New hire/transgender issues

I'm back online after being cut off from my digital world due to a damaged phone jack. I've had a new one installed in a place where it is much less likely to be damaged. I'm still using my Wii to post but I have gotten a usb keyboard to type with.

The last couple of weeks were spent training the manager and assistant manager for the new pretzel store my company is opening in the next few weeks. I had a great time mainly due to the two to them being great people to work with and to teach.

This week I am again training someone but not for another store. This guy is not the first person that has been hired for my store but he is the first that I have personally hired. I've work with him before at a previous job so I wasn't just hiring blindly from an aplication. I've had one day with him so far and I think he's going to work out great.

I'm feeling more depressed lately about not coming out at work and in general life. Yesterday a man asked me what Gil was short for. He was ofcourse refering to my name tag. I hesitated and he went on to suggest some possible names, "Gillian, Gilligan, 'Jillian'" and a couple more female names. I was mildly stunned and was vague and didn't confirm anything.

I hesitated becaue I didn't want to say 'his' name(I've stated thinking of it as his name rather then my name, which is probably not a very mentally healthy thing to do). I cringe inside when my coworkers call me by his name. This is rare as they all call me Gil or Gilly, which I know is short for his name but it's also short for the name I've chosen for myself, Gillian.

My new hire saw my transgender symbol necklace and asked about it. I was able to deflect his question and change the subject but part of me wishes I didn't have to. I wish I could make this big issue a nonissue. I could by coming out. However (I've said it before and I may say it a hundred more times before I stop believing it), I'm afraid I'll lose everything. I'm afraid that my life is a card house and my coming out would be like a gust wind scattering it into disarray.

Another update brought to you by the Wii

Still haven't got a usb keyboard but pointing at letters is not as bad as using a thumbstick at least in my opinion.

News item - I got a cat or to be more accurate she found me last week on my way to wash clothes. She just came out of nowhere and started meowing loudly while following me. When I saw her blindly run across the street yo follow me, I knew I either had to take her home or well, at that point I couldn't see an alternative.

I decided to name her Pia, which is short for pain in ass. She has lived up to her in the past week. She cries alot when I'm not around, which is to be expected what with her being in a new place. She does stop if someone is around but does start up again when she sees me come in the room.

Thought item - Wednesday will mark one year at my current job. I should be making this post then but I will probably not feel like doing it then.

One year ago I was just about to run out of money after taking a month long 'vaction' after quitting my previous job, which paid well but was also stressing me out to the point of having panic attacks. So I set out to find a job and lucked out and got hired my first day job hunting.

Now one year later I'm the assistant manager to the store, I'm a salaried employee, I'm in charge of the pretzel shop the company added to the cookie store, this week I'm training two people to run a second pretzel shop in another city and next month I will be there to help them open it.

I feel like so much good stuff has happened jobwise for me but on a personal level I feel like I've been standing still. I've formed strong bonds with the people that I work with. They feel like family most of the time. But I still have not come out to them. I know I don't have to but doesn't feel right to hide who I am from them. I'm scared that the fear of losing everything I've accomplished in the last year will be for nothing when I'm fired after coming out as trans. I don't know that will happen.

Ok lets try a little positive thinking. Best case senario - I tell my boss and he backs me 100%, I transition and stay working a job Iove and with people I love. It feels like a future that could be if I if I'm brave enough to reach for it.

Posting from wii

So its been awhile since I posted. I had one week of just being too tired to post. One week and a half of being depressed and not feeling like posting. And then my netbook stopped working. I took it back to Best Buy to have it fixed. After three weeks they called me to pick it up. When I got there I was first told that they couldn't fix it but after reading the papers that came back with it and asking a few questions I determined that there was a problem with their parts ordering/repair tracking system. I got a full refund for the netbook and the service plan I had bought for it.

There wasn`t another netbook there that Iliked so I held onto the money over the weekend before deciding to buy a wii.

Quite a bit has happened in the last few weeks but it is really slow typing this one letter at a time. Expect a longer post when I get a usb keyboard in the next few days.

Work Update and a small story

School has started. How do I know this? I know this because the mall is like a ghost town. Which means sales are way down which means we've had to scale back our employee's hours a lot. In fact the past two night's I have worked the pretzel shop alone for the last few hours. It's not too bad cause the pretzel shop is connected to the cookie store so I can call across for help if I need it.

The cookie store has also been hit by the return of school. Tonight there were only three of us from 6pm, when I sent the other girl working on my side home, to close (about 9:30pm).

It's likely that we will lose a few employees due to cutting back their hours. My own job is secure as is my pay since I'm working for a set salary.

Storytime: So I was up front at my counter when a couple walked by. I said hello and smiled. They said hello back and said they were just looking and walked past toward the cookie counter. There was no one else nearby so I walked into the back room to get a clean towel. My manager was walking back to the front and as he exited the back he called back to me that I had costumers. I hurried back and heard him say, "Gilly will be right back." I saw it was the couple that had just walked by. The woman then said something to the effect of, "Oh that's ok he..She was just here." I walked up while she was saying this and was standing in front of her when she made the correction. I said nothing about being called 'she.' I think I caught my manager give me a look for not saying anything, out of the corner of my eye.

I like being called she. It feels right. Usually people who call me she "correct" themselves and apologize even though I don't say anything. I'm up in air as to why she corrected herself from he to she. Was it based on my appearance? Did being called Gilly trip her pronoun flag? Did she miss hear Gilly as Lilly? In the end it doesn't really matter but it does makes me wonder.

And then there is the matter of my boss. I've not told him that I'm transgender or that I'm planing on transitioning. I think he might suspect something but he respects personal boundaries and won't say anything unless it effects my job in some way. So ultimately no real change there for now.

Restarting HRT

I've decided to restart HRT. It's been on my mind off and on for the past week. There are numerous reasons for and against restarting HRT. In the end it comes down to me deciding this is what I need to do right now.

I really don't have much more to say. This post is mostly for me to be able to look back and see when I made this decision.

Moving Update 6

Even with my dad cosigning on the lease I was not approved for an apartment at the complex I wanted to get into. This happened Monday but this plus a depressive episode as kept me from posting. It's gotten bad enough that my boss mentioned that I seemed out of it the past couple of days. I was originally denied due to bad credit and this time because of my criminal background(I've been arrested once). All day Monday I kept thinking about how those actions that led to my having bad credit and a criminal record are actions that I would not take now. I've grown since then into a responsible person but that doesn't seem to matter. All that seems to matter is that I once was irresponsible and stupid.

I'm not giving up on finding an apartment. This is merely a bump on the road not a roadblock.

Moving Update 5

I got a call Friday morning from the woman who has been handling my apartment application. She told me that I had been denied based on my credit. She suggested I could get someone to co-sign the lease. I made a call to my parents and after a little discussion they agreed to help me out. There is still a chance that they could be denied but I feel like I've the one big hurdle and everything will work out from here on out.

When I found out I was denied, my mood fell from happy/excited to crushed/wants to give up. I felt this way all morning. It was a random act of kindness that broke me out of it. While leaving my bank after depositing my check, a woman and a young boy like four or five years old were walking out in front of me. I was about ten feet behind them but the boy stopped to hold the door open for me. It was a small gesture but it was a nice moment in an otherwise sucky morning.