Sunday, May 31, 2009

On Cutting

About a week ago I scrapped my arm on the corner of a brick building. Because I was running at the time I ended up with a couple four inch long scraps and a couple of shorter ones. They scabbed over but a few days ago I scratched and peeled off the scabs cause they were itching. Pale, shiny, rough lines of healing skin. I look at it and I think what if I cut lines from my wrist to my elbow, deep cuts that would scar so my whole arm looked like that. I sudder at the thought that is at once appealing and quite scary. These thoughts have caused me to think back on the days that I used to cut myself.

It has been many years since I cut myself habitually. But less than a year since I did as a one time thing while depressed.

I don't recall the first time I cut. I remember being 18, exploring the internet and coming across a page about people who self injure and I could not fathom why someone would cut themselves. Fast forward two years, to me sharpening my pocket knife and "testing" it on my arm. I was "testing" my knife several times a week before I realized what I was doing. I never cut very deep, just deep enough for some blood and pain. The cuts I made back then didn't scar. I didn't cut for scars I cut to feel something, even physical pain, other than the gapping void I felt in my life.

I don't remember stopping but I most have at some point. There were times that I thought to myself, "This isn't the best thing to do," and vowed to stop but I wouldn't. I couldn't stop until I didn't need to cut anymore. Now when I see a knife my mind flashes to how it would feel to cut myself with it. To watch blood flow and clear my mind of everything except the pain, even just for a little while. This takes less than a second and then I move on but the thought is there.

I'm not feeling depressed right now. I'm much to busy and excited with work stuff to really feel depressed. It's just I don't think I've ever written about this and I've been thinking about it so here it is. Now to bed with me so I can be well rested for tomorrow's ten hour shift.

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