11-23-11

Okay update time.

I quit my job last week.  Last Tuesday I woke up and started crying.  I cried for a few hours until I realized I wouldn't be able to go to work in the state I was in.  So. I called in.  I spent most of the day either crying or recovering from a crying bout.  I did a lot of thinking and decided to quit the next day.  The next day I told my manager I was quitting but I could work the day if he wanted me to.  I worked my shift and left for the last time.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do next.  Right now I'm just trying to take care of myself.  I'm working on writing some stories.  I'm thinking about going back to college.  If I could get financial aid and a part time job it might be feasible.  I might just find a new job but one that I like more than the one I just quit.  I have a little time to decide.  I can afford to wait until mid January to find a job.  Not that I want to wait that long but if it takes that long to find a job I'll be ok.  Beyond then I'm going to be in trouble.  But I'm thinking positive and knowing that it won't come to that.

9-14-11

Last week I noticed myself taking caffeine pills to counteract depression induced fatigue and to improve my concentration so I didn't lope off a finger at work.  Over the weekend I did some basic research into long term effects of caffeine and side effects.  Basically caffeine not only gives you a shot of energy it also works as an antidepressant.

Which means I've been self medicating for my depression.  I'm not taking caffeine pills on a daily basis; just when I really feel overwhelmed at work by my depression.  I'm concerned about long term effects of taking a larger than normal amount of caffeine in but it helps.  The right dose can turn me from a ball of self hate ready to slice my wrists the next time I pick up a knife to a normal feeling person.  Not overly happy just even kneeled.

Another effect I've noticed is that on days that I take the caffeine; I can write.  I can think about the stories I want to write and make progress on them.  I can world build and character sketch in my head like no one's business.  Other days that I soldier on without I can't.  Its the antidepressant effect that frees more of my mind from just keeping myself from killing that is making it easier to write on those days.

I don't quite know what to do.  On one hand its not entirely health to ingest on a semi regular basis the amounts of caffeine I've been taking.  On the other it makes it possible for me to work on my worst days which have been getting worse and it makes it possible for me to write.  This being able to write to dream of other places while awake is what makes it so hard to say that I should stop.

Gilly

8-23-11

I went back to the Gulf Bend Center for my diagnostic/financial evaluation.  

Good news: I make so little money that my max monthly payment would be $0.  

Bad news: the guy I talked to didn’t seem to have any knowledge of trans* stuff.  Despite not knowing anything about trans* stuff, he wanted to talk about my “changing” identity.  

I feel like I may not have expressed myself well enough.  I am functional in day to day life.  But I want to be more than just functional.  I want to feel like I am not just marking time.  I want to feel like I have a future to work toward and not just be living for no reason.  I don’t know if I got this across to him.

The guy has to pass his notes on to his supervisor who will decide if they can/will help me.  I just have this sinking feeling that I’m going to get passed over.  That because I have a job I do good at, have gone to college and done well, have never tried to kill myself, and have not had to go to the ER because of a panic attack he is going to decide I don’t “really” help.  If I didn’t need help I wouldn’t have sought it out.

For more than ten years I have lived with feeling like something was wrong with me.  But I told myself as long as I can hide it, as long as it doesn’t interfere with work or family, then I didn’t need help.  And that has worked for the most part.  It isn’t working anymore.

Part of me feels like revealing my transgender status was a mistake.  That I should have just said I was depressed and didn’t know why and just BS my way through it all.  It’s better to get some help than no help, right?

I’m totally stressing out over this.  I’m not even sure it would be worth it if they did decide to provide counseling.

8-17-11 I'm getting help

So, the other day(Monday) I was feeling really bad(depressed, hopeless, wrong, failing) and I started thinking, like I have at times, that I would rather (stop being, sleep forever, not exist) than feel as bad as I was feeling.  Then I started making plans.  I started to plan how I would get my affairs(money, possessions, cat) in order before killing myself.  This really scared me.

I realized what I was doing and focused on, well, not thinking about killing myself.

