New Blogging Site

So yeah I haven't been posting here lately.  I've moved to tumblr. Anyone who stills reads this can find me at http://gilly-laughs.tumblr.com/  I tend to reblog more than post personal stuff though.

If you only want to read personal posts go here: http://gilly-laughs.tumblr.com/tagged/personal

Also I've started a second tumblr for my fiction writing here: http://gillian-ybabez.tumblr.com/

Are you there for me?

I keep writing blog posts on tumblr and deleting them.  I write about how much pain I'm in and delete the posts because I don't want people to know.  I've hidden myself so long that I don't know how to be open.  People always say, "If you need to talk, I'm here for you."  I'm afraid that if I actually talked to them every time I needed to talk to someone I would become a burden on them.  So, I keep it all inside.

Gilly

Thanksgiving day

So I called my parents to find out for sure that we were getting together with family and they told me they're going out of town tomorrow and coming back Friday.  They invited me to go with them but I said I'd rather just stay in town.  I really wanted to spend sometime with them but not that much time.  I'm still kind of unsure of supportive they are of me.  I feel kind of bad for saying no.  But I need to look after myself and while I know they would pay for everything and not mention it; I don't feel like taking advantage of them like that.  I don't know.

11-23-11

Okay update time.

I quit my job last week.  Last Tuesday I woke up and started crying.  I cried for a few hours until I realized I wouldn't be able to go to work in the state I was in.  So. I called in.  I spent most of the day either crying or recovering from a crying bout.  I did a lot of thinking and decided to quit the next day.  The next day I told my manager I was quitting but I could work the day if he wanted me to.  I worked my shift and left for the last time.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do next.  Right now I'm just trying to take care of myself.  I'm working on writing some stories.  I'm thinking about going back to college.  If I could get financial aid and a part time job it might be feasible.  I might just find a new job but one that I like more than the one I just quit.  I have a little time to decide.  I can afford to wait until mid January to find a job.  Not that I want to wait that long but if it takes that long to find a job I'll be ok.  Beyond then I'm going to be in trouble.  But I'm thinking positive and knowing that it won't come to that.

10-30-11

When drag queens are the focus of the local GLBT organization's Halloween Bash.  When the MC asks where are the gays and where are the lesbians and where are the straights but doesn't mention trans* people.  When the fact that drag queens "look like women but don't have vaginas" is shouted by the MC.  When I am afraid at a GLBT event to use the woman's restroom because I feel like I'll be treated as a "man in a dress".

It's hard for me to express these concerns when there's no one to stand with me.  There's no trans community in my city.  There are other trans people here but we aren't all friends or even acquaintances.  In fact I don't have any local friends who are transgender.

Yesterday I was in a store and I walked into a metal hook.  A woman nearby asked me if I was I ok.  I checked my arm, said yes and walked a short distance away to continue browsing.  After a couple of minutes, the woman came over and the following exchange happened:

"Ma'ma?  It is ma'ma?"

"Yeah, sure why not," I replied a little flippantly not sure where she was going with her question.

"It's just that I called you he but I wasn't really sure.  Is it ma'ma?" suddenly I felt kind of bad because I could see she was being sincere.

"Yes, I prefer ma'ma."

She smiled and said, "Ok."

I think we exchanged a couple more sentences before I walked away.

I talked about this with me roommate.  We also talked about how she had asked me if I wanted her to use feminine pronouns for me.  In both cases I felt accepted by the asker.  Being asked how you want to be referred to is vastly different than being asked what one is.

Are you a man or a woman?  This type of question is meant to put a person into a box, so that the asker doesn't have to wonder what the person they are talking to is.  It excludes anyone not binary identified.  It's also dehumanizing by asking 'what' a person is rather than 'who' they are.

What pronouns do you prefer?  Here no one is excluded because there are no options given in the question.  The point of the question is to learn how a person wishes to be talked about.  It's like a hand palm up outstretched in friendship.  The other question is like a hand held palm out to ward off something.

Gilly

9-30-11

I'm going to be coming out to my family soon on faebook.  Just as soon as I can get up the nerve to call my parents and tell them that I want them to call me by my chosen name and use feminine pronouns.  I want to talk to my parents first because I know that some of my family are going to call me parents when they find out.  Some of my cousins probably know or suspect something.  My coming out to my family is less about letting them know what's up with my gender and more about asking them to call me by MY name and use correct pronouns.

