Are you there for me?

I keep writing blog posts on tumblr and deleting them.  I write about how much pain I'm in and delete the posts because I don't want people to know.  I've hidden myself so long that I don't know how to be open.  People always say, "If you need to talk, I'm here for you."  I'm afraid that if I actually talked to them every time I needed to talk to someone I would become a burden on them.  So, I keep it all inside.

Gilly

Thanksgiving day

So I called my parents to find out for sure that we were getting together with family and they told me they're going out of town tomorrow and coming back Friday.  They invited me to go with them but I said I'd rather just stay in town.  I really wanted to spend sometime with them but not that much time.  I'm still kind of unsure of supportive they are of me.  I feel kind of bad for saying no.  But I need to look after myself and while I know they would pay for everything and not mention it; I don't feel like taking advantage of them like that.  I don't know.

11-23-11

Okay update time.

I quit my job last week.  Last Tuesday I woke up and started crying.  I cried for a few hours until I realized I wouldn't be able to go to work in the state I was in.  So. I called in.  I spent most of the day either crying or recovering from a crying bout.  I did a lot of thinking and decided to quit the next day.  The next day I told my manager I was quitting but I could work the day if he wanted me to.  I worked my shift and left for the last time.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do next.  Right now I'm just trying to take care of myself.  I'm working on writing some stories.  I'm thinking about going back to college.  If I could get financial aid and a part time job it might be feasible.  I might just find a new job but one that I like more than the one I just quit.  I have a little time to decide.  I can afford to wait until mid January to find a job.  Not that I want to wait that long but if it takes that long to find a job I'll be ok.  Beyond then I'm going to be in trouble.  But I'm thinking positive and knowing that it won't come to that.

10-30-11

When drag queens are the focus of the local GLBT organization's Halloween Bash.  When the MC asks where are the gays and where are the lesbians and where are the straights but doesn't mention trans* people.  When the fact that drag queens "look like women but don't have vaginas" is shouted by the MC.  When I am afraid at a GLBT event to use the woman's restroom because I feel like I'll be treated as a "man in a dress".

It's hard for me to express these concerns when there's no one to stand with me.  There's no trans community in my city.  There are other trans people here but we aren't all friends or even acquaintances.  In fact I don't have any local friends who are transgender.

Yesterday I was in a store and I walked into a metal hook.  A woman nearby asked me if I was I ok.  I checked my arm, said yes and walked a short distance away to continue browsing.  After a couple of minutes, the woman came over and the following exchange happened:

"Ma'ma?  It is ma'ma?"

"Yeah, sure why not," I replied a little flippantly not sure where she was going with her question.

"It's just that I called you he but I wasn't really sure.  Is it ma'ma?" suddenly I felt kind of bad because I could see she was being sincere.

"Yes, I prefer ma'ma."

She smiled and said, "Ok."

I think we exchanged a couple more sentences before I walked away.

I talked about this with me roommate.  We also talked about how she had asked me if I wanted her to use feminine pronouns for me.  In both cases I felt accepted by the asker.  Being asked how you want to be referred to is vastly different than being asked what one is.

Are you a man or a woman?  This type of question is meant to put a person into a box, so that the asker doesn't have to wonder what the person they are talking to is.  It excludes anyone not binary identified.  It's also dehumanizing by asking 'what' a person is rather than 'who' they are.

What pronouns do you prefer?  Here no one is excluded because there are no options given in the question.  The point of the question is to learn how a person wishes to be talked about.  It's like a hand palm up outstretched in friendship.  The other question is like a hand held palm out to ward off something.

Gilly

9-30-11

I'm going to be coming out to my family soon on faebook.  Just as soon as I can get up the nerve to call my parents and tell them that I want them to call me by my chosen name and use feminine pronouns.  I want to talk to my parents first because I know that some of my family are going to call me parents when they find out.  Some of my cousins probably know or suspect something.  My coming out to my family is less about letting them know what's up with my gender and more about asking them to call me by MY name and use correct pronouns.

It's just hard coming up with the words to ask my parents to call me by a name they didn't give me and to use feminine pronouns.  Last time I was around them, it sounded like they were using she and her to refer to me but I wasn't sure and it's been the great untalked about thing for so long that I felt a little afraid to say anything.

Part of thinks they'll be like, "Well of course we'll call you Gilly or Gillian and use she and her.  Why wouldn't we?  We love you afterall."  Part of me is afraid they'll be, "No.  We named you and that's your name.  And we're not going to indulge you."  I know that their true reaction lies some where between these two poles.(most likely closer to the first than the second)  But still it's hard to think that I can ask them to do this for me. I'm thinking of writing a letter so I don't have to actually speak to them.

Gilly

9-14-11

Last week I noticed myself taking caffeine pills to counteract depression induced fatigue and to improve my concentration so I didn't lope off a finger at work.  Over the weekend I did some basic research into long term effects of caffeine and side effects.  Basically caffeine not only gives you a shot of energy it also works as an antidepressant.

Which means I've been self medicating for my depression.  I'm not taking caffeine pills on a daily basis; just when I really feel overwhelmed at work by my depression.  I'm concerned about long term effects of taking a larger than normal amount of caffeine in but it helps.  The right dose can turn me from a ball of self hate ready to slice my wrists the next time I pick up a knife to a normal feeling person.  Not overly happy just even kneeled.

Another effect I've noticed is that on days that I take the caffeine; I can write.  I can think about the stories I want to write and make progress on them.  I can world build and character sketch in my head like no one's business.  Other days that I soldier on without I can't.  Its the antidepressant effect that frees more of my mind from just keeping myself from killing that is making it easier to write on those days.

I don't quite know what to do.  On one hand its not entirely health to ingest on a semi regular basis the amounts of caffeine I've been taking.  On the other it makes it possible for me to work on my worst days which have been getting worse and it makes it possible for me to write.  This being able to write to dream of other places while awake is what makes it so hard to say that I should stop.

Gilly

9-10-11

Been a little while so here's a quick update on my life:

I was denied services from the local mental health org.  Basically I'm to functional to be considered in need of help despite feeling like I need help to prevent myself from becoming dysfunctional.  I have the option to appeal which I'm going to take.

The last few days have been especially bad.  I've woken up and started crying three days this week.  I've been getting plenty of sleep but still feel tired and sluggish.  I've been taking caffeine pills to counteract this.  It's not an ideal solution but it works.  I'm only taking them if I really need them like when I'm in emotional overload and can't focus on work.

Monday I hit a metal shelf at work with the back of my left hand.  On purpose.  The pain helped me reset my thoughts to less depressing topics.  I continued to press, poke and flex my hand for similar effect for a couple of days until I realized doing so was a form of self-harm.  Self-harm along with drinking or doing drugs while depressed are on my blacklist of behaviors so I stopped.

Ok one last thing that is not depressing:  So at work my name-tag says Gil which everyone assumes is short for my birth name which you should be able to figure out.  It's really short for Gillian my chosen name.  Also I prefer to be called Gilly.

Today a new employee asked me, "What's Gil short for?  Gillian?"  Now I'm not out at work and I don't pass as a woman.  I was speechless.  Part of me so wanted to say yes but because I'm not out I felt like I couldn't or shouldn't.  Instead I said, "Its complicated."  Not the answer I wanted to give but the best answer I felt comfortable giving.

That's all I got tonight,
Gilly