Mostly Rambling about RotS and Anita Blake

Still feeling a little down but not too bad.

I called my mom and dad yesterday. I really don't call them often enough. It had been about two months since I last called but I saw them in person mid-Oct so it hadn't been that long since we talked. I called because it occurred to me that I didn't know if they knew I wasn't living in the same place anymore. So I called and let them know. When I told Dad he seemed to want to say something when I mentioned staying with friends until I found something more permanent but I interrupted him and changed the subject to how they were doing. They're fine though Dad's arthritis has been acting up due to the changing weather. Mom mentioned that my sister had called them but hadn't mentioned that we weren't living in the same place or that we weren't living together anymore.

I watched Revenge of the Sith again last night. Meh. It's still the best of the prequels but still doesn't come close to the greatness of the OT. How would I fix the prequels? I sometime think about finding copies of the shooting scripts and doing a rewrite but I'm trying to work on my own stuff so not going to happen. The first thing I would do is pull out all that Chosen One crap. The whole "bringing balance to the force" stuff is the main thing weighing down the prequels because it doesn't mesh with the OT. If you watch the movies in numbered order, it gets a lot of talk time in the first three movies and then in the last three no one mentions it. I would make the prequels about Anikin Skywalker, a hot shot pilot who was also a Jedi trained by Obi-Wan. He would just be a Jedi who gets seduced by the dark side and ends up destroying the Jedi order. The most important thing to me would be for Anikin to become Darth Vader in a way that flowed into the OT. Right now as the prequels stand I have a huge disconnect between Anikin and Vader. They just don't feel like the same character to me. I could go on but I think I'm in danger of ranting.

I've started rereading Blue Moon by Laurell K Hamilton. It's the eight book in her Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter series. It's not as good as I remember. I'm not sure why. I think it's because I can see the slide toward more sex based stories. I really liked Anita Blake in the early novels. She was badass killing vamps and raising the dead in her day job. She wasn't falling into everyone's bed and when she started dating a guy he was a stand up guy who wanted to wait before having sex. Then she rejected that guy and went for the guy she had been rejecting from the first book. The began a slow but steady shift from her day job and police side work to vampire politics. This shift also brought with it an increase in sex. Sex is fine if it's there from the start. I read her Merry Gentry books, which had sex in them from the start, and enjoyed the sex in them. I read Anita Blake books for the badass vampire hunter who worked with police on supernatural crimes. That character has mostly stopped existing in the books after the ninth book. Now vampire politics drive the story with lots of sex thrown in. It's not the story I want to read. And I haven't been reading them. I read the tenth book and skimmed the eleventh and just couldn't connect with the story anymore. It's saddens me because I really did like the first nine books. So when I see a new Anita Blake book I want to read it and sometimes I peek inside but it's just so much vampire politics and sex that I just can't get in to it.

Ok I think I've ranted enough about that. Till next time.

Gilly

Quick Update 11-19

My life has settled into a new rhythm. It's been a little less than two weeks but it feels like I've been staying with J and her family for much longer.

Not much has happened lately. I've been feeling a little down but I know why this time. Tomorrow is Transgender Day of Remembrance. All my trans and feminist blogs have something to say about it. In the end I just end up reminded that being trans means I'm more likely to be killed or to kill myself, which feeds my depression. I just read something that said 175 transgender people(that have been reported as transgender) have been killed since last Transgender Day of Remembrance. That works out to almost one every other day.

When I started this blog I launched on TDOR with an article about those killed during the previous year. I tried to find out who they were. I wanted to tell 'their' story not the story of how they died. It took me several days of wading through numerous articles. I cried a lot while reading them. It hurt to read about people who were just living their lives and then they didn't get to anymore because someone else didn't want them to. Last year I was in a really bad place and wasn't even reading a lot of blogs because they were just making me feel worse. This year I thought I would do it again but I couldn't. I opened up a bunch of articles but couldn't bare to read them.

On a different topic I've been watching AMC's The Walking Dead and loving it. I've also been playing the zombie maps in Call of Duty: Black Ops. So I'm getting my daily recommended dose of zombies.

Till next time
Gilly

Just about today

Today I was at work at 8am and got off at 5:30pm. I sliced meat, worked the main cash register and sliced more meat which means I spent most of my day standing in two spots leaning slightly forward causing my back to hurt.

