The guy called back.

The guy from Friday called me yesