10-30-11

When drag queens are the focus of the local GLBT organization's Halloween Bash.  When the MC asks where are the gays and where are the lesbians and where are the straights but doesn't mention trans* people.  When the fact that drag queens "look like women but don't have vaginas" is shouted by the MC.  When I am afraid at a GLBT event to use the woman's restroom because I feel like I'll be treated as a "man in a dress".

It's hard for me to express these concerns when there's no one to stand with me.  There's no trans community in my city.  There are other trans people here but we aren't all friends or even acquaintances.  In fact I don't have any local friends who are transgender.

Yesterday I was in a store and I walked into a metal hook.  A woman nearby asked me if I was I ok.  I checked my arm, said yes and walked a short distance away to continue browsing.  After a couple of minutes, the woman came over and the following exchange happened:

"Ma'ma?  It is ma'ma?"

"Yeah, sure why not," I replied a little flippantly not sure where she was going with her question.

"It's just that I called you he but I wasn't really sure.  Is it ma'ma?" suddenly I felt kind of bad because I could see she was being sincere.

"Yes, I prefer ma'ma."

She smiled and said, "Ok."

I think we exchanged a couple more sentences before I walked away.

I talked about this with me roommate.  We also talked about how she had asked me if I wanted her to use feminine pronouns for me.  In both cases I felt accepted by the asker.  Being asked how you want to be referred to is vastly different than being asked what one is.

Are you a man or a woman?  This type of question is meant to put a person into a box, so that the asker doesn't have to wonder what the person they are talking to is.  It excludes anyone not binary identified.  It's also dehumanizing by asking 'what' a person is rather than 'who' they are.

What pronouns do you prefer?  Here no one is excluded because there are no options given in the question.  The point of the question is to learn how a person wishes to be talked about.  It's like a hand palm up outstretched in friendship.  The other question is like a hand held palm out to ward off something.

Gilly

9-30-11

I'm going to be coming out to my family soon on faebook.  Just as soon as I can get up the nerve to call my parents and tell them that I want them to call me by my chosen name and use feminine pronouns.  I want to talk to my parents first because I know that some of my family are going to call me parents when they find out.  Some of my cousins probably know or suspect something.  My coming out to my family is less about letting them know what's up with my gender and more about asking them to call me by MY name and use correct pronouns.

It's just hard coming up with the words to ask my parents to call me by a name they didn't give me and to use feminine pronouns.  Last time I was around them, it sounded like they were using she and her to refer to me but I wasn't sure and it's been the great untalked about thing for so long that I felt a little afraid to say anything.

Part of thinks they'll be like, "Well of course we'll call you Gilly or Gillian and use she and her.  Why wouldn't we?  We love you afterall."  Part of me is afraid they'll be, "No.  We named you and that's your name.  And we're not going to indulge you."  I know that their true reaction lies some where between these two poles.(most likely closer to the first than the second)  But still it's hard to think that I can ask them to do this for me. I'm thinking of writing a letter so I don't have to actually speak to them.

Gilly

9-14-11

Last week I noticed myself taking caffeine pills to counteract depression induced fatigue and to improve my concentration so I didn't lope off a finger at work.  Over the weekend I did some basic research into long term effects of caffeine and side effects.  Basically caffeine not only gives you a shot of energy it also works as an antidepressant.

Which means I've been self medicating for my depression.  I'm not taking caffeine pills on a daily basis; just when I really feel overwhelmed at work by my depression.  I'm concerned about long term effects of taking a larger than normal amount of caffeine in but it helps.  The right dose can turn me from a ball of self hate ready to slice my wrists the next time I pick up a knife to a normal feeling person.  Not overly happy just even kneeled.

Another effect I've noticed is that on days that I take the caffeine; I can write.  I can think about the stories I want to write and make progress on them.  I can world build and character sketch in my head like no one's business.  Other days that I soldier on without I can't.  Its the antidepressant effect that frees more of my mind from just keeping myself from killing that is making it easier to write on those days.

I don't quite know what to do.  On one hand its not entirely health to ingest on a semi regular basis the amounts of caffeine I've been taking.  On the other it makes it possible for me to work on my worst days which have been getting worse and it makes it possible for me to write.  This being able to write to dream of other places while awake is what makes it so hard to say that I should stop.

Gilly

9-10-11

Been a little while so here's a quick update on my life:

I was denied services from the local mental health org.  Basically I'm to functional to be considered in need of help despite feeling like I need help to prevent myself from becoming dysfunctional.  I have the option to appeal which I'm going to take.

The last few days have been especially bad.  I've woken up and started crying three days this week.  I've been getting plenty of sleep but still feel tired and sluggish.  I've been taking caffeine pills to counteract this.  It's not an ideal solution but it works.  I'm only taking them if I really need them like when I'm in emotional overload and can't focus on work.

