Saturday, March 7, 2009

I have a future now

I've been pondering and thinking and musing about where I am gong in life. It's only been in the last couple of years that I have thought about such things. Only since I let go my blindfold and saw myself truly.

For the six or seven years prior to that I never really thought about what the future held for me. I lived day to day, only vaguely aware of future events that needed my attention, like bill due dates or holidays. It was a horrible way to exist. If you don't care about tomorrow or even want to make it to tomorrow you lose hope. I lost hope. But I kept moving through time, putting one foot in front of the other.

Why? Why didn't I just stop living? Why didn't I just end it all with metal and blood? Because even when I didn't love myself, I loved those around me. My family. My sister. My niece and nephews. My parents. I loved them so much that I hurt thinking about ending it and hurting them. So, I soldiered on. One foot in front of the other, don't think about walking, just think about this step, until I could face my true self and then I loved myself. I still love those around me and draw strength from that love. But I love myself as well and that lets me find inner strength.

I love who I am becoming enough that I'm looking forward and wondering where I am going. I hope it's fun.

1 comment:

  1. You have touched many lives - mine included. I'm overjoyed to read this post. You are very important to me, and you deserve to be loved, especially by yourself.