and no one wants 'that'.  I bought into this message for twenty odd years and have spent several years trying to deprogram that message from my brain and learn to love myself.

I'm almost there.  It's still in there making me doubt myself and making me want to step backwards.  I am stronger than that.  If I wasn't I wouldn't be here now.  I'd be dead.  Cause that's what that message leads to. Death.  Every dead trans* person is dead because they bought into that message that they are less than.  Less than a man.  Less than a woman.  Less than a person.  How can anyone who believes that keep on living?  They don't.  I've stared into that dark path long and hard.  I still sometimes glance down it.  It promises relief from the unending torment of living.  "Peace," it whispers, "in death."

If there was something after death I might take that path but there isn't.  At least there's no proof that there is. This is my one chance at life.  I'm taking it.  It's taken me too long to grasp this simple idea.  This is the only chance I get to live my life, so why am I not living it the way I want to?

It's easy for me to spout super positive stuff like the last paragraph.  It's harder for me to live it but I'm trying.  I'm trying but it's hard to fight yourself.  I'm taking things one step at a time until I've walked to where I need to be.

This kinda got away from me.  I really just wanted to say I've started wearing sports bras and find them comfortable(no more jiggling) not reflect on my self hate and suicidal thoughts and current feelings of such but there it is.

Tell next time.


Monday, July 11, 2011

Update 7-11-11

So my sister died last Saturday.  I'm not great but I'm dealing.  The worst thing is sometimes I forget and then I remember and it hurts like losing her the first time.

I'm getting along with my roommate.  Sometimes I feel weird being in the apt.  I feel out of place and like an intruder.  I stay in my room a lot.  I feel bad about staying in my room a lot like I'm being antisocial but some days I can't deal with being out of my room.

I restarted hrt on June 30 or July 1.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011


Ok so it's been two weeks since my move to my new to me apt which came with a roommate and three cats.  I'm still adapting to living in a new space.  I feel a little like an intruder since my roommate has been living here longer than me which makes me the new person.  I'm not saying I don't like my roommate cause I really do like her.  Yesterday she asked me if I wanted her to use male or female pronouns.  She's only the second person who has asked me that.  It made me feel like less of a freak(I know I'm not a freak but sometimes I feel like one).

Quick digression to the day I moved(June 1) : That day was the last day I had paid to be in my former apt and the first day I could move into my new apt so I had to move everything that day.  Luckily I hadn't moved much stuff from storage and had no furniture to move.  The friend who had introed me and my new roommate volunteered to help me move.  She picked me up after I got off work.  As she drove out of the parking lot of my work, she mentioned she had seen something I had posted on my facebook and asked me if I wanted her to refer to me as a woman.  She was the first person to ask me that.  I said yes and that was that.  The rest of the day when she had to refer to me in third person she said she or her.  I don't think anyone really caught on that she was doing that but I noticed and it made me feel like less of a freak(again I know I'm not really a freak but I still feel like one sometimes).

Back to the present:  This morning I was feeling mostly neutral.  Then while I was taking some meat up to the prep line I caught part of a conversation between two guys.  They were talking about a woman when one leaned close to the other and whispered, "She used to be a he."  I was kneeling next to them so it wasn't hard for me hear this.  The second guy then said, "Aww no one wants that."  I'm not sure if they said anything else because I kind of went away mentally for a minute while my body finished putting up the meat and walked to the back.  I tried to go back to work but I couldn't focus so I went to the bathroom and broke down for a few minutes.  After that the day was a little more bleak.

I wish I had been able to confront the guy about what he said but I couldn't.  As soon as he said what he said everything became fuzzy and I couldn't think.  The thing that really hurts is that this one of the few guys at work that I was on friendly terms.  Not that I'm enemies with the rest but I don't really talk to them either.  Part of me want's to go back tomorrow and confront him but I know that he won't remember what he said.  To me it was a triggering statement.  To him it was just a mindless comment.  Also I'm not out at work to the majority of my co-workers so I'd also have to out myself to him to explain why it hurt me so much.  The really sad thing was I was considering coming out to him but now I don't feel safe to do so.

Sorry to end on a depressing note but that's all I got for today,

Tuesday, May 31, 2011


It's been three weeks since I last posted anything, mostly due to my depression.

I'm moving out of the one bedroom apt I moved into at the beginning of the month.  I'm moving into a two bedroom with a friend of a friend who needed a roommate because her's was getting married and moving out.  I'm moving in tomorrow in fact.  It's kind of scary but I think it will better for me than living alone.  Also the rent will be cheaper and we will have internet, something I have been missing at home.

Really just wanted to check in after being gone for so long.  Maybe now that I'll have internet at home I'll post more often.


The following is for my own benefit so if I need to remember what happened on this day I can.
HEALTH NOTE:  Last night I got to bed late.  This morning I took a 200mg caffeine pill along with two Excedrin on my way to work(7:30 ish).  Shortly after I got to work they kicked in and I entered a hypomanic state which is what I intended to happen.  Later around 9:30 my mouth began to water and I felt a very strong urge to vomit.  I made it to the bathroom and dry heaved a couple of times(I had not eaten anything since the night before) before vomiting acid and some black specks(internet research suggests this may have been blood).  I continued to feel sick for another hour before feeling like I had to vomit again.  This second vomit was the same as the first.  Again I continued to feel sick afterwards.  Around 12:00-12:30 I once more felt the strong urge to vomit.  I was working cash and fought off the urge.  Manager noticed I was a little off, I said my stomache was upset, he offered me some pepto bismo which I took.  I began to feel better but still a little sick.  Finished my shift without feeling like I had to vomit again.  I ate a sandwich which seems to have helped a little.  Black specks(blood) were of a very small amount.  Will watch for reoccurrence.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


I'm still here.  I don't know if I really want to be here.

