New hire/transgender issues

I'm back online after being cut off from my digital world due to a damaged phone jack. I've had a new one installed in a place where it is much less likely to be damaged. I'm still using my Wii to post but I have gotten a usb keyboard to type with.

The last couple of weeks were spent training the manager and assistant manager for the new pretzel store my company is opening in the next few weeks. I had a great time mainly due to the two to them being great people to work with and to teach.

This week I am again training someone but not for another store. This guy is not the first person that has been hired for my store but he is the first that I have personally hired. I've work with him before at a previous job so I wasn't just hiring blindly from an aplication. I've had one day with him so far and I think he's going to work out great.

I'm feeling more depressed lately about not coming out at work and in general life. Yesterday a man asked me what Gil was short for. He was ofcourse refering to my name tag. I hesitated and he went on to suggest some possible names, "Gillian, Gilligan, 'Jillian'" and a couple more female names. I was mildly stunned and was vague and didn't confirm anything.

I hesitated becaue I didn't want to say 'his' name(I've stated thinking of it as his name rather then my name, which is probably not a very mentally healthy thing to do). I cringe inside when my coworkers call me by his name. This is rare as they all call me Gil or Gilly, which I know is short for his name but it's also short for the name I've chosen for myself, Gillian.

My new hire saw my transgender symbol necklace and asked about it. I was able to deflect his question and change the subject but part of me wishes I didn't have to. I wish I could make this big issue a nonissue. I could by coming out. However (I've said it before and I may say it a hundred more times before I stop believing it), I'm afraid I'll lose everything. I'm afraid that my life is a card house and my coming out would be like a gust wind scattering it into disarray.

Work Update and a small story

School has started. How do I know this? I know this because the mall is like a ghost town. Which means sales are way down which means we've had to scale back our employee's hours a lot. In fact the past two night's I have worked the pretzel shop alone for the last few hours. It's not too bad cause the pretzel shop is connected to the cookie store so I can call across for help if I need it.

The cookie store has also been hit by the return of school. Tonight there were only three of us from 6pm, when I sent the other girl working on my side home, to close (about 9:30pm).

It's likely that we will lose a few employees due to cutting back their hours. My own job is secure as is my pay since I'm working for a set salary.

Storytime: So I was up front at my counter when a couple walked by. I said hello and smiled. They said hello back and said they were just looking and walked past toward the cookie counter. There was no one else nearby so I walked into the back room to get a clean towel. My manager was walking back to the front and as he exited the back he called back to me that I had costumers. I hurried back and heard him say, "Gilly will be right back." I saw it was the couple that had just walked by. The woman then said something to the effect of, "Oh that's ok he..She was just here." I walked up while she was saying this and was standing in front of her when she made the correction. I said nothing about being called 'she.' I think I caught my manager give me a look for not saying anything, out of the corner of my eye.

I like being called she. It feels right. Usually people who call me she "correct" themselves and apologize even though I don't say anything. I'm up in air as to why she corrected herself from he to she. Was it based on my appearance? Did being called Gilly trip her pronoun flag? Did she miss hear Gilly as Lilly? In the end it doesn't really matter but it does makes me wonder.

And then there is the matter of my boss. I've not told him that I'm transgender or that I'm planing on transitioning. I think he might suspect something but he respects personal boundaries and won't say anything unless it effects my job in some way. So ultimately no real change there for now.

Random update

Yesterday something strange but pleasant happened. One of my employees referred to me as she repeatably during the day. It was strange because she hasn't done it before and I'm not out to her as trans but for some reason yesterday she kept saying she. This felt nice even if she did correct herself about half the time. It was kind like a preview of what's to come.

In other news I have decided to move out of the apartment I share with my sister and her kids in Sept. This will give me a month to get everything in order. I've made the decision but haven't told my sister yet. I haven't even told her about my raise yet. I don't know why I haven't.

I told my parents the other day about how I was now working on a salary. They weren't very excited. They expressed concerns that the company might ask me to work a lot of extra hours. I will have to work a minimum of 45 hours a week but I've already been working those kinds of hours so thats not a problem. I think they might be worried that I'm settling for a 'lesser' job. In other words, they think I should be doing something more important.