Monday I hit a metal shelf at work with the back of my left hand.  On purpose.  The pain helped me reset my thoughts to less depressing topics.  I continued to press, poke and flex my hand for similar effect for a couple of days until I realized doing so was a form of self-harm.  Self-harm along with drinking or doing drugs while depressed are on my blacklist of behaviors so I stopped.

Ok one last thing that is not depressing:  So at work my name-tag says Gil which everyone assumes is short for my birth name which you should be able to figure out.  It's really short for Gillian my chosen name.  Also I prefer to be called Gilly.

Today a new employee asked me, "What's Gil short for?  Gillian?"  Now I'm not out at work and I don't pass as a woman.  I was speechless.  Part of me so wanted to say yes but because I'm not out I felt like I couldn't or shouldn't.  Instead I said, "Its complicated."  Not the answer I wanted to give but the best answer I felt comfortable giving.

That's all I got tonight,
Gilly

8-23-11

I went back to the Gulf Bend Center for my diagnostic/financial evaluation.  

Good news: I make so little money that my max monthly payment would be $0.  

Bad news: the guy I talked to didn’t seem to have any knowledge of trans* stuff.  Despite not knowing anything about trans* stuff, he wanted to talk about my “changing” identity.  

I feel like I may not have expressed myself well enough.  I am functional in day to day life.  But I want to be more than just functional.  I want to feel like I am not just marking time.  I want to feel like I have a future to work toward and not just be living for no reason.  I don’t know if I got this across to him.

The guy has to pass his notes on to his supervisor who will decide if they can/will help me.  I just have this sinking feeling that I’m going to get passed over.  That because I have a job I do good at, have gone to college and done well, have never tried to kill myself, and have not had to go to the ER because of a panic attack he is going to decide I don’t “really” help.  If I didn’t need help I wouldn’t have sought it out.

For more than ten years I have lived with feeling like something was wrong with me.  But I told myself as long as I can hide it, as long as it doesn’t interfere with work or family, then I didn’t need help.  And that has worked for the most part.  It isn’t working anymore.

Part of me feels like revealing my transgender status was a mistake.  That I should have just said I was depressed and didn’t know why and just BS my way through it all.  It’s better to get some help than no help, right?

I’m totally stressing out over this.  I’m not even sure it would be worth it if they did decide to provide counseling.

8-17-11 I'm getting help

So, the other day(Monday) I was feeling really bad(depressed, hopeless, wrong, failing) and I started thinking, like I have at times, that I would rather (stop being, sleep forever, not exist) than feel as bad as I was feeling.  Then I started making plans.  I started to plan how I would get my affairs(money, possessions, cat) in order before killing myself.  This really scared me.

I realized what I was doing and focused on, well, not thinking about killing myself.

I've felt like I would rather die than keep existing before but I've kept this feeling in check.  I know that killing myself is not the answer.  One of the pillars of my personal moral code is to cause as little harm to others as possible.  Killing myself would cause massive harm to those that love, like or even just knew me.  It is not an option I am willing to take.  Except for a brief period of time I was willing.

I went today to the Gulf Bend Center to start getting help.  I have to go back for a diagnostic assessment.  It has been hard to make myself seek help but Monday I realized not getting help was not really an option.

It was hard once I got there to say I needed help.  Even harder was explaining how I've been feeling.  I told the woman I saw about being depressed on and off for about ten years but that it had been getting worse recently.  I had to mention my sister's death which started some water works going.  The woman I talked to asked if there was anything that might have caused my depression.  I wanted to tell her that I'm transgender.  I couldn't say it.  I knew I wanted to be honest but didn't feel like I could trust her.  I knew that I could trust her but I didn't feel it, if that makes any sense.  I had to write it down and show it to her.  She reassured me that she wasn't there to judge me or anything bad.

So recap:  I'm getting help for my depression/anxiety.

Parents might be more accepting than I thought

So, today my parents helped me move the stuff I had put in storage a while back when I didn’t have a place to keep it in.

I told my parents I was transgender three years ago when I finally began to feel that I could accept myself after years of self-doubt.  I’m still working on truly accepting myself but I’m getting there.  

When I told my parents, my mom was more accepting of me while my dad seemed to not want to listen to what I was saying.  He may not have liked what I was saying but he didn’t reject me either.  And we haven’t really talked about it since.

Things haven’t been strained or awkward mostly because I haven’t made much progress in transitioning.  I don’t bring it up and neither do they.  It’s almost like I never came out to them.  There have been a few times that I have heard my mom say she or her when talking about me but it’s always been isolated events.

Today something strange and wonderful happened.  Today my mom AND my dad used she and her when talking about me.  They weren’t perfect about it but I heard more she and hers from them that I heard he and hims.

My dad said to my aunt, “We got her stuff out of storage,” when she asked what we had been doing today.  There was a little hesitation but he didn’t correct himself.  

Part of me wants to think that they’ve decided to support me but don’t know how to come out and say so and this is how they’re doing it.  That part feels like crying with joy.

Part of me wonders if maybe they just slipped up.  That I’m reading to much into a few slips of the tongue.

I hope the first part is right.

Gilly