Random update

Yesterday something strange but pleasant happened. One of my employees referred to me as she repeatably during the day. It was strange because she hasn't done it before and I'm not out to her as trans but for some reason yesterday she kept saying she. This felt nice even if she did correct herself about half the time. It was kind like a preview of what's to come.

In other news I have decided to move out of the apartment I share with my sister and her kids in Sept. This will give me a month to get everything in order. I've made the decision but haven't told my sister yet. I haven't even told her about my raise yet. I don't know why I haven't.

I told my parents the other day about how I was now working on a salary. They weren't very excited. They expressed concerns that the company might ask me to work a lot of extra hours. I will have to work a minimum of 45 hours a week but I've already been working those kinds of hours so thats not a problem. I think they might be worried that I'm settling for a 'lesser' job. In other words, they think I should be doing something more important.

At one point in my life I might have agreed with them. Lately I've been asking myself, "Are you happy doing the work you are doing?" and the answer is yes. I am happy here doing the work that I do. I know that in the grand scheme of things running a pretzel shop is not very important. But we serve a purpose in the day to day lives of those that come to the mall and those that work in the mall. Until cheap robot workers can be made to take over mundane jobs, like making pretzels, leaving the human race to gaze intently at their navels all day, someone has to do it. And I don't see why it shouldn't be me.

The Hardest Part Is Saying The First Word

I said a few posts ago that I wasn't going to worry about coming out at work until I was ready but now I'm feeling that I may need to tell my manager and regional manager soon. They made me a salaried employee. To offer something like that to someone who has been with a company for less that a year is a big deal. It's a big deal to me at least. They could easily have just given me a modest raise like I was expecting. I was looking for table scraps and they threw me a steak.

I don't feel it's my duty to tell them but I feel like I don't want to rock the boat too much when I do transition. I wasn't worried about that before cause as much as I liked the job and wanted to keep it and as many times as I've been told I am a good and valuable employee, I thought I could always find another job. Now I feel like a valued employee and don't want to lose this job.

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My boss asked me what I was going to do with all the money I'm going to be making. I said I didn't know but I do. As he asked me the numbers began dancing in my head sorting themselves into neat piles.

One pile for living expenses.
One pile for savings.
One pile for electrolysis.
One pile for HRT.
One pile for doctor visits.
And one pile for whatever I want.

But I couldn't tell him about the electrolysis or HRT so I just lied like I always do when something like this comes up. I want to stop lying.

Pretzel Training Trip Is A Go

So on Monday I and another employee, who has not been determined yet, will leave with our regional manager to Houston and return on Thursday as pretzel making masters. I am very excited about this trip. I've never been on a trip like this where everything was paid for by the company I worked for. Of course I've never been an assistant manager about to be placed in charge of a new store either. I feel like I've reached a new level in the game of life.

I'm unsure if I'll have internet access while in Houston so this blog might go silent for the week. If that happens I'll keep a daily diary that I can post when I get back.

This week has just not been a good blogging or writing week. I thought I'd whip up a quick post.

First good news. I am typing this on my new Eee Aeus. So far I'm loving it. It is totally walk around the house portable. Small and light enough to easily carry one handed. My last laptop was a monster with a 17 inch screen. It was nice to look at and use but not easy to move around unless holding it with both hands and braced against some other body part. The ten inch screen on this gem is smaller than I'm used to but not to small to be annoying. It cost me $349 plus tax.

Second more good news. My store is part of a group of stores which was in competition with other groups of stores during the first quarter of this year and our group of stores won. And as part of the management team I got a larger bonus which just about covered the cost of my netbook.

Third good and bad news. I'm going to be getting health insurance through my store which they don't offer to regular employees just management, which I am in the eyes of my manager but not yet in the eyes of the company. The regional manager is going to push it through to get me health insurance. Now on to why I need heath insurance. Basically I be or may be becoming diabetic. It runs in my family and I really don't eat right or exercise enough so if I am it's my own fault. But my symptoms(dizziness, lightheadedness, difficulty remembering words, fatigue and tiredness not linked to lack of sleep) might be something else so I'll glad that I'm going to be able to get medical care.

Fourth good news. Our cat Tinkerbell started giving birth while I was writing this. So far two have come out but we think there will be more.

Thats all for now.

Promotion news

Well today my boss filled me in on what is going on with my promotion. The cookie store is going to be remodeled and a pretzel shop, which is run by the same parent company, put in next door. The pretzel shop will be a separate business but be managed by my manager. I've been told that when this comes to pass I will be promoted to assistant manager and possibly be placed in charge of the pretzel shop or the other assistant manager will be put over the pretzel shop and I'll be kept at the cookie store.

So seems that I'll have to wait a little while before I get officially promoted, unofficially I'm already an assistant manager. I will be getting a change in title from team leader to shift supervisor. This change is partly for show and partly to keep me a symbolic level above the other team leaders he wants to install in the hierarchy.

I've started reading Palimpsest. In a word this book is intoxicating. I feel drawn into the world of Palimpsest. I'm still discovering this world but when I'm done I'll have a review until then trust me when I say this book is good.

Am I Memorex? - Part 3 & 4 up / Work news

Part 3 and part 4 of Am I Memorex? are up on Gillian's Fiction.

