1-26-11

I feel terrible. My head hurts and I'm hungry and thirsty because I've not eaten or drunk anything for about six hours after eating a small lunch. I'm in the middle of a fairly bad depressive episode. I've been reading the internet for most of those six hours to distract myself. It's a weird habit I have to block out how I bad I feel by immersing myself in readings blogs. It works to a degree but doesn't really make my feel better and some times backs fires when I run into news of bad stuff happening to people.

Earlier I had the urge to get up, walk out the door, and jump in front of a fast moving truck. I'm still here obviously. I say I don't want to kill myself but what if one day the urge is stronger than my rational thoughts.

I wish some times that I could just stop living. I feel empty inside. Like I'm not a real person. Just some kind of construct pretending to be a person. Some times it just hurts so much to exist that I just want it to stop or I want the pain of living to stop. That sounds so childish but its how I feel.

So thats a little peek at what's going inside my head right now. I'll be better tomorrow hopefully.

Gilly