At one point in my life I might have agreed with them. Lately I've been asking myself, "Are you happy doing the work you are doing?" and the answer is yes. I am happy here doing the work that I do. I know that in the grand scheme of things running a pretzel shop is not very important. But we serve a purpose in the day to day lives of those that come to the mall and those that work in the mall. Until cheap robot workers can be made to take over mundane jobs, like making pretzels, leaving the human race to gaze intently at their navels all day, someone has to do it. And I don't see why it shouldn't be me.

Fired a guy today

I fired an employee today. I don't know how I feel about it.

On one hand he was a good kid. He was polite, respectful, and obedient. On the other hand he spent a lot of time just standing around even after we explained to him that he needed to stay busy. My manager has been wanting to fire him for about three days. I've been holding him off trying to give the guy a chance. I tried to keep him busy hoping he would pick up on staying busy. Today I put him on rolling and baking pretzels. He did good at rolling them out and twisting them into shape. He was a little slow but that would have changed with practice. But when I stopped telling him what we needed baked he stopped baking. This bothered me but I think what finally tipped the scales was I saw my other employee getting frazzled because he wasn't helping her enough during a rush.

Did I do the right thing? Could I have trained him better? Was I too lenient? These questions tug at my mind. I am not really bothered by them though. I made what I hoped was the best decision for my store and employees.

Pretzel Training Trip Is A Go

So on Monday I and another employee, who has not been determined yet, will leave with our regional manager to Houston and return on Thursday as pretzel making masters. I am very excited about this trip. I've never been on a trip like this where everything was paid for by the company I worked for. Of course I've never been an assistant manager about to be placed in charge of a new store either. I feel like I've reached a new level in the game of life.

I'm unsure if I'll have internet access while in Houston so this blog might go silent for the week. If that happens I'll keep a daily diary that I can post when I get back.

Employee trouble

Today I had two employees not show up for work.

One didn't call in. I left a message on his voice mail but did not get a call back. A no call, no show is usually an automatic dismissal. I know that sometimes things happen so I'm marking him in my mind as a possible fire. Until I find out why he wasn't at work I won't say he is going to be fired.

The other is almost definitely fired. Her story began Friday when she didn't show up to work and had a friend call to tell us she was going out of town. As another my lead said the only time anyone should call into work for you is if you're in the hospital, some exceptions made for extreme illness that does not lead to hospitalization.

This morning she called to tell me she was going to be late cause she was coming from out of town. Six hours later, five hours into her shift she called to tell me she was back in town. I can't remember what exactly I or she said but I do remember getting the feeling that she didn't want to go into work. I thought about it for a second and decided that the team I had at the moment was strong enough to carry through closing, so I told her not to come in.

Now I didn't tell her not to come in because she didn't want to, I told her because right then I didn't want her to come in. If she had just come in I would have let her work the rest of her shift but to call and basicaly ask to skip work isn't acceptable. She was a good employee and coworker but I just don't see how she can come back from this.

Work Update

Turns out that I will be going alone to Houston to learn how to make pretzels. Our regional manager decided that the cookie store couldn't do without both me and my manager. While I think she is wrong, I understand her not wanting to leave the store with less than half the management team. It hasn't been said but I think the reason I'm going is because I'll be the one actually running the pretzel store. I will have to teach my manager and anyone else that works there how to do everything. Suddenly I see several days of working opening to close until I have a well trained team. I see myself working to exhaustion. I see myself loving every moment.

I feel giddy at the thought of running a store by myself. I know that I'll still be answering to my manager but it's mostly going to be my show. This is something that I have never imagined happening.

Stopping HRT

I have decided to stop taking the hormones I have self prescribed. I feel foolish for not having stopped sooner. Since I started noticing that I was frequently fatigued for no reason, had occasional lightheaded moments and see spots most times I stand up, I have not once considered that the hormones I was taking might be to blame. I'm still not convinced they are but it'll be one less variable for any doctor to consider.

