Update 7-11-11

So my sister died last Saturday.  I'm not great but I'm dealing.  The worst thing is sometimes I forget and then I remember and it hurts like losing her the first time.

I'm getting along with my roommate.  Sometimes I feel weird being in the apt.  I feel out of place and like an intruder.  I stay in my room a lot.  I feel bad about staying in my room a lot like I'm being antisocial but some days I can't deal with being out of my room.

I restarted hrt on June 30 or July 1.

6-15-11

Ok so it's been two weeks since my move to my new to me apt which came with a roommate and three cats.  I'm still adapting to living in a new space.  I feel a little like an intruder since my roommate has been living here longer than me which makes me the new person.  I'm not saying I don't like my roommate cause I really do like her.  Yesterday she asked me if I wanted her to use male or female pronouns.  She's only the second person who has asked me that.  It made me feel like less of a freak(I know I'm not a freak but sometimes I feel like one).

Quick digression to the day I moved(June 1) : That day was the last day I had paid to be in my former apt and the first day I could move into my new apt so I had to move everything that day.  Luckily I hadn't moved much stuff from storage and had no furniture to move.  The friend who had introed me and my new roommate volunteered to help me move.  She picked me up after I got off work.  As she drove out of the parking lot of my work, she mentioned she had seen something I had posted on my facebook and asked me if I wanted her to refer to me as a woman.  She was the first person to ask me that.  I said yes and that was that.  The rest of the day when she had to refer to me in third person she said she or her.  I don't think anyone really caught on that she was doing that but I noticed and it made me feel like less of a freak(again I know I'm not really a freak but I still feel like one sometimes).

Back to the present:  This morning I was feeling mostly neutral.  Then while I was taking some meat up to the prep line I caught part of a conversation between two guys.  They were talking about a woman when one leaned close to the other and whispered, "She used to be a he."  I was kneeling next to them so it wasn't hard for me hear this.  The second guy then said, "Aww no one wants that."  I'm not sure if they said anything else because I kind of went away mentally for a minute while my body finished putting up the meat and walked to the back.  I tried to go back to work but I couldn't focus so I went to the bathroom and broke down for a few minutes.  After that the day was a little more bleak.

I wish I had been able to confront the guy about what he said but I couldn't.  As soon as he said what he said everything became fuzzy and I couldn't think.  The thing that really hurts is that this one of the few guys at work that I was on friendly terms.  Not that I'm enemies with the rest but I don't really talk to them either.  Part of me want's to go back tomorrow and confront him but I know that he won't remember what he said.  To me it was a triggering statement.  To him it was just a mindless comment.  Also I'm not out at work to the majority of my co-workers so I'd also have to out myself to him to explain why it hurt me so much.  The really sad thing was I was considering coming out to him but now I don't feel safe to do so.

Sorry to end on a depressing note but that's all I got for today,
~Gilly

5-31-11

It's been three weeks since I last posted anything, mostly due to my depression.

I'm moving out of the one bedroom apt I moved into at the beginning of the month.  I'm moving into a two bedroom with a friend of a friend who needed a roommate because her's was getting married and moving out.  I'm moving in tomorrow in fact.  It's kind of scary but I think it will better for me than living alone.  Also the rent will be cheaper and we will have internet, something I have been missing at home.

Really just wanted to check in after being gone for so long.  Maybe now that I'll have internet at home I'll post more often.

~Gilly

The following is for my own benefit so if I need to remember what happened on this day I can.

HEALTH NOTE:  Last night I got to bed late.  This morning I took a 200mg caffeine pill along with two Excedrin on my way to work(7:30 ish).  Shortly after I got to work they kicked in and I entered a hypomanic state which is what I intended to happen.  Later around 9:30 my mouth began to water and I felt a very strong urge to vomit.  I made it to the bathroom and dry heaved a couple of times(I had not eaten anything since the night before) before vomiting acid and some black specks(internet research suggests this may have been blood).  I continued to feel sick for another hour before feeling like I had to vomit again.  This second vomit was the same as the first.  Again I continued to feel sick afterwards.  Around 12:00-12:30 I once more felt the strong urge to vomit.  I was working cash and fought off the urge.  Manager noticed I was a little off, I said my stomache was upset, he offered me some pepto bismo which I took.  I began to feel better but still a little sick.  Finished my shift without feeling like I had to vomit again.  I ate a sandwich which seems to have helped a little.  Black specks(blood) were of a very small amount.  Will watch for reoccurrence.

4-26-11

Mood:  Today I feel okayish.  Almost neutral but I can feel an undercurrent of negative emotions in the back of my head.  Sunday after I got home from our family's Easter get together, I crashed emotionally, curled up on my bed and passed out for a couple of hours before getting up and taking my clothes to wash.

Happenings:  I'm still working on the Film Club t-shirt.  I'm going to try to finalize the design tonight.  I'll be working on the film for Haven the rest of the week and weekend.  Part of me feels bad about waiting until the last two weeks before it needs to be done but it's hard for me to dedicate myself to a project that has too much time left before the deadline.

I met with the woman who's roommate is getting married and moving out.  We seem to be compatible as roommates and maybe friends in time.  The friend who recommended her to me came along to ease to awkwardness.  The three of us went on short nature walk, ate at Double Dave's and then saw African Cats.  So we ended up spending about seven hours together.

Media:  I've started playing Deadspace.  I'm playing about two hours a night.  So far the game is very good.

Writing:  I've given up on Script Frenzy.  I don't have the mental energy right now to do it.

~Gilly