Poetry Corner

Ok so I was trying to write one thing and something entirely different sprang to mind. It has either been a very long time since I posts a poem or the first time I have. I'm a bit too tried to look right now. So with out any more a ado I bring you:


"Sounds of an Author"
by Gillian Gilbert (Gilly) [Last name withheld]


Scribble Scribble Scribble

Note Note Note

Write Plot Write

Plot Write Plot

Read Read Read

Rewrite Rewrite Write

Rewrite Plot Write

Rewrite Write Rewrite

Read

Rewrite Rewrite Write

Write Rewrite Rewrite

Read Read

Rewrite Rewrite Rewrite

Let Story Escape...

[END]

A flash in the dark

Today a woman said to me, "Thank you, sir.. I'm sorry, ma'am." Then she smiled and I smiled back and she walked away with her cookies.

I make note of this cause it feels good when I'm gendered female by others. It feels right. I make note of this because so much of the time I don't feel good and I don't feel right. This is like a flash of light in a dark tunnel reminding me what light looks like.

Someone got fired

No not me. Someone else. At my work. We've been short a few times in the last couple of weeks. Big even amounts. Thursday we were short. When I asked the woman, who I didn't want to think was doing what I thought she was doing, if anything had happened on the short register, she lied to me. I didn't know it was a lie but I felt it. I told me manager what I suspected. She looked over the security footage and found her stealing. So she was fired.

Part of me wants to be proud that I 'solved the mystery.' Part of me wishes I had stayed silent. Part of me wishes I wasn't quite so clever. The woman who was fired was my friend. (And you out there who wants to say if she had been my friend she wouldn't have stolen from the store, well you can just hush up cause sometimes people do things that don't seem very friendlike but still are friends.) But the larger part of me knows that I did what I had to do. As my manager said, "This is why you're the assistant manager." I looked out for the store's best interest. I did my job. I still feel lousy.

checking in

So it's been a bit since I posted. Actuclly it's been a bit since I've been able to finish a post but anyway something happened today that I wanted to relate.

So I'm at work and I'm rolling out cookie cakes for the first time in like forever when I hear someone call out "Ma'am, how much are these?" I look up cause even through I'm nowhere near the front counter I know they are talking to me and when I look up I see that they are looking back at me. I step out from behind the rolling table and walf over to the counter and tell the teenage girl who was calling me the price of what she was pointing to. Her jaw drops and she begins saying, "I'm so sorry I called you ma'am," and variations of such for a couple of minutes. I found her utter horror at her 'mistake' to be quite amusing but did my best to get her to understand that it wasn't a big deal.

But is it a big deal? Gender is 'serious business' for most people. Calling a guy a girl can lead to yelling or even physical violence. I feel like I'm in a state of flux. I can abide being called sir because I haven't made my stand, yet. I do prefer ma'am through. I wonder what the girl would have said if I had said I preferred to be called ma'am?

This brings to mind another incident from a few days ago. A man and his young daughter were watching me make pretzels. As he watch me he was talking to his daughter telling her that I knew what I was doing and to watch me. Throughout all of it he referred to me as she. When I then had to serve him he slipped in a questioning, "sir?" To which I just smiled. Before he walked away he made one more comment to his daughter in which he again called me she.

Right now that seems to be my lot in life. To pass some of the time but only when I'm not talking to the person. I could be upset about this but really I'm not, cause even this is more than I thought I could even have. I've been on this journey for sometime now. Stuck in a holding pattern waiting for the skies to clear. I think it's time to brave to storm.

Enough metaphor for now what do I mean by this? I mean that I'm within a stones throw of telling my boss and everyone at work and in my life that I don't want to hear his name anymore. That I want to be called by my name and referred to as she. I want to say to customers I prefer ma'am. I want to live openly as myself.

I want this so bad but I have to choose it for myself. No one is going to give it to me. I have to take it.

***

Oh yeah and that guy called me at work again. I was busy at the time told him I was and when he asked if I would call later I said I didn't know and hung up. I talked to my sister about his first call and she agreed that him asking me to come over to his house seemed sleazy.

Meet Bits

This is a sketch I did for the animated series I'm working on. Bits is a Latin American cookie god who inhabits a body made of stitched together cookies.

Blog course correction

When I started this blog I had thought I would use it as a place to write "serious stuff." This is part of an early post I wrote in dec. of '08:

Mondays I will be writing about books, movies, tv shows, or video games. This won't be a review based column, more of a "Hey, this something I like and here's why" column.

Wednesday's column will be about trans stuff. From news items of interest to personal updates on my own transition, this is where you'll find it.

For Friday I will have a column similar to Monday's, except it will focus on media found on the web.

I had some plans didn't I. I want to try to get back to what I wanted this blog to be. I'll still be posting about whats going on in my life but I'm going to try to include more posts like the ones I list above. Not on a set schedule like I thought I would.

Anyway just wanted to state this out loud. Move along nothing more to see here.

Go on scoot!

Self-Revelation

Ok so I'm two days late with this post.

Anyways, during the time I was trying to decide whether or not to call the guy who called me at work(see my last entry for full details, also thank you Krystal for your comment it helped me a lot) I started thinking about how I felt about that kind of attention. Did I like it? At first I thought yeah it's nice to be noticed but then I started to think about what that guy had noticed. He had looked at me and based solely on my looks decided to call me at work and try and arrange a meeting. At first while I was still thinking about calling him I thought about asking him for a photo so I could know who he was. Then I started thinking about whether or not we were even compatible. Would he mind I was transgender? What would he say if I told him I wasn't gay but bi? What if he wasn't a geek/nerd?

Seriously that last one worried me the most. And at some point the thought popped into my head what if he just wants sex? And I had to think about that. Did I want to have sex with a semi-random stranger who called me cute? No I did not. My thoughts kept churning and soon I was wondering if I wanted to have sex at all.

Somehow I ended up on the troper tales page for asexuality. I started reading and I found myself identifing with some of the stories there. I found a link to Asexual Visibility and Education Network and did some more reading and well I think you can see where this is headed. I am still reading and examining my own feelings but I think I am asexual.

Now to forestall any blank stares I'm going to do a little explaining, keep in mind I'm still a newbie so you might want to check out AVEN for more complete info.

So What does it mean to be asexual? Well in basic terms it means a person is not sexual attracted to anyone. Sexual attraction being defined as wanting to have sex with another person. This does not preclude romantic feelings for others.

So I am now identifying as bi-romantic(attracted to both sexes but not for sex) transgender asexual. I have more thinking to do and will likely post more in the future.