I've felt like I would rather die than keep existing before but I've kept this feeling in check.  I know that killing myself is not the answer.  One of the pillars of my personal moral code is to cause as little harm to others as possible.  Killing myself would cause massive harm to those that love, like or even just knew me.  It is not an option I am willing to take.  Except for a brief period of time I was willing.

I went today to the Gulf Bend Center to start getting help.  I have to go back for a diagnostic assessment.  It has been hard to make myself seek help but Monday I realized not getting help was not really an option.

It was hard once I got there to say I needed help.  Even harder was explaining how I've been feeling.  I told the woman I saw about being depressed on and off for about ten years but that it had been getting worse recently.  I had to mention my sister's death which started some water works going.  The woman I talked to asked if there was anything that might have caused my depression.  I wanted to tell her that I'm transgender.  I couldn't say it.  I knew I wanted to be honest but didn't feel like I could trust her.  I knew that I could trust her but I didn't feel it, if that makes any sense.  I had to write it down and show it to her.  She reassured me that she wasn't there to judge me or anything bad.

So recap:  I'm getting help for my depression/anxiety.

Update 7-11-11

So my sister died last Saturday.  I'm not great but I'm dealing.  The worst thing is sometimes I forget and then I remember and it hurts like losing her the first time.

I'm getting along with my roommate.  Sometimes I feel weird being in the apt.  I feel out of place and like an intruder.  I stay in my room a lot.  I feel bad about staying in my room a lot like I'm being antisocial but some days I can't deal with being out of my room.

I restarted hrt on June 30 or July 1.

6-15-11

Ok so it's been two weeks since my move to my new to me apt which came with a roommate and three cats.  I'm still adapting to living in a new space.  I feel a little like an intruder since my roommate has been living here longer than me which makes me the new person.  I'm not saying I don't like my roommate cause I really do like her.  Yesterday she asked me if I wanted her to use male or female pronouns.  She's only the second person who has asked me that.  It made me feel like less of a freak(I know I'm not a freak but sometimes I feel like one).

Quick digression to the day I moved(June 1) : That day was the last day I had paid to be in my former apt and the first day I could move into my new apt so I had to move everything that day.  Luckily I hadn't moved much stuff from storage and had no furniture to move.  The friend who had introed me and my new roommate volunteered to help me move.  She picked me up after I got off work.  As she drove out of the parking lot of my work, she mentioned she had seen something I had posted on my facebook and asked me if I wanted her to refer to me as a woman.  She was the first person to ask me that.  I said yes and that was that.  The rest of the day when she had to refer to me in third person she said she or her.  I don't think anyone really caught on that she was doing that but I noticed and it made me feel like less of a freak(again I know I'm not really a freak but I still feel like one sometimes).

Back to the present:  This morning I was feeling mostly neutral.  Then while I was taking some meat up to the prep line I caught part of a conversation between two guys.  They were talking about a woman when one leaned close to the other and whispered, "She used to be a he."  I was kneeling next to them so it wasn't hard for me hear this.  The second guy then said, "Aww no one wants that."  I'm not sure if they said anything else because I kind of went away mentally for a minute while my body finished putting up the meat and walked to the back.  I tried to go back to work but I couldn't focus so I went to the bathroom and broke down for a few minutes.  After that the day was a little more bleak.

I wish I had been able to confront the guy about what he said but I couldn't.  As soon as he said what he said everything became fuzzy and I couldn't think.  The thing that really hurts is that this one of the few guys at work that I was on friendly terms.  Not that I'm enemies with the rest but I don't really talk to them either.  Part of me want's to go back tomorrow and confront him but I know that he won't remember what he said.  To me it was a triggering statement.  To him it was just a mindless comment.  Also I'm not out at work to the majority of my co-workers so I'd also have to out myself to him to explain why it hurt me so much.  The really sad thing was I was considering coming out to him but now I don't feel safe to do so.

Sorry to end on a depressing note but that's all I got for today,
~Gilly

5-10-11

I'm still here.  I don't know if I really want to be here.

Every morning I make the choice to get up and go to work like a real person.  I don't feel like a real person.  I'm empty.  A shell that looks and moves and sounds like a person.

Hopelessness burns like fire on my soul.
In this moment and the next and the next I am fine.
Only when I let the future in does the emptiness try to consume me.
What am I living for?  What is my purpose?  Why don't I just give up?

