Star Trek

OMGOMGOMG! I just started watching a cam of the new movie and I am blown away. Blown away! Ten minutes into the movie and I have tears streaming down my face. I have no idea how they did that. I've stopped the movie to write this but I'm not sure if I want to restart it or wait until Tuesday when I'm off to see it in the theater.

Hmmmm..thinking...hmmm...ok, I've decided to watch the rest now but still go see it Tuesday.

I hadn't planned to see it at all in the theater. I was going to wait for the DVD and netflix it. If not for this illegal copy I wouldn't have even considered going. So in this case the pirated movie is actually going to make the movie some money it wouldn't have otherwise.

Employee trouble

Today I had two employees not show up for work.

One didn't call in. I left a message on his voice mail but did not get a call back. A no call, no show is usually an automatic dismissal. I know that sometimes things happen so I'm marking him in my mind as a possible fire. Until I find out why he wasn't at work I won't say he is going to be fired.

The other is almost definitely fired. Her story began Friday when she didn't show up to work and had a friend call to tell us she was going out of town. As another my lead said the only time anyone should call into work for you is if you're in the hospital, some exceptions made for extreme illness that does not lead to hospitalization.

This morning she called to tell me she was going to be late cause she was coming from out of town. Six hours later, five hours into her shift she called to tell me she was back in town. I can't remember what exactly I or she said but I do remember getting the feeling that she didn't want to go into work. I thought about it for a second and decided that the team I had at the moment was strong enough to carry through closing, so I told her not to come in.

Now I didn't tell her not to come in because she didn't want to, I told her because right then I didn't want her to come in. If she had just come in I would have let her work the rest of her shift but to call and basicaly ask to skip work isn't acceptable. She was a good employee and coworker but I just don't see how she can come back from this.

On Cutting

About a week ago I scrapped my arm on the corner of a brick building. Because I was running at the time I ended up with a couple four inch long scraps and a couple of shorter ones. They scabbed over but a few days ago I scratched and peeled off the scabs cause they were itching. Pale, shiny, rough lines of healing skin. I look at it and I think what if I cut lines from my wrist to my elbow, deep cuts that would scar so my whole arm looked like that. I sudder at the thought that is at once appealing and quite scary. These thoughts have caused me to think back on the days that I used to cut myself.

It has been many years since I cut myself habitually. But less than a year since I did as a one time thing while depressed.

I don't recall the first time I cut. I remember being 18, exploring the internet and coming across a page about people who self injure and I could not fathom why someone would cut themselves. Fast forward two years, to me sharpening my pocket knife and "testing" it on my arm. I was "testing" my knife several times a week before I realized what I was doing. I never cut very deep, just deep enough for some blood and pain. The cuts I made back then didn't scar. I didn't cut for scars I cut to feel something, even physical pain, other than the gapping void I felt in my life.

I don't remember stopping but I most have at some point. There were times that I thought to myself, "This isn't the best thing to do," and vowed to stop but I wouldn't. I couldn't stop until I didn't need to cut anymore. Now when I see a knife my mind flashes to how it would feel to cut myself with it. To watch blood flow and clear my mind of everything except the pain, even just for a little while. This takes less than a second and then I move on but the thought is there.

I'm not feeling depressed right now. I'm much to busy and excited with work stuff to really feel depressed. It's just I don't think I've ever written about this and I've been thinking about it so here it is. Now to bed with me so I can be well rested for tomorrow's ten hour shift.

Heroes: To watch or not to watch...

So I've been debating with myself about whether or not I wanted to keep watching Heroes or if I was just going to give up on it. The current season has already ended but I've only seen the first five episodes of Vol. 4 Fugitives. I can remember during the last volume watching episodes as soon as they downloaded, wishing for the next episode as soon as the current one finished. Now I have a backlog of eight episodes. Thats eight weeks where I didn't feel the need to watch it immediately.

