8-23-11

I went back to the Gulf Bend Center for my diagnostic/financial evaluation.  

Good news: I make so little money that my max monthly payment would be $0.  

Bad news: the guy I talked to didn’t seem to have any knowledge of trans* stuff.  Despite not knowing anything about trans* stuff, he wanted to talk about my “changing” identity.  

I feel like I may not have expressed myself well enough.  I am functional in day to day life.  But I want to be more than just functional.  I want to feel like I am not just marking time.  I want to feel like I have a future to work toward and not just be living for no reason.  I don’t know if I got this across to him.

The guy has to pass his notes on to his supervisor who will decide if they can/will help me.  I just have this sinking feeling that I’m going to get passed over.  That because I have a job I do good at, have gone to college and done well, have never tried to kill myself, and have not had to go to the ER because of a panic attack he is going to decide I don’t “really” help.  If I didn’t need help I wouldn’t have sought it out.

For more than ten years I have lived with feeling like something was wrong with me.  But I told myself as long as I can hide it, as long as it doesn’t interfere with work or family, then I didn’t need help.  And that has worked for the most part.  It isn’t working anymore.

Part of me feels like revealing my transgender status was a mistake.  That I should have just said I was depressed and didn’t know why and just BS my way through it all.  It’s better to get some help than no help, right?

I’m totally stressing out over this.  I’m not even sure it would be worth it if they did decide to provide counseling.