My plan is after my insurance kicks in, I will go to see a doctor about the fatigue, lightheadedness, and seeing spots most times I stand up. Once that is under control or concurrent with that treatment I want to begin the process of transitioning under medical supervision.

As always I'm worried that my job will be forfeit but not really. I'm feeling a bit of job security lately as I grow into my new manager role. I honestly think I will have little to no problems with my manager or regional manager when(Yes, when not if. I can no longer deny that I need to transition for my own sanity.) I transition.

On Wanting To Go Home

I think I really really need to tell my sister I want to move out.

It's hard for me to admit even to myself that I really want to move out but tonight I had a bit of a rough night at work and all I wanted to do was go home, strip, pop the top on a can of soda, sit in a comfy chair and eat sushi with the telly on. Instead I came home, quietly slipped through the living room/sister's bedroom and ate sushi in my room laying on my bed cause I don't have room in my room for a chair. Well I do have room if I don't mind not having room to walk around. I almost walked up to one of the hotels near the highway and got a room instead of coming home. It's very telling to me that I was almost dreading coming home.

About the rough night at work. It wasn't really bad, just I had an employee complaining about another employee and it just ate at me. I should have put a stop to it but I didn't. I tried once to counter her complaints, which I felt were unfounded but she didn't listen to me. I feel like I failed in managing this problem. Later she did something else and I jumped on her a bit about it, more than I should have because of her she had acted earlier. I'm not sure what I should do.

Someone(you know who you are) told me that I should be the kind of manager I would want to be my manager. Still not quite sure but I have a feeling for what I should do.

Guitar Hero / Work News

I bought Guitar Hero World Tour with a guitar controller. I also picked up Guitar Hero 3 cause it was marked down to $10. So far I've only been playing on easy to reawaken my feeble skills and have been 4 to 5 staring songs. I even managed to play perfectly through "What I've Done" by Linkin' Park on my first try. Truly an awesome moment for me since I've only managed to play one other song perfectly and that was after many attempts and it was the easiest song of Guitar Hero 2.

In other news I stopped by the cookie store to get a drink and had a little chat with my manager. He told me the regional manager had come by and talked to him about what is going to happen when they remodel the store and add the pretzel shop. In a nut shell he'll be manager of both, our current assistant manager will be in charge of the cookie store, I will be promoted to assistant manager and the pretzel shop will be mine. No raise right away but my manager is pressuring them. So here's hoping.

This week has just not been a good blogging or writing week. I thought I'd whip up a quick post.

First good news. I am typing this on my new Eee Aeus. So far I'm loving it. It is totally walk around the house portable. Small and light enough to easily carry one handed. My last laptop was a monster with a 17 inch screen. It was nice to look at and use but not easy to move around unless holding it with both hands and braced against some other body part. The ten inch screen on this gem is smaller than I'm used to but not to small to be annoying. It cost me $349 plus tax.

Second more good news. My store is part of a group of stores which was in competition with other groups of stores during the first quarter of this year and our group of stores won. And as part of the management team I got a larger bonus which just about covered the cost of my netbook.

Third good and bad news. I'm going to be getting health insurance through my store which they don't offer to regular employees just management, which I am in the eyes of my manager but not yet in the eyes of the company. The regional manager is going to push it through to get me health insurance. Now on to why I need heath insurance. Basically I be or may be becoming diabetic. It runs in my family and I really don't eat right or exercise enough so if I am it's my own fault. But my symptoms(dizziness, lightheadedness, difficulty remembering words, fatigue and tiredness not linked to lack of sleep) might be something else so I'll glad that I'm going to be able to get medical care.

Fourth good news. Our cat Tinkerbell started giving birth while I was writing this. So far two have come out but we think there will be more.

Thats all for now.

Tonight I am drinking wine, read to find out why

This is going to be short. Today I was the manager on duty. The only manager. I think this is the first time I've ever worked open to close on a Sunday as a manager. I was a little bit scared but felt confident that I could handle it. And the day went pretty smooth.