I will admit that the series has not been as good as it's truly spectaular first season but it has remained a fun show. After talking with a co-worker about series, I've decided to finish out Vol. 4 before deciding if I'm going to stay with it. Maybe I'll watch them in marathon while on my training trip, if I have the time that is.

Work Update

Turns out that I will be going alone to Houston to learn how to make pretzels. Our regional manager decided that the cookie store couldn't do without both me and my manager. While I think she is wrong, I understand her not wanting to leave the store with less than half the management team. It hasn't been said but I think the reason I'm going is because I'll be the one actually running the pretzel store. I will have to teach my manager and anyone else that works there how to do everything. Suddenly I see several days of working opening to close until I have a well trained team. I see myself working to exhaustion. I see myself loving every moment.

I feel giddy at the thought of running a store by myself. I know that I'll still be answering to my manager but it's mostly going to be my show. This is something that I have never imagined happening.

Random update

First good news. I will be going with my manager to Houston for four days to learn how to make pretzels. My manager had told me that he was going but he wasn't sure if I was too. Today the regional manager mentioned it and confirmed that I would be going as well.

Ok now some less than good news. I am starting to feel the effects of stopping HRT. I'm feeling emotionally unstable and slightly more depressive. Also my sex drive is returning to pre-HRT levels which I find unpleasant. I might be trading physical health for mental health.

I managed to stave off a good bit of 'day off blues' by getting out of the house yesterday. I cashed my check and then walked to Hastings. I sat and read for a little while until I started getting hungry. So I left Hastings and walked next door to Quiznos and ate a sandwich and cup of soup. Afterwards I rode the bus to Walmart where I hoped to find a new backpack. I like the design of the one I just want one a little bigger. There weren't any of the same type as the one I have but I did find a cheap collapsible 20" duffel bag, which I thought would be good for taking large loads to the laundromat but will also serve me well as a make do suitcase for my upcoming trip. I, also, bought some cat food and kitten food, which I carried home in the duffel. Once home I checked a few things online and then watched a couple of movies before going to sleep.

I've recently realized that I might not like the tv show Heroes any more. I'm about 20 episodes behind and really don't feel the urge to get caught up. I'm a little saddened to think the show is no longer interesting to me.

In Which I Vent About My Day

Title pretty much says it all. I would like to note that I was laying on my back while recording this cause the only light in my room is the one affixed to the celling so the best way to avoid a dark video is to lay down on my bed so the light can shine on my face. I guess I should think about getting a lamp or something. Also the program I used to capture this totally messed up the video/audio sync and it was hell trying to convert it into something my editing program could use so I'm on the look out for a good free video capture program that is user friendly.

Stopping HRT for now

Stopping HRT

I have decided to stop taking the hormones I have self prescribed. I feel foolish for not having stopped sooner. Since I started noticing that I was frequently fatigued for no reason, had occasional lightheaded moments and see spots most times I stand up, I have not once considered that the hormones I was taking might be to blame. I'm still not convinced they are but it'll be one less variable for any doctor to consider.

My plan is after my insurance kicks in, I will go to see a doctor about the fatigue, lightheadedness, and seeing spots most times I stand up. Once that is under control or concurrent with that treatment I want to begin the process of transitioning under medical supervision.

As always I'm worried that my job will be forfeit but not really. I'm feeling a bit of job security lately as I grow into my new manager role. I honestly think I will have little to no problems with my manager or regional manager when(Yes, when not if. I can no longer deny that I need to transition for my own sanity.) I transition.

On Wanting To Go Home

I think I really really need to tell my sister I want to move out.

It's hard for me to admit even to myself that I really want to move out but tonight I had a bit of a rough night at work and all I wanted to do was go home, strip, pop the top on a can of soda, sit in a comfy chair and eat sushi with the telly on. Instead I came home, quietly slipped through the living room/sister's bedroom and ate sushi in my room laying on my bed cause I don't have room in my room for a chair. Well I do have room if I don't mind not having room to walk around. I almost walked up to one of the hotels near the highway and got a room instead of coming home. It's very telling to me that I was almost dreading coming home.