Every morning I make the choice to get up and go to work like a real person.  I don't feel like a real person.  I'm empty.  A shell that looks and moves and sounds like a person.

Hopelessness burns like fire on my soul.
In this moment and the next and the next I am fine.
Only when I let the future in does the emptiness try to consume me.
What am I living for?  What is my purpose?  Why don't I just give up?

I want to stop living.
I want peace in my soul.
I want quiet in my mind.
I want a respite from this endless fight to be.

I'm tired of fighting myself.  I'm tired of everything.
Why can't I just lie down?
Why don't I just end it?
Why do I keep pretending everything is all right when my world is crumbling burning falling drowning bleeding into nothingness?

Because I don't know how to do anything else.
I've told you a thousand times in my head these things.
And a thousand times you've said nothing back.  Not even in my dreams.
How could you when I will never tell you these things?

I'm afraid to die without telling you.
I'm more afraid that once I tell you I won't be afraid to die.

This is not a suicide note.  This is merely a brief snapshot of my state of mind.  I will return with happier or at least less depressing posts.


Tuesday, April 26, 2011


Mood:  Today I feel okayish.  Almost neutral but I can feel an undercurrent of negative emotions in the back of my head.  Sunday after I got home from our family's Easter get together, I crashed emotionally, curled up on my bed and passed out for a couple of hours before getting up and taking my clothes to wash.

Happenings:  I'm still working on the Film Club t-shirt.  I'm going to try to finalize the design tonight.  I'll be working on the film for Haven the rest of the week and weekend.  Part of me feels bad about waiting until the last two weeks before it needs to be done but it's hard for me to dedicate myself to a project that has too much time left before the deadline.

I met with the woman who's roommate is getting married and moving out.  We seem to be compatible as roommates and maybe friends in time.  The friend who recommended her to me came along to ease to awkwardness.  The three of us went on short nature walk, ate at Double Dave's and then saw African Cats.  So we ended up spending about seven hours together.

Media:  I've started playing Deadspace.  I'm playing about two hours a night.  So far the game is very good.

Writing:  I've given up on Script Frenzy.  I don't have the mental energy right now to do it.


Monday, April 18, 2011


Mood: Detached, depressed, feeling worthless and useless.  I know I'm not worthless or useless.  I tell myself that I am worth something and I can do almost anything I put my mind to.  It's hard to believe myself sometimes when it doesn't 'feel' true even if I know it to be true.

Happenings:  A friend has introed me to one of her friends who is looking for a new roommate (current one is getting married).  We've just exchanged an email but will be meeting to get to know each other to see if we'll get along.

Media:  I finished Mass Effect 3.  Only one of my team died in the final mission.  I'm tempted to replay the last mission just to keep him alive but part of me feels like it would be cheating to do so.  During the final mission I made what I thought were the best choices at the time.  Those choices led to that teammate's death.  That's the story I played.  To replay that mission and rig the outcome to save him would be like rewriting Wash's death in Serenity.  You may not agree with what happened but it happened.

Writing:  I've not written anything since my last post.  I'm hoping that I'll be able to do some writing soon.


Wednesday, April 13, 2011


Mood: I've been feeling a little better the past two days.  I've been feeling less of the soul crushing hopelessness and worthlessness.  I feel empty in a kind of neutral way.  I'm feeling kinda detached from what's happening around me a lot of the time.

Happenings:  I've been keeping busy with Script Frenzy, see below; designing a t-shirt for the film club, and making a short film for Haven.  As long as I have something to do I don't feel completely useless.  I worry about what I'll do when I'm done with these projects.

Media:  I've gone to see a couple of movies since Sucker Punch, which is already out of the theaters.  I saw Paul and Hanna.  Paul was just a fun geeky movie.  A little offensive in a couple of spots but mostly just fun.  Hanna was good in a different way.  I liked it but it was a little too artsy at points.  I also didn't like the way the main character's motivation came from her father and not from her own decisions.

Writing:  I'm doing Script Frenzy, which is a month long effort to write a 100 page script.  I'm currently at 15 pages.  If I can write an average of 4-5 pages a day for the rest of the month I'll meet the total easy.

Monday, April 11, 2011


Quick post before my netbook battery dies on me.

I'm still feeling depressed.  It's worse than ever before and lasting longer than I can remember a depressive episode to last.  On a scale of one to ten I've been having a lot of ones and two for the last month and a half to two months I think.  I've been trying to stay busy with Haven and the Film Club and with friends but I still have to go home alone at some point.

No promises as to when my next post will be.


Monday, March 28, 2011

3-28-11 Sucker Punch

I went into Sucker Punch knowing as little as possible.  I knew Zack Snyder had directed it and it was his story.  I had seen the trailer and I knew it was a bout a group of women trying to escape from a mental hospital.  That's all I knew.  It was enough to get me into the theater.