I opened the store with two employees. They set up the store while I decorated the mornings cakes. I had a bit of a fright when a few hundred people walked into the mall all at once. I found out by asking one that they were a group from Georgia. Thinking that if even a fourth of them decided to buy a cookie I would be in danger of running out of cookies, I started baking more cookies. I don't know what happened to those people, I never saw them leave so I guess they left through another exit.

Luckily for us a group of dancers was putting on a show right near the cookie shop so we still got a boost in sales. We never ran out of cookies, costumers were served in a timely manner, all cookie cakes were decorated and picked up on time, I made the cheesecake brownies for tomorrow, and rolled out enough cakes for tomorrow. I counted the drawers and they were a few cents over.

Everything was perfect. (Let me stop here for a second and say that is the day was perfect it was because the people(most still in high school) I worked with made it that way. If my crew were not great employees today could have sucked but it didn't because they are some of the best workers I have known.) Then I counted the deposit and came up ten dollars short.

I recounted the drawers. I checked the safe. I recounted the deposit. I counted the drawers. I counted the deposit again. I added everything up on the calculator to check the excel spreadsheet we use add up everything. I asked an employee to watch me as I recounted everything again to make sure I wasn't just making the same mistake over and over again.

After about twenty minutes I figured out the cash in the deposit was correct. The missing ten dollars was in the coinage. This makes no sense. There is no way for ten dollars in coins to be missing from the deposit. There is never more than two or three dollars in coins in the deposit. I called my manager told him about the shortage and left the deposit for him to check in the morning. I left work about forty-five minutes later than I should have. Forty-five minutes of trying to find impossible ten dollars in coins.

This has left me a little frazzled. It isn't the shortage that has me frazzled. I've been short before. It the way we're short that has me upset. It's just not possible for the deposit to be short ten dollars in coins. I don't normally drink alcohol. But tonight I'm stressed out about those ten dollars so I'm drinking some wine, not a lot, just enough to relax me. I'm going to cue up the first season of Torchwood and drink a little more and probably fall asleep early, which is why I'm writing this now instead of later.

Hmm that wasn't nearly as short as I thought it would be. Oh well, Captain Jack Harkness awaits.

Oh yeah Part 9 of "Am I Memorex?" will be up later on Gillian's Fiction at it's normal 1 AM time slot.

Promotion news

Well today my boss filled me in on what is going on with my promotion. The cookie store is going to be remodeled and a pretzel shop, which is run by the same parent company, put in next door. The pretzel shop will be a separate business but be managed by my manager. I've been told that when this comes to pass I will be promoted to assistant manager and possibly be placed in charge of the pretzel shop or the other assistant manager will be put over the pretzel shop and I'll be kept at the cookie store.

So seems that I'll have to wait a little while before I get officially promoted, unofficially I'm already an assistant manager. I will be getting a change in title from team leader to shift supervisor. This change is partly for show and partly to keep me a symbolic level above the other team leaders he wants to install in the hierarchy.

I've started reading Palimpsest. In a word this book is intoxicating. I feel drawn into the world of Palimpsest. I'm still discovering this world but when I'm done I'll have a review until then trust me when I say this book is good.

Update on random trans stuff in my life

Sometime I wonder if I really ready to live as a woman.

I read other transwomen's blogs. They talk about dressing in women's clothes and wearing makeup before going fulltime. I don't do either of these things. I know that these don't make one a woman but they seem like a right of passage that I'm missing out on.

But it doesn't really matter if I 'miss out' on these 'rights of passage.' I'm finding my own way. Becoming who I really am. I know that I'm not a man. Being called he or sir just feels so wrong while being she or ma'am feels right.

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Yesterday I was going to talk to my crew about how the store has not been getting as clean as it should. To end off the talk I was going to say, "I don't want to be a bitch about this but if I have to I will be."(I'm very easy going at work, so long as people are working.) I thought about replacing bitch with bastard but it felt wrong to refer to myself with a derogatory male word like that so I dropped the line.

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Let me tell what happened yesterday.

Yesterday a man walked up to the counter and ordered some cookies and called me ma'am. I got his order, rang him up, took his money, made change and thanked him for his business. Then he asked about his drink. I had missed it when he told me his order, I apologized and got it for him. He paid for it and thanked me one more time and called me ma'am. He saw me as a woman from when he walked up to the counter to when he left.

