Sometime I wonder if I really ready to live as a woman.
I read other transwomen's blogs. They talk about dressing in women's clothes and wearing makeup before going fulltime. I don't do either of these things. I know that these don't make one a woman but they seem like a right of passage that I'm missing out on.
But it doesn't really matter if I 'miss out' on these 'rights of passage.' I'm finding my own way. Becoming who I really am. I know that I'm not a man. Being called he or sir just feels so wrong while being she or ma'am feels right.
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Yesterday I was going to talk to my crew about how the store has not been getting as clean as it should. To end off the talk I was going to say, "I don't want to be a bitch about this but if I have to I will be."(I'm very easy going at work, so long as people are working.) I thought about replacing bitch with bastard but it felt wrong to refer to myself with a derogatory male word like that so I dropped the line.
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Let me tell what happened yesterday.
Yesterday a man walked up to the counter and ordered some cookies and called me ma'am. I got his order, rang him up, took his money, made change and thanked him for his business. Then he asked about his drink. I had missed it when he told me his order, I apologized and got it for him. He paid for it and thanked me one more time and called me ma'am. He saw me as a woman from when he walked up to the counter to when he left.
Can I take a second to say that I'm not out at work, my name tag says Gil and I don't feel like I act very feminine. He may have been visually impaired. I saw him fumble some glasses into a pocket before reaching the counter but I spoke to him in what I think is my normal voice a few times which usually tips people off when my appearance doesn't. Despite all this he saw me as a woman. Yeah me!
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This week on one of my days off I'm going to see about scheduling an electrolysis appointment.
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I think I need to come out at work. I'm like a heartbeat away from being promoted to assistant manager. My manager has already started referring to me as an assistant manager. It's scary but I think everything will work out fine.
Monday, March 23, 2009
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I maintain that it's all about energy. True, the customer may have been visually impaired, but I suspect that your authentic self was sensed.
ReplyDeleteAs far as coming out at work... First and foremost, it ain't nobody's business but yours - don't forget that. If you were more overt in your presentation, you might (just might) feel that you owe your coworkers and explanation. As it is, you are giving them the gift of trust. And paying them the compliment that you think they are mature adults who can accept diversity and not knuckle-dragging bigots.
As far as the "rite of passage" goes, you go ahead and find your own way. I know plenty of genetic women who have no use for "femme" things. On the other hand, why not experiment a little (and not necessarily immediately at work) with makeup, etc., just to see how you like it? I don't see a woman's broader mode of self expression so much as a rite of passage as it is a tradeoff for having to put up with aeons of subjugation by males.
Anyway, go thou and find thine own comfort within thine own authenticity.
Love ya, dear.
Jill