I went in thinking that at the very least I would see a fun action packed movie.  Sucker Punch delivers on the that front and more.  You are probably not going to believe me but Suckerpunch is not just a mere action movie; it is a Film.  A movie is entertaining; a Film is art.  You can watch it as an action movie but if you want you can begin to peel back the layers of this Film and find a work of art.  I've been replaying the movie in my head all weekend long.  I've never felt so enraptured by a movie before.

Looking around the internet I see quite a few people are seriously hating on this movie.  I wish I had the energy to engage them in discussions and really find out why they hate it.

Mood: Still depressed.  I've had a few really bad days and a few not as bad days.  On a scale of 1-10 I've been averaging about a 3 for the last week.

Happenings: I went to see Sucker Punch.  See above for my reaction to it.

Media: Over the weekend I saw Sydney White and Push.  Push was an ok movie.  Pretty standard thriller/action movie.  It doesn't have a proper ending through, instead opting for a sequel hook that wouldn't be bad if they had made the sequel, which they didn't due to the movie doing poorly.

Sydney White is also an ok movie.  I've been working on a piece that I'll be posting here later in the week about how LGBT people are portrayed in the film.  They're not important to the plot and are only on screen for a few minutes but I think it's important to talk about how LGBT people are portrayed when they are shown as part of the normal human continuum.

Writing:  The aforementioned piece on LGBT in Sydney White.  I'm also been thinking about how trans* characters are usually portrayed in fiction, especially movies.  I might have something about that as well soon.

I've also been trying to flesh out the bare middle of an older story.  The other day I had some great ideas and even scripted a full scene in my head while I was working but didn't make any notes and when I tried to remember them after work I couldn't.

That's all I got right now,

Thursday, March 24, 2011


I am experiencing a major depressive episode. It's hard to know for sure but looking at past posts it looks like it's been about two weeks since I really started to feel really depressed.

Yesterday I happened upon a book titled Why Am I still Depressed?, which is about the bipolar spectrum and how it's possible that someone could be bipolar without realizing it.  Being that I'm somewhat poor I didn't buy it.  I am taking an idea from it and rating my mood everyday on a 1 to 10 scale.  I'll be writing the numbers down on a calender that I have hanging in my room.  It should be easy enough for me to write down a single number that I won't forget to do it.  After a few weeks or possibly months I'll be able to see if my mood cycles from depressed  to normal.

I'm almost sure that I'll see some sort of regular cycle.  I remember noticing patterns to my mood before in my old livejournal.  For at least three months I made note of feeling very depressed for a week every month.  If I can find the time I might go over all my old posts and try to piece together a mood graph for the last four years or so.

Right now I'm feeling empty.  I feel detached from life.  I've been walking around in a daze a lot lately.  I feel like a fake person a lot of the time when I'm talking to people.  Like I'm only saying what a "normal" person would say not what I want to say.

That's all I got for now.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011


Mood/mental health: I feel agitated. I feel like I can't sit still. I have a slight headache. My thoughts feels like they are racing. I feel unfocused, like I'm not in my body and in it at the same time or switching between the two states very fast.

Happenings: The night of my last post I cleaned my bathroom. I washed all my dishes the other day as well. My apartment is still messier than I would like it but at least some progress has been made. I talked to the manager at the cookie store to see if she would talk to the regional manager about rehiring me part time. I really hope she(regional manager) says yes. I really want to go back to working with the people there and I could use the extra money.

Media: I watched Battle Royale over the weekend. It's a Japanese film about a middle school class that is forced to kill each other by the government. Not a whole lot of depth to the movie but it is entertaining.

Writing: I wrote a scene for JOBC and outlined a story. I did this while at the mall hanging out near the cookie store that JOBC is based on.


Tuesday, March 8, 2011


Most of this post was written last night to be posted today.

Mood: Mostly okay. I am feeling depressed but dealing with it right now.

Added before posting: I'm feeling more tired than depressed right now.

Happenings: I want to clean my apt tonight. It's gotten kind of messy, like my living areas often do when I get depressed. I know it's messy and I want to clean it but often I just can not muster the energy to actually do it. Usually I just live with it until I get a break in my depression and end up cleaning everything in a single fit of "I must clean". I'm trying to break that cycle by forcing myself to clean tonight.

Added just before posting: I just got off work. My boss asked me to stay a little late to cover for someone who had to leave early. I'm feeling really run down so I don't think I'm going to hav it in me to clean my entire apt. I'm going to aim for getting the dishes all washed and see how I feel after that.

Media: Hopefully more Dragon Age: Origins or maybe a movie.

Writing: None.


Sunday, March 6, 2011


Double post today due to Thursday's post not getting posted until today.

Mood: Feeling average right now. Saturday I spent a little time with my sister and her kids which almost always makes me feel better, so it was a good mood day.

Friday I started the day feeling a little run down. Around 11am I started to feel a migraine coming on. I finished what I was doing and downed three Excedrin, the dose that works best for me. For about fifteen minutes I suffered through migraine symptoms until the Excedrin kicked in and kick in it did. I felt great. I felt full of energy. I felt mildly high. I've never felt that way after taking Excedrin before. After doing some research I think I what I experienced was a normal reaction to a high dose (but not overdose) of caffeine. I'm unsure if I actually took my regular three or if a fourth pill might have slipped out of the bottle into my hand and been consumed accidentally. In any event I was feeling very good for most of the day but did feel a little unfocused and had trouble sitting still.

Health: Like I said I felt a migraine coming on Friday but took Excedrin and felt fine. Today, Sunday, I again felt a migraine coming on and took Excedrin for it. The weather has been shifting lately which is a cause of my migraines.