I feel a little down right now. I'm not sure if it's just because I feel so tired or if I'm starting a depressive episode.

I made a small change to the text at the top of the blog. I changed bi-romantic demisexual to pan-romantic asexual. I've been giving a lot of thought to whether or not I am asexual or demisexual. Demisexual means that a person normally does not feel sexual attraction for other people except for when an emotional bond has been established with a person. Asexual means that a person does not feel sexual attraction for other people period. After much thought I realized that I really do not and have not ever felt sexually attracted to anyone. Even right now that I'm crushing hugely on this guy I don't want to have sex with him. I want to cuddle and kiss and touch but sex not at all. Now wait how can you be crushing on a guy if your not sexually attracted to him? you may ask. Well that's where the pan-romantic part comes in. I do want to form relationships with people on a level that is more than just friends but without sex that's the romantic part. I'm also very open to who I might form these relationships with that's the pan part. If you're still confused google asexual and poke around you'll probably find some answers or leave a comment. I haven't gotten a comment on a blog post in a long time so I would totally love one:).

Hmm I'm feeling a little better now that I've written this. A little blog therapy maybe.

Till next time,

Gilly

Weird/bad dreams

The past two nights I've been have very vivid dreams. It's hard to piece together a real narrative because they're just all over the place. I remember doors that you could knock three times on that would then open up on someplace 'else'. Knocking on one door and then another would open both up to the same place in the 'else' so you could create a shortcut through the 'else'. I remember a mechanical fortune telling machine, kind that give out slips of paper, with a skull in it. The others I was with were afraid of it and I didn't like it much either but I thought it might have some answers. I remember a woman my own age or younger who in the dream was my mother but still young because of something to do with the doors. I remember being afraid when the doors developed a way to hide when they were open to the 'else' with some sort of illusion. Until then you could see the 'else' through the open door but with the illusion you couldn't it looked like the door had opened to the next room like normal. That's just the parts that I can turn into words that make sense.

I remember walking into my room, sitting down and feeling depressed. I felt that empty feeling inside, the hopelessness of feeling my world fall apart, the pain of existing. It consumed my mind in the dream. When I woke up I felt confused. I could remember how I felt but I didn't feel that way anymore. Like when you get hurt in a dream and wake up briefly still feeling the pain.

I kind of know where these dreams came from. Some of the images I can remember tie into things that I've been thinking about. The feeling of depression I know is from thinking about how I haven't been feeling depressed during the past three weeks. During the past three weeks that I've been dealing with not having power and the inevitability of my eviction from the apartment I haven't felt depressed. I haven't even felt mildly depressed. Part of that is knowing that there are things going wrong and dealing with them. When everything is great I start feeling that things are going to fall apart again which can cause me to have a depressive episode. When nothing is going wrong, there's nothing I can do to feel like I'm 'dealing' with what is wrong so the feeling stays. When things are going wrong I can do something, which makes me feel more in control and thus better.

Huh I think I just had a minor epiphany about what causes me to feel depressed.

The dreams a kind of nice cause they could turn into a story if I worked on it but they leave me feeling mentally drained in the morning instead of rested.

That's all for today.

Gilly

What am I doing here?

When I started this blog, I already had a personal online journal on LiveJournal. I wanted to start a new blog a write about important 'issues' but that only lasted about a week and then I was writing about my life again. I wanted to write words that had meaning and weight behind them but all I ever seemed to write about was my own unimportant life.

And you know what; I'm okay with that. I've realized that I'm not a writer of "serious business". I'm a fiction writer. Every time I have ever sat down and tried to write something factual I failed. But I can sit down and spin a story easily; maybe not the best story but the page won't be blank when I'm done. I'm not quitting this blog. I'm accepting it for what it is; the story of my life. I'm still an Infowhore and I'm still going to be speaking but I'm not going to worry about trying to find important things to speak about. I'm just going to speak about my life which I'm already doing a lot of anyway I'm just not going to feel bad about it.

To cement this turning point in my thinking about this blog I've changed the description of the blog to:

Welcome to my little blog. I'm here to speak about my life as a geek, nerd, otaku, transgender woman, writer, reader, bi-romantic demisexual person, video gamer, infowhore and most importantly as a human being.