I want to stop living.
I want peace in my soul.
I want quiet in my mind.
I want a respite from this endless fight to be.

I'm tired of fighting myself.  I'm tired of everything.
Why can't I just lie down?
Why don't I just end it?
Why do I keep pretending everything is all right when my world is crumbling burning falling drowning bleeding into nothingness?

Because I don't know how to do anything else.
I've told you a thousand times in my head these things.
And a thousand times you've said nothing back.  Not even in my dreams.
How could you when I will never tell you these things?

I'm afraid to die without telling you.
I'm more afraid that once I tell you I won't be afraid to die.

This is not a suicide note.  This is merely a brief snapshot of my state of mind.  I will return with happier or at least less depressing posts.

~Gilly

4-26-11

Mood:  Today I feel okayish.  Almost neutral but I can feel an undercurrent of negative emotions in the back of my head.  Sunday after I got home from our family's Easter get together, I crashed emotionally, curled up on my bed and passed out for a couple of hours before getting up and taking my clothes to wash.

Happenings:  I'm still working on the Film Club t-shirt.  I'm going to try to finalize the design tonight.  I'll be working on the film for Haven the rest of the week and weekend.  Part of me feels bad about waiting until the last two weeks before it needs to be done but it's hard for me to dedicate myself to a project that has too much time left before the deadline.

I met with the woman who's roommate is getting married and moving out.  We seem to be compatible as roommates and maybe friends in time.  The friend who recommended her to me came along to ease to awkwardness.  The three of us went on short nature walk, ate at Double Dave's and then saw African Cats.  So we ended up spending about seven hours together.

Media:  I've started playing Deadspace.  I'm playing about two hours a night.  So far the game is very good.

Writing:  I've given up on Script Frenzy.  I don't have the mental energy right now to do it.

~Gilly

4-18-11

Mood: Detached, depressed, feeling worthless and useless.  I know I'm not worthless or useless.  I tell myself that I am worth something and I can do almost anything I put my mind to.  It's hard to believe myself sometimes when it doesn't 'feel' true even if I know it to be true.

Happenings:  A friend has introed me to one of her friends who is looking for a new roommate (current one is getting married).  We've just exchanged an email but will be meeting to get to know each other to see if we'll get along.

Media:  I finished Mass Effect 3.  Only one of my team died in the final mission.  I'm tempted to replay the last mission just to keep him alive but part of me feels like it would be cheating to do so.  During the final mission I made what I thought were the best choices at the time.  Those choices led to that teammate's death.  That's the story I played.  To replay that mission and rig the outcome to save him would be like rewriting Wash's death in Serenity.  You may not agree with what happened but it happened.

Writing:  I've not written anything since my last post.  I'm hoping that I'll be able to do some writing soon.

~Gilly

3-28-11 Sucker Punch

I went into Sucker Punch knowing as little as possible.  I knew Zack Snyder had directed it and it was his story.  I had seen the trailer and I knew it was a bout a group of women trying to escape from a mental hospital.  That's all I knew.  It was enough to get me into the theater.

I went in thinking that at the very least I would see a fun action packed movie.  Sucker Punch delivers on the that front and more.  You are probably not going to believe me but Suckerpunch is not just a mere action movie; it is a Film.  A movie is entertaining; a Film is art.  You can watch it as an action movie but if you want you can begin to peel back the layers of this Film and find a work of art.  I've been replaying the movie in my head all weekend long.  I've never felt so enraptured by a movie before.

Looking around the internet I see quite a few people are seriously hating on this movie.  I wish I had the energy to engage them in discussions and really find out why they hate it.

Mood: Still depressed.  I've had a few really bad days and a few not as bad days.  On a scale of 1-10 I've been averaging about a 3 for the last week.

Happenings: I went to see Sucker Punch.  See above for my reaction to it.

Media: Over the weekend I saw Sydney White and Push.  Push was an ok movie.  Pretty standard thriller/action movie.  It doesn't have a proper ending through, instead opting for a sequel hook that wouldn't be bad if they had made the sequel, which they didn't due to the movie doing poorly.

