9-14-11

Last week I noticed myself taking caffeine pills to counteract depression induced fatigue and to improve my concentration so I didn't lope off a finger at work.  Over the weekend I did some basic research into long term effects of caffeine and side effects.  Basically caffeine not only gives you a shot of energy it also works as an antidepressant.

Which means I've been self medicating for my depression.  I'm not taking caffeine pills on a daily basis; just when I really feel overwhelmed at work by my depression.  I'm concerned about long term effects of taking a larger than normal amount of caffeine in but it helps.  The right dose can turn me from a ball of self hate ready to slice my wrists the next time I pick up a knife to a normal feeling person.  Not overly happy just even kneeled.

Another effect I've noticed is that on days that I take the caffeine; I can write.  I can think about the stories I want to write and make progress on them.  I can world build and character sketch in my head like no one's business.  Other days that I soldier on without I can't.  Its the antidepressant effect that frees more of my mind from just keeping myself from killing that is making it easier to write on those days.

I don't quite know what to do.  On one hand its not entirely health to ingest on a semi regular basis the amounts of caffeine I've been taking.  On the other it makes it possible for me to work on my worst days which have been getting worse and it makes it possible for me to write.  This being able to write to dream of other places while awake is what makes it so hard to say that I should stop.

Gilly

5-31-11

It's been three weeks since I last posted anything, mostly due to my depression.

I'm moving out of the one bedroom apt I moved into at the beginning of the month.  I'm moving into a two bedroom with a friend of a friend who needed a roommate because her's was getting married and moving out.  I'm moving in tomorrow in fact.  It's kind of scary but I think it will better for me than living alone.  Also the rent will be cheaper and we will have internet, something I have been missing at home.

Really just wanted to check in after being gone for so long.  Maybe now that I'll have internet at home I'll post more often.

~Gilly

The following is for my own benefit so if I need to remember what happened on this day I can.

HEALTH NOTE:  Last night I got to bed late.  This morning I took a 200mg caffeine pill along with two Excedrin on my way to work(7:30 ish).  Shortly after I got to work they kicked in and I entered a hypomanic state which is what I intended to happen.  Later around 9:30 my mouth began to water and I felt a very strong urge to vomit.  I made it to the bathroom and dry heaved a couple of times(I had not eaten anything since the night before) before vomiting acid and some black specks(internet research suggests this may have been blood).  I continued to feel sick for another hour before feeling like I had to vomit again.  This second vomit was the same as the first.  Again I continued to feel sick afterwards.  Around 12:00-12:30 I once more felt the strong urge to vomit.  I was working cash and fought off the urge.  Manager noticed I was a little off, I said my stomache was upset, he offered me some pepto bismo which I took.  I began to feel better but still a little sick.  Finished my shift without feeling like I had to vomit again.  I ate a sandwich which seems to have helped a little.  Black specks(blood) were of a very small amount.  Will watch for reoccurrence.

Random update

First good news. I will be going with my manager to Houston for four days to learn how to make pretzels. My manager had told me that he was going but he wasn't sure if I was too. Today the regional manager mentioned it and confirmed that I would be going as well.

Ok now some less than good news. I am starting to feel the effects of stopping HRT. I'm feeling emotionally unstable and slightly more depressive. Also my sex drive is returning to pre-HRT levels which I find unpleasant. I might be trading physical health for mental health.

I managed to stave off a good bit of 'day off blues' by getting out of the house yesterday. I cashed my check and then walked to Hastings. I sat and read for a little while until I started getting hungry. So I left Hastings and walked next door to Quiznos and ate a sandwich and cup of soup. Afterwards I rode the bus to Walmart where I hoped to find a new backpack. I like the design of the one I just want one a little bigger. There weren't any of the same type as the one I have but I did find a cheap collapsible 20" duffel bag, which I thought would be good for taking large loads to the laundromat but will also serve me well as a make do suitcase for my upcoming trip. I, also, bought some cat food and kitten food, which I carried home in the duffel. Once home I checked a few things online and then watched a couple of movies before going to sleep.