It's just hard coming up with the words to ask my parents to call me by a name they didn't give me and to use feminine pronouns.  Last time I was around them, it sounded like they were using she and her to refer to me but I wasn't sure and it's been the great untalked about thing for so long that I felt a little afraid to say anything.

Part of thinks they'll be like, "Well of course we'll call you Gilly or Gillian and use she and her.  Why wouldn't we?  We love you afterall."  Part of me is afraid they'll be, "No.  We named you and that's your name.  And we're not going to indulge you."  I know that their true reaction lies some where between these two poles.(most likely closer to the first than the second)  But still it's hard to think that I can ask them to do this for me. I'm thinking of writing a letter so I don't have to actually speak to them.

Gilly

9-14-11

Last week I noticed myself taking caffeine pills to counteract depression induced fatigue and to improve my concentration so I didn't lope off a finger at work.  Over the weekend I did some basic research into long term effects of caffeine and side effects.  Basically caffeine not only gives you a shot of energy it also works as an antidepressant.

Which means I've been self medicating for my depression.  I'm not taking caffeine pills on a daily basis; just when I really feel overwhelmed at work by my depression.  I'm concerned about long term effects of taking a larger than normal amount of caffeine in but it helps.  The right dose can turn me from a ball of self hate ready to slice my wrists the next time I pick up a knife to a normal feeling person.  Not overly happy just even kneeled.

Another effect I've noticed is that on days that I take the caffeine; I can write.  I can think about the stories I want to write and make progress on them.  I can world build and character sketch in my head like no one's business.  Other days that I soldier on without I can't.  Its the antidepressant effect that frees more of my mind from just keeping myself from killing that is making it easier to write on those days.

I don't quite know what to do.  On one hand its not entirely health to ingest on a semi regular basis the amounts of caffeine I've been taking.  On the other it makes it possible for me to work on my worst days which have been getting worse and it makes it possible for me to write.  This being able to write to dream of other places while awake is what makes it so hard to say that I should stop.

Gilly

9-10-11

Been a little while so here's a quick update on my life:

I was denied services from the local mental health org.  Basically I'm to functional to be considered in need of help despite feeling like I need help to prevent myself from becoming dysfunctional.  I have the option to appeal which I'm going to take.

The last few days have been especially bad.  I've woken up and started crying three days this week.  I've been getting plenty of sleep but still feel tired and sluggish.  I've been taking caffeine pills to counteract this.  It's not an ideal solution but it works.  I'm only taking them if I really need them like when I'm in emotional overload and can't focus on work.

Monday I hit a metal shelf at work with the back of my left hand.  On purpose.  The pain helped me reset my thoughts to less depressing topics.  I continued to press, poke and flex my hand for similar effect for a couple of days until I realized doing so was a form of self-harm.  Self-harm along with drinking or doing drugs while depressed are on my blacklist of behaviors so I stopped.

Ok one last thing that is not depressing:  So at work my name-tag says Gil which everyone assumes is short for my birth name which you should be able to figure out.  It's really short for Gillian my chosen name.  Also I prefer to be called Gilly.

Today a new employee asked me, "What's Gil short for?  Gillian?"  Now I'm not out at work and I don't pass as a woman.  I was speechless.  Part of me so wanted to say yes but because I'm not out I felt like I couldn't or shouldn't.  Instead I said, "Its complicated."  Not the answer I wanted to give but the best answer I felt comfortable giving.

That's all I got tonight,
Gilly

8-23-11

I went back to the Gulf Bend Center for my diagnostic/financial evaluation.  

Good news: I make so little money that my max monthly payment would be $0.  

Bad news: the guy I talked to didn’t seem to have any knowledge of trans* stuff.  Despite not knowing anything about trans* stuff, he wanted to talk about my “changing” identity.  

I feel like I may not have expressed myself well enough.  I am functional in day to day life.  But I want to be more than just functional.  I want to feel like I am not just marking time.  I want to feel like I have a future to work toward and not just be living for no reason.  I don’t know if I got this across to him.

The guy has to pass his notes on to his supervisor who will decide if they can/will help me.  I just have this sinking feeling that I’m going to get passed over.  That because I have a job I do good at, have gone to college and done well, have never tried to kill myself, and have not had to go to the ER because of a panic attack he is going to decide I don’t “really” help.  If I didn’t need help I wouldn’t have sought it out.