Sydney White is also an ok movie.  I've been working on a piece that I'll be posting here later in the week about how LGBT people are portrayed in the film.  They're not important to the plot and are only on screen for a few minutes but I think it's important to talk about how LGBT people are portrayed when they are shown as part of the normal human continuum.

Writing:  The aforementioned piece on LGBT in Sydney White.  I'm also been thinking about how trans* characters are usually portrayed in fiction, especially movies.  I might have something about that as well soon.

I've also been trying to flesh out the bare middle of an older story.  The other day I had some great ideas and even scripted a full scene in my head while I was working but didn't make any notes and when I tried to remember them after work I couldn't.

That's all I got right now,

~Gilly

3-24-11

I am experiencing a major depressive episode. It's hard to know for sure but looking at past posts it looks like it's been about two weeks since I really started to feel really depressed.

Yesterday I happened upon a book titled Why Am I still Depressed?, which is about the bipolar spectrum and how it's possible that someone could be bipolar without realizing it.  Being that I'm somewhat poor I didn't buy it.  I am taking an idea from it and rating my mood everyday on a 1 to 10 scale.  I'll be writing the numbers down on a calender that I have hanging in my room.  It should be easy enough for me to write down a single number that I won't forget to do it.  After a few weeks or possibly months I'll be able to see if my mood cycles from depressed  to normal.

I'm almost sure that I'll see some sort of regular cycle.  I remember noticing patterns to my mood before in my old livejournal.  For at least three months I made note of feeling very depressed for a week every month.  If I can find the time I might go over all my old posts and try to piece together a mood graph for the last four years or so.

Right now I'm feeling empty.  I feel detached from life.  I've been walking around in a daze a lot lately.  I feel like a fake person a lot of the time when I'm talking to people.  Like I'm only saying what a "normal" person would say not what I want to say.

That's all I got for now.
~Gilly

2-21-11

Last week I was fighting depression. I'm still fighting off black thoughts but I have several projects I'm working on off and on to keep me busy. So I'm coping but haven't been in the mood write posts or anything else.

I've been working on gathering info about getting a blanket license for the college's film club. I've also been working on a proposal for Haven's, the gay straight alliance at the college, first event.

Oh, I haven't written about what happened. Ok, so remember the film club and Haven were going to have screen two movies for Haven's Groundhog's Day Coming Out event. The event was canceled by college administration. They said that the film club was screening movies in violation of copyright laws. In fact the film club has been doing this unaware. Now it could just be a coincidence that when the LGBT club wants to show some movies is when they decide to say we can't show any movies due to copyright concerns but somehow I doubt it.

So now the film club can't show movies which is why I'm working on the blanket licence. It won't let us show any movie, only movies from a list of independent distributors. There are still a lot of movies we can show from them that will be worthwhile.

Besides those things I've mostly been randomly reading stuff online and just trying not to feel too depressed.

That's all for today,
Gilly

2-15-11

It's one of those days again. I'm going to try to have something for tomorrow but no promises. Sorry.

1-31-11

Mood: Okay right now. Earlier this morning I was feeling pretty bad. I was zoned out letting my zombie move my body and do my job. A coworker asked if I was alright cause she said I was being very quiet. I had to come back from the back of my mind to talk and lied saying I was fine. After that I was back in my body and was really feeling the empty sucking void that should have been "my sense of worth as a person" so I went to the bathroom and cried for a few minutes silently.

I feel good that I met my goal of five posts in a week even if one was real short from my phone and one was a angst fest.

Happenings: Nothing happened over the weekend. I stayed home and played Borderlands all day on Sunday, my day off.

Writing Progress: Wrote a story outline.

Media: Borderlands.

1-28-11

Slight format change. I've cut down the headers down to just one word and the header Media is going to combine the watching and reading headings.

Mood: I'm feeling better. Not empty anymore. Just kind of tired but that might be from not enough sleep.