Happenings: Nothing really.

Media: I finished the main story in Fallout 3. I have a save from just before starting the last mission so I can still complete the other side quests I didn't get to but having finished the game and reaching the level cap had me feeling like moving on to a different. So I have restarted playing Dragon Age: Origins. I'm playing a female rouge noble. My previous rouge was a city elf but it's been so long since I played that I've forgotten most of what has happened to her so I started over with a new character. I'm going to try to finish a playthrough so I can get Dragon Age 2. I know I could play DA2 without finishing DAO but in my head I can't.

Writing: None.



I wrote this Thursday but didn't get to post it until today(Sunday).

So I missed yesterday's promised post due to getting caught up reading my feeds and then attending the Haven meeting and then wanting to get home before it got to late.

Mood: I feel a lot better than I have been feeling. Part of it is that during the past week I've been making sure I get plenty of sleep. Being tired doesn't make it any easier for me to deal with depressive episodes which is something that I sometimes forget. My mood still feels a little fragile like it wouldn't take much for me to fall back into hopeless despair. Hopefully I'll start feeling more stable for a while at least.

Health: I've been well except for last night when I woke up because I felt some fluid draining from my nose. I wiped it with my hand and saw nothing but clear fluid. I wiped it again and this time my hand came away from my face with blood on it. I grabbed the bridge of my nose and stopped the blood flow while walking to the bathroom for toilet paper. My nosebleed stopped quickly and I when back to sleep.

The blood came from the same nostril as the nosebleeds I had three weeks ago (noted in post 2-11-11). Around the last time my nose was bleeding spontaneously it was still cold. It has been a little cooler the last couple of nights so it might just be the cool dry air giving me nosebleeds but it seems odd that it's the same nostril and feels like it might be the same spot.

Happenings: Haven meeting yesterday and Film club meeting earlier. Haven is struggling to survive. The last two meetings have been very low attendance(like five or four people only one of which was a student and VC). A few years ago I had the thought that I wanted to make this city better for LGBT people in some way. This gay straight alliance is a start.

I won the trivial contest in the Film club meeting by one point with a lucky guess. I got a movie called "Naked Bomb" which stars Don Adams as Agent 86, Maxwell Smart, from the show Get Smart, which I loved to watch as a child.

Media: I've been playing Borderlands and my character is at level 29. I watched Surrogates last night. Its an average movie, not a bad movie but not really great one either.

Writing: none


Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Feeling tired but not really depressed. This might be the end of this depressive episode. Real post tomorrow. Promise. ~Gilly

Friday, February 25, 2011

Job Whining

I think I've moved from being ok with my job to only caring enough to not want to get fired. I feel like I'm on the verge of hating my job. I don't think it's the job or the people I work with. I think it's me getting tired of being at this job. Made it's just the depression making everything suck. I don't know. I just wish I had a job I loved.

That's all I got in me for today.


Monday, February 21, 2011


Last week I was fighting depression. I'm still fighting off black thoughts but I have several projects I'm working on off and on to keep me busy. So I'm coping but haven't been in the mood write posts or anything else.

I've been working on gathering info about getting a blanket license for the college's film club. I've also been working on a proposal for Haven's, the gay straight alliance at the college, first event.

Oh, I haven't written about what happened. Ok, so remember the film club and Haven were going to have screen two movies for Haven's Groundhog's Day Coming Out event. The event was canceled by college administration. They said that the film club was screening movies in violation of copyright laws. In fact the film club has been doing this unaware. Now it could just be a coincidence that when the LGBT club wants to show some movies is when they decide to say we can't show any movies due to copyright concerns but somehow I doubt it.

So now the film club can't show movies which is why I'm working on the blanket licence. It won't let us show any movie, only movies from a list of independent distributors. There are still a lot of movies we can show from them that will be worthwhile.

Besides those things I've mostly been randomly reading stuff online and just trying not to feel too depressed.

That's all for today,

Tuesday, February 15, 2011


It's one of those days again. I'm going to try to have something for tomorrow but no promises. Sorry.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Feeling a little sick. Saturday's and today's posts will be up tuesday. --Gilly

Friday, February 11, 2011


Mood: Feeling mostly fine. The other day I was walking home feeling good, thinking about this story I want to write which is really the back story to this other story I want to write when I saw a McDonald's bag, side split, ketchup packets spilling out, by the side of the road and suddenly had a flash of a dream I had months ago. This was not a good dream. That day I woke up and started crying because what happened in the dream was horrible. I wrote down the dream but didn't post or talk about it here. I've pretty much put it out of my mind but when I saw that bag which looked like the bag from my dream I didn't feel fine anymore. I was a little shaken but I kept walking and after a while I started to feel better and mostly put it out of my head again. Until I saw another McDonald's bag and it all came back again. It was a little easier to put it away the second but it still bothered me.

Health: Monday and Tuesday I had nosebleeds. I just had one a few minutes ago. Might be nothing but I want to make a note of it.

Happenings: I went to the College Film Club meeting yesterday. You may remember I mentioned the Film Club partnering with Haven for a Groundhog Coming Out Event. Well it was canceled by the college administration due to copyright concerns. I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt and accepting this as an unfortunate coincidence.

Writing: I wrote about a page and a half.

Media: I watched Assault Girls last night. It was a good but short movie.


