8-23-11

I went back to the Gulf Bend Center for my diagnostic/financial evaluation.  

Good news: I make so little money that my max monthly payment would be $0.  

Bad news: the guy I talked to didn’t seem to have any knowledge of trans* stuff.  Despite not knowing anything about trans* stuff, he wanted to talk about my “changing” identity.  

I feel like I may not have expressed myself well enough.  I am functional in day to day life.  But I want to be more than just functional.  I want to feel like I am not just marking time.  I want to feel like I have a future to work toward and not just be living for no reason.  I don’t know if I got this across to him.

The guy has to pass his notes on to his supervisor who will decide if they can/will help me.  I just have this sinking feeling that I’m going to get passed over.  That because I have a job I do good at, have gone to college and done well, have never tried to kill myself, and have not had to go to the ER because of a panic attack he is going to decide I don’t “really” help.  If I didn’t need help I wouldn’t have sought it out.

For more than ten years I have lived with feeling like something was wrong with me.  But I told myself as long as I can hide it, as long as it doesn’t interfere with work or family, then I didn’t need help.  And that has worked for the most part.  It isn’t working anymore.

Part of me feels like revealing my transgender status was a mistake.  That I should have just said I was depressed and didn’t know why and just BS my way through it all.  It’s better to get some help than no help, right?

I’m totally stressing out over this.  I’m not even sure it would be worth it if they did decide to provide counseling.

Quick post part 2

Still not much going on.

I've either lost my wallet or simply dropped in a friends car. I really hope that when I can look tomorrow in said friend's car that I find it. That wallet has my drivers licence, social security card, my check card and to top it off it has my last pay check. Do to Good Friday the banks were closed on the day I got my check and I just haven't made time to go to the bank. If I did't have a little saved up I would probably have cashed it sooner but because I have enough to get by on I let it slide. I'm feeling kinda scared. I just checked and there has been no activity on my check card so that's one good thing I guess. There's nothing I can do until tomorrow except try to keep from freaking out

Someone linked to a pdf titled A 6-Minute Difference in a discussion about fitness for transwomen. Its a very brief story about how one runner's times were effected by transiting from male to female. It's a nice read and has some interesting info for transsexual athletes.

The weekly digest of "Am I Memorex?" is up early tonight.

Tonight I am drinking wine, read to find out why

This is going to be short. Today I was the manager on duty. The only manager. I think this is the first time I've ever worked open to close on a Sunday as a manager. I was a little bit scared but felt confident that I could handle it. And the day went pretty smooth.

I opened the store with two employees. They set up the store while I decorated the mornings cakes. I had a bit of a fright when a few hundred people walked into the mall all at once. I found out by asking one that they were a group from Georgia. Thinking that if even a fourth of them decided to buy a cookie I would be in danger of running out of cookies, I started baking more cookies. I don't know what happened to those people, I never saw them leave so I guess they left through another exit.

Luckily for us a group of dancers was putting on a show right near the cookie shop so we still got a boost in sales. We never ran out of cookies, costumers were served in a timely manner, all cookie cakes were decorated and picked up on time, I made the cheesecake brownies for tomorrow, and rolled out enough cakes for tomorrow. I counted the drawers and they were a few cents over.

Everything was perfect. (Let me stop here for a second and say that is the day was perfect it was because the people(most still in high school) I worked with made it that way. If my crew were not great employees today could have sucked but it didn't because they are some of the best workers I have known.) Then I counted the deposit and came up ten dollars short.

I recounted the drawers. I checked the safe. I recounted the deposit. I counted the drawers. I counted the deposit again. I added everything up on the calculator to check the excel spreadsheet we use add up everything. I asked an employee to watch me as I recounted everything again to make sure I wasn't just making the same mistake over and over again.

After about twenty minutes I figured out the cash in the deposit was correct. The missing ten dollars was in the coinage. This makes no sense. There is no way for ten dollars in coins to be missing from the deposit. There is never more than two or three dollars in coins in the deposit. I called my manager told him about the shortage and left the deposit for him to check in the morning. I left work about forty-five minutes later than I should have. Forty-five minutes of trying to find impossible ten dollars in coins.

This has left me a little frazzled. It isn't the shortage that has me frazzled. I've been short before. It the way we're short that has me upset. It's just not possible for the deposit to be short ten dollars in coins. I don't normally drink alcohol. But tonight I'm stressed out about those ten dollars so I'm drinking some wine, not a lot, just enough to relax me. I'm going to cue up the first season of Torchwood and drink a little more and probably fall asleep early, which is why I'm writing this now instead of later.

Hmm that wasn't nearly as short as I thought it would be. Oh well, Captain Jack Harkness awaits.

Oh yeah Part 9 of "Am I Memorex?" will be up later on Gillian's Fiction at it's normal 1 AM time slot.