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I'm still waiting on my promotion and raise. My manager is confident that the powers that be will grant me both. I'm remaining optomistic but keeping in mind that it isn't set in stone.

Being the closing manager I really need my own transportation so I can stop begging rides from my crew. Not that I have to beg them, they're but I would feel much better if I wasn't depentant on them for my way home. I'd really like to get a nice used(maybe new) car of a lot and pay monthly for it. Right now I don't think I could afford a monthly car payment with what I make now but if I get that raise...

I really hate that I'm waiting for something out of my control to happen so I can better my situation. I may take a real hard look at where I'm spending to see if I can't tighten my belt a little and find that car payment money with what I'm making now.

In other news, my manager needs surgery for a hernia costing about $5000 and right now he doesn't have any medical insurance. He's fifteen days from finishing his 90 day probation period here. His doctor has cleared him for work for now but he's not supposed to lift anything heavy. When he goes in for surgery it'll be just me and the other assistant manager running the store while he recovers. I'm not worried about that but I am worried that my manager is going to overwork himself. I know at least twice in the past month he's worked so many hours at a time that he's been practily falling down. I've told some of the others that work at the store that we need to keep an eye on him so he doesn't do this. I like that he takes his job seriously but he won't be much use if he works himself to death.

Update on random trans stuff in my life

Sometime I wonder if I really ready to live as a woman.

I read other transwomen's blogs. They talk about dressing in women's clothes and wearing makeup before going fulltime. I don't do either of these things. I know that these don't make one a woman but they seem like a right of passage that I'm missing out on.

But it doesn't really matter if I 'miss out' on these 'rights of passage.' I'm finding my own way. Becoming who I really am. I know that I'm not a man. Being called he or sir just feels so wrong while being she or ma'am feels right.

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Yesterday I was going to talk to my crew about how the store has not been getting as clean as it should. To end off the talk I was going to say, "I don't want to be a bitch about this but if I have to I will be."(I'm very easy going at work, so long as people are working.) I thought about replacing bitch with bastard but it felt wrong to refer to myself with a derogatory male word like that so I dropped the line.

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Let me tell what happened yesterday.

Yesterday a man walked up to the counter and ordered some cookies and called me ma'am. I got his order, rang him up, took his money, made change and thanked him for his business. Then he asked about his drink. I had missed it when he told me his order, I apologized and got it for him. He paid for it and thanked me one more time and called me ma'am. He saw me as a woman from when he walked up to the counter to when he left.

Can I take a second to say that I'm not out at work, my name tag says Gil and I don't feel like I act very feminine. He may have been visually impaired. I saw him fumble some glasses into a pocket before reaching the counter but I spoke to him in what I think is my normal voice a few times which usually tips people off when my appearance doesn't. Despite all this he saw me as a woman. Yeah me!

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This week on one of my days off I'm going to see about scheduling an electrolysis appointment.

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I think I need to come out at work. I'm like a heartbeat away from being promoted to assistant manager. My manager has already started referring to me as an assistant manager. It's scary but I think everything will work out fine.

Earrings and more job news

For like the past two days I've been thinking about doing this. Finnally today I got my rear in gear and got to the mall about half an hour before my shift started and got my ears pierced with a set of 14k white gold ball studs.

Here's a picture, which once again is dark and grainy because my camera's flash doesn't work:


I personally don't like the look of regular yellow gold, preferring sterling sliver or in this case white gold. I also don't like diamond studs, they just don't seem very interesting so I got simple ball studs. Keep in mind when I say I don't like yellow gold or diamond studs I mean for myself to wear. On other people they look good but I just don't see myself wearing them.

I've wanted to pierce my ears for sometime now. What kept my from doing it? Presenting as a male means I have had to follow the male dress code at my jobs and without fail they say males are not allowed to wear earrings. Getting my ears pierced was impossible. The last time I was unemployed I thought about getting them pierced but decided to save the money for more important things like rent and food.

So why do it now? Well at my current job the manager is cool with everyone's piercings. We have two guys who regularly wear earrings and a couple of the girls wear two or more sets, a practice that is also frowned upon by most dress codes.

I went into work hair down so my new earrings were not too visable. Of course I had to put my hair back in a ponytail while getting into uniform. I decided to see how long it would take for someone to notice and say something about my earrings. Well only one person said anything though I'm sure everyone at least saw them.

I'm going to wait a little while before getting anymore piercings. I'm thinking about getting a second piercing in each earlobe and one through the each helix. I may get something like this for one of the helix piercings:



Or I might not. I haven't decided yet.

Ok job news. My manager has said he wants me to move up to an assistant manager position along side the current assistant manager we have left. I feel better about being promoted knowing that I'm not being promoted over someone else.

The other day he told me that the lead assistant who was fired was making like six dollars more an hour than me while doing basically the same job. This got me thinking that when I get promoted I will be getting a raise which may make if feasible for me to afford my own apartment without budgeting to the hilt. I may also be able to afford to get a car. Not some junker parked in front of someone's house but a nice used car off a lot.

Just thinking about these possibilities makes me feel a little lightheaded. Right now nothing is set in stone and I'm trying not to plan too far into the future. Several things could happen that result in me not getting promoted. One possible future that keeps running through my mind is me coming out as transgender and then being fired. I know it's not likely. Everything I know about my manager and my regional manager says that they would not fire me. And yet I can't stop thinking about it.