Happenings: So Wednesday I was feeling very depressed if you couldn't tell from my depressed raving. It started in the morning and has been ongoing. I left Hasting's shortly after posting that and went to Dollar General to get some kitty litter. I passed a liquor store and thought about buying a bottle of something to help me relax but decided to save my money. While buying the litter I saw some coffee/hot chocolate mugs. Realizing I that I don't have a mug I decided too buy one and a box of hot chocolate mixes. I don't know why but the idea of making hot chocolate when I got home made me feel a little better and the walk to the bus stop in the cool night air helped as well. I made it home without incident, made something to eat, took a shower, made a cup of hot chocolate that I dipped a couple of cookies in, and went to sleep.

Thursday morning I woke up feeling okay. I had the thought that by not eating breakfast I'm putting my blood sugar level in the gutter for the morning, which wasn't helping my depressed state. So I made some toast and put some jelly on it. It didn't really help much if at all. An hour or so after waking up I started to feel the depression taking hold again. I entered a kind of waking sleep mode to keep moving. It's hard to describe but basically, I let the part of my mind that knows how to do my job take over and I just kind of go along for that ride. I'm still there and can do things but mostly its just my body doing things on autopilot.

Lunch in the deli was bearable. After work I made the short post from my phone and went to Gamespot to browse around a bit. I picked up a copy of Borderlands. Also I renewed my discount card and Game Informer subscription now that I have a permanent address. I stopped to talk with my sister for a little while before going by the store to get a few things. I ate a couple of sandwiches for supper. Then I wrote most of this post before popping in Borderlands.

Media: I played borderlands for a few hours before showering and going to bed. I'm enjoying it so far and will right more when I get the chance.

Writing: None.

Gilly

1-26-11

I feel terrible. My head hurts and I'm hungry and thirsty because I've not eaten or drunk anything for about six hours after eating a small lunch. I'm in the middle of a fairly bad depressive episode. I've been reading the internet for most of those six hours to distract myself. It's a weird habit I have to block out how I bad I feel by immersing myself in readings blogs. It works to a degree but doesn't really make my feel better and some times backs fires when I run into news of bad stuff happening to people.

Earlier I had the urge to get up, walk out the door, and jump in front of a fast moving truck. I'm still here obviously. I say I don't want to kill myself but what if one day the urge is stronger than my rational thoughts.

I wish some times that I could just stop living. I feel empty inside. Like I'm not a real person. Just some kind of construct pretending to be a person. Some times it just hurts so much to exist that I just want it to stop or I want the pain of living to stop. That sounds so childish but its how I feel.

So thats a little peek at what's going inside my head right now. I'll be better tomorrow hopefully.

Gilly

1-18-11

Mood: Been having a depression/anxiety episode since Friday night. Or maybe the high from getting my own place has worn off. Something like that.

What I've been doing: Friday I didn't go home and watch Lars and the Real Girl. I stayed at Hasting's and really caught up on my feeds and read a bunch of blogs. I ran into a link to a blog claiming "transgenders" bring down "transsexuals". This is such HORSESHIT. It's transphobic and, and just Fuck Them! Sorry but that's the best I can do for a coherent response to that kind of bile. I hate that it gets to me like this. Reading that stuff makes all my doubts and fears go crazy. I wish I was more self-assured. I wish I had more confidence.

Saturday I got through work in a daze and then went home.

Sunday, my day off, I stayed home most of the day. I made sweet rice and ate it while watching Despicable Me. Then I filled my tub up and relaxed in the water for a while. Later I washed my clothes. I watched Lars and the Real Girl before going to bed. It was a good day off.

Monday after work my parents were in the city so I went with them to buy groceries. It was nice to spend time with them. They bought me a dish strainer. They also had a toaster for me but it wasn't new and some sodas.

Today I did something I feel good about. My coworker asked me what my necklace meant. I said it was the symbol for transgender. She asked me what that was and after thinking for a second I said, "It's when a person's gender doesn't match their sex." Which isn't the best definition but it's not terrible. She asked a couple of more questions. In the end she thank me for telling her what it meant. I feel good that I helped inform someone and I didn't brush her off when she asked about my necklace. I've fallen into the habit of doing that lately.

Writing Progress: I worked on chapter 3.

What I've been watching: Lars and the Real Girl and Despicable Me. Will do write ups tomorrow.

