1-31-11

Mood: Okay right now. Earlier this morning I was feeling pretty bad. I was zoned out letting my zombie move my body and do my job. A coworker asked if I was alright cause she said I was being very quiet. I had to come back from the back of my mind to talk and lied saying I was fine. After that I was back in my body and was really feeling the empty sucking void that should have been "my sense of worth as a person" so I went to the bathroom and cried for a few minutes silently.

I feel good that I met my goal of five posts in a week even if one was real short from my phone and one was a angst fest.

Happenings: Nothing happened over the weekend. I stayed home and played Borderlands all day on Sunday, my day off.

Writing Progress: Wrote a story outline.

Media: Borderlands.

1-28-11

Slight format change. I've cut down the headers down to just one word and the header Media is going to combine the watching and reading headings.

Mood: I'm feeling better. Not empty anymore. Just kind of tired but that might be from not enough sleep.

Happenings: So Wednesday I was feeling very depressed if you couldn't tell from my depressed raving. It started in the morning and has been ongoing. I left Hasting's shortly after posting that and went to Dollar General to get some kitty litter. I passed a liquor store and thought about buying a bottle of something to help me relax but decided to save my money. While buying the litter I saw some coffee/hot chocolate mugs. Realizing I that I don't have a mug I decided too buy one and a box of hot chocolate mixes. I don't know why but the idea of making hot chocolate when I got home made me feel a little better and the walk to the bus stop in the cool night air helped as well. I made it home without incident, made something to eat, took a shower, made a cup of hot chocolate that I dipped a couple of cookies in, and went to sleep.

Thursday morning I woke up feeling okay. I had the thought that by not eating breakfast I'm putting my blood sugar level in the gutter for the morning, which wasn't helping my depressed state. So I made some toast and put some jelly on it. It didn't really help much if at all. An hour or so after waking up I started to feel the depression taking hold again. I entered a kind of waking sleep mode to keep moving. It's hard to describe but basically, I let the part of my mind that knows how to do my job take over and I just kind of go along for that ride. I'm still there and can do things but mostly its just my body doing things on autopilot.

Lunch in the deli was bearable. After work I made the short post from my phone and went to Gamespot to browse around a bit. I picked up a copy of Borderlands. Also I renewed my discount card and Game Informer subscription now that I have a permanent address. I stopped to talk with my sister for a little while before going by the store to get a few things. I ate a couple of sandwiches for supper. Then I wrote most of this post before popping in Borderlands.

Media: I played borderlands for a few hours before showering and going to bed. I'm enjoying it so far and will right more when I get the chance.

Writing: None.

Gilly

Just a quick post from my phone. Still feeling depressed but not as bad as last night. I'm going straight home from work and getting some r&r. Gilly

1-26-11

I feel terrible. My head hurts and I'm hungry and thirsty because I've not eaten or drunk anything for about six hours after eating a small lunch. I'm in the middle of a fairly bad depressive episode. I've been reading the internet for most of those six hours to distract myself. It's a weird habit I have to block out how I bad I feel by immersing myself in readings blogs. It works to a degree but doesn't really make my feel better and some times backs fires when I run into news of bad stuff happening to people.

Earlier I had the urge to get up, walk out the door, and jump in front of a fast moving truck. I'm still here obviously. I say I don't want to kill myself but what if one day the urge is stronger than my rational thoughts.

I wish some times that I could just stop living. I feel empty inside. Like I'm not a real person. Just some kind of construct pretending to be a person. Some times it just hurts so much to exist that I just want it to stop or I want the pain of living to stop. That sounds so childish but its how I feel.

So thats a little peek at what's going inside my head right now. I'll be better tomorrow hopefully.

Gilly

1-25-11 I wrote something!

So I joined this writing website called Helium. They let you write articles based on titles they suggest. Multiple people can write for the same title and members vote on articles to rank them. The higher your articles rank the more money you get from ad revenue on the site.

I was browsing around the Creative Fiction section and saw the title Anti-Hero. Suddenly I had a story idea, so I opened up the story submit page and wrote it. I banged it out in like thirty to forty minutes but I'm pretty happy with it. I don't really care that it's kind of messy just that I was able to write something. I've barely been able to write anything the past couple of months, so this felt so good.

Mood: Woke up feeling good, started to feel kinda numb after a while at work, got extremely pissed at a customer but I held it in, felt better by the end of my shift, and now feel real good from writing.

Health: Gassiness is gone as is the MID. Will wait two more days before testing self with milk.

What I've been doing: Mostly trying to write.

What I've been watching: I saw The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo last night. Good film but it has some intense scenes that I really would not like to watch too often. Watching it's sequel, The Girl Who Played With Fire tonight or tomorrow.

Writing Progress: See above.

What I'm reading: Tales of MU chapter 7.

Gilly

1-24-11

Mood: Feeling fine. A little emotionally numb but mostly fine.

Health: I've been a little gassy the past few days. Also experienced mild intestinal discomfort. I think this might be due to the addition of milk to my diet. The symptoms started after I bought a half gallon of milk. It's possible that I've become partly lactose intolerant. I'm going to abstain from drinking an more milk for a while and see if things settle back down. Once I'm feeling health, I'll try drinking some milk and see if the gassiness and discomfort comes back. If it does them I'm probably gonna have to swith to soy milk or just give up milk all together. That would be a shame since I actually do like milk.

What I've been doing: Went to a birthday party with my parents Saturday afternoon. Always nice to spend time with them. They had a trash can for my kitchen since I mentioned I needed one. They dropped me off in front of my apt. I kind of wanted them to come up cause the last time they came by my apt was a mess and I wanted them to see that it wasn't always like that. I have been keeping my apt neat except fo that day that they came by but that's my luck for you.

I've always had trouble keeping friends. Mainly its the keeping in touch when I don't see them everyday. It's easy when I work with someone but since I got fired from the cookie store I've felt the bond between me and my best friend/writing partner growing weaker. Facebook has helped some but neither of us is very active on it. I really don't want to lose him as a friend so I'm going to do something that is a little out of character for me. I'm going to ask him if he wants to hang out some time. Doesn't sound like much but for me it's a huge effort to reach out like that. I hope he says yes.

Writing Progress: I've managed a few paragraphs but my muse is running on empty lately.

What I've been watching: Still haven't watched The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. I think it might not be time for me to watch it. That is in the grand scheme of things I'm not 'supposed' to watch it at this time. But I like sticking it to the universe so I'm going to try to make time tonight to watch it.

What I've been reading: Tales of MU chapter 7

1-20-11

Wednesdays post is below this.

Mood: Still feeling better than this weekend and Monday. Almost happy.

What I've been doing: I took about five minutes this morning to do some stretching exercises. Work was... work. I went to the local college's film club meeting. I'm not really in the film club since I'm not a student but I know several of the members so I'm kind of the club groupie. Next month on ground hog's day they are hosting in conjunction with Haven, the college's gay straight alliance, a 'coming out' event. Get it- coming out... ground hog... yeah I thought it was kind of a weak joke too. They will be showing two movies: Rent and The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert in the student center.

What I'm watching: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo tonight.

Writing progress: None.

Reading: Tales of Mu chapter 5.

Gilly