9-14-11

Last week I noticed myself taking caffeine pills to counteract depression induced fatigue and to improve my concentration so I didn't lope off a finger at work.  Over the weekend I did some basic research into long term effects of caffeine and side effects.  Basically caffeine not only gives you a shot of energy it also works as an antidepressant.

Which means I've been self medicating for my depression.  I'm not taking caffeine pills on a daily basis; just when I really feel overwhelmed at work by my depression.  I'm concerned about long term effects of taking a larger than normal amount of caffeine in but it helps.  The right dose can turn me from a ball of self hate ready to slice my wrists the next time I pick up a knife to a normal feeling person.  Not overly happy just even kneeled.

Another effect I've noticed is that on days that I take the caffeine; I can write.  I can think about the stories I want to write and make progress on them.  I can world build and character sketch in my head like no one's business.  Other days that I soldier on without I can't.  Its the antidepressant effect that frees more of my mind from just keeping myself from killing that is making it easier to write on those days.

I don't quite know what to do.  On one hand its not entirely health to ingest on a semi regular basis the amounts of caffeine I've been taking.  On the other it makes it possible for me to work on my worst days which have been getting worse and it makes it possible for me to write.  This being able to write to dream of other places while awake is what makes it so hard to say that I should stop.

Gilly