For more than ten years I have lived with feeling like something was wrong with me.  But I told myself as long as I can hide it, as long as it doesn’t interfere with work or family, then I didn’t need help.  And that has worked for the most part.  It isn’t working anymore.

Part of me feels like revealing my transgender status was a mistake.  That I should have just said I was depressed and didn’t know why and just BS my way through it all.  It’s better to get some help than no help, right?

I’m totally stressing out over this.  I’m not even sure it would be worth it if they did decide to provide counseling.

8-17-11 I'm getting help

So, the other day(Monday) I was feeling really bad(depressed, hopeless, wrong, failing) and I started thinking, like I have at times, that I would rather (stop being, sleep forever, not exist) than feel as bad as I was feeling.  Then I started making plans.  I started to plan how I would get my affairs(money, possessions, cat) in order before killing myself.  This really scared me.

I realized what I was doing and focused on, well, not thinking about killing myself.

I've felt like I would rather die than keep existing before but I've kept this feeling in check.  I know that killing myself is not the answer.  One of the pillars of my personal moral code is to cause as little harm to others as possible.  Killing myself would cause massive harm to those that love, like or even just knew me.  It is not an option I am willing to take.  Except for a brief period of time I was willing.

I went today to the Gulf Bend Center to start getting help.  I have to go back for a diagnostic assessment.  It has been hard to make myself seek help but Monday I realized not getting help was not really an option.

It was hard once I got there to say I needed help.  Even harder was explaining how I've been feeling.  I told the woman I saw about being depressed on and off for about ten years but that it had been getting worse recently.  I had to mention my sister's death which started some water works going.  The woman I talked to asked if there was anything that might have caused my depression.  I wanted to tell her that I'm transgender.  I couldn't say it.  I knew I wanted to be honest but didn't feel like I could trust her.  I knew that I could trust her but I didn't feel it, if that makes any sense.  I had to write it down and show it to her.  She reassured me that she wasn't there to judge me or anything bad.

So recap:  I'm getting help for my depression/anxiety.

Parents might be more accepting than I thought

So, today my parents helped me move the stuff I had put in storage a while back when I didn’t have a place to keep it in.

I told my parents I was transgender three years ago when I finally began to feel that I could accept myself after years of self-doubt.  I’m still working on truly accepting myself but I’m getting there.  

When I told my parents, my mom was more accepting of me while my dad seemed to not want to listen to what I was saying.  He may not have liked what I was saying but he didn’t reject me either.  And we haven’t really talked about it since.

Things haven’t been strained or awkward mostly because I haven’t made much progress in transitioning.  I don’t bring it up and neither do they.  It’s almost like I never came out to them.  There have been a few times that I have heard my mom say she or her when talking about me but it’s always been isolated events.

Today something strange and wonderful happened.  Today my mom AND my dad used she and her when talking about me.  They weren’t perfect about it but I heard more she and hers from them that I heard he and hims.

My dad said to my aunt, “We got her stuff out of storage,” when she asked what we had been doing today.  There was a little hesitation but he didn’t correct himself.  

Part of me wants to think that they’ve decided to support me but don’t know how to come out and say so and this is how they’re doing it.  That part feels like crying with joy.

Part of me wonders if maybe they just slipped up.  That I’m reading to much into a few slips of the tongue.

I hope the first part is right.

Gilly

The guy called back.

The guy from Friday called me yesterday.  He said he thought he had a missed number from my phone and was calling back.  Since I didn't have his number this is obviously an excuse to call me so I would then have his number.  I was busy at the time so we didn't talk long.

I'm debating on whether or not I should call him back.  On one hand I feel like I'm in limbo while transitioning.  On the other hand someone expressed desire for me.  I'm torn between wanting to be wanted and feeling like I can't or shouldn't become involved with anyone.

What makes this doubly hard for me is that I'm not good on the phone.  It feels awkward to talk to someone on the phone.  Then add in my social awkwardness and it seems an impossible task.  How can I possibly ask him what he wants from me and tell him that I'm transgender?

And I will tell him, if I call him back, because if I did't and we hit it off then later I would be torn between telling him and possibly ruining what we had or stop transitioning.  I know me and in that situation I probably would stop transitioning.

