10-30-11

When drag queens are the focus of the local GLBT organization's Halloween Bash.  When the MC asks where are the gays and where are the lesbians and where are the straights but doesn't mention trans* people.  When the fact that drag queens "look like women but don't have vaginas" is shouted by the MC.  When I am afraid at a GLBT event to use the woman's restroom because I feel like I'll be treated as a "man in a dress".

It's hard for me to express these concerns when there's no one to stand with me.  There's no trans community in my city.  There are other trans people here but we aren't all friends or even acquaintances.  In fact I don't have any local friends who are transgender.

Yesterday I was in a store and I walked into a metal hook.  A woman nearby asked me if I was I ok.  I checked my arm, said yes and walked a short distance away to continue browsing.  After a couple of minutes, the woman came over and the following exchange happened:

"Ma'ma?  It is ma'ma?"

"Yeah, sure why not," I replied a little flippantly not sure where she was going with her question.

"It's just that I called you he but I wasn't really sure.  Is it ma'ma?" suddenly I felt kind of bad because I could see she was being sincere.

"Yes, I prefer ma'ma."

She smiled and said, "Ok."

I think we exchanged a couple more sentences before I walked away.

I talked about this with me roommate.  We also talked about how she had asked me if I wanted her to use feminine pronouns for me.  In both cases I felt accepted by the asker.  Being asked how you want to be referred to is vastly different than being asked what one is.

Are you a man or a woman?  This type of question is meant to put a person into a box, so that the asker doesn't have to wonder what the person they are talking to is.  It excludes anyone not binary identified.  It's also dehumanizing by asking 'what' a person is rather than 'who' they are.

What pronouns do you prefer?  Here no one is excluded because there are no options given in the question.  The point of the question is to learn how a person wishes to be talked about.  It's like a hand palm up outstretched in friendship.  The other question is like a hand held palm out to ward off something.

Gilly

9-30-11

I'm going to be coming out to my family soon on faebook.  Just as soon as I can get up the nerve to call my parents and tell them that I want them to call me by my chosen name and use feminine pronouns.  I want to talk to my parents first because I know that some of my family are going to call me parents when they find out.  Some of my cousins probably know or suspect something.  My coming out to my family is less about letting them know what's up with my gender and more about asking them to call me by MY name and use correct pronouns.

It's just hard coming up with the words to ask my parents to call me by a name they didn't give me and to use feminine pronouns.  Last time I was around them, it sounded like they were using she and her to refer to me but I wasn't sure and it's been the great untalked about thing for so long that I felt a little afraid to say anything.

Part of thinks they'll be like, "Well of course we'll call you Gilly or Gillian and use she and her.  Why wouldn't we?  We love you afterall."  Part of me is afraid they'll be, "No.  We named you and that's your name.  And we're not going to indulge you."  I know that their true reaction lies some where between these two poles.(most likely closer to the first than the second)  But still it's hard to think that I can ask them to do this for me. I'm thinking of writing a letter so I don't have to actually speak to them.

Gilly

Parents might be more accepting than I thought

So, today my parents helped me move the stuff I had put in storage a while back when I didn’t have a place to keep it in.

I told my parents I was transgender three years ago when I finally began to feel that I could accept myself after years of self-doubt.  I’m still working on truly accepting myself but I’m getting there.  

When I told my parents, my mom was more accepting of me while my dad seemed to not want to listen to what I was saying.  He may not have liked what I was saying but he didn’t reject me either.  And we haven’t really talked about it since.

Things haven’t been strained or awkward mostly because I haven’t made much progress in transitioning.  I don’t bring it up and neither do they.  It’s almost like I never came out to them.  There have been a few times that I have heard my mom say she or her when talking about me but it’s always been isolated events.

Today something strange and wonderful happened.  Today my mom AND my dad used she and her when talking about me.  They weren’t perfect about it but I heard more she and hers from them that I heard he and hims.

My dad said to my aunt, “We got her stuff out of storage,” when she asked what we had been doing today.  There was a little hesitation but he didn’t correct himself.  

Part of me wants to think that they’ve decided to support me but don’t know how to come out and say so and this is how they’re doing it.  That part feels like crying with joy.

Part of me wonders if maybe they just slipped up.  That I’m reading to much into a few slips of the tongue.

I hope the first part is right.

Gilly