Tuesday, February 8, 2011


Mood: I feel good right now. I did have an unexpected crying jag on Saturday. It was triggered by a sentimental commercial featuring a dying father. The thing I am most afraid of and that I know will one day come true is losing my parents. I've seen that commercial before but for some reason when I saw it this time I started crying. I didn't feel sad or depressed but I still couldn't stop crying for almost twenty minutes.

Happenings: I've started cooking healthier foods. Last night I tried making sushi rice again following this recipe from Alton Brown. I cut the recipe in fourth to yield a cup of rice. I used long grain rice instead of short grain. I followed the recipe but the rice came out a touch under cooked. I tinkered with the sauce that coats the rice, adjusting the suger and salt amounts. The rice tasted ok but I will have to play with it a little more to perfect it.

Also I stir fried some vegetables to top the rice with. While the rice was cooking I cut some red bell pepper, yellow onion, broccoli and a carrot. The bell pepper I cut into strips. I cut two thin slices of onion which I cut in half and separated the half rings. The broccoli I cut into small peices and the carrot I cut in half and then lengthwise into thin sticks.

I heated about two tablespoons of oil in a pan with a little garlic power for flavor. Once the pan and oil were sizzling hot I added the bell pepper and onion. I cooked them for about a minute before adding the rest of the vegetables along with some stir fry sauce(yes I cheated with a store bought sauce but I didn't have time to try to make my own sauce). I cooked the vegetables for about two or three more minutes stirring a couple of times to ensure even cooking.

The rice went into a bowl and the vegetables went on top straight from the pan:

So to recap, the rice was just a touch under cooked and the flavor was off but still good. I was very happy with how the veggies came out though.

Media: I finished an archive binge of Head Trip. It's a funny weird comic. Most of it is slice of life strips that sometimes comment on pop culture. Between that are short arcs of "The Adventures of Chemo Kid and Emo Kid" which are just awesome.

Writing: I've had a minor breakthrough on how to tweak a story that has been stalled for a several months.


Sunday, February 6, 2011


Ironic isn't it that right after I mention that I was able to make my goal of five posts in a week, circumstances keep my from posting all the next week. Mostly it's been the freezing weather driving me home early and keeping me away from posting. I had a post written Wednesday but lost it to a system freeze and I don't want to try to rewrite it. My mood has been fine all week.

Anyway look at these:

I made sushi rolls!! Admittedly they're a little sloppy and the rice isn't quite right but I made them.

I've wanted to try my hand at making sushi for a while now but never got around to trying. Yesterday I boiled some rice for to add to a package of scampy flavored noddles. I had some left over and the thought popped into my head to make sushi rice at least. I looked up a recipe on my phone and found one from Alton Brown of Good Eats, which is my favorite cooking show. The only thing I needed for that recipe was rice vinegar. I headed over to H-E-B picked up the rice vinegar, a set of measuring spoons, measuring cup and a knife set. I also got a red bell pepper, cucumber and avocado to put inside the roll.

I made the rolls the way I've seen and read to make them to the best of my amateur ability. They weren't as tightly rolled as they should have been and the rice was a little mushy do to my overcooking it just a touch. Overall I think it's a good first effort but needs improvement before I can say I can make good sushi.


Monday, January 31, 2011


Mood: Okay right now. Earlier this morning I was feeling pretty bad. I was zoned out letting my zombie move my body and do my job. A coworker asked if I was alright cause she said I was being very quiet. I had to come back from the back of my mind to talk and lied saying I was fine. After that I was back in my body and was really feeling the empty sucking void that should have been "my sense of worth as a person" so I went to the bathroom and cried for a few minutes silently.

I feel good that I met my goal of five posts in a week even if one was real short from my phone and one was a angst fest.

Happenings: Nothing happened over the weekend. I stayed home and played Borderlands all day on Sunday, my day off.

Writing Progress: Wrote a story outline.

Media: Borderlands.

Friday, January 28, 2011


Slight format change. I've cut down the headers down to just one word and the header Media is going to combine the watching and reading headings.

Mood: I'm feeling better. Not empty anymore. Just kind of tired but that might be from not enough sleep.

Happenings: So Wednesday I was feeling very depressed if you couldn't tell from my depressed raving. It started in the morning and has been ongoing. I left Hasting's shortly after posting that and went to Dollar General to get some kitty litter. I passed a liquor store and thought about buying a bottle of something to help me relax but decided to save my money. While buying the litter I saw some coffee/hot chocolate mugs. Realizing I that I don't have a mug I decided too buy one and a box of hot chocolate mixes. I don't know why but the idea of making hot chocolate when I got home made me feel a little better and the walk to the bus stop in the cool night air helped as well. I made it home without incident, made something to eat, took a shower, made a cup of hot chocolate that I dipped a couple of cookies in, and went to sleep.

Thursday morning I woke up feeling okay. I had the thought that by not eating breakfast I'm putting my blood sugar level in the gutter for the morning, which wasn't helping my depressed state. So I made some toast and put some jelly on it. It didn't really help much if at all. An hour or so after waking up I started to feel the depression taking hold again. I entered a kind of waking sleep mode to keep moving. It's hard to describe but basically, I let the part of my mind that knows how to do my job take over and I just kind of go along for that ride. I'm still there and can do things but mostly its just my body doing things on autopilot.