I haven't even decided to call him back and already I'm planning out our relationship but I need to take the long view.  If I don't take the long view, if I get bogged down in the present, I am likely to make quick, easy and horribly bad decisions.

I think I'm more confused now than when I started writing this.

Gilly



Then there's the fact that I'm not sure of what I want.

I met a guy

So today I went by my storage unit just to check up on my stuff.  I'm planing on moving everything out of storage soon and wanted to take a quick visual inventory.  Next to the storage place are some apts.  As I was walking past them after I had left my unit a guy called out to me.  He asked me if I wanted a ride.  After informing him of where I needed to go(home) and him saying it wasn't a problem I got in his mini-van and we were off.  Along the way we chatted, well he asked questions and I tried to answer with more than one word because I'm kinda bad at small talk.  He asked when I was off work and what I did on those days and if I would mind if he called me one day.  At which point I realized he might be trying to make a date with me.  When he asked if I had someone who might get mad if he called I became very sure.  I felt a little uncomfortable with the way the conversation was going and I think he sensed that cause he backed off a bit and changed the subject.  I did eventually give him my number.  I'm not entirely sure why.  I think partly it feels good to be wanted.  Maybe partly because I've got no other prospects.

I'm a little scared though.  What did he see me as?  Did he see me as a man?  Did he see me as a woman?  I'm fairly certain he saw me as a man.  I'm honest enough with myself to know I don't pass yet.  But part of me clings to the mad crazy idea that somehow he saw me as a woman.  I'm scared because what if he did and I tell him I'm trans and (every bad thing that could happen because a cis man thought he was 'fooled' by a trans woman) happens.  What if he saw me as a man and I tell him and he isn't interested anymore?

What if I tell him I'm transgender and it doesn't change anything?

He has my number so the ball is in his court so to speak.  I'm going to try my hardest to put this out of my mind and not feel bad if he doesn't call.

Goddess I wish my sister was here so I could talk to her about this.

Going to cry myself to sleep think of my sister,
Gilly

Thoughts about the future of trans* people

(I'm still feeling good which means I have energy and mental fortitude to think about things and to write about things.  Things like the following.  I encourage feedback.  Tell me where my logic is wrong.  Tell me I'm full of BS.  Tell me I need to learn more.  Tell me something.)

I've been thinking a lot about the future of trans* people.

I have been thinking about trans kids and future trans role models.  As it becomes more acceptable to be trans more children are transitioning younger and being prescribed hormone blockers, which means that more are avoiding the permanent changes puberty of their birth sex would cause.  This is a good thing for them.  It also means that they will blend into mainstream cis society much more easily.

What will  Will they even be trans in the way we think of it(I know trans has more definitions than stars in the sky but bear with me)?  Will they just be women and men who had a medical condition when they were younger?  Will

Maybe that's for the best.  Maybe there doesn't always need to be a trans movement.  Maybe we can 'win'.  Maybe one day it won't matter that Suzie was born male or that Mark was born female.  Maybe they will grow up in a world where it's not shameful to be a woman born male or a man born female.  Maybe as soon as they're old enough to understand, they will tell their parents, "Hey I'm a girl," or "Hey I'm a boy."  And their parents will say, "Thank you for telling us.  We'll get your info updated at the school."  And life will go on.

Maybe... but how will they know that it's ok to say that without visible trans people?  If every trans person transitions young and blends in then who will trans people look to know that they will be accepted?  Can we be accepted and still be visible?  How can we blend but still stand out?

I have more thoughts but it's getting late and I have work tomorrow.  I'll try to write more tomorrow.

Till then.

Gilly

7-21-11 Bras, self hate, suicide / I'm feeling better

This week has been one of the best weeks I've had in several months.  I've had some rocky moments but overall I haven't felt really depressed.  I've felt dysphoric about my body though.  A couple of days I've felt... wrong.  I've felt like ripping apart this corpse that I walk around in.  I've felt like a freak.  I'm scared that I will never be who I feel I am.  That everyone will look at me and not see 'me' but this flesh that doesn't meet their expectations of what a woman looks like.

Besides that I really am feeling a lot better than I have since even before my sister died.  I'd like to say that the hormones are leveling out my mood.  It's been three weeks since I restarted hrt.  Part of me really wants this to be the case.  Part of me knows I've had good weeks like this before and they always end.