Gilly

Update for Tuesday Nov. 9, 2010

This is just a quick update to say that I'm now staying with my friend. She has given me use of a small room in her house for a few weeks until my future roommates and I find a place. It's a little uncomfortable for me being in a place where someone else is already living. All the places I've lived in before I moved into them with my sister at the same time so there was never any feeling of being a guest. I recognize that I am a guest but if I'm going to be there for more than a few days I need to start feeling more at home while still being respectful of my hosts.

I had my first hot shower in four months. It was incredible feeling water running over my body that wasn't ice cold. Having real light after dark is also very nice. The real treat has been being able to plug in my laptop and use it for more than the two hours my battery lets me. I'm looking at getting a larger battery for my laptop, one that would give me around ten hours of use time.

Not much else to say at this time. If you missed it below this post is one about what happened Sunday night and my night in a storage unit.

Also I'm switching from the 'homeless?' tag to 'couch surfing' tag during my stay with friends, even through I have an actual bed.

Gilly

Update a day late

I posted Sunday night that I was going to stay one more night and get everything out early the next morning. Well I didn't stay the night in the dark apartment. I just didn't feel safe there anymore. Hearing the landlord's threats about police action kind of fed into my anxiety about staying there and it felt a bit overwhelming, so I packed everything up, took one last shower, and walked out.

I had my messenger bag with netbook and other sundry daily items in it; a large duffel bag full of clothes; a bag about 2/3 the size of the duffel with books, alarm clock, blanket, socks and underwear, and anything else I hadn't packed; a small bag with my shaving cream, shower gel, shampoo, toothbrush, and toothbrush; and finally a trash bag with my cat's litter box, bag of litter, bag of food, water and food bowls, and a jug of water. I think it was a good idea to leave last night because I had totally underestimated how much stuff I had left. If I had moved everything in the morning I would have been wiped for the rest of the morning but because I did it last night I was able to sleep it off and awake fresh.

Which brings me to where I slept last night. I slept in my storage unit. It wasn't too bad. I had my mattress, pillows, and blankets so I was pretty comfy. It only took me a few minutes to clear enough space to lay my mattress down. Then I fixed it up and went to sleep. When I went to sleep the unit didn't feel that cold but during the night the temperature fell off fairly quickly and in the middle of the night I was freezing with only one blanket on me.

A tip for anyone in cold weather: if you feel cold in the middle of the night; get up, find another blanket or two and add them to your bed. There is nothing worse then shivering all night long when you could have just gotten another blanket, which is why I got up, found another blanket in my stuff, added it to my bed, put on a pair of sweat pants and a long sleeve shirt, and went back to sleep feeling much warmer.

The next morning I woke up before my alarm went off. I was a little worried about having over slept because it seemed awfully bright but really I just am not familiar with how bright it gets in there in the morning. I should have gotten up then to get dressed and leave but I decided to wait out my alarm. When I did leave it was full bright out which made me feel kind of conspicuous leaving the unit. I was almost to the front gate when I saw some people across the street. I ducked back between the rows of units and waited for them to leave. When I couldn't see anyone I walked to the front gate. I decided that it would be better to slide under the gate than to possibly attract attention to myself by trying to climb over it. Once I was out I started walking like I hadn't just slipped under the gate.

The worst parts of last night were carrying everything to the storage at once and trying to slip out unseen in the morning. If I were going to stay in the unit for more nights I would probably work on leaving before it got full light out or find another way besides the front gate to get out. Right now it's a little cramped but that's because I have a lot of boxes full of books taking up extra space when they could be on the shelves that are also in the storage. Even if it was still cramped I could get a larger unit for not much more. A uninterrupted power supply could power some decent lights for quite a while. Some blankets on the walls to hide the bleak metal would also double as insulation and help muffle sounds from inside the unit. A small propane stove and I could even cook. To secure the unit at night from intruders would take two hundred pounds of weights attached to the door to make it very hard to lift and an alarm that would trigger if someone did lift the door more than a few inches.

I think about this way too much. ^_^

Gilly

Getting out just in time

Since Friday when the friend I'm going to be staying with called and said that I could move in on Monday I've been counting the days. Tonight is my last night in the dark apartment and tomorrow I move in with her. And not a day too soon. Earlier today I received a call from the landlord which I didn't answer and let go to voice mail. The landlord left a message saying that if he didn't get a call from us he was going to be changing the locks and calling the police on anyone seen in the apartment after that.