Lunch in the deli was bearable. After work I made the short post from my phone and went to Gamespot to browse around a bit. I picked up a copy of Borderlands. Also I renewed my discount card and Game Informer subscription now that I have a permanent address. I stopped to talk with my sister for a little while before going by the store to get a few things. I ate a couple of sandwiches for supper. Then I wrote most of this post before popping in Borderlands.

Media: I played borderlands for a few hours before showering and going to bed. I'm enjoying it so far and will right more when I get the chance.

Writing: None.


Thursday, January 27, 2011

Just a quick post from my phone. Still feeling depressed but not as bad as last night. I'm going straight home from work and getting some r&r. Gilly

Wednesday, January 26, 2011


I feel terrible. My head hurts and I'm hungry and thirsty because I've not eaten or drunk anything for about six hours after eating a small lunch. I'm in the middle of a fairly bad depressive episode. I've been reading the internet for most of those six hours to distract myself. It's a weird habit I have to block out how I bad I feel by immersing myself in readings blogs. It works to a degree but doesn't really make my feel better and some times backs fires when I run into news of bad stuff happening to people.

Earlier I had the urge to get up, walk out the door, and jump in front of a fast moving truck. I'm still here obviously. I say I don't want to kill myself but what if one day the urge is stronger than my rational thoughts.

I wish some times that I could just stop living. I feel empty inside. Like I'm not a real person. Just some kind of construct pretending to be a person. Some times it just hurts so much to exist that I just want it to stop or I want the pain of living to stop. That sounds so childish but its how I feel.

So thats a little peek at what's going inside my head right now. I'll be better tomorrow hopefully.


Tuesday, January 25, 2011

1-25-11 I wrote something!

So I joined this writing website called Helium. They let you write articles based on titles they suggest. Multiple people can write for the same title and members vote on articles to rank them. The higher your articles rank the more money you get from ad revenue on the site.

I was browsing around the Creative Fiction section and saw the title Anti-Hero. Suddenly I had a story idea, so I opened up the story submit page and wrote it. I banged it out in like thirty to forty minutes but I'm pretty happy with it. I don't really care that it's kind of messy just that I was able to write something. I've barely been able to write anything the past couple of months, so this felt so good.

Mood: Woke up feeling good, started to feel kinda numb after a while at work, got extremely pissed at a customer but I held it in, felt better by the end of my shift, and now feel real good from writing.

Health: Gassiness is gone as is the MID. Will wait two more days before testing self with milk.

What I've been doing: Mostly trying to write.

What I've been watching: I saw The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo last night. Good film but it has some intense scenes that I really would not like to watch too often. Watching it's sequel, The Girl Who Played With Fire tonight or tomorrow.

Writing Progress: See above.

What I'm reading: Tales of MU chapter 7.


Monday, January 24, 2011


Mood: Feeling fine. A little emotionally numb but mostly fine.

Health: I've been a little gassy the past few days. Also experienced mild intestinal discomfort. I think this might be due to the addition of milk to my diet. The symptoms started after I bought a half gallon of milk. It's possible that I've become partly lactose intolerant. I'm going to abstain from drinking an more milk for a while and see if things settle back down. Once I'm feeling health, I'll try drinking some milk and see if the gassiness and discomfort comes back. If it does them I'm probably gonna have to swith to soy milk or just give up milk all together. That would be a shame since I actually do like milk.

What I've been doing: Went to a birthday party with my parents Saturday afternoon. Always nice to spend time with them. They had a trash can for my kitchen since I mentioned I needed one. They dropped me off in front of my apt. I kind of wanted them to come up cause the last time they came by my apt was a mess and I wanted them to see that it wasn't always like that. I have been keeping my apt neat except fo that day that they came by but that's my luck for you.

I've always had trouble keeping friends. Mainly its the keeping in touch when I don't see them everyday. It's easy when I work with someone but since I got fired from the cookie store I've felt the bond between me and my best friend/writing partner growing weaker. Facebook has helped some but neither of us is very active on it. I really don't want to lose him as a friend so I'm going to do something that is a little out of character for me. I'm going to ask him if he wants to hang out some time. Doesn't sound like much but for me it's a huge effort to reach out like that. I hope he says yes.

Writing Progress: I've managed a few paragraphs but my muse is running on empty lately.

What I've been watching: Still haven't watched The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. I think it might not be time for me to watch it. That is in the grand scheme of things I'm not 'supposed' to watch it at this time. But I like sticking it to the universe so I'm going to try to make time tonight to watch it.

What I've been reading: Tales of MU chapter 7

Thursday, January 20, 2011


Wednesdays post is below this.

Mood: Still feeling better than this weekend and Monday. Almost happy.

What I've been doing: I took about five minutes this morning to do some stretching exercises. Work was... work. I went to the local college's film club meeting. I'm not really in the film club since I'm not a student but I know several of the members so I'm kind of the club groupie. Next month on ground hog's day they are hosting in conjunction with Haven, the college's gay straight alliance, a 'coming out' event. Get it- coming out... ground hog... yeah I thought it was kind of a weak joke too. They will be showing two movies: Rent and The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert in the student center.

What I'm watching: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo tonight.

Writing progress: None.

Reading: Tales of Mu chapter 5.



This is Wednesdays post. Thursday's will follow it shortly.

I tried to post this last night from my phone but when I tried to publish it only the title remained and everything else disappeared. It took me over an hour to peck out this post on my phone, which doesn't have a keyboard, but only ten minutes to type it from memory.

