1-31-11

Mood: Okay right now. Earlier this morning I was feeling pretty bad. I was zoned out letting my zombie move my body and do my job. A coworker asked if I was alright cause she said I was being very quiet. I had to come back from the back of my mind to talk and lied saying I was fine. After that I was back in my body and was really feeling the empty sucking void that should have been "my sense of worth as a person" so I went to the bathroom and cried for a few minutes silently.

I feel good that I met my goal of five posts in a week even if one was real short from my phone and one was a angst fest.

Happenings: Nothing happened over the weekend. I stayed home and played Borderlands all day on Sunday, my day off.

Writing Progress: Wrote a story outline.

Media: Borderlands.

1-28-11

Slight format change. I've cut down the headers down to just one word and the header Media is going to combine the watching and reading headings.

Mood: I'm feeling better. Not empty anymore. Just kind of tired but that might be from not enough sleep.

Happenings: So Wednesday I was feeling very depressed if you couldn't tell from my depressed raving. It started in the morning and has been ongoing. I left Hasting's shortly after posting that and went to Dollar General to get some kitty litter. I passed a liquor store and thought about buying a bottle of something to help me relax but decided to save my money. While buying the litter I saw some coffee/hot chocolate mugs. Realizing I that I don't have a mug I decided too buy one and a box of hot chocolate mixes. I don't know why but the idea of making hot chocolate when I got home made me feel a little better and the walk to the bus stop in the cool night air helped as well. I made it home without incident, made something to eat, took a shower, made a cup of hot chocolate that I dipped a couple of cookies in, and went to sleep.

Thursday morning I woke up feeling okay. I had the thought that by not eating breakfast I'm putting my blood sugar level in the gutter for the morning, which wasn't helping my depressed state. So I made some toast and put some jelly on it. It didn't really help much if at all. An hour or so after waking up I started to feel the depression taking hold again. I entered a kind of waking sleep mode to keep moving. It's hard to describe but basically, I let the part of my mind that knows how to do my job take over and I just kind of go along for that ride. I'm still there and can do things but mostly its just my body doing things on autopilot.

Lunch in the deli was bearable. After work I made the short post from my phone and went to Gamespot to browse around a bit. I picked up a copy of Borderlands. Also I renewed my discount card and Game Informer subscription now that I have a permanent address. I stopped to talk with my sister for a little while before going by the store to get a few things. I ate a couple of sandwiches for supper. Then I wrote most of this post before popping in Borderlands.

Media: I played borderlands for a few hours before showering and going to bed. I'm enjoying it so far and will right more when I get the chance.

Writing: None.

Gilly

Just a quick post from my phone. Still feeling depressed but not as bad as last night. I'm going straight home from work and getting some r&r. Gilly

1-26-11

I feel terrible. My head hurts and I'm hungry and thirsty because I've not eaten or drunk anything for about six hours after eating a small lunch. I'm in the middle of a fairly bad depressive episode. I've been reading the internet for most of those six hours to distract myself. It's a weird habit I have to block out how I bad I feel by immersing myself in readings blogs. It works to a degree but doesn't really make my feel better and some times backs fires when I run into news of bad stuff happening to people.

Earlier I had the urge to get up, walk out the door, and jump in front of a fast moving truck. I'm still here obviously. I say I don't want to kill myself but what if one day the urge is stronger than my rational thoughts.

I wish some times that I could just stop living. I feel empty inside. Like I'm not a real person. Just some kind of construct pretending to be a person. Some times it just hurts so much to exist that I just want it to stop or I want the pain of living to stop. That sounds so childish but its how I feel.

So thats a little peek at what's going inside my head right now. I'll be better tomorrow hopefully.

Gilly

1-25-11 I wrote something!

So I joined this writing website called Helium. They let you write articles based on titles they suggest. Multiple people can write for the same title and members vote on articles to rank them. The higher your articles rank the more money you get from ad revenue on the site.

I was browsing around the Creative Fiction section and saw the title Anti-Hero. Suddenly I had a story idea, so I opened up the story submit page and wrote it. I banged it out in like thirty to forty minutes but I'm pretty happy with it. I don't really care that it's kind of messy just that I was able to write something. I've barely been able to write anything the past couple of months, so this felt so good.

Mood: Woke up feeling good, started to feel kinda numb after a while at work, got extremely pissed at a customer but I held it in, felt better by the end of my shift, and now feel real good from writing.

Health: Gassiness is gone as is the MID. Will wait two more days before testing self with milk.

What I've been doing: Mostly trying to write.

