Friday, November 12, 2010

Weird/bad dreams

The past two nights I've been have very vivid dreams. It's hard to piece together a real narrative because they're just all over the place. I remember doors that you could knock three times on that would then open up on someplace 'else'. Knocking on one door and then another would open both up to the same place in the 'else' so you could create a shortcut through the 'else'. I remember a mechanical fortune telling machine, kind that give out slips of paper, with a skull in it. The others I was with were afraid of it and I didn't like it much either but I thought it might have some answers. I remember a woman my own age or younger who in the dream was my mother but still young because of something to do with the doors. I remember being afraid when the doors developed a way to hide when they were open to the 'else' with some sort of illusion. Until then you could see the 'else' through the open door but with the illusion you couldn't it looked like the door had opened to the next room like normal. That's just the parts that I can turn into words that make sense.

I remember walking into my room, sitting down and feeling depressed. I felt that empty feeling inside, the hopelessness of feeling my world fall apart, the pain of existing. It consumed my mind in the dream. When I woke up I felt confused. I could remember how I felt but I didn't feel that way anymore. Like when you get hurt in a dream and wake up briefly still feeling the pain.

I kind of know where these dreams came from. Some of the images I can remember tie into things that I've been thinking about. The feeling of depression I know is from thinking about how I haven't been feeling depressed during the past three weeks. During the past three weeks that I've been dealing with not having power and the inevitability of my eviction from the apartment I haven't felt depressed. I haven't even felt mildly depressed. Part of that is knowing that there are things going wrong and dealing with them. When everything is great I start feeling that things are going to fall apart again which can cause me to have a depressive episode. When nothing is going wrong, there's nothing I can do to feel like I'm 'dealing' with what is wrong so the feeling stays. When things are going wrong I can do something, which makes me feel more in control and thus better.

Huh I think I just had a minor epiphany about what causes me to feel depressed.

The dreams a kind of nice cause they could turn into a story if I worked on it but they leave me feeling mentally drained in the morning instead of rested.

That's all for today.


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