5-31-11

It's been three weeks since I last posted anything, mostly due to my depression.

I'm moving out of the one bedroom apt I moved into at the beginning of the month.  I'm moving into a two bedroom with a friend of a friend who needed a roommate because her's was getting married and moving out.  I'm moving in tomorrow in fact.  It's kind of scary but I think it will better for me than living alone.  Also the rent will be cheaper and we will have internet, something I have been missing at home.

Really just wanted to check in after being gone for so long.  Maybe now that I'll have internet at home I'll post more often.

~Gilly

The following is for my own benefit so if I need to remember what happened on this day I can.

HEALTH NOTE:  Last night I got to bed late.  This morning I took a 200mg caffeine pill along with two Excedrin on my way to work(7:30 ish).  Shortly after I got to work they kicked in and I entered a hypomanic state which is what I intended to happen.  Later around 9:30 my mouth began to water and I felt a very strong urge to vomit.  I made it to the bathroom and dry heaved a couple of times(I had not eaten anything since the night before) before vomiting acid and some black specks(internet research suggests this may have been blood).  I continued to feel sick for another hour before feeling like I had to vomit again.  This second vomit was the same as the first.  Again I continued to feel sick afterwards.  Around 12:00-12:30 I once more felt the strong urge to vomit.  I was working cash and fought off the urge.  Manager noticed I was a little off, I said my stomache was upset, he offered me some pepto bismo which I took.  I began to feel better but still a little sick.  Finished my shift without feeling like I had to vomit again.  I ate a sandwich which seems to have helped a little.  Black specks(blood) were of a very small amount.  Will watch for reoccurrence.

3-8-11

Most of this post was written last night to be posted today.

Mood: Mostly okay. I am feeling depressed but dealing with it right now.

Added before posting: I'm feeling more tired than depressed right now.

Happenings: I want to clean my apt tonight. It's gotten kind of messy, like my living areas often do when I get depressed. I know it's messy and I want to clean it but often I just can not muster the energy to actually do it. Usually I just live with it until I get a break in my depression and end up cleaning everything in a single fit of "I must clean". I'm trying to break that cycle by forcing myself to clean tonight.

Added just before posting: I just got off work. My boss asked me to stay a little late to cover for someone who had to leave early. I'm feeling really run down so I don't think I'm going to hav it in me to clean my entire apt. I'm going to aim for getting the dishes all washed and see how I feel after that.

Media: Hopefully more Dragon Age: Origins or maybe a movie.

Writing: None.

Gilly

1-28-11

Slight format change. I've cut down the headers down to just one word and the header Media is going to combine the watching and reading headings.

Mood: I'm feeling better. Not empty anymore. Just kind of tired but that might be from not enough sleep.

Happenings: So Wednesday I was feeling very depressed if you couldn't tell from my depressed raving. It started in the morning and has been ongoing. I left Hasting's shortly after posting that and went to Dollar General to get some kitty litter. I passed a liquor store and thought about buying a bottle of something to help me relax but decided to save my money. While buying the litter I saw some coffee/hot chocolate mugs. Realizing I that I don't have a mug I decided too buy one and a box of hot chocolate mixes. I don't know why but the idea of making hot chocolate when I got home made me feel a little better and the walk to the bus stop in the cool night air helped as well. I made it home without incident, made something to eat, took a shower, made a cup of hot chocolate that I dipped a couple of cookies in, and went to sleep.

Thursday morning I woke up feeling okay. I had the thought that by not eating breakfast I'm putting my blood sugar level in the gutter for the morning, which wasn't helping my depressed state. So I made some toast and put some jelly on it. It didn't really help much if at all. An hour or so after waking up I started to feel the depression taking hold again. I entered a kind of waking sleep mode to keep moving. It's hard to describe but basically, I let the part of my mind that knows how to do my job take over and I just kind of go along for that ride. I'm still there and can do things but mostly its just my body doing things on autopilot.

Lunch in the deli was bearable. After work I made the short post from my phone and went to Gamespot to browse around a bit. I picked up a copy of Borderlands. Also I renewed my discount card and Game Informer subscription now that I have a permanent address. I stopped to talk with my sister for a little while before going by the store to get a few things. I ate a couple of sandwiches for supper. Then I wrote most of this post before popping in Borderlands.

Media: I played borderlands for a few hours before showering and going to bed. I'm enjoying it so far and will right more when I get the chance.

Writing: None.

Gilly

1-24-11

Mood: Feeling fine. A little emotionally numb but mostly fine.

Health: I've been a little gassy the past few days. Also experienced mild intestinal discomfort. I think this might be due to the addition of milk to my diet. The symptoms started after I bought a half gallon of milk. It's possible that I've become partly lactose intolerant. I'm going to abstain from drinking an more milk for a while and see if things settle back down. Once I'm feeling health, I'll try drinking some milk and see if the gassiness and discomfort comes back. If it does them I'm probably gonna have to swith to soy milk or just give up milk all together. That would be a shame since I actually do like milk.