I had planned on moving my stuff after I got out of work. I'm now going to be getting up early, moving my remaining stuff to my storage unit which is close to the apartment before going to work and then never going back to the apartment again. After work I'll pop by my storage unit get my stuff and head over to my friend's house.

So I'm leaving just as I am kicked out. It feels like I've dodged a bullet.

As always, I'm going to be fine.

Gilly

Oh on a side note today I borrowed my sister's vehicle to move a few things that didn't get moved last Wednesday. While I was at my storage unit I noticed an outlet near my unit. This discovery makes the possibility of me living in the unit that much more feasible.

Good news today

Ok I was a little hasty in crying foul on the universe. The water has been turned back on. I'm not sure why I turned the faucet on but I'm glad I did. When water started to sputter out and then flow it seemed like a miracle. I quickly turned on the shower and rinsed my hair out before filling the water gallon I bought Sunday night(I wasn't taking any chances). I took a shower that even if the water was cold felt like the best shower I had ever taken.

I talked to my sister who said she got a txt from the landlord asking about the water. She didn't respond but she said that she had heard from those that live next door that he sometimes forgets to pay the bill and the city turns it off. Its a bit disconcerting to think that your water could get turned off on a Sunday but I guess they work seven days a week.

Also Monday, I got my storage unit. It's a 10x10 non-climate controlled. The units are fenced in and access is by a keypad controlled gate. I could totally live there. There's no on-site security and the units are off the main road so there's little passby traffic. When I say live there I really mean sleep there. I wouldn't be spending a lot of time there; just like an hour or two before and after sleeping. There's easily enough room to put my stuff, I really don't have much, on one side and my bed on the other; if I had to I could upgrade to the 10x20. Downsides of living in a storage unit: no electricity, no water and no toilet. Until I got home and found the water back on I was in that situation so it wouldn't be too bad and as I said I wouldn't be spending a lot of time there.

I actually went online to get ideas about how to deal without running water. I found a few guides to living homeless and one blog written by a guy who was homeless for several years but is doing much better now and wanted to share what he had learned. My biggest concern was how I was going to stay clean and good smelling without taking showers. The other night I resorted to using a wet hand towel to wipe off my body. Some ideas that he had were joining a gym to access their showers, sneaking into the showers in the sports center of a college or using the showers at a pool. The gym idea is probably what I would have done. There's a 24 hour one not far from the apartment and it's on the bus routes so it would be easy to get to if I did become homeless. Using the showers at the college while cheaper would require me to investigate how easy it would be to get in what hours they're open and what hours they're least busy.

One other downside is that the gate doesn't have a way for a person to get out. There's a sensor that detects cars when they roll over it on the way out but not people. I would have jump the fence to get out or crawl under the gate. The gate has a pipe running across it's midpoint so it wouldn't be to hard to get out. As long as I left in the morning before it got too late in the no one would see me and if they did I'm not breaking in; I'm leaving after checking my storage. Coming back after dark would present fewer problems as I wouldn't have to hop the fence and as the units are not on a main road there would be little chance of being seen.

I doubt I will need to use any of these options but knowing that I have options makes me feel less stressed about the future.

Gilly

Not so good news

You know I think the universe is just fucking with me now. It feels like it's playing a game of "let's see how much emotional range Gilly can go through in less than a day."

Yesterday I got the good news that I would have a place to stay but not until the 8th. I told myself I could live in the apartment in the dark for a little more than a week, no problem.

Last night I went to refill my cat's water dish, turned the faucet on and nothing happened. The landlord has turned off my water. What really galls me is that it was Sunday which means he must have had the handyman, that is supposed to work on the apartments when something breaks, do it. The same handyman who never got around to fixing the slow draining tub or leaky pipes or running toilet. No, he doesn't have time to fix anything but he can turn off my water on a Sunday!

My overall plans are the same. I'm going today to rent the storage. Wednesday, I'll put all my stuff in storage, that's when F, who has a truck is off, is going to help me move everything. Then I'll stay in the apartment as long as I can or until the 8th and then go to stay with J2(J being one of the other guys I'm moving in with and J2 being the friend who is lettting me stay with her for a little while). Finally once we(FJM) have a place move my stuff out of storage to there.

I'm more and less ok in different ways but overall I'm ok.

Gilly