9-30-11

I'm going to be coming out to my family soon on faebook.  Just as soon as I can get up the nerve to call my parents and tell them that I want them to call me by my chosen name and use feminine pronouns.  I want to talk to my parents first because I know that some of my family are going to call me parents when they find out.  Some of my cousins probably know or suspect something.  My coming out to my family is less about letting them know what's up with my gender and more about asking them to call me by MY name and use correct pronouns.

It's just hard coming up with the words to ask my parents to call me by a name they didn't give me and to use feminine pronouns.  Last time I was around them, it sounded like they were using she and her to refer to me but I wasn't sure and it's been the great untalked about thing for so long that I felt a little afraid to say anything.

Part of thinks they'll be like, "Well of course we'll call you Gilly or Gillian and use she and her.  Why wouldn't we?  We love you afterall."  Part of me is afraid they'll be, "No.  We named you and that's your name.  And we're not going to indulge you."  I know that their true reaction lies some where between these two poles.(most likely closer to the first than the second)  But still it's hard to think that I can ask them to do this for me. I'm thinking of writing a letter so I don't have to actually speak to them.

Gilly

Advice needed!

So the other day I was going through my browser history looking for a webpage when I saw some entries for redtube. For those not in the know redtube is like youtube but for porn. Now I will not deny having gone there in past but not on the day that I was looking at in the history. After looking at the times and date I realized that on that day I had left my netbook at hone for my niece to type up a paper, because her laptop was on the fritz.

In Chrome opening a new tab displays your top nine most visited sites. While helping her mother look up something on my niece's laptop I noticed redtube was on the new tab page. I asked my niece to come help me with something in another room and told her what I had seen. Then I gave her tips on how to hide her viewing habits better and told her I wouldn't tell her mom.

Now I'm wondering if I made the right call. I'm thinking I should have a sit down conversation about safe sex with her to be sure she has good info. I am conflicted about not telling her mom. Should I tell her? I'm really unsure what her reaction would be.

big post

Ah been a few days so I have several things to talk about.

First up is my new MP3 player. I bought a Sansa Fuse with 4 GB which is plenty for me. Besides audio it also does video which is becoming a feature on any player big enough for a screen. The video converter works on avi files which means I could put some tv episodes or movies on it. I don't think I will because for one, it takes a long time for the converter to convert big files and two, I got a small headache watching while watching a twenty minute tv show episode I converted.

A few hard drive moves ago I lost all my music, about 4 gigs of songs. So I have nothing to put on it except for podcasts which is working out very well. I have three or four podcasts that my feed reader auto downloads for me. I've been letting them pile up because the only way for my to listen to them before now has been through my computer but when I'm at my computer I would rather watch a tv show or catch up on my feeds or just poke around wikipedia. I'm a little sad to say but I can't read a blog and listen to a podcast at the same time without losing some content. And there are some podcasts I really want to devote my entire attention to but when I'm at the computer well I wander. But with my Fuse I can step away from my computer and still listen to my podcasts.

And here's a picture of a Sansa Fuse(BTW mine is red too):



Now on to the package I recently received from Canada.

The package was from Leanne Franson writer/artist of Liliane, Bi-Dyke


Liliane, Bi-Dyke is a comic I found about two weeks ago. Quick disclamer: this comic is LGBT friendly(just to let you know in case the title didn't tip you off). I read through the archive in two nights. In 2006 the author's Saint Benard, Muesili, died which caused me to start bawling my eyes out when I reached those stories inspired by her pain. Why did it hit me so hard? Well, Liliane is based largely on the the author's life which included owning a Saint Bernard named Muesili who had been featured in a few stories. About a year later when she decided to get another dog she put together some very nice comic books from those stories featuring Musili and sold them on her site.

I was cautious in buying them because I wasn't sure she still had any left or that the prices listed were still valid. So I shot her a quick email asking for info and received a reply within minutes telling me she still had some and to go ahead and take advantage of any speacils still up. I ordered two sets of comics and two books of stories that had not been published online.