What I've been doing: Went to a birthday party with my parents Saturday afternoon. Always nice to spend time with them. They had a trash can for my kitchen since I mentioned I needed one. They dropped me off in front of my apt. I kind of wanted them to come up cause the last time they came by my apt was a mess and I wanted them to see that it wasn't always like that. I have been keeping my apt neat except fo that day that they came by but that's my luck for you.

I've always had trouble keeping friends. Mainly its the keeping in touch when I don't see them everyday. It's easy when I work with someone but since I got fired from the cookie store I've felt the bond between me and my best friend/writing partner growing weaker. Facebook has helped some but neither of us is very active on it. I really don't want to lose him as a friend so I'm going to do something that is a little out of character for me. I'm going to ask him if he wants to hang out some time. Doesn't sound like much but for me it's a huge effort to reach out like that. I hope he says yes.

Writing Progress: I've managed a few paragraphs but my muse is running on empty lately.

What I've been watching: Still haven't watched The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. I think it might not be time for me to watch it. That is in the grand scheme of things I'm not 'supposed' to watch it at this time. But I like sticking it to the universe so I'm going to try to make time tonight to watch it.

What I've been reading: Tales of MU chapter 7

1-18-11

Mood: Been having a depression/anxiety episode since Friday night. Or maybe the high from getting my own place has worn off. Something like that.

What I've been doing: Friday I didn't go home and watch Lars and the Real Girl. I stayed at Hasting's and really caught up on my feeds and read a bunch of blogs. I ran into a link to a blog claiming "transgenders" bring down "transsexuals". This is such HORSESHIT. It's transphobic and, and just Fuck Them! Sorry but that's the best I can do for a coherent response to that kind of bile. I hate that it gets to me like this. Reading that stuff makes all my doubts and fears go crazy. I wish I was more self-assured. I wish I had more confidence.

Saturday I got through work in a daze and then went home.

Sunday, my day off, I stayed home most of the day. I made sweet rice and ate it while watching Despicable Me. Then I filled my tub up and relaxed in the water for a while. Later I washed my clothes. I watched Lars and the Real Girl before going to bed. It was a good day off.

Monday after work my parents were in the city so I went with them to buy groceries. It was nice to spend time with them. They bought me a dish strainer. They also had a toaster for me but it wasn't new and some sodas.

Today I did something I feel good about. My coworker asked me what my necklace meant. I said it was the symbol for transgender. She asked me what that was and after thinking for a second I said, "It's when a person's gender doesn't match their sex." Which isn't the best definition but it's not terrible. She asked a couple of more questions. In the end she thank me for telling her what it meant. I feel good that I helped inform someone and I didn't brush her off when she asked about my necklace. I've fallen into the habit of doing that lately.

Writing Progress: I worked on chapter 3.

What I've been watching: Lars and the Real Girl and Despicable Me. Will do write ups tomorrow.

Reading: Tales of Mu

1-14-11

So I didn't quite reach five posts this week but it's wasn't due to not wanting to post. I just haven't been near a hotspot the past couple of days, which is the only way I can get online until I save enough to get internet from Virgin Mobile. They have a $40 a month plan for unlimited internet, no contract but you have to buy the usb modem for $99. So I'm saving for that.

Mood: Okay. Lately at work near the end of my shift I've started to feel tired of people. I start to feel like I want to be left alone. During this time I get irritated at things that I know shouldn't irritate me but do at the time. After I get off and sit down for a little while I feel better.

What I've been up to: I watched Evangelion 1.11: You Are (Not) Alone Tuesday night like I said I was going to. It wasn't bad but it is very much a straight remake of the first four or five episodes. There were a few variations in dialog and scene order but nothing new. It was nice to see the new animation but some of the cgi felt tacked on just for show. There is a bit at the very end that comes out of left field and the preview for the next movie really made me want to see it because it looks like it'll be really different from the original series. Which is what I wanted this to be. I wanted the same characters and world but with a different twist to the story. Overall it was a good movie and worth watching if you liked the original series or haven't seen any Evangelion before.

Wednesday I watched Whip It. I loved it. It's a fun movie with great characters. I would say this movie is kind of a mirror to Ice Princess, another movie I love. It's hard for me to talk about this movie because its like my love of this movie is still to new for critical analysis. Give me a week and I'll be back with something.

I hauled a duffel bag and a shopping bag full of of stuff from my storage unit to my apt. It's only six or seven blocks so not really that far. Most of it was DVDs. I also got my comfy shoes, a pair of airwalks that are really comfy but don't really protect against things like gravel so aren't good for walking, a medium sized pot, a bag big of candy I bought right after Halloween for like a two dollars, a some t-shirts, some cds, rabbit ears for my TV, and my tv tray table. You would not believe how nice it is to have some place to set stuff on that isn't my bed. Supper that night was awesome because I didn't have to hold my plate while eating.