About the rough night at work. It wasn't really bad, just I had an employee complaining about another employee and it just ate at me. I should have put a stop to it but I didn't. I tried once to counter her complaints, which I felt were unfounded but she didn't listen to me. I feel like I failed in managing this problem. Later she did something else and I jumped on her a bit about it, more than I should have because of her she had acted earlier. I'm not sure what I should do.

Someone(you know who you are) told me that I should be the kind of manager I would want to be my manager. Still not quite sure but I have a feeling for what I should do.

Health insurance/depression update

Ok I've had one of those weird brain spasms where that thing that made no sense, now makes sense. So I've decide to get the insurance through my work. I'm going to be getting the plan that costs less per month but has the higher deductible.

I have been wondering how I will deal with going to the doctor for my current health problems. Specifically am I going to tell him I'm transgender and selfmedicating? Of course I absolutely should tell him but I don't know if I will be able to. I mean I don't know if I will be able to work up the courage to tell a complete stranger things that I have largely kept hidden. A thought just popped into my head that I could write a short letter and hand it to him. While still scary it would be less difficult for me to hand over a piece of paper than to say it out loud.

In other news I am feeling shitty. I have this ever persent feeling that things are going horrible wrong in my life. When I stop and take stock I find nothing to worry about, this does not rid me of the feeling. I'm forcing myself to keep moving forward.

Closing this off here. I need to get up early tomorrow so I can take my netbook back to where I bought it and see if they can do anything about the fact my speakers have stopped working.

From 8-8-07 coming out to my sister

I came out to my sister on Aug 8, 2007. At the time I wasn't blogging but I did write a message to a friend about what happened that night. I was afraid that I had lost the copy of that message but I found it in the saved messages folder. Here it is.

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Last night I told my sister I wanted to live as a woman.

I was so scared I couldn't even tell her I wanted to to tell her something. After she got home in evening from work I spent an hour trying to work up the nerve to ask her to come with me on a short drive so we could talk. Finally I wrote a note saying I wanted to talk to her but was still to scared to give it to her. I tacked it to the door frame before I left to wash clothes so she would find it after I left. Then I cried on the way to the laundry. When I got home the note was still up and I thought she had missed it but then she came up behind me and asked if I was ready to go. So instead of just going on a short drive we decided to take our video rentals back. When we got to the rental place I parked my car, turned it off and started to tell her. Coming up with the words to tell her was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. My heart started beating hard and fast and my body start to tremble then to outright shake. I didn't feel I could just blurt out, "I want to live as a woman."

So I started by reminding her of a time when she had told her kids that if they ever felt like they were gay they could go to her and she would be ok with it. Then she had said, "Even if your uncle wanted to be your aunt I'd be ok with it."

Back in the car I asked if she still felt that way and she said yes and asked if I loved a boy. I said, "No the second part." She then told me to just blurt it out. I tried three times getting and far as, "I...," before trailing off. Finally I said "I feel I would prefer to live as a woman." And she said, "Ok, that's fine." I didn't break down then but tears started leaking from my eyes. She stroked my hair and told me it was ok. Then she asked me if this was why I didn't want to cut my hair. I couldn't speak normally only whisper yes and nod my head. She offered to help tell our parents but I want to wait a little while before telling them. She went ahead inside and I stayed in the cry for a few moments to cry off some of the nervous energy.

When I went inside I was still a little nervous that things would now be awkward between us but once I found her and started looking for movies it was almost like it hadn't happened.

When we got home she offered to tell the kids which I wanted to put off but she said the soon the better. So I let her. I don't know what she told them because I hid out in my room. I went to bed soon afterward so I haven't really been around them now that they know.

So that's it. I'm out to my sister and her kids. After spending hour after hour being afraid that she might be angry or upset or in the worst case might ask me to leave, she's fine with it.