Can I take a second to say that I'm not out at work, my name tag says Gil and I don't feel like I act very feminine. He may have been visually impaired. I saw him fumble some glasses into a pocket before reaching the counter but I spoke to him in what I think is my normal voice a few times which usually tips people off when my appearance doesn't. Despite all this he saw me as a woman. Yeah me!

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This week on one of my days off I'm going to see about scheduling an electrolysis appointment.

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I think I need to come out at work. I'm like a heartbeat away from being promoted to assistant manager. My manager has already started referring to me as an assistant manager. It's scary but I think everything will work out fine.

Earrings and more job news

For like the past two days I've been thinking about doing this. Finnally today I got my rear in gear and got to the mall about half an hour before my shift started and got my ears pierced with a set of 14k white gold ball studs.

Here's a picture, which once again is dark and grainy because my camera's flash doesn't work:


I personally don't like the look of regular yellow gold, preferring sterling sliver or in this case white gold. I also don't like diamond studs, they just don't seem very interesting so I got simple ball studs. Keep in mind when I say I don't like yellow gold or diamond studs I mean for myself to wear. On other people they look good but I just don't see myself wearing them.

I've wanted to pierce my ears for sometime now. What kept my from doing it? Presenting as a male means I have had to follow the male dress code at my jobs and without fail they say males are not allowed to wear earrings. Getting my ears pierced was impossible. The last time I was unemployed I thought about getting them pierced but decided to save the money for more important things like rent and food.

So why do it now? Well at my current job the manager is cool with everyone's piercings. We have two guys who regularly wear earrings and a couple of the girls wear two or more sets, a practice that is also frowned upon by most dress codes.

I went into work hair down so my new earrings were not too visable. Of course I had to put my hair back in a ponytail while getting into uniform. I decided to see how long it would take for someone to notice and say something about my earrings. Well only one person said anything though I'm sure everyone at least saw them.

I'm going to wait a little while before getting anymore piercings. I'm thinking about getting a second piercing in each earlobe and one through the each helix. I may get something like this for one of the helix piercings:



Or I might not. I haven't decided yet.

Ok job news. My manager has said he wants me to move up to an assistant manager position along side the current assistant manager we have left. I feel better about being promoted knowing that I'm not being promoted over someone else.

The other day he told me that the lead assistant who was fired was making like six dollars more an hour than me while doing basically the same job. This got me thinking that when I get promoted I will be getting a raise which may make if feasible for me to afford my own apartment without budgeting to the hilt. I may also be able to afford to get a car. Not some junker parked in front of someone's house but a nice used car off a lot.

Just thinking about these possibilities makes me feel a little lightheaded. Right now nothing is set in stone and I'm trying not to plan too far into the future. Several things could happen that result in me not getting promoted. One possible future that keeps running through my mind is me coming out as transgender and then being fired. I know it's not likely. Everything I know about my manager and my regional manager says that they would not fire me. And yet I can't stop thinking about it.

Work News

The lead assistant manager at my work has been fired. There were a number of reasons, some I wasn't aware of, none of which I will discuss here, for her being fired. What exactly this means for me I'm not sure. I'm now effectively third in the chain of command. Our regional manager might hire someone to replace her or I might be getting promoted to assistant manager.

More to come as it happens.

Work politics

Oh boy. My manager basicly said to me, "You're next in line to be lead assistant manager as soon as we get rid of the one we have now." He didn't say that exactly but he implied it heavily.

Now I have a couple of issues with being told this.
1. I dislike the idea that he wants to get rid of her to promote me.
2. The current chain of command goes Manager>Lead Assistant Manager>Assistant Manager>Team Leader(me). So he has implied that he wants to get rid of the current lead assistant manager and promote me over the current assistant manager. This just seems wrong to me.

Both of them are competent in their positions. Both of them are preforming their jobs at the best of their abilities. I can not think of a good reason why he wants to leap frog me up the chain of command.