Reading: Tales of Mu

Slow week I guess

So it's been a week since I posted and I really don't have much to say. I've been a little down lately which usually means no posts until I start feeling better or I feel guilty enough about not posting to post something. While I haven't been posting here I have been as active as ever on Facebook just because it's so easy to 'like' someone's status or interject with a short comment.

Not much going on right now that I want to talk about. I've been playing Fallout 3 while listening to episodes of the podcast 'I Love Lard' which has the odd side effect of when I think about the podcast I end up picturing the hosts broadcasting from a bunker under the Capital Wasteland. Next week I have a party with the film club from the local college on Friday, I'm not 'in' the film club I knew one person and they invited me to one of their events and I kind of hit it off with few people and I do love film so now I show up at their events and parties as a friend of the club, and a party at work the next day.

That's all for now,
Gilly

Just about today

Today I was at work at 8am and got off at 5:30pm. I sliced meat, worked the main cash register and sliced more meat which means I spent most of my day standing in two spots leaning slightly forward causing my back to hurt.

I feel a little down right now. I'm not sure if it's just because I feel so tired or if I'm starting a depressive episode.

I made a small change to the text at the top of the blog. I changed bi-romantic demisexual to pan-romantic asexual. I've been giving a lot of thought to whether or not I am asexual or demisexual. Demisexual means that a person normally does not feel sexual attraction for other people except for when an emotional bond has been established with a person. Asexual means that a person does not feel sexual attraction for other people period. After much thought I realized that I really do not and have not ever felt sexually attracted to anyone. Even right now that I'm crushing hugely on this guy I don't want to have sex with him. I want to cuddle and kiss and touch but sex not at all. Now wait how can you be crushing on a guy if your not sexually attracted to him? you may ask. Well that's where the pan-romantic part comes in. I do want to form relationships with people on a level that is more than just friends but without sex that's the romantic part. I'm also very open to who I might form these relationships with that's the pan part. If you're still confused google asexual and poke around you'll probably find some answers or leave a comment. I haven't gotten a comment on a blog post in a long time so I would totally love one:).

Hmm I'm feeling a little better now that I've written this. A little blog therapy maybe.

Till next time,

Gilly

Weird/bad dreams

The past two nights I've been have very vivid dreams. It's hard to piece together a real narrative because they're just all over the place. I remember doors that you could knock three times on that would then open up on someplace 'else'. Knocking on one door and then another would open both up to the same place in the 'else' so you could create a shortcut through the 'else'. I remember a mechanical fortune telling machine, kind that give out slips of paper, with a skull in it. The others I was with were afraid of it and I didn't like it much either but I thought it might have some answers. I remember a woman my own age or younger who in the dream was my mother but still young because of something to do with the doors. I remember being afraid when the doors developed a way to hide when they were open to the 'else' with some sort of illusion. Until then you could see the 'else' through the open door but with the illusion you couldn't it looked like the door had opened to the next room like normal. That's just the parts that I can turn into words that make sense.

I remember walking into my room, sitting down and feeling depressed. I felt that empty feeling inside, the hopelessness of feeling my world fall apart, the pain of existing. It consumed my mind in the dream. When I woke up I felt confused. I could remember how I felt but I didn't feel that way anymore. Like when you get hurt in a dream and wake up briefly still feeling the pain.

I kind of know where these dreams came from. Some of the images I can remember tie into things that I've been thinking about. The feeling of depression I know is from thinking about how I haven't been feeling depressed during the past three weeks. During the past three weeks that I've been dealing with not having power and the inevitability of my eviction from the apartment I haven't felt depressed. I haven't even felt mildly depressed. Part of that is knowing that there are things going wrong and dealing with them. When everything is great I start feeling that things are going to fall apart again which can cause me to have a depressive episode. When nothing is going wrong, there's nothing I can do to feel like I'm 'dealing' with what is wrong so the feeling stays. When things are going wrong I can do something, which makes me feel more in control and thus better.

Huh I think I just had a minor epiphany about what causes me to feel depressed.

The dreams a kind of nice cause they could turn into a story if I worked on it but they leave me feeling mentally drained in the morning instead of rested.

That's all for today.

Gilly