---

The friend I sent this to advised me to save it in a blog so that I could look back and see how far I had come and to know how things had happened. Her advice lead me to begin blogging. However once I did start I forgot about saving this message until now. There are a few more old messages and some very early posts that I want to save so I'll be posting them here and on my LJ for a bit of redundancy.

Health insurance

I am feeling very helpless right now trying to understand how much my health insurance will cover if I get it. I've never had health insurance before so I'm totally clueless. I've been able to find out what most everything means but I'm missing the big picture of how it all fits together and really works. I really need someone to explain it to my like I am a child.

I going to have to ask my manager cause I know he knows about how this stuff works. He gave me a brief run through when he handed me the enrollment forms. I should have asked him then to go over it but I thought I could figure it out on my own later. I can't figure it on my own. I don't have a problem telling him that I have no idea what I'm looking at. So I guess tomorrow I'll be swinging by work to talk to him.

Wierd Dream

Oy, I had a honking huge rambling dream last night.

I help Samual Jackson dressed as his character from Pulp Fiction to find Ghostbusters 2 on DVD. My old boss offered me a piece of pie from a wall of pies in his store. I briefly walked through a world where there were no minorities(got out of there fast). Flew in a biplane with an open canopy and talked about salsa over the roaring wind. Got my period in the middle of a super store like Walmart and had to put on a pad with people wandering by the end of the aisle(really weird part was even though I appeared as a girl and was wearing a dress, I wasn't equipped with female genitalia, so I had to hide that from the woman who tried to help me). Drove north following a GPS to some goal I can't remember but found a job making cat stickers on the way.

The rest is fuzzy incoherent mess.

New Youtube video

So yeah, a while back I made a few videos and put them on Youtube. After I quit from my last job I had to give up my laptop which had the built in webcam I was using to make the videos. Tonight I glanced at the built in webcam in my netbook and though, "Hey I can make new videos." So that's what I did. This is a short video to update the couple of people who might see it about what's happened since my last video. If you read this blog you already know everything I say in the video but you might want to watch just so you can see what I look and sound like. I'm thinking on doing more videos but much more structured than what I've done before.

Incredible News

Yall know how I've been saying how I'm being promoted to assistant manager but not getting a raise in pay to go with the raise in position right away. I've kind of been worried that I would get the run around for weeks or months.

Today my manager told me my promotion and raise had been approved to go through when I take over the pretzel shop. So yay!

Guitar Hero / Work News

I bought Guitar Hero World Tour with a guitar controller. I also picked up Guitar Hero 3 cause it was marked down to $10. So far I've only been playing on easy to reawaken my feeble skills and have been 4 to 5 staring songs. I even managed to play perfectly through "What I've Done" by Linkin' Park on my first try. Truly an awesome moment for me since I've only managed to play one other song perfectly and that was after many attempts and it was the easiest song of Guitar Hero 2.

In other news I stopped by the cookie store to get a drink and had a little chat with my manager. He told me the regional manager had come by and talked to him about what is going to happen when they remodel the store and add the pretzel shop. In a nut shell he'll be manager of both, our current assistant manager will be in charge of the cookie store, I will be promoted to assistant manager and the pretzel shop will be mine. No raise right away but my manager is pressuring them. So here's hoping.

big post

Ah been a few days so I have several things to talk about.

First up is my new MP3 player. I bought a Sansa Fuse with 4 GB which is plenty for me. Besides audio it also does video which is becoming a feature on any player big enough for a screen. The video converter works on avi files which means I could put some tv episodes or movies on it. I don't think I will because for one, it takes a long time for the converter to convert big files and two, I got a small headache watching while watching a twenty minute tv show episode I converted.