No wait, I can think of one reason but god I hope it isn't the reason. Both the assistant manager and lead assistant manager are women. God, I hope he isn't thinking of promoting me so "the men" would be in charge. If I found out that was his motivation for wanting to promote me I would have to quit. Not think about quiting or consider quiting. I would just quit.

You know when I was just an employee I didn't have to deal with stuff like this.

Ten random things

A friend mentioned I hadn't posted anything recently. I have had a lot of things I want to post about but like no energy to write about them. I meant to make this post last night but I ended up catching up with the blogs I follow and made several comments but no post here. So real quick here are ten random things I'm thinking about or that have happened to me recently.

1. Opened a savings account. I'm a 27 almost 28. It's been about seven years since I had a savings account. I haven't felt this secure about money for a long time.

2. I'm thinking of getting this.

3. I need keys to the store I work at. As someone who closes and locks up about two or three times a week I need to have them. I may kidnap my boss's keys and make copies tomorrow.

4. I intend to go see Watchmen. I read the graphic novel years ago I really liked it but haven't read it since. I glanced through a copy at the bookstore in the mall and it was as good as I remembered it being.

5. I finished Braid. The ending makes you think about lots of things that I need to write into a seperate post.

6. I've started watching tv again in a bit of an experiment.

7. I saw a bit of the new Real World on MTV. I've never really been a fan of the show. I accidently selected it in the program guide. It popped on screen while I selected what I really wanted to watch. I changed the channel pretty quickly but not before hearing, "..mantain vaginal depth.." In about half a second I remembered that I had read about there being a transwoman on the show. I changed it back and watched the rest of the show. I might keep watching it just for her but the preview for next episode shows her talking about leaving because she can't pay her rent.

8. I'm trying to decide what I want to do about my twitter. I don't use it very often and I've almost stopped reading the tweets of those I follow but there are a few people I don't have any other contact for and wouldn't want to not know them.

9. I'm having trouble writing the story I started in the Storytime posts. I have this idea of what story I want to tell but its like this shape in my mind. I can see all of it but I can't see the shapes that make it up.

10. I just watched this again and downloaded it so I can have a copy. It's Neil Gaiman reading some stories from his book Fragile Things and answering questions. I know I've posted it before on my LJ but I haven't posted it here and Neil is an exelent speaker and reader.

So thats ten things and now I need to hurry to not be late to work.

Bye and lots of hugs to my readers.

Girls with Slingshots / Work News and Thoughts

Today I arrived home to find a padded envolope waiting for me. I wondered who I knew in West Virgina as I read the return address. Throwing caution to the wind I tore open the end and discovered these inside:



I think I squeed with glee. My buttons from Girls With Slingshots had arrived. I wasted no time in attaching them to my backpack. When I get batteries for my camera, I'll be sure to post a pic. Until then just take my word that they look cool and not at all dorky.

Ah yes you might be wondering what is Girls With Slingshots. Well GWS(as much as I love the title it's a bit long to type it out everytime) is a web comic created by Danielle Corsetto. All you really need to know about GWS is that it's funny smart and at times sexy. I read through the entire archive in one sitting one night. This comic has comedy, romance, adventure and an Irish talking cactus. Let me say that again: It has an Talking Irish Cactus. What are you wanting for:



Trust me you won't regret it.

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And now on to the other topic I wanted to cover my job.

So tonight my manager and I were talking and I'm not sure how we got on the subject but he told me if the lead assistant manager left he would recommend me for that position. I was a bit shocked and really didn't know what to say so I just kind of pretended he hadn't had said it.

Lately he's been giving me tips on how to manage, on delegating tasks and how best to order employees around without really ordering them around. He wants me to stand back more and let my crew do more of the work while I supervise. I find this very hard to do. I'm not used to doing nothing while everyone else works. I find myself becoming very uneasy if I don't do something.

I've never wanted to be in charge of other people. I never wanted the reponsibility. But the last two months has seen me leap from being a new hire to being fourth in the chain of command. I did not seek to be promoted but when the chance appeared I jumped at it. It makes me a little light headed to think I've come farther in a few months than I did in four years at my previous job.