What I've been watching: I saw The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo last night. Good film but it has some intense scenes that I really would not like to watch too often. Watching it's sequel, The Girl Who Played With Fire tonight or tomorrow.

Writing Progress: See above.

What I'm reading: Tales of MU chapter 7.

Gilly

1-24-11

Mood: Feeling fine. A little emotionally numb but mostly fine.

Health: I've been a little gassy the past few days. Also experienced mild intestinal discomfort. I think this might be due to the addition of milk to my diet. The symptoms started after I bought a half gallon of milk. It's possible that I've become partly lactose intolerant. I'm going to abstain from drinking an more milk for a while and see if things settle back down. Once I'm feeling health, I'll try drinking some milk and see if the gassiness and discomfort comes back. If it does them I'm probably gonna have to swith to soy milk or just give up milk all together. That would be a shame since I actually do like milk.

What I've been doing: Went to a birthday party with my parents Saturday afternoon. Always nice to spend time with them. They had a trash can for my kitchen since I mentioned I needed one. They dropped me off in front of my apt. I kind of wanted them to come up cause the last time they came by my apt was a mess and I wanted them to see that it wasn't always like that. I have been keeping my apt neat except fo that day that they came by but that's my luck for you.

I've always had trouble keeping friends. Mainly its the keeping in touch when I don't see them everyday. It's easy when I work with someone but since I got fired from the cookie store I've felt the bond between me and my best friend/writing partner growing weaker. Facebook has helped some but neither of us is very active on it. I really don't want to lose him as a friend so I'm going to do something that is a little out of character for me. I'm going to ask him if he wants to hang out some time. Doesn't sound like much but for me it's a huge effort to reach out like that. I hope he says yes.

Writing Progress: I've managed a few paragraphs but my muse is running on empty lately.

What I've been watching: Still haven't watched The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. I think it might not be time for me to watch it. That is in the grand scheme of things I'm not 'supposed' to watch it at this time. But I like sticking it to the universe so I'm going to try to make time tonight to watch it.

What I've been reading: Tales of MU chapter 7

1-20-11

Wednesdays post is below this.

Mood: Still feeling better than this weekend and Monday. Almost happy.

What I've been doing: I took about five minutes this morning to do some stretching exercises. Work was... work. I went to the local college's film club meeting. I'm not really in the film club since I'm not a student but I know several of the members so I'm kind of the club groupie. Next month on ground hog's day they are hosting in conjunction with Haven, the college's gay straight alliance, a 'coming out' event. Get it- coming out... ground hog... yeah I thought it was kind of a weak joke too. They will be showing two movies: Rent and The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert in the student center.

What I'm watching: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo tonight.

Writing progress: None.

Reading: Tales of Mu chapter 5.

Gilly

1-19-11

This is Wednesdays post. Thursday's will follow it shortly.

I tried to post this last night from my phone but when I tried to publish it only the title remained and everything else disappeared. It took me over an hour to peck out this post on my phone, which doesn't have a keyboard, but only ten minutes to type it from memory.

Mood: Better. I didn't feel spaced out at work like I have that past few days.

What I've been doing: Looking up stretching exercises. I've noticed a decrease in my range of motion, not a lot but enough that I'm doing something about it before it gets worse.

I had another coworker ask about my necklace. I said it was the transgender symbol and she said, "So does that mean you?" "Yes," I said. "-to female?" she asked. "Yes," I said again. She paused for a second before saying, "So that's why you fit in so good down here." Down here being the to-go area of the deli which is staffed entirely with women and me. She said she knew a classmate of hers had transitioned from female to male.

I felt a little flush while we talked but it also felt good to be honest about who I am. Let me be clear I don't think it's necessary for a trans person to out themselves. For me, a trans woman who is still presenting as a man, it is liberating to tell my coworkers how that I feel like a woman. Everyday is me pretending to be a guy. Pretending that my name doesn't bother me. Pretending that every sir doesn't hurt. Pretending that every if just fine.

What I've been watching: Mythbusters tonight. The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo tomorrow night.

Writing progess: I reread some older stories of mine that stalled out in hopes of finishing them.

What I'm reading: Tales of Mu. There are 485 chapters and I'm kinda taking my time so I'll be reading Tales of Mu for a while. I'm on chapter 5 right now.

Gilly

1-18-11

Mood: Been having a depression/anxiety episode since Friday night. Or maybe the high from getting my own place has worn off. Something like that.