Mood: Better. I didn't feel spaced out at work like I have that past few days.

What I've been doing: Looking up stretching exercises. I've noticed a decrease in my range of motion, not a lot but enough that I'm doing something about it before it gets worse.

I had another coworker ask about my necklace. I said it was the transgender symbol and she said, "So does that mean you?" "Yes," I said. "-to female?" she asked. "Yes," I said again. She paused for a second before saying, "So that's why you fit in so good down here." Down here being the to-go area of the deli which is staffed entirely with women and me. She said she knew a classmate of hers had transitioned from female to male.

I felt a little flush while we talked but it also felt good to be honest about who I am. Let me be clear I don't think it's necessary for a trans person to out themselves. For me, a trans woman who is still presenting as a man, it is liberating to tell my coworkers how that I feel like a woman. Everyday is me pretending to be a guy. Pretending that my name doesn't bother me. Pretending that every sir doesn't hurt. Pretending that every if just fine.

What I've been watching: Mythbusters tonight. The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo tomorrow night.

Writing progess: I reread some older stories of mine that stalled out in hopes of finishing them.

What I'm reading: Tales of Mu. There are 485 chapters and I'm kinda taking my time so I'll be reading Tales of Mu for a while. I'm on chapter 5 right now.


Tuesday, January 18, 2011


Mood: Been having a depression/anxiety episode since Friday night. Or maybe the high from getting my own place has worn off. Something like that.

What I've been doing: Friday I didn't go home and watch Lars and the Real Girl. I stayed at Hasting's and really caught up on my feeds and read a bunch of blogs. I ran into a link to a blog claiming "transgenders" bring down "transsexuals". This is such HORSESHIT. It's transphobic and, and just Fuck Them! Sorry but that's the best I can do for a coherent response to that kind of bile. I hate that it gets to me like this. Reading that stuff makes all my doubts and fears go crazy. I wish I was more self-assured. I wish I had more confidence.

Saturday I got through work in a daze and then went home.

Sunday, my day off, I stayed home most of the day. I made sweet rice and ate it while watching Despicable Me. Then I filled my tub up and relaxed in the water for a while. Later I washed my clothes. I watched Lars and the Real Girl before going to bed. It was a good day off.

Monday after work my parents were in the city so I went with them to buy groceries. It was nice to spend time with them. They bought me a dish strainer. They also had a toaster for me but it wasn't new and some sodas.

Today I did something I feel good about. My coworker asked me what my necklace meant. I said it was the symbol for transgender. She asked me what that was and after thinking for a second I said, "It's when a person's gender doesn't match their sex." Which isn't the best definition but it's not terrible. She asked a couple of more questions. In the end she thank me for telling her what it meant. I feel good that I helped inform someone and I didn't brush her off when she asked about my necklace. I've fallen into the habit of doing that lately.

Writing Progress: I worked on chapter 3.

What I've been watching: Lars and the Real Girl and Despicable Me. Will do write ups tomorrow.

Reading: Tales of Mu

Friday, January 14, 2011


So I didn't quite reach five posts this week but it's wasn't due to not wanting to post. I just haven't been near a hotspot the past couple of days, which is the only way I can get online until I save enough to get internet from Virgin Mobile. They have a $40 a month plan for unlimited internet, no contract but you have to buy the usb modem for $99. So I'm saving for that.

Mood: Okay. Lately at work near the end of my shift I've started to feel tired of people. I start to feel like I want to be left alone. During this time I get irritated at things that I know shouldn't irritate me but do at the time. After I get off and sit down for a little while I feel better.

What I've been up to: I watched Evangelion 1.11: You Are (Not) Alone Tuesday night like I said I was going to. It wasn't bad but it is very much a straight remake of the first four or five episodes. There were a few variations in dialog and scene order but nothing new. It was nice to see the new animation but some of the cgi felt tacked on just for show. There is a bit at the very end that comes out of left field and the preview for the next movie really made me want to see it because it looks like it'll be really different from the original series. Which is what I wanted this to be. I wanted the same characters and world but with a different twist to the story. Overall it was a good movie and worth watching if you liked the original series or haven't seen any Evangelion before.

Wednesday I watched Whip It. I loved it. It's a fun movie with great characters. I would say this movie is kind of a mirror to Ice Princess, another movie I love. It's hard for me to talk about this movie because its like my love of this movie is still to new for critical analysis. Give me a week and I'll be back with something.

I hauled a duffel bag and a shopping bag full of of stuff from my storage unit to my apt. It's only six or seven blocks so not really that far. Most of it was DVDs. I also got my comfy shoes, a pair of airwalks that are really comfy but don't really protect against things like gravel so aren't good for walking, a medium sized pot, a bag big of candy I bought right after Halloween for like a two dollars, a some t-shirts, some cds, rabbit ears for my TV, and my tv tray table. You would not believe how nice it is to have some place to set stuff on that isn't my bed. Supper that night was awesome because I didn't have to hold my plate while eating.

I went shopping the other night for groceries. I got a few things that I should be able to turn into several different meals. It is very satisfying to look at my cabinets and see stuff in them and to look in my fridge and see it not empty. It makes me feel very grown up to have food stuffs that aren't microwavable dinners.

Writing Progress: None. I'm going to try to work in an hour a day at least in to my routine.

What I'm watching: Lars and the Real Girl tonight. The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and it's sequel The Girl Who Played with Fire should arrive Monday along with the next disc of Doctor Who series 5.