I went shopping the other night for groceries. I got a few things that I should be able to turn into several different meals. It is very satisfying to look at my cabinets and see stuff in them and to look in my fridge and see it not empty. It makes me feel very grown up to have food stuffs that aren't microwavable dinners.

Writing Progress: None. I'm going to try to work in an hour a day at least in to my routine.

What I'm watching: Lars and the Real Girl tonight. The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and it's sequel The Girl Who Played with Fire should arrive Monday along with the next disc of Doctor Who series 5.

Reading: I've got the first 15 episodes of Tales of Mu opened in tabs so I can read when I'm at home.

Well that's it for today. I'm going to try to post tomorrow and hopefully next week I'm make my goal of five posts in a week.

Gilly

1-11-11

Mood: Good.

What I did yesterday: I cooked some shells and cheese. This being my second cooked meal in my new apartment. The first was chili dogs. Watched TV most of the night. I think having cable is bad for me cause I end up "looking for something to watch" instead of doing other things like playing video games or writing. When I think about the time spent "looking for something to watch" it feels like wasted time. I'm going to try to cut back on my channel surfing and try to only watch shows I want to watch rather than settling for what's on now.

Writing Progress: Finished the outline I was writing and wrote a few lines of dialog I didn't want to forget. The outline is for a chapter/episode that is a few down in the queue of chapters to be written. I'm having some trouble with the next chapter(ch. 4) but I think if I could get some face time with my BF/WP we could iron it out. I still need to finish writing chapter 3. I was about a third of the way through when I started neglecting my writing. It shouldn't be that hard to finish since I'm really rewriting the script to prose.

What I'm watching(formally Netflixing): I have the first movie of the Evangelion reboot. I haven't seen it yet but am planing to watch it tonight after I watch No Ordinary Family. Whip it, Lars and the Real Girl, and a disc from series 5 of Doctor Who should be waiting for me once I get home. I've been watching and enjoying How I Met Your Mother.

Reading: Still working on Tales of Mu.

New Years Update

So yeah this is a little late in coming.*shrugs*

New Year's Eve I moved into my new apartment and spent the last night of 2010 there. I woke up in 2011 in my new apartment alone except for my cat. As I said in a previous post this is my first time living alone. Yeah I'm almost thirty and I've never lived alone. So far it's been fine. It's not like I've never been alone before but those times have always been short periods of time that end with me not being alone again. Now I'm facing an unending period of my life alone. Gezz that sounds like I'm sinking into depression but I'm not. The last week has been very much depression free. I think it may be because I'm focused on living alone and dealing with that. I may just be going through a general upswing in mood. Lately I've been distracted by another issue that I won't mention here from posting and writing in general. If you really want to know about it leave a comment and I'll reply.

On the subject of writing. I've been in a bit of a rut. Partly because I haven't been able to talk to my writing partner as much and partly because I let myself slide on writing everyday. I'm going to start working on getting back into practice writing every day no matter what. It's a habit I need to cultivate if I'm going to really be a writer.

On the subject of my transition. It's been about two years since I came out to my sister. That moment is a dividing line in my mind from when I was still questioning whether or not I was transgender and when I really accepted that I am transgender. Since that event I've made a few baby steps toward transition. I've been on HRT on and off during this time. I had one laser hair removal treatment. I came out to a few friends. But in the end I feel like I've almost been spinning my wheels. The last two New Years I've made the same resolution: make some progress on my transition. I'm making a different resolution this year. It's less a resolution and more a goal: Start laser treatments. Last time I started them I had to stop when I quit my job and then the place had shut down when I could afford them. I'm not sure how I'm going to afford them but I will.

Where is this determination coming from? Well you see I had a dream and in this dream I shot myself in the head with a shotgun because something was wrong with my life in the dream. There was more to it but that's the gist of it. I thought about it for a couple of days and realized that it was a warning from my subconscious that I needed to take action in my life or I might end up taking the permanent solution for a temporary problem.

I'm doing other things that don't need to be stated as goals like getting over my fear of shopping for women's clothes or wearing women's shirts around the house and out of it or getting back on HRT.

You know a lot has happened in the past two years. I've grown my hair out, cut and donated it, let it grow out, cut and donated it again that time very short, and now letting it grow out again. I quit one job, start at another and quit it as well, found another job, got promoted, got salaried, got volunteered to run the place for a short while, got a new manager, got fired, got hired back at the place I first quit from. I made friends, good friends. I found a best friend and writing partner. I realized I'm asexual.

This is getting a little rambling so I'm going to end it here. Till next time, which will be soon I think.

Gilly

Apt News

I got an apartment. Its kinda small with just a kitchen, bathroom and bedroom but I think it'll be enough room for just me.

Not much else to say.

Thus ends my 'couch surfing' tag and 'living alone' tag starts.