I've recently realized that I might not like the tv show Heroes any more. I'm about 20 episodes behind and really don't feel the urge to get caught up. I'm a little saddened to think the show is no longer interesting to me.

Stopping HRT

I have decided to stop taking the hormones I have self prescribed. I feel foolish for not having stopped sooner. Since I started noticing that I was frequently fatigued for no reason, had occasional lightheaded moments and see spots most times I stand up, I have not once considered that the hormones I was taking might be to blame. I'm still not convinced they are but it'll be one less variable for any doctor to consider.

My plan is after my insurance kicks in, I will go to see a doctor about the fatigue, lightheadedness, and seeing spots most times I stand up. Once that is under control or concurrent with that treatment I want to begin the process of transitioning under medical supervision.

As always I'm worried that my job will be forfeit but not really. I'm feeling a bit of job security lately as I grow into my new manager role. I honestly think I will have little to no problems with my manager or regional manager when(Yes, when not if. I can no longer deny that I need to transition for my own sanity.) I transition.

Health insurance/depression update

Ok I've had one of those weird brain spasms where that thing that made no sense, now makes sense. So I've decide to get the insurance through my work. I'm going to be getting the plan that costs less per month but has the higher deductible.

I have been wondering how I will deal with going to the doctor for my current health problems. Specifically am I going to tell him I'm transgender and selfmedicating? Of course I absolutely should tell him but I don't know if I will be able to. I mean I don't know if I will be able to work up the courage to tell a complete stranger things that I have largely kept hidden. A thought just popped into my head that I could write a short letter and hand it to him. While still scary it would be less difficult for me to hand over a piece of paper than to say it out loud.

In other news I am feeling shitty. I have this ever persent feeling that things are going horrible wrong in my life. When I stop and take stock I find nothing to worry about, this does not rid me of the feeling. I'm forcing myself to keep moving forward.

Closing this off here. I need to get up early tomorrow so I can take my netbook back to where I bought it and see if they can do anything about the fact my speakers have stopped working.

This week has just not been a good blogging or writing week. I thought I'd whip up a quick post.

First good news. I am typing this on my new Eee Aeus. So far I'm loving it. It is totally walk around the house portable. Small and light enough to easily carry one handed. My last laptop was a monster with a 17 inch screen. It was nice to look at and use but not easy to move around unless holding it with both hands and braced against some other body part. The ten inch screen on this gem is smaller than I'm used to but not to small to be annoying. It cost me $349 plus tax.

Second more good news. My store is part of a group of stores which was in competition with other groups of stores during the first quarter of this year and our group of stores won. And as part of the management team I got a larger bonus which just about covered the cost of my netbook.

Third good and bad news. I'm going to be getting health insurance through my store which they don't offer to regular employees just management, which I am in the eyes of my manager but not yet in the eyes of the company. The regional manager is going to push it through to get me health insurance. Now on to why I need heath insurance. Basically I be or may be becoming diabetic. It runs in my family and I really don't eat right or exercise enough so if I am it's my own fault. But my symptoms(dizziness, lightheadedness, difficulty remembering words, fatigue and tiredness not linked to lack of sleep) might be something else so I'll glad that I'm going to be able to get medical care.

Fourth good news. Our cat Tinkerbell started giving birth while I was writing this. So far two have come out but we think there will be more.

Thats all for now.

Forgetting Words

I think I may have a problem.

I'm starting to forget words. Not permenatly. When I speak I sometimes forget the name for an item. If I stop for a minute it ussally comes to me eventully. If I don't stop all I can do is try to describe it. Like yesterday I want to tell a coworker to put a box in the broken refrigirater we use for storage and could not think of the word refrigirator. I wanted to say, "That box thats makes things cold but doesn't because it's broken." Instead I gestured at it and he figured it out.

It's a little bit scary because I can remember everything about the object, what it looks like, what it does, how you use it but not it's name. I know everyone has moments like these but they seem to be happening more often than I ever remember them happening.

Forgetting words like this is a warning sign of Alzheimer's. I don't have any of the other warning signs. Some other stuff I read suggests it might be something like brain damage but I haven't had any head injuries. I'm really scared that something isn't right.