What I've been doing: Friday I didn't go home and watch Lars and the Real Girl. I stayed at Hasting's and really caught up on my feeds and read a bunch of blogs. I ran into a link to a blog claiming "transgenders" bring down "transsexuals". This is such HORSESHIT. It's transphobic and, and just Fuck Them! Sorry but that's the best I can do for a coherent response to that kind of bile. I hate that it gets to me like this. Reading that stuff makes all my doubts and fears go crazy. I wish I was more self-assured. I wish I had more confidence.

Saturday I got through work in a daze and then went home.

Sunday, my day off, I stayed home most of the day. I made sweet rice and ate it while watching Despicable Me. Then I filled my tub up and relaxed in the water for a while. Later I washed my clothes. I watched Lars and the Real Girl before going to bed. It was a good day off.

Monday after work my parents were in the city so I went with them to buy groceries. It was nice to spend time with them. They bought me a dish strainer. They also had a toaster for me but it wasn't new and some sodas.

Today I did something I feel good about. My coworker asked me what my necklace meant. I said it was the symbol for transgender. She asked me what that was and after thinking for a second I said, "It's when a person's gender doesn't match their sex." Which isn't the best definition but it's not terrible. She asked a couple of more questions. In the end she thank me for telling her what it meant. I feel good that I helped inform someone and I didn't brush her off when she asked about my necklace. I've fallen into the habit of doing that lately.

Writing Progress: I worked on chapter 3.

What I've been watching: Lars and the Real Girl and Despicable Me. Will do write ups tomorrow.

Reading: Tales of Mu

1-14-11

So I didn't quite reach five posts this week but it's wasn't due to not wanting to post. I just haven't been near a hotspot the past couple of days, which is the only way I can get online until I save enough to get internet from Virgin Mobile. They have a $40 a month plan for unlimited internet, no contract but you have to buy the usb modem for $99. So I'm saving for that.

Mood: Okay. Lately at work near the end of my shift I've started to feel tired of people. I start to feel like I want to be left alone. During this time I get irritated at things that I know shouldn't irritate me but do at the time. After I get off and sit down for a little while I feel better.

What I've been up to: I watched Evangelion 1.11: You Are (Not) Alone Tuesday night like I said I was going to. It wasn't bad but it is very much a straight remake of the first four or five episodes. There were a few variations in dialog and scene order but nothing new. It was nice to see the new animation but some of the cgi felt tacked on just for show. There is a bit at the very end that comes out of left field and the preview for the next movie really made me want to see it because it looks like it'll be really different from the original series. Which is what I wanted this to be. I wanted the same characters and world but with a different twist to the story. Overall it was a good movie and worth watching if you liked the original series or haven't seen any Evangelion before.

Wednesday I watched Whip It. I loved it. It's a fun movie with great characters. I would say this movie is kind of a mirror to Ice Princess, another movie I love. It's hard for me to talk about this movie because its like my love of this movie is still to new for critical analysis. Give me a week and I'll be back with something.

I hauled a duffel bag and a shopping bag full of of stuff from my storage unit to my apt. It's only six or seven blocks so not really that far. Most of it was DVDs. I also got my comfy shoes, a pair of airwalks that are really comfy but don't really protect against things like gravel so aren't good for walking, a medium sized pot, a bag big of candy I bought right after Halloween for like a two dollars, a some t-shirts, some cds, rabbit ears for my TV, and my tv tray table. You would not believe how nice it is to have some place to set stuff on that isn't my bed. Supper that night was awesome because I didn't have to hold my plate while eating.

I went shopping the other night for groceries. I got a few things that I should be able to turn into several different meals. It is very satisfying to look at my cabinets and see stuff in them and to look in my fridge and see it not empty. It makes me feel very grown up to have food stuffs that aren't microwavable dinners.

Writing Progress: None. I'm going to try to work in an hour a day at least in to my routine.

What I'm watching: Lars and the Real Girl tonight. The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and it's sequel The Girl Who Played with Fire should arrive Monday along with the next disc of Doctor Who series 5.

Reading: I've got the first 15 episodes of Tales of Mu opened in tabs so I can read when I'm at home.

Well that's it for today. I'm going to try to post tomorrow and hopefully next week I'm make my goal of five posts in a week.

Gilly

1-11-11

Mood: Good.

What I did yesterday: I cooked some shells and cheese. This being my second cooked meal in my new apartment. The first was chili dogs. Watched TV most of the night. I think having cable is bad for me cause I end up "looking for something to watch" instead of doing other things like playing video games or writing. When I think about the time spent "looking for something to watch" it feels like wasted time. I'm going to try to cut back on my channel surfing and try to only watch shows I want to watch rather than settling for what's on now.

