I came out to my sister on Aug 8, 2007. At the time I wasn't blogging but I did write a message to a friend about what happened that night. I was afraid that I had lost the copy of that message but I found it in the saved messages folder. Here it is.
Last night I told my sister I wanted to live as a woman.
I was so scared I couldn't even tell her I wanted to to tell her something. After she got home in evening from work I spent an hour trying to work up the nerve to ask her to come with me on a short drive so we could talk. Finally I wrote a note saying I wanted to talk to her but was still to scared to give it to her. I tacked it to the door frame before I left to wash clothes so she would find it after I left. Then I cried on the way to the laundry. When I got home the note was still up and I thought she had missed it but then she came up behind me and asked if I was ready to go. So instead of just going on a short drive we decided to take our video rentals back. When we got to the rental place I parked my car, turned it off and started to tell her. Coming up with the words to tell her was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. My heart started beating hard and fast and my body start to tremble then to outright shake. I didn't feel I could just blurt out, "I want to live as a woman."
So I started by reminding her of a time when she had told her kids that if they ever felt like they were gay they could go to her and she would be ok with it. Then she had said, "Even if your uncle wanted to be your aunt I'd be ok with it."
Back in the car I asked if she still felt that way and she said yes and asked if I loved a boy. I said, "No the second part." She then told me to just blurt it out. I tried three times getting and far as, "I...," before trailing off. Finally I said "I feel I would prefer to live as a woman." And she said, "Ok, that's fine." I didn't break down then but tears started leaking from my eyes. She stroked my hair and told me it was ok. Then she asked me if this was why I didn't want to cut my hair. I couldn't speak normally only whisper yes and nod my head. She offered to help tell our parents but I want to wait a little while before telling them. She went ahead inside and I stayed in the cry for a few moments to cry off some of the nervous energy.
When I went inside I was still a little nervous that things would now be awkward between us but once I found her and started looking for movies it was almost like it hadn't happened.
When we got home she offered to tell the kids which I wanted to put off but she said the soon the better. So I let her. I don't know what she told them because I hid out in my room. I went to bed soon afterward so I haven't really been around them now that they know.
So that's it. I'm out to my sister and her kids. After spending hour after hour being afraid that she might be angry or upset or in the worst case might ask me to leave, she's fine with it.
The friend I sent this to advised me to save it in a blog so that I could look back and see how far I had come and to know how things had happened. Her advice lead me to begin blogging. However once I did start I forgot about saving this message until now. There are a few more old messages and some very early posts that I want to save so I'll be posting them here and on my LJ for a bit of redundancy.
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