Tuesday, October 27, 2009

New hire/transgender issues

I'm back online after being cut off from my digital world due to a damaged phone jack. I've had a new one installed in a place where it is much less likely to be damaged. I'm still using my Wii to post but I have gotten a usb keyboard to type with.

The last couple of weeks were spent training the manager and assistant manager for the new pretzel store my company is opening in the next few weeks. I had a great time mainly due to the two to them being great people to work with and to teach.

This week I am again training someone but not for another store. This guy is not the first person that has been hired for my store but he is the first that I have personally hired. I've work with him before at a previous job so I wasn't just hiring blindly from an aplication. I've had one day with him so far and I think he's going to work out great.

I'm feeling more depressed lately about not coming out at work and in general life. Yesterday a man asked me what Gil was short for. He was ofcourse refering to my name tag. I hesitated and he went on to suggest some possible names, "Gillian, Gilligan, 'Jillian'" and a couple more female names. I was mildly stunned and was vague and didn't confirm anything.

I hesitated becaue I didn't want to say 'his' name(I've stated thinking of it as his name rather then my name, which is probably not a very mentally healthy thing to do). I cringe inside when my coworkers call me by his name. This is rare as they all call me Gil or Gilly, which I know is short for his name but it's also short for the name I've chosen for myself, Gillian.

My new hire saw my transgender symbol necklace and asked about it. I was able to deflect his question and change the subject but part of me wishes I didn't have to. I wish I could make this big issue a nonissue. I could by coming out. However (I've said it before and I may say it a hundred more times before I stop believing it), I'm afraid I'll lose everything. I'm afraid that my life is a card house and my coming out would be like a gust wind scattering it into disarray.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Another update brought to you by the Wii

Still haven't got a usb keyboard but pointing at letters is not as bad as using a thumbstick at least in my opinion.

News item - I got a cat or to be more accurate she found me last week on my way to wash clothes. She just came out of nowhere and started meowing loudly while following me. When I saw her blindly run across the street yo follow me, I knew I either had to take her home or well, at that point I couldn't see an alternative.

I decided to name her Pia, which is short for pain in ass. She has lived up to her in the past week. She cries alot when I'm not around, which is to be expected what with her being in a new place. She does stop if someone is around but does start up again when she sees me come in the room.

Thought item - Wednesday will mark one year at my current job. I should be making this post then but I will probably not feel like doing it then.

One year ago I was just about to run out of money after taking a month long 'vaction' after quitting my previous job, which paid well but was also stressing me out to the point of having panic attacks. So I set out to find a job and lucked out and got hired my first day job hunting.

Now one year later I'm the assistant manager to the store, I'm a salaried employee, I'm in charge of the pretzel shop the company added to the cookie store, this week I'm training two people to run a second pretzel shop in another city and next month I will be there to help them open it.

I feel like so much good stuff has happened jobwise for me but on a personal level I feel like I've been standing still. I've formed strong bonds with the people that I work with. They feel like family most of the time. But I still have not come out to them. I know I don't have to but doesn't feel right to hide who I am from them. I'm scared that the fear of losing everything I've accomplished in the last year will be for nothing when I'm fired after coming out as trans. I don't know that will happen.

Ok lets try a little positive thinking. Best case senario - I tell my boss and he backs me 100%, I transition and stay working a job Iove and with people I love. It feels like a future that could be if I if I'm brave enough to reach for it.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Posting from wii

So its been awhile since I posted. I had one week of just being too tired to post. One week and a half of being depressed and not feeling like posting. And then my netbook stopped working. I took it back to Best Buy to have it fixed. After three weeks they called me to pick it up. When I got there I was first told that they couldn't fix it but after reading the papers that came back with it and asking a few questions I determined that there was a problem with their parts ordering/repair tracking system. I got a full refund for the netbook and the service plan I had bought for it.

There wasn`t another netbook there that Iliked so I held onto the money over the weekend before deciding to buy a wii.

Quite a bit has happened in the last few weeks but it is really slow typing this one letter at a time. Expect a longer post when I get a usb keyboard in the next few days.