***

I bought some sports bras online.  I wore one today to work.  I was a little nervous that someone would say something.  After a while I started to relax and mostly forgot about it.  I realized that I'm not wearing it for anyone else but myself so no one has any right to question me about it.  Not that anyone did.  I'm pretty sure that it isn't that hard to notice that I'm wear it but that might just be me knowing what to look for.

To be honest I've needed to wear something to contain my breasts for a while now.  I've put up with a lot of jiggling because I was afraid.  I was afraid of what other people might say.  I was afraid of being who I am because all my life the message I got from society was that being trans* was wrong.  It's weird and freaky and no one wants 'that'.  I bought into this message for twenty odd years and have spent several years trying to deprogram that message from my brain and learn to love myself.

I'm almost there.  It's still in there making me doubt myself and making me want to step backwards.  I am stronger than that.  If I wasn't I wouldn't be here now.  I'd be dead.  Cause that's what that message leads to. Death.  Every dead trans* person is dead because they bought into that message that they are less than.  Less than a man.  Less than a woman.  Less than a person.  How can anyone who believes that keep on living?  They don't.  I've stared into that dark path long and hard.  I still sometimes glance down it.  It promises relief from the unending torment of living.  "Peace," it whispers, "in death."

If there was something after death I might take that path but there isn't.  At least there's no proof that there is. This is my one chance at life.  I'm taking it.  It's taken me too long to grasp this simple idea.  This is the only chance I get to live my life, so why am I not living it the way I want to?

It's easy for me to spout super positive stuff like the last paragraph.  It's harder for me to live it but I'm trying.  I'm trying but it's hard to fight yourself.  I'm taking things one step at a time until I've walked to where I need to be.

This kinda got away from me.  I really just wanted to say I've started wearing sports bras and find them comfortable(no more jiggling) not reflect on my self hate and suicidal thoughts and current feelings of such but there it is.

Tell next time.

Gilly

Update 7-11-11

So my sister died last Saturday.  I'm not great but I'm dealing.  The worst thing is sometimes I forget and then I remember and it hurts like losing her the first time.

I'm getting along with my roommate.  Sometimes I feel weird being in the apt.  I feel out of place and like an intruder.  I stay in my room a lot.  I feel bad about staying in my room a lot like I'm being antisocial but some days I can't deal with being out of my room.

I restarted hrt on June 30 or July 1.

6-15-11

Ok so it's been two weeks since my move to my new to me apt which came with a roommate and three cats.  I'm still adapting to living in a new space.  I feel a little like an intruder since my roommate has been living here longer than me which makes me the new person.  I'm not saying I don't like my roommate cause I really do like her.  Yesterday she asked me if I wanted her to use male or female pronouns.  She's only the second person who has asked me that.  It made me feel like less of a freak(I know I'm not a freak but sometimes I feel like one).

Quick digression to the day I moved(June 1) : That day was the last day I had paid to be in my former apt and the first day I could move into my new apt so I had to move everything that day.  Luckily I hadn't moved much stuff from storage and had no furniture to move.  The friend who had introed me and my new roommate volunteered to help me move.  She picked me up after I got off work.  As she drove out of the parking lot of my work, she mentioned she had seen something I had posted on my facebook and asked me if I wanted her to refer to me as a woman.  She was the first person to ask me that.  I said yes and that was that.  The rest of the day when she had to refer to me in third person she said she or her.  I don't think anyone really caught on that she was doing that but I noticed and it made me feel like less of a freak(again I know I'm not really a freak but I still feel like one sometimes).

Back to the present:  This morning I was feeling mostly neutral.  Then while I was taking some meat up to the prep line I caught part of a conversation between two guys.  They were talking about a woman when one leaned close to the other and whispered, "She used to be a he."  I was kneeling next to them so it wasn't hard for me hear this.  The second guy then said, "Aww no one wants that."  I'm not sure if they said anything else because I kind of went away mentally for a minute while my body finished putting up the meat and walked to the back.  I tried to go back to work but I couldn't focus so I went to the bathroom and broke down for a few minutes.  After that the day was a little more bleak.