Reading: I've got the first 15 episodes of Tales of Mu opened in tabs so I can read when I'm at home.

Well that's it for today. I'm going to try to post tomorrow and hopefully next week I'm make my goal of five posts in a week.


Tuesday, January 11, 2011


Mood: Good.

What I did yesterday: I cooked some shells and cheese. This being my second cooked meal in my new apartment. The first was chili dogs. Watched TV most of the night. I think having cable is bad for me cause I end up "looking for something to watch" instead of doing other things like playing video games or writing. When I think about the time spent "looking for something to watch" it feels like wasted time. I'm going to try to cut back on my channel surfing and try to only watch shows I want to watch rather than settling for what's on now.

Writing Progress: Finished the outline I was writing and wrote a few lines of dialog I didn't want to forget. The outline is for a chapter/episode that is a few down in the queue of chapters to be written. I'm having some trouble with the next chapter(ch. 4) but I think if I could get some face time with my BF/WP we could iron it out. I still need to finish writing chapter 3. I was about a third of the way through when I started neglecting my writing. It shouldn't be that hard to finish since I'm really rewriting the script to prose.

What I'm watching(formally Netflixing): I have the first movie of the Evangelion reboot. I haven't seen it yet but am planing to watch it tonight after I watch No Ordinary Family. Whip it, Lars and the Real Girl, and a disc from series 5 of Doctor Who should be waiting for me once I get home. I've been watching and enjoying How I Met Your Mother.

Reading: Still working on Tales of Mu.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

So I'm going to try to start posting something at least five times a week. To make it easier I've decided to take a page from Alexandra Erin writer of the serial series Tales of MU and create a kind of update form page that I can fill in on the fly so I'm not agonizing over what to write and if I have something else I want to post well that can go at the end or in it's own post. I'm not copying her format exactly. I'm coming up with my own sections to be filled out.

Mood: Fair at the moment. Not feeling depressed but not super happy either. I have been experiencing brief periods of mania over past week.

What did I do yesterday/earlier today: Watched Tv last night. Ate a burrito and bag of Japanese Peanuts. Wrote a little. Slept. Worked this morning.

Writing progress: Last night I managed to sit down and write out most of an outline for an episode/chapter of the project I've been working on. It's been about two weeks I think since I've done any real writing. I'm trying to get back into the writing grove.

Netflixing: Just sent back my last DVDs so stuff is in transit.

Reading: I've started rereading Tales of MU. I had read it up to chapter 345ish but then lost touch with it. It's now up to 478ish and I want to get back into it but I feel like I need a refresher, so I'm starting from the beginning.

And there you have it my first fill in the blank post. I might change the headings later if they don't work out and down here is where I can write stuff that doesn't fit in the above headings.

That's all for now,

Thursday, January 6, 2011

New Years Update

So yeah this is a little late in coming.*shrugs*

New Year's Eve I moved into my new apartment and spent the last night of 2010 there. I woke up in 2011 in my new apartment alone except for my cat. As I said in a previous post this is my first time living alone. Yeah I'm almost thirty and I've never lived alone. So far it's been fine. It's not like I've never been alone before but those times have always been short periods of time that end with me not being alone again. Now I'm facing an unending period of my life alone. Gezz that sounds like I'm sinking into depression but I'm not. The last week has been very much depression free. I think it may be because I'm focused on living alone and dealing with that. I may just be going through a general upswing in mood. Lately I've been distracted by another issue that I won't mention here from posting and writing in general. If you really want to know about it leave a comment and I'll reply.

On the subject of writing. I've been in a bit of a rut. Partly because I haven't been able to talk to my writing partner as much and partly because I let myself slide on writing everyday. I'm going to start working on getting back into practice writing every day no matter what. It's a habit I need to cultivate if I'm going to really be a writer.

On the subject of my transition. It's been about two years since I came out to my sister. That moment is a dividing line in my mind from when I was still questioning whether or not I was transgender and when I really accepted that I am transgender. Since that event I've made a few baby steps toward transition. I've been on HRT on and off during this time. I had one laser hair removal treatment. I came out to a few friends. But in the end I feel like I've almost been spinning my wheels. The last two New Years I've made the same resolution: make some progress on my transition. I'm making a different resolution this year. It's less a resolution and more a goal: Start laser treatments. Last time I started them I had to stop when I quit my job and then the place had shut down when I could afford them. I'm not sure how I'm going to afford them but I will.

Where is this determination coming from? Well you see I had a dream and in this dream I shot myself in the head with a shotgun because something was wrong with my life in the dream. There was more to it but that's the gist of it. I thought about it for a couple of days and realized that it was a warning from my subconscious that I needed to take action in my life or I might end up taking the permanent solution for a temporary problem.

I'm doing other things that don't need to be stated as goals like getting over my fear of shopping for women's clothes or wearing women's shirts around the house and out of it or getting back on HRT.

You know a lot has happened in the past two years. I've grown my hair out, cut and donated it, let it grow out, cut and donated it again that time very short, and now letting it grow out again. I quit one job, start at another and quit it as well, found another job, got promoted, got salaried, got volunteered to run the place for a short while, got a new manager, got fired, got hired back at the place I first quit from. I made friends, good friends. I found a best friend and writing partner. I realized I'm asexual.

This is getting a little rambling so I'm going to end it here. Till next time, which will be soon I think.