Real life writes the plot

Ok basically next month is going to be nothing like I thought it was going to be like. First off I'll now living alone. My sister has moved out. She told me yesterday morning. I don't really mind being alone but I was kind of depending on her for rent and half the bills. She lost her job about a month ago an my job doesn't pay a whole lot so we've been falling behind on bills and rent. Now that she's moved out I'm really in a bind with the bills and rent. Now it may seem like my sister has screwed me over but the bigger picture is hard to explain without writing several pages about my our lives so just believe me when I say I'm not mad at her.

Second I'm not going to be able to do Nanowrimo. I really wanted to try this year but with this going on I don't think I can face up to a brand new project. I will keep writing the stuff I've been working on.

My light bill is over due but if they hold off until Friday I can catch it up. Rent wise I'm up the creek with no paddle. I figure the landlord won't evict me until sometime in November hopefully not until the end.

Yesterday afternoon I went to my old workplace to see some friends. While there I asked if they knew of any cheap apartments which led to me explaining everything. That's when F said that he, M(the guy I've been working with on that series and my best friend) and another guy that I know but not too well have been planning on renting a house together and if I wanted I could join them and lower the amount everyone has to pay.

So now I'm looking for a house we can rent. F has said that they can have money saved up by the end of November to pay for first months rent and the deposit. I gathered that they hadn't planned on finding a place until around January but because of my precarious situation he's pushing the others to do it sooner.

It's weird the way life can work out. Monday morning I thought I was facing homelessness. By that evening I had been invited into a new home made with friends. It's not a perfect solution there's still a chance my light could get cut off early or I could get evicted before we find a place or save enough for rent and deposit. Despite this possible disasters I can't feel too worried about them cause at the other end is home.

Moving Update 6

Even with my dad cosigning on the lease I was not approved for an apartment at the complex I wanted to get into. This happened Monday but this plus a depressive episode as kept me from posting. It's gotten bad enough that my boss mentioned that I seemed out of it the past couple of days. I was originally denied due to bad credit and this time because of my criminal background(I've been arrested once). All day Monday I kept thinking about how those actions that led to my having bad credit and a criminal record are actions that I would not take now. I've grown since then into a responsible person but that doesn't seem to matter. All that seems to matter is that I once was irresponsible and stupid.

I'm not giving up on finding an apartment. This is merely a bump on the road not a roadblock.

Moving Update 5

I got a call Friday morning from the woman who has been handling my apartment application. She told me that I had been denied based on my credit. She suggested I could get someone to co-sign the lease. I made a call to my parents and after a little discussion they agreed to help me out. There is still a chance that they could be denied but I feel like I've the one big hurdle and everything will work out from here on out.

When I found out I was denied, my mood fell from happy/excited to crushed/wants to give up. I felt this way all morning. It was a random act of kindness that broke me out of it. While leaving my bank after depositing my check, a woman and a young boy like four or five years old were walking out in front of me. I was about ten feet behind them but the boy stopped to hold the door open for me. It was a small gesture but it was a nice moment in an otherwise sucky morning.

Moving Update 4

I got the call this morning that a one bedroom was available to rent. I've paid the application fee and put down the deposit. They faxed an employment verification form to my manager which he didn't get to until after they had closed for the night so I should hear back from them tomorrow. I feel very optimistic.

Moving Update 3

I found this comic to be very funny and relevant to current events in my life.

I went by the leasing office for the apartment complex I want to move to and filled out an application. Before I filled it out I was informed that all of the apartments of the floor plan I wanted were rented out. The complex has five floor plans, three one bedroom plans and two two bedroom plans. Each plan is bigger than the one before it and a little more expensive of course. The all the one bedroom apartments had applications pending for them but there one of the smaller two bedrooms available.

After some quick mental math I decided I could afford the two bedroom and went ahead with the application. There's still a chance that I might a one bedroom if someone's credit comes back really bad.

I could have waited another month and a one bedroom would probably have come up available but I've already said I want to move by the end of this month. If I put it off, it would feel like I was taking a step backwards. This is like the next big step in my journey through life and I don't want to wait any longer than I need to.

