8-17-11 I'm getting help

So, the other day(Monday) I was feeling really bad(depressed, hopeless, wrong, failing) and I started thinking, like I have at times, that I would rather (stop being, sleep forever, not exist) than feel as bad as I was feeling.  Then I started making plans.  I started to plan how I would get my affairs(money, possessions, cat) in order before killing myself.  This really scared me.

I realized what I was doing and focused on, well, not thinking about killing myself.

I've felt like I would rather die than keep existing before but I've kept this feeling in check.  I know that killing myself is not the answer.  One of the pillars of my personal moral code is to cause as little harm to others as possible.  Killing myself would cause massive harm to those that love, like or even just knew me.  It is not an option I am willing to take.  Except for a brief period of time I was willing.

I went today to the Gulf Bend Center to start getting help.  I have to go back for a diagnostic assessment.  It has been hard to make myself seek help but Monday I realized not getting help was not really an option.

It was hard once I got there to say I needed help.  Even harder was explaining how I've been feeling.  I told the woman I saw about being depressed on and off for about ten years but that it had been getting worse recently.  I had to mention my sister's death which started some water works going.  The woman I talked to asked if there was anything that might have caused my depression.  I wanted to tell her that I'm transgender.  I couldn't say it.  I knew I wanted to be honest but didn't feel like I could trust her.  I knew that I could trust her but I didn't feel it, if that makes any sense.  I had to write it down and show it to her.  She reassured me that she wasn't there to judge me or anything bad.

So recap:  I'm getting help for my depression/anxiety.

I met a guy

So today I went by my storage unit just to check up on my stuff.  I'm planing on moving everything out of storage soon and wanted to take a quick visual inventory.  Next to the storage place are some apts.  As I was walking past them after I had left my unit a guy called out to me.  He asked me if I wanted a ride.  After informing him of where I needed to go(home) and him saying it wasn't a problem I got in his mini-van and we were off.  Along the way we chatted, well he asked questions and I tried to answer with more than one word because I'm kinda bad at small talk.  He asked when I was off work and what I did on those days and if I would mind if he called me one day.  At which point I realized he might be trying to make a date with me.  When he asked if I had someone who might get mad if he called I became very sure.  I felt a little uncomfortable with the way the conversation was going and I think he sensed that cause he backed off a bit and changed the subject.  I did eventually give him my number.  I'm not entirely sure why.  I think partly it feels good to be wanted.  Maybe partly because I've got no other prospects.

I'm a little scared though.  What did he see me as?  Did he see me as a man?  Did he see me as a woman?  I'm fairly certain he saw me as a man.  I'm honest enough with myself to know I don't pass yet.  But part of me clings to the mad crazy idea that somehow he saw me as a woman.  I'm scared because what if he did and I tell him I'm trans and (every bad thing that could happen because a cis man thought he was 'fooled' by a trans woman) happens.  What if he saw me as a man and I tell him and he isn't interested anymore?

What if I tell him I'm transgender and it doesn't change anything?

He has my number so the ball is in his court so to speak.  I'm going to try my hardest to put this out of my mind and not feel bad if he doesn't call.

Goddess I wish my sister was here so I could talk to her about this.

Going to cry myself to sleep think of my sister,
Gilly

Update 7-11-11

So my sister died last Saturday.  I'm not great but I'm dealing.  The worst thing is sometimes I forget and then I remember and it hurts like losing her the first time.

I'm getting along with my roommate.  Sometimes I feel weird being in the apt.  I feel out of place and like an intruder.  I stay in my room a lot.  I feel bad about staying in my room a lot like I'm being antisocial but some days I can't deal with being out of my room.

I restarted hrt on June 30 or July 1.

Real life writes the plot

Ok basically next month is going to be nothing like I thought it was going to be like. First off I'll now living alone. My sister has moved out. She told me yesterday morning. I don't really mind being alone but I was kind of depending on her for rent and half the bills. She lost her job about a month ago an my job doesn't pay a whole lot so we've been falling behind on bills and rent. Now that she's moved out I'm really in a bind with the bills and rent. Now it may seem like my sister has screwed me over but the bigger picture is hard to explain without writing several pages about my our lives so just believe me when I say I'm not mad at her.

Second I'm not going to be able to do Nanowrimo. I really wanted to try this year but with this going on I don't think I can face up to a brand new project. I will keep writing the stuff I've been working on.

My light bill is over due but if they hold off until Friday I can catch it up. Rent wise I'm up the creek with no paddle. I figure the landlord won't evict me until sometime in November hopefully not until the end.

Yesterday afternoon I went to my old workplace to see some friends. While there I asked if they knew of any cheap apartments which led to me explaining everything. That's when F said that he, M(the guy I've been working with on that series and my best friend) and another guy that I know but not too well have been planning on renting a house together and if I wanted I could join them and lower the amount everyone has to pay.

So now I'm looking for a house we can rent. F has said that they can have money saved up by the end of November to pay for first months rent and the deposit. I gathered that they hadn't planned on finding a place until around January but because of my precarious situation he's pushing the others to do it sooner.

It's weird the way life can work out. Monday morning I thought I was facing homelessness. By that evening I had been invited into a new home made with friends. It's not a perfect solution there's still a chance my light could get cut off early or I could get evicted before we find a place or save enough for rent and deposit. Despite this possible disasters I can't feel too worried about them cause at the other end is home.

