The Advantages of Not Having a Car

Most of the time I don't really care one way or the other about owning a car. During the past eleven years I have owned a car about half of those have been without a car.

Owning a car can be liberating. Being able to just go anywhere at anytime is a privilege most car owners don't appreciate. Of course owning a car means it is your responsibility. Gas, maintenance, insurance, state inspection, and gas. Being without a car means not having to worry about those things. If you ride the bus someone else takes care of it. Of course everything is a trade off. For not having the responsibility for the bus you have to go where the bus will take you when it takes you there.

Last night I as I leaving Hastings I walked by the outside patio of their cafe and heard someone speaking. Curious I walked closer and realized that it was poetry. Later I would find out it was a gathering of poets and poetry lovers who get together twice a month to read poetry. I sat in on the rest of the readings and had a good time listening to the poetry. If I hadn't been on foot walking to the bus stop I wouldn't have heard them. I would have missed out on this experience. I would have missed a chance to make new connections with these people. I didn't really talk to anyone cause well I tend to stay quiet until I get to know people better but I'm going to go back next time they get together and maybe I'll get up and read something myself.

None of this would be possible if I had a car. So sometimes not having a car can lead you to things you might not otherwise find. It can make you slow down and see things you might have missed.

News of a kind

I've mentioned a few times the series that I am working on with my friend, right? Well just to remind you. About a year ago he came to me with an idea for an animated show loosely based on our workplace and coworkers. After a couple of months of talking about it, I started writing the first script and have been working on more scripts for the past year. Originally I wanted to have a completed episode by the end of this year. Unfortunately neither he nor I are artists so that kind of stalled out.

I have a new idea though. I've started taking my scripts and rewriting them as short stories. My new goal is to launch a website to act as a home for the stories. I'm co-opting my previous deadline and planning for a late 2010 or early 2011 launch.

Walking in the Rain

To offset the dark tones of the last post I thought I would post something positive.

Lately it's been raining in my area. I love the rain but I didn't know how much until the last week. It was Friday and I was walking to my bank from work which is about six blocks away. When the drops started falling my first thoughts were, "Oh great I'm going to be soaked by the time I get to the bank." At first I felt kind of annoyed at the rain then I felt my mood begin to lighten and suddenly I felt great. The rain tapping across my head, arms face and body felt great. It was like someone flicked a switch in my head from moody/depressed to happy. Twice I was asked if I needed a ride and I turned down both offers. After cashing my check I started to wait near the doors where there is a covered area for the bus. As I waited there I started to feel uneasy. I knew something didn't feel right but I didn't know what. It seemed strange that I had been feeling fine before when walking in the rain but now under some cover from the rain I felt off. So I stepped out into the rain and slowly like before I began to feel more at easy, happier, better.

I've been caught out in the rain a couple more time and felt the same thing.

Dreams and other thoughts

I had a dream a couple of nights ago. I was in a doctor's office, the doctor was telling me about some test he wanted to run, I wasn't really paying attention until he mentioned getting a sample of my eggs. I stopped him and said that wasn't possible. He went on to explain that it was a very important test and it would hardly be any trouble for me at all. I then told him that I didn't have ovaries for him to sample from. He went on saying that ofcouse I did and that they were right here, he gently poked a spot on my abdomen. When he poked me I looked down and saw I the shirt I was wearing was open and I could my body, that is except for being a little thinner and having larger breasts it looked like my body. I looked back at him and very reluctantly said I was born male. He paused, hmmed, said then I didn't need that test then and went on with his explanations.

I've had dreams like this before. Not exactly like this. In these dreams I'm me but not me. I'm me after transition. I love this dreams for the hint of the normal life I could have, the life without this pain of not being me. I hate them because they end and I awake in the nightmare that is my life.

I want to talk about suicide. I have thought about it. Really thought about it. Sometimes while waiting to cross the street I will look at cars and trucks and wonder if this one is going fast enough to end me. I once walked past a steamroller and thought about diving under the roller. When I worked as the slicer at the deli I thought about using it to slice open my arms. I don't think I will ever act on these thoughts. As long as there is someone who cares about me I will not act on these thoughts. I could never hurt someone like that. At least I hope that I will never hurt the people who care about like that. I am depressed but I don't want to die. These thoughts of suicide scare me sometimes.

Ending a bit of a dark note here but please don't worry. This is not a suicide note. I'm not planning on killing myself. It's just been on my mind. The above paragraph is distiled from weeks of thoughts. I'm not emo or going goth. Not that there's anything wrong with that.^_^

Till next time
Gilly

Sorry I've been away

Almost two months since I last posted here. I've had a bit of trouble with the internet at my house so I'm only online when I'm at a hotspot. I've been doing ok. I got a new job a few weeks ago and got my first paycheck friday. I'm back at the deli I worked at two years ago, which I quit shortly before starting this blog. I wish I could say that I only went back because I had no other options but that's not true. After I got fired from the cookie store I let myself wallow in my depression. I coddled myself rather than force myself to look for a job. The best I could manage was one day visiting three businesses and filling out two applications. One day out of about forty.

But that is mostly behind me now. I'm still feeling depressed but a little less I think. I've been writing more for the project I started with my friend at the cookie store. I've also been working on a couple of other stories which may or may not be good, it is still to early to know for sure and I am working on them only in private so I have no feedback but I am hopeful.

My battery is running low so I'm going to stop here but I'm going to try to write a couple of blog posts tonight and put them up some time soon. Till then Bye.
Oh yeah here's a pic of me that I just took:

I Got Fired

I don't feel like typing up the whole story so I'll just say I let my temper get the best of me and I did something I wish I hadn't and now I'm without a job.

I was fired yesterday by my regional manager. I feel a little numb about the whole thing that is when I'm not feeling hopeless about the future. This job was my life. I Don't know what I'm going to do now. The people I worked with are like family and now I've been thrust out of the home we created at work. I may be romanticizing just a little. I've only been there for two years but I can't imagine working anywhere else.

I'm ok moneywise for a couple of weeks maybe up to a month if I'm very careful with what I spend money on. I'm thinking of taking that time to try my hand at writing for money again.

The event that got me fired happened Saturday. I was suspended for a week during which the regional manager came down and decided to fire me. Early in the week my sister told our manager(she works at the same store I did) that it may have been the hormones I was taking that caused me to lose my temper the way I did. She also told her that I use the name Gillian online. I was a little worried that this might create some tension between us until my sister told me that my manager had said I might be happier if I expressed some more femininity and that I would make a beautiful woman. So now we're closer than we were but now I'm not working with her and I feel so sad.

This too shall pass. One door close and another opens. I'm going to fine. I promise.

Gilly

It's my birthday

I say this not to inform anyone but to explain why I got a card from my parents. A card that very blatantly features the words son, boy, and man. I come out to them as trans two years ago. Maybe I wasn't as clear as I could have been but they seemed to et the idea. Until recently when I noticed that card they were giving my for Christmas and now my birthday are very much for a guy. This isn't to say that I'm totally sad today. My sister gave me two cards today neither of them 'for a guy' and I've gotten more than a few happy birthdays via facebook and txt. It's just, they're my parents. You know. Well enough moping about that, I'm going to read the internets now.