Moving Update part 2/Doritos Tacos at Midnite review

So due to the webcomic archive binge(Full Frontal Nerdity, Today Nothing Happened, and Permanatly Seated) I went to sleep around 5 am last night. I woke up around 2 pm but then I realized I had no nice clean clothes so I stuffed my big duffel full and walked to the laundromat. I got my ussal treat on the way, a large cup of cucumber and cantaloupe covered with lime and chile powder. This is something I'm going to miss once I move. I may have to start making it myself (thinks about slicing fruits and vegetables up). It shouldn't be too hard.

While I was washing my clothes I walked across the street to get a snack from the gas station. This is also part of my clothes washing routin. Ussally I get a hotdog, a bag of chips and a soda but today I decided to skip the dog and just get chips. As I entered the chip aisle I saw a new flavor of Doritos called Tacos at Midnite. The bag looked a little weird and when I looked it over I saw it had one of those symbols that you show to your webcam at the site the bag says to and in the image of you holding the bag the site inserts something over the bag and you can like turn it and move it by just moving the bag. I've always wanted to try that so I bought the chips.

Now, I like Doritos and not just the regular nacho or ranch flavors, so believe me when I tell you these chips did not taste as good as other Doritos I have eaten. I ate about half the bag and just could not convince myself to finish them. Normally if I pay for some food item I will finish it even if it isn't as good as I thought it would be. So for me to say I could not finish these chips and thew away half the bag is kind of a big deal. I kept the bag cause I did want to try out the webcam/bag thing, which ran very slow and choppy my netbook for some reason. So in the end I didn't get a tasty snack nor did I get a fun interactive web thing out of the Doritos Tacos at Midnite chips bag.

Moving Update

Friday I told my sister I had been thinking about moving out soon. She took it well. So right now the plan is to find an apartment and move out by the start of September. I could probably move out now but I don't want to just yank my part of the bills/rent out from under my sister's feet.

Tomorrow I'm going to look into getting an apartment in this complex near my work. If I can swing an apartment there it will be so sweet. Not only is it close to my work but there's a bank branch office and a supermarket within a ten minute walk. Right I'm a thirty minute bus ride from any one of those. I so want to get in there.

I don't have a lot to move, mostly books and bookcases and my bed. I have other stuff but those are the big items. I've started bringing home collapsed boxes one at a time so that when the day comes all I have to do is tape the bottoms.

Looking around my room I've started trying to imagine how all my stuff is going to fill or not fill my new apartment. My room is cramped with three full size bookcases, a desk with a bookcase over it, a small book case and my bed but I've seen the floor plans for the apartment I want to rent and it's at least three times as large as my room. Its going to be a bit bare until I can get some furnature like a couch or a table or even just a chair. I'm excited by thoughts of buying a set of pots and pans.

Random update

Yesterday something strange but pleasant happened. One of my employees referred to me as she repeatably during the day. It was strange because she hasn't done it before and I'm not out to her as trans but for some reason yesterday she kept saying she. This felt nice even if she did correct herself about half the time. It was kind like a preview of what's to come.

In other news I have decided to move out of the apartment I share with my sister and her kids in Sept. This will give me a month to get everything in order. I've made the decision but haven't told my sister yet. I haven't even told her about my raise yet. I don't know why I haven't.

I told my parents the other day about how I was now working on a salary. They weren't very excited. They expressed concerns that the company might ask me to work a lot of extra hours. I will have to work a minimum of 45 hours a week but I've already been working those kinds of hours so thats not a problem. I think they might be worried that I'm settling for a 'lesser' job. In other words, they think I should be doing something more important.

At one point in my life I might have agreed with them. Lately I've been asking myself, "Are you happy doing the work you are doing?" and the answer is yes. I am happy here doing the work that I do. I know that in the grand scheme of things running a pretzel shop is not very important. But we serve a purpose in the day to day lives of those that come to the mall and those that work in the mall. Until cheap robot workers can be made to take over mundane jobs, like making pretzels, leaving the human race to gaze intently at their navels all day, someone has to do it. And I don't see why it shouldn't be me.

A Step Towards Moving Out

So today I made a couple of phone calls to find out if I owed anything to the light company or the phone company I plan on using if/when I move out on my own.