I Got Fired

I don't feel like typing up the whole story so I'll just say I let my temper get the best of me and I did something I wish I hadn't and now I'm without a job.

I was fired yesterday by my regional manager. I feel a little numb about the whole thing that is when I'm not feeling hopeless about the future. This job was my life. I Don't know what I'm going to do now. The people I worked with are like family and now I've been thrust out of the home we created at work. I may be romanticizing just a little. I've only been there for two years but I can't imagine working anywhere else.

I'm ok moneywise for a couple of weeks maybe up to a month if I'm very careful with what I spend money on. I'm thinking of taking that time to try my hand at writing for money again.

The event that got me fired happened Saturday. I was suspended for a week during which the regional manager came down and decided to fire me. Early in the week my sister told our manager(she works at the same store I did) that it may have been the hormones I was taking that caused me to lose my temper the way I did. She also told her that I use the name Gillian online. I was a little worried that this might create some tension between us until my sister told me that my manager had said I might be happier if I expressed some more femininity and that I would make a beautiful woman. So now we're closer than we were but now I'm not working with her and I feel so sad.

This too shall pass. One door close and another opens. I'm going to fine. I promise.

Gilly

It's my birthday

I say this not to inform anyone but to explain why I got a card from my parents. A card that very blatantly features the words son, boy, and man. I come out to them as trans two years ago. Maybe I wasn't as clear as I could have been but they seemed to et the idea. Until recently when I noticed that card they were giving my for Christmas and now my birthday are very much for a guy. This isn't to say that I'm totally sad today. My sister gave me two cards today neither of them 'for a guy' and I've gotten more than a few happy birthdays via facebook and txt. It's just, they're my parents. You know. Well enough moping about that, I'm going to read the internets now.

Random update

Yesterday something strange but pleasant happened. One of my employees referred to me as she repeatably during the day. It was strange because she hasn't done it before and I'm not out to her as trans but for some reason yesterday she kept saying she. This felt nice even if she did correct herself about half the time. It was kind like a preview of what's to come.

In other news I have decided to move out of the apartment I share with my sister and her kids in Sept. This will give me a month to get everything in order. I've made the decision but haven't told my sister yet. I haven't even told her about my raise yet. I don't know why I haven't.

I told my parents the other day about how I was now working on a salary. They weren't very excited. They expressed concerns that the company might ask me to work a lot of extra hours. I will have to work a minimum of 45 hours a week but I've already been working those kinds of hours so thats not a problem. I think they might be worried that I'm settling for a 'lesser' job. In other words, they think I should be doing something more important.

At one point in my life I might have agreed with them. Lately I've been asking myself, "Are you happy doing the work you are doing?" and the answer is yes. I am happy here doing the work that I do. I know that in the grand scheme of things running a pretzel shop is not very important. But we serve a purpose in the day to day lives of those that come to the mall and those that work in the mall. Until cheap robot workers can be made to take over mundane jobs, like making pretzels, leaving the human race to gaze intently at their navels all day, someone has to do it. And I don't see why it shouldn't be me.

A Step Towards Moving Out

So today I made a couple of phone calls to find out if I owed anything to the light company or the phone company I plan on using if/when I move out on my own.

I haven't had a bill in my name for around five or six years. See about six or seven years ago I had been living with my sister for about two years when we started to get late notices on some of our bills which at the time were in her name. This happened because neither of us was very good at budgeting money at the time. Over the past few years we've both gotten better about it but at the time we were terrible. We were slowly sinking under the weight of these bills that we could not possible pay so we switch everything over to be under my name, which worked for about a year until our bad money habits started to sink us again. We cut some luxuries and with the help of a friend who loaned us his info to put the light back on we started to learn how to not get into binds like that and for the most part we have kept in the black except for those rare time when one of us was jobless.

In the aftermath of our stumblings I was left with some unpaid bills as was my sister. Today when I called I found out that I was remarkable debt free which clears the way toward me living on my own.

I still haven't told my sister that I'm thinking about it. I had told myself I wouldn't take any steps in that direction until I talked to her, specifically that I wouldn't call about any old bills. So now I'm feeling a bit guilty about those calls I made. I know I shouldn't.

I feel like a door has opened but I'm too scared to walk through it. There is really nothing holding me back. I have a good steady job, a healthy savings account to cover moving expenses, deposits, first month's rent and bills. So long as I was approved for an apartment I could move within the week. But really I couldn't yet.

Advice needed!

So the other day I was going through my browser history looking for a webpage when I saw some entries for redtube. For those not in the know redtube is like youtube but for porn. Now I will not deny having gone there in past but not on the day that I was looking at in the history. After looking at the times and date I realized that on that day I had left my netbook at hone for my niece to type up a paper, because her laptop was on the fritz.

In Chrome opening a new tab displays your top nine most visited sites. While helping her mother look up something on my niece's laptop I noticed redtube was on the new tab page. I asked my niece to come help me with something in another room and told her what I had seen. Then I gave her tips on how to hide her viewing habits better and told her I wouldn't tell her mom.

Now I'm wondering if I made the right call. I'm thinking I should have a sit down conversation about safe sex with her to be sure she has good info. I am conflicted about not telling her mom. Should I tell her? I'm really unsure what her reaction would be.