A few hard drive moves ago I lost all my music, about 4 gigs of songs. So I have nothing to put on it except for podcasts which is working out very well. I have three or four podcasts that my feed reader auto downloads for me. I've been letting them pile up because the only way for my to listen to them before now has been through my computer but when I'm at my computer I would rather watch a tv show or catch up on my feeds or just poke around wikipedia. I'm a little sad to say but I can't read a blog and listen to a podcast at the same time without losing some content. And there are some podcasts I really want to devote my entire attention to but when I'm at the computer well I wander. But with my Fuse I can step away from my computer and still listen to my podcasts.

And here's a picture of a Sansa Fuse(BTW mine is red too):



Now on to the package I recently received from Canada.

The package was from Leanne Franson writer/artist of Liliane, Bi-Dyke


Liliane, Bi-Dyke is a comic I found about two weeks ago. Quick disclamer: this comic is LGBT friendly(just to let you know in case the title didn't tip you off). I read through the archive in two nights. In 2006 the author's Saint Benard, Muesili, died which caused me to start bawling my eyes out when I reached those stories inspired by her pain. Why did it hit me so hard? Well, Liliane is based largely on the the author's life which included owning a Saint Bernard named Muesili who had been featured in a few stories. About a year later when she decided to get another dog she put together some very nice comic books from those stories featuring Musili and sold them on her site.

I was cautious in buying them because I wasn't sure she still had any left or that the prices listed were still valid. So I shot her a quick email asking for info and received a reply within minutes telling me she still had some and to go ahead and take advantage of any speacils still up. I ordered two sets of comics and two books of stories that had not been published online.


One set of all three Muesili comics for myself, which I got signed.


The two not online story books.



And one set of the two family friendly comics that I plan to give as a gift to someone(not sure who yet) at some point(not sure when yet).

Moving on to Roleplaying coincidences. Lets see, ok, first my friend Krystal has asked me if I wanted to form a small gaming group or possibly join a group. Soon afterward I began listening to the Penny Arcade/PvP DnD Podcasts on my MP3 player. And while listening to said podcasts, I see Will Wheaton has posted a hand full of links to free roleplaying guides and adventures. Maybe I'm overthinking things but it feels like I am being lead/guided to roleplaying. Not much else to say about that.

Guitar hero woes: I am without a guitar contorller. I lent mine to a family member and it has disappeared they have had said. I don't blame the familiy member. I know the risk in lending out stuff is to never see it again. I have been browsing for a new guitar in stores. I hoped to buy one in a bundle with a new game but could only find them with wireless controllers which I was told would only work with that game and other games in the same series but wired ones would work on both. Now after a quick search I see that Guitar Hero guitars(wired and wireless) also work with Rock Band but not the other way around. If I had known this sooner I would have bought one sooner.

Mother's Day is almost here. Normally a day to spend with family eating BBQ, this Mother's Day I will be at work. It's an unfortante side effect of working at a place that provides a sevice linked to the holidays. Not every holiday but those that involve buying tokens of affection cause a spike in our sales. Judging by the number of cookie cakes we've prerolled we will only be about half as busy as Valintine's day. I'm going to miss seeing my mom for most of the day. I might get to see her for a little while in the evening but I'm not sure.

Oy, I had one more topic but it's nearly 6am and I'm exasted, so it'll get it's own post tomorrow.

See ya.

Teaser post

So I have several things I want to write about but it's kind of late now and I would have to dig around for some links to stuff and I have a small headache from not enough sleep so just teaser for tomorrow when I will have a real post about:

My new mp3 player,
A package I recently received from Canada,
Roleplaying game synergy in my life,
Guitar hero blues,
Mother's Day conflict and
Moving blues.

Till tomorrow, hugs.

I feel broken inside. I cried in the shower this morning. I balled my fists wanting to lash out at something, to hit the walls and scream. I didn't. I just cried and squeazed my nails into my palms hard. I'm depressed. I like to think I'm not but I am. I'm like to think that as long as I don't let it interfere with work then it's not a problem. As long as I'm functional it doesn't matter that I break down crying in the shower for an hour sometimes. That's the lie I tell myself and I believe it.

Sorry for the short downer post but nothing else is coming to mind.