I haven't had a bill in my name for around five or six years. See about six or seven years ago I had been living with my sister for about two years when we started to get late notices on some of our bills which at the time were in her name. This happened because neither of us was very good at budgeting money at the time. Over the past few years we've both gotten better about it but at the time we were terrible. We were slowly sinking under the weight of these bills that we could not possible pay so we switch everything over to be under my name, which worked for about a year until our bad money habits started to sink us again. We cut some luxuries and with the help of a friend who loaned us his info to put the light back on we started to learn how to not get into binds like that and for the most part we have kept in the black except for those rare time when one of us was jobless.

In the aftermath of our stumblings I was left with some unpaid bills as was my sister. Today when I called I found out that I was remarkable debt free which clears the way toward me living on my own.

I still haven't told my sister that I'm thinking about it. I had told myself I wouldn't take any steps in that direction until I talked to her, specifically that I wouldn't call about any old bills. So now I'm feeling a bit guilty about those calls I made. I know I shouldn't.

I feel like a door has opened but I'm too scared to walk through it. There is really nothing holding me back. I have a good steady job, a healthy savings account to cover moving expenses, deposits, first month's rent and bills. So long as I was approved for an apartment I could move within the week. But really I couldn't yet.

On Wanting To Go Home

I think I really really need to tell my sister I want to move out.

It's hard for me to admit even to myself that I really want to move out but tonight I had a bit of a rough night at work and all I wanted to do was go home, strip, pop the top on a can of soda, sit in a comfy chair and eat sushi with the telly on. Instead I came home, quietly slipped through the living room/sister's bedroom and ate sushi in my room laying on my bed cause I don't have room in my room for a chair. Well I do have room if I don't mind not having room to walk around. I almost walked up to one of the hotels near the highway and got a room instead of coming home. It's very telling to me that I was almost dreading coming home.

About the rough night at work. It wasn't really bad, just I had an employee complaining about another employee and it just ate at me. I should have put a stop to it but I didn't. I tried once to counter her complaints, which I felt were unfounded but she didn't listen to me. I feel like I failed in managing this problem. Later she did something else and I jumped on her a bit about it, more than I should have because of her she had acted earlier. I'm not sure what I should do.

Someone(you know who you are) told me that I should be the kind of manager I would want to be my manager. Still not quite sure but I have a feeling for what I should do.

Plans for tomorrow, ect.

It's my day off. I'd like to spend it at home relaxing, sleeping, reading or catching up with the shows that I have downloaded but not found the time to watch. Instead I will try to be productive with my time.

I will cash my check.
I will get copies of the keys I need to close the store made.
I will return my boss's keys.
I will do these things before noon.
I will get these things done by riding the bus.

At least that's the plan. If all goes according to plan I will be at the mall shortly before the movie theater opens. Of course there isn't anything I want to see except Coraline and I'm not sure I want to spend the slightly inflated price to see it in 3D again. Which leaves me in a bit of a lurch about what to do with the rest of the afternoon. I could just come home but that feels like a disappointing end to a productive morning. I want to do something after all that productivity. Maybe I'll just browse the mall.

Why do I feel the need to 'do' something? Well to be honest I'm starting to feel a depressive episode coming on. I get them about once a month. For a few days I just feel absolutly like nothing matters and everything is wrong with my life. I can see and know that those things are not true but it doesn't help me from feeling that way. I've found if I keep busy with work or doing things outside of the house that I don't feel quite so bad.

Today I felt like walking out of my job because I started feeling this way. The job where:

1. I just got promoted
2. Got a raise
3. Work for two of the nicest people
4. Who also care about doing a good job
5. While also caring about their employees.

I almost walked out because.. I can't even remember what almost set me off. But I didn't. I very carefully thought about all those reasons I just listed for liking my job and kept working.

My crew cleaned up the store and I finished the paperwork fast enough that we walked out two minutes till 10pm. Which is just about as early as humanly possible to get out without cutting any corners. This made me extremely happy and it's been my happy thought for the past four hours.

I've been thinking about moving from living with my sister and her kids to living alone. Not because I don't want to live with them and not because they don't want to live with me. It feels like something that I need to do. Which is probobly one of the worst reasons to do something and yet it's the best reason I can come up with as for why I want to move out on my own. I've started looking but there isn't much in the way of affordable apartments that are also close to bus stops or close to my place of work. In fact the closer I get to my place of work the higher the rent is.

This post has gotten a little long so I'm going to end it here.