I wish I had been able to confront the guy about what he said but I couldn't.  As soon as he said what he said everything became fuzzy and I couldn't think.  The thing that really hurts is that this one of the few guys at work that I was on friendly terms.  Not that I'm enemies with the rest but I don't really talk to them either.  Part of me want's to go back tomorrow and confront him but I know that he won't remember what he said.  To me it was a triggering statement.  To him it was just a mindless comment.  Also I'm not out at work to the majority of my co-workers so I'd also have to out myself to him to explain why it hurt me so much.  The really sad thing was I was considering coming out to him but now I don't feel safe to do so.

Sorry to end on a depressing note but that's all I got for today,
~Gilly

5-31-11

It's been three weeks since I last posted anything, mostly due to my depression.

I'm moving out of the one bedroom apt I moved into at the beginning of the month.  I'm moving into a two bedroom with a friend of a friend who needed a roommate because her's was getting married and moving out.  I'm moving in tomorrow in fact.  It's kind of scary but I think it will better for me than living alone.  Also the rent will be cheaper and we will have internet, something I have been missing at home.

Really just wanted to check in after being gone for so long.  Maybe now that I'll have internet at home I'll post more often.

~Gilly

The following is for my own benefit so if I need to remember what happened on this day I can.

HEALTH NOTE:  Last night I got to bed late.  This morning I took a 200mg caffeine pill along with two Excedrin on my way to work(7:30 ish).  Shortly after I got to work they kicked in and I entered a hypomanic state which is what I intended to happen.  Later around 9:30 my mouth began to water and I felt a very strong urge to vomit.  I made it to the bathroom and dry heaved a couple of times(I had not eaten anything since the night before) before vomiting acid and some black specks(internet research suggests this may have been blood).  I continued to feel sick for another hour before feeling like I had to vomit again.  This second vomit was the same as the first.  Again I continued to feel sick afterwards.  Around 12:00-12:30 I once more felt the strong urge to vomit.  I was working cash and fought off the urge.  Manager noticed I was a little off, I said my stomache was upset, he offered me some pepto bismo which I took.  I began to feel better but still a little sick.  Finished my shift without feeling like I had to vomit again.  I ate a sandwich which seems to have helped a little.  Black specks(blood) were of a very small amount.  Will watch for reoccurrence.

5-10-11

I'm still here.  I don't know if I really want to be here.

Every morning I make the choice to get up and go to work like a real person.  I don't feel like a real person.  I'm empty.  A shell that looks and moves and sounds like a person.

Hopelessness burns like fire on my soul.
In this moment and the next and the next I am fine.
Only when I let the future in does the emptiness try to consume me.
What am I living for?  What is my purpose?  Why don't I just give up?

I want to stop living.
I want peace in my soul.
I want quiet in my mind.
I want a respite from this endless fight to be.

I'm tired of fighting myself.  I'm tired of everything.
Why can't I just lie down?
Why don't I just end it?
Why do I keep pretending everything is all right when my world is crumbling burning falling drowning bleeding into nothingness?

Because I don't know how to do anything else.
I've told you a thousand times in my head these things.
And a thousand times you've said nothing back.  Not even in my dreams.
How could you when I will never tell you these things?

I'm afraid to die without telling you.
I'm more afraid that once I tell you I won't be afraid to die.

This is not a suicide note.  This is merely a brief snapshot of my state of mind.  I will return with happier or at least less depressing posts.

~Gilly

4-26-11

Mood:  Today I feel okayish.  Almost neutral but I can feel an undercurrent of negative emotions in the back of my head.  Sunday after I got home from our family's Easter get together, I crashed emotionally, curled up on my bed and passed out for a couple of hours before getting up and taking my clothes to wash.

Happenings:  I'm still working on the Film Club t-shirt.  I'm going to try to finalize the design tonight.  I'll be working on the film for Haven the rest of the week and weekend.  Part of me feels bad about waiting until the last two weeks before it needs to be done but it's hard for me to dedicate myself to a project that has too much time left before the deadline.

I met with the woman who's roommate is getting married and moving out.  We seem to be compatible as roommates and maybe friends in time.  The friend who recommended her to me came along to ease to awkwardness.  The three of us went on short nature walk, ate at Double Dave's and then saw African Cats.  So we ended up spending about seven hours together.

Media:  I've started playing Deadspace.  I'm playing about two hours a night.  So far the game is very good.

Writing:  I've given up on Script Frenzy.  I don't have the mental energy right now to do it.

~Gilly