New hire/transgender issues

I'm back online after being cut off from my digital world due to a damaged phone jack. I've had a new one installed in a place where it is much less likely to be damaged. I'm still using my Wii to post but I have gotten a usb keyboard to type with.

The last couple of weeks were spent training the manager and assistant manager for the new pretzel store my company is opening in the next few weeks. I had a great time mainly due to the two to them being great people to work with and to teach.

This week I am again training someone but not for another store. This guy is not the first person that has been hired for my store but he is the first that I have personally hired. I've work with him before at a previous job so I wasn't just hiring blindly from an aplication. I've had one day with him so far and I think he's going to work out great.

I'm feeling more depressed lately about not coming out at work and in general life. Yesterday a man asked me what Gil was short for. He was ofcourse refering to my name tag. I hesitated and he went on to suggest some possible names, "Gillian, Gilligan, 'Jillian'" and a couple more female names. I was mildly stunned and was vague and didn't confirm anything.

I hesitated becaue I didn't want to say 'his' name(I've stated thinking of it as his name rather then my name, which is probably not a very mentally healthy thing to do). I cringe inside when my coworkers call me by his name. This is rare as they all call me Gil or Gilly, which I know is short for his name but it's also short for the name I've chosen for myself, Gillian.

My new hire saw my transgender symbol necklace and asked about it. I was able to deflect his question and change the subject but part of me wishes I didn't have to. I wish I could make this big issue a nonissue. I could by coming out. However (I've said it before and I may say it a hundred more times before I stop believing it), I'm afraid I'll lose everything. I'm afraid that my life is a card house and my coming out would be like a gust wind scattering it into disarray.

Work Update and a small story

School has started. How do I know this? I know this because the mall is like a ghost town. Which means sales are way down which means we've had to scale back our employee's hours a lot. In fact the past two night's I have worked the pretzel shop alone for the last few hours. It's not too bad cause the pretzel shop is connected to the cookie store so I can call across for help if I need it.

The cookie store has also been hit by the return of school. Tonight there were only three of us from 6pm, when I sent the other girl working on my side home, to close (about 9:30pm).

It's likely that we will lose a few employees due to cutting back their hours. My own job is secure as is my pay since I'm working for a set salary.

Storytime: So I was up front at my counter when a couple walked by. I said hello and smiled. They said hello back and said they were just looking and walked past toward the cookie counter. There was no one else nearby so I walked into the back room to get a clean towel. My manager was walking back to the front and as he exited the back he called back to me that I had costumers. I hurried back and heard him say, "Gilly will be right back." I saw it was the couple that had just walked by. The woman then said something to the effect of, "Oh that's ok he..She was just here." I walked up while she was saying this and was standing in front of her when she made the correction. I said nothing about being called 'she.' I think I caught my manager give me a look for not saying anything, out of the corner of my eye.

I like being called she. It feels right. Usually people who call me she "correct" themselves and apologize even though I don't say anything. I'm up in air as to why she corrected herself from he to she. Was it based on my appearance? Did being called Gilly trip her pronoun flag? Did she miss hear Gilly as Lilly? In the end it doesn't really matter but it does makes me wonder.

And then there is the matter of my boss. I've not told him that I'm transgender or that I'm planing on transitioning. I think he might suspect something but he respects personal boundaries and won't say anything unless it effects my job in some way. So ultimately no real change there for now.

Random update

Yesterday something strange but pleasant happened. One of my employees referred to me as she repeatably during the day. It was strange because she hasn't done it before and I'm not out to her as trans but for some reason yesterday she kept saying she. This felt nice even if she did correct herself about half the time. It was kind like a preview of what's to come.

In other news I have decided to move out of the apartment I share with my sister and her kids in Sept. This will give me a month to get everything in order. I've made the decision but haven't told my sister yet. I haven't even told her about my raise yet. I don't know why I haven't.

I told my parents the other day about how I was now working on a salary. They weren't very excited. They expressed concerns that the company might ask me to work a lot of extra hours. I will have to work a minimum of 45 hours a week but I've already been working those kinds of hours so thats not a problem. I think they might be worried that I'm settling for a 'lesser' job. In other words, they think I should be doing something more important.

At one point in my life I might have agreed with them. Lately I've been asking myself, "Are you happy doing the work you are doing?" and the answer is yes. I am happy here doing the work that I do. I know that in the grand scheme of things running a pretzel shop is not very important. But we serve a purpose in the day to day lives of those that come to the mall and those that work in the mall. Until cheap robot workers can be made to take over mundane jobs, like making pretzels, leaving the human race to gaze intently at their navels all day, someone has to do it. And I don't see why it shouldn't be me.

We're open for business!

We started late after having some problems with a mixer and the ovens but at 4pm we were rolling pretzels and by 4:30pm we were selling them to the line of people that didn't stop for two hours. I feel happy.

Sleep now cause tomorrow is going to be a long and busy day.

Update

The past few days I've started writing a post and then half way through it I just feel like it's just meaningless drivel. So I'm keeping this real short.

So I've been back home for a few days now. I learned plenty and can't wait to open the pretzel store here.

More and more I feel like I need to come out at work.

I put the AC on the window and am now enjoying the coolness at nights.

Um not much else going on. I'll try to update againg before the end of the week.

Here in Beaumont

I am currently enjoying the free wireless Fairfield Inn provides it's guests.

I and another employee from the store rode up with our regional manager. The drive up was mostly uneventful except for the two near accidents we had. First right outside of Victoria a man almost ran us off the road when he changed lanes right in front of us. We were in his blind spot but he should have looked before changing lanes. Later outside of Houston we were following a big truck and noticed papers flying out of the back occasionally. Suddenly an entire trash bag flew out and landed in front of the car. With no time to swerve at all my manager ran over the bag. When I looked back I didn't see the bag so we pulled over to free the bag. The act of stopping freed the bag and then we were on our way.

After checking in to our hotel we went to the mall the pretzel store we are going to be training at is in. L(the other employee from my store) and I only stayed a couple of hours before leaving to get something from the food court. We then walked around for a little while before meeting back up with C(our regional manager) and coming back to the hotel. Tomorrow the three of us will be running the pretzel store by ourselves.

Not much else going on at the moment. See ya later.

Oh yeah, according to everyone around me I have not stopped smiling all day.

Pretzel Training Trip Is A Go

So on Monday I and another employee, who has not been determined yet, will leave with our regional manager to Houston and return on Thursday as pretzel making masters. I am very excited about this trip. I've never been on a trip like this where everything was paid for by the company I worked for. Of course I've never been an assistant manager about to be placed in charge of a new store either. I feel like I've reached a new level in the game of life.

I'm unsure if I'll have internet access while in Houston so this blog might go silent for the week. If that happens I'll keep a daily diary that I can post when I get back.

Work Update

Turns out that I will be going alone to Houston to learn how to make pretzels. Our regional manager decided that the cookie store couldn't do without both me and my manager. While I think she is wrong, I understand her not wanting to leave the store with less than half the management team. It hasn't been said but I think the reason I'm going is because I'll be the one actually running the pretzel store. I will have to teach my manager and anyone else that works there how to do everything. Suddenly I see several days of working opening to close until I have a well trained team. I see myself working to exhaustion. I see myself loving every moment.

I feel giddy at the thought of running a store by myself. I know that I'll still be answering to my manager but it's mostly going to be my show. This is something that I have never imagined happening.