One set of all three Muesili comics for myself, which I got signed.


The two not online story books.



And one set of the two family friendly comics that I plan to give as a gift to someone(not sure who yet) at some point(not sure when yet).

Moving on to Roleplaying coincidences. Lets see, ok, first my friend Krystal has asked me if I wanted to form a small gaming group or possibly join a group. Soon afterward I began listening to the Penny Arcade/PvP DnD Podcasts on my MP3 player. And while listening to said podcasts, I see Will Wheaton has posted a hand full of links to free roleplaying guides and adventures. Maybe I'm overthinking things but it feels like I am being lead/guided to roleplaying. Not much else to say about that.

Guitar hero woes: I am without a guitar contorller. I lent mine to a family member and it has disappeared they have had said. I don't blame the familiy member. I know the risk in lending out stuff is to never see it again. I have been browsing for a new guitar in stores. I hoped to buy one in a bundle with a new game but could only find them with wireless controllers which I was told would only work with that game and other games in the same series but wired ones would work on both. Now after a quick search I see that Guitar Hero guitars(wired and wireless) also work with Rock Band but not the other way around. If I had known this sooner I would have bought one sooner.

Mother's Day is almost here. Normally a day to spend with family eating BBQ, this Mother's Day I will be at work. It's an unfortante side effect of working at a place that provides a sevice linked to the holidays. Not every holiday but those that involve buying tokens of affection cause a spike in our sales. Judging by the number of cookie cakes we've prerolled we will only be about half as busy as Valintine's day. I'm going to miss seeing my mom for most of the day. I might get to see her for a little while in the evening but I'm not sure.

Oy, I had one more topic but it's nearly 6am and I'm exasted, so it'll get it's own post tomorrow.

See ya.

Kids

Earlier tonight, on the way home from work my assistant manager asked me if me if I want to have kids. She had been talking about her kids, about how they're almost all grownup and she feels old (she was joking about this).

Do I want to have kids? Do I want to watch them grow up? Do I want to kiss their booboos and kiss them good night? Do I want to teach them to love the world and everyone in it? Do I want to ... Well if you haven't guessed by now the answer is yes. Yes and yes and yes.

Am I likely to ever have kids? Well, no. Unless I adopt I'm not going to be a parent. Why? Because due to hrt I'm most likely to be sterile in the near future. Pruning this path from my life was not an easy decision. When I was weighing the pros and cons of hrt this was one of the biggest cons for me. But in the end I saw that it was a mostly dead branch. It was a hard decision that I've mostly made peace with. I'm not saying that it doesn't hurt from time to time.

Living with my sister and her kids has been both a salve and irritant to this psychic wound. I've had the opportunity to be something like a parent to them from time to time. I get little moments, where I get a glimpse of parenthood. Sometimes I think, "I can't wait to do this with my kids.." and then I remember how unlikely that is and I hurt.

When my assistant manager asked me the answer that came to mind was, "Yes but I probably won't be able to." What I said was, "Maybe," cause it hurts more to admit it.

I have a future now

I've been pondering and thinking and musing about where I am gong in life. It's only been in the last couple of years that I have thought about such things. Only since I let go my blindfold and saw myself truly.

For the six or seven years prior to that I never really thought about what the future held for me. I lived day to day, only vaguely aware of future events that needed my attention, like bill due dates or holidays. It was a horrible way to exist. If you don't care about tomorrow or even want to make it to tomorrow you lose hope. I lost hope. But I kept moving through time, putting one foot in front of the other.

Why? Why didn't I just stop living? Why didn't I just end it all with metal and blood? Because even when I didn't love myself, I loved those around me. My family. My sister. My niece and nephews. My parents. I loved them so much that I hurt thinking about ending it and hurting them. So, I soldiered on. One foot in front of the other, don't think about walking, just think about this step, until I could face my true self and then I loved myself. I still love those around me and draw strength from that love. But I love myself as well and that lets me find inner strength.

I love who I am becoming enough that I'm looking forward and wondering where I am going. I hope it's fun.