6-15-11

Ok so it's been two weeks since my move to my new to me apt which came with a roommate and three cats.  I'm still adapting to living in a new space.  I feel a little like an intruder since my roommate has been living here longer than me which makes me the new person.  I'm not saying I don't like my roommate cause I really do like her.  Yesterday she asked me if I wanted her to use male or female pronouns.  She's only the second person who has asked me that.  It made me feel like less of a freak(I know I'm not a freak but sometimes I feel like one).

Quick digression to the day I moved(June 1) : That day was the last day I had paid to be in my former apt and the first day I could move into my new apt so I had to move everything that day.  Luckily I hadn't moved much stuff from storage and had no furniture to move.  The friend who had introed me and my new roommate volunteered to help me move.  She picked me up after I got off work.  As she drove out of the parking lot of my work, she mentioned she had seen something I had posted on my facebook and asked me if I wanted her to refer to me as a woman.  She was the first person to ask me that.  I said yes and that was that.  The rest of the day when she had to refer to me in third person she said she or her.  I don't think anyone really caught on that she was doing that but I noticed and it made me feel like less of a freak(again I know I'm not really a freak but I still feel like one sometimes).

Back to the present:  This morning I was feeling mostly neutral.  Then while I was taking some meat up to the prep line I caught part of a conversation between two guys.  They were talking about a woman when one leaned close to the other and whispered, "She used to be a he."  I was kneeling next to them so it wasn't hard for me hear this.  The second guy then said, "Aww no one wants that."  I'm not sure if they said anything else because I kind of went away mentally for a minute while my body finished putting up the meat and walked to the back.  I tried to go back to work but I couldn't focus so I went to the bathroom and broke down for a few minutes.  After that the day was a little more bleak.

I wish I had been able to confront the guy about what he said but I couldn't.  As soon as he said what he said everything became fuzzy and I couldn't think.  The thing that really hurts is that this one of the few guys at work that I was on friendly terms.  Not that I'm enemies with the rest but I don't really talk to them either.  Part of me want's to go back tomorrow and confront him but I know that he won't remember what he said.  To me it was a triggering statement.  To him it was just a mindless comment.  Also I'm not out at work to the majority of my co-workers so I'd also have to out myself to him to explain why it hurt me so much.  The really sad thing was I was considering coming out to him but now I don't feel safe to do so.

Sorry to end on a depressing note but that's all I got for today,
~Gilly

1-24-11

Mood: Feeling fine. A little emotionally numb but mostly fine.

Health: I've been a little gassy the past few days. Also experienced mild intestinal discomfort. I think this might be due to the addition of milk to my diet. The symptoms started after I bought a half gallon of milk. It's possible that I've become partly lactose intolerant. I'm going to abstain from drinking an more milk for a while and see if things settle back down. Once I'm feeling health, I'll try drinking some milk and see if the gassiness and discomfort comes back. If it does them I'm probably gonna have to swith to soy milk or just give up milk all together. That would be a shame since I actually do like milk.

What I've been doing: Went to a birthday party with my parents Saturday afternoon. Always nice to spend time with them. They had a trash can for my kitchen since I mentioned I needed one. They dropped me off in front of my apt. I kind of wanted them to come up cause the last time they came by my apt was a mess and I wanted them to see that it wasn't always like that. I have been keeping my apt neat except fo that day that they came by but that's my luck for you.

I've always had trouble keeping friends. Mainly its the keeping in touch when I don't see them everyday. It's easy when I work with someone but since I got fired from the cookie store I've felt the bond between me and my best friend/writing partner growing weaker. Facebook has helped some but neither of us is very active on it. I really don't want to lose him as a friend so I'm going to do something that is a little out of character for me. I'm going to ask him if he wants to hang out some time. Doesn't sound like much but for me it's a huge effort to reach out like that. I hope he says yes.

Writing Progress: I've managed a few paragraphs but my muse is running on empty lately.

What I've been watching: Still haven't watched The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. I think it might not be time for me to watch it. That is in the grand scheme of things I'm not 'supposed' to watch it at this time. But I like sticking it to the universe so I'm going to try to make time tonight to watch it.

What I've been reading: Tales of MU chapter 7

Real life writes the plot

Ok basically next month is going to be nothing like I thought it was going to be like. First off I'll now living alone. My sister has moved out. She told me yesterday morning. I don't really mind being alone but I was kind of depending on her for rent and half the bills. She lost her job about a month ago an my job doesn't pay a whole lot so we've been falling behind on bills and rent. Now that she's moved out I'm really in a bind with the bills and rent. Now it may seem like my sister has screwed me over but the bigger picture is hard to explain without writing several pages about my our lives so just believe me when I say I'm not mad at her.

Second I'm not going to be able to do Nanowrimo. I really wanted to try this year but with this going on I don't think I can face up to a brand new project. I will keep writing the stuff I've been working on.

My light bill is over due but if they hold off until Friday I can catch it up. Rent wise I'm up the creek with no paddle. I figure the landlord won't evict me until sometime in November hopefully not until the end.

Yesterday afternoon I went to my old workplace to see some friends. While there I asked if they knew of any cheap apartments which led to me explaining everything. That's when F said that he, M(the guy I've been working with on that series and my best friend) and another guy that I know but not too well have been planning on renting a house together and if I wanted I could join them and lower the amount everyone has to pay.

So now I'm looking for a house we can rent. F has said that they can have money saved up by the end of November to pay for first months rent and the deposit. I gathered that they hadn't planned on finding a place until around January but because of my precarious situation he's pushing the others to do it sooner.

It's weird the way life can work out. Monday morning I thought I was facing homelessness. By that evening I had been invited into a new home made with friends. It's not a perfect solution there's still a chance my light could get cut off early or I could get evicted before we find a place or save enough for rent and deposit. Despite this possible disasters I can't feel too worried about them cause at the other end is home.