Writing Progress: Finished the outline I was writing and wrote a few lines of dialog I didn't want to forget. The outline is for a chapter/episode that is a few down in the queue of chapters to be written. I'm having some trouble with the next chapter(ch. 4) but I think if I could get some face time with my BF/WP we could iron it out. I still need to finish writing chapter 3. I was about a third of the way through when I started neglecting my writing. It shouldn't be that hard to finish since I'm really rewriting the script to prose.

What I'm watching(formally Netflixing): I have the first movie of the Evangelion reboot. I haven't seen it yet but am planing to watch it tonight after I watch No Ordinary Family. Whip it, Lars and the Real Girl, and a disc from series 5 of Doctor Who should be waiting for me once I get home. I've been watching and enjoying How I Met Your Mother.

Reading: Still working on Tales of Mu.

So I'm going to try to start posting something at least five times a week. To make it easier I've decided to take a page from Alexandra Erin writer of the serial series Tales of MU and create a kind of update form page that I can fill in on the fly so I'm not agonizing over what to write and if I have something else I want to post well that can go at the end or in it's own post. I'm not copying her format exactly. I'm coming up with my own sections to be filled out.

Mood: Fair at the moment. Not feeling depressed but not super happy either. I have been experiencing brief periods of mania over past week.

What did I do yesterday/earlier today: Watched Tv last night. Ate a burrito and bag of Japanese Peanuts. Wrote a little. Slept. Worked this morning.

Writing progress: Last night I managed to sit down and write out most of an outline for an episode/chapter of the project I've been working on. It's been about two weeks I think since I've done any real writing. I'm trying to get back into the writing grove.

Netflixing: Just sent back my last DVDs so stuff is in transit.

Reading: I've started rereading Tales of MU. I had read it up to chapter 345ish but then lost touch with it. It's now up to 478ish and I want to get back into it but I feel like I need a refresher, so I'm starting from the beginning.

And there you have it my first fill in the blank post. I might change the headings later if they don't work out and down here is where I can write stuff that doesn't fit in the above headings.

That's all for now,
Gilly

New Years Update

So yeah this is a little late in coming.*shrugs*

New Year's Eve I moved into my new apartment and spent the last night of 2010 there. I woke up in 2011 in my new apartment alone except for my cat. As I said in a previous post this is my first time living alone. Yeah I'm almost thirty and I've never lived alone. So far it's been fine. It's not like I've never been alone before but those times have always been short periods of time that end with me not being alone again. Now I'm facing an unending period of my life alone. Gezz that sounds like I'm sinking into depression but I'm not. The last week has been very much depression free. I think it may be because I'm focused on living alone and dealing with that. I may just be going through a general upswing in mood. Lately I've been distracted by another issue that I won't mention here from posting and writing in general. If you really want to know about it leave a comment and I'll reply.

On the subject of writing. I've been in a bit of a rut. Partly because I haven't been able to talk to my writing partner as much and partly because I let myself slide on writing everyday. I'm going to start working on getting back into practice writing every day no matter what. It's a habit I need to cultivate if I'm going to really be a writer.

On the subject of my transition. It's been about two years since I came out to my sister. That moment is a dividing line in my mind from when I was still questioning whether or not I was transgender and when I really accepted that I am transgender. Since that event I've made a few baby steps toward transition. I've been on HRT on and off during this time. I had one laser hair removal treatment. I came out to a few friends. But in the end I feel like I've almost been spinning my wheels. The last two New Years I've made the same resolution: make some progress on my transition. I'm making a different resolution this year. It's less a resolution and more a goal: Start laser treatments. Last time I started them I had to stop when I quit my job and then the place had shut down when I could afford them. I'm not sure how I'm going to afford them but I will.

Where is this determination coming from? Well you see I had a dream and in this dream I shot myself in the head with a shotgun because something was wrong with my life in the dream. There was more to it but that's the gist of it. I thought about it for a couple of days and realized that it was a warning from my subconscious that I needed to take action in my life or I might end up taking the permanent solution for a temporary problem.

I'm doing other things that don't need to be stated as goals like getting over my fear of shopping for women's clothes or wearing women's shirts around the house and out of it or getting back on HRT.

You know a lot has happened in the past two years. I've grown my hair out, cut and donated it, let it grow out, cut and donated it again that time very short, and now letting it grow out again. I quit one job, start at another and quit it as well, found another job, got promoted, got salaried, got volunteered to run the place for a short while, got a new manager, got fired, got hired back at the place I first quit from. I made friends, good friends. I found a best friend and writing partner. I realized I'm asexual.

This is getting a little rambling so I'm going to end it here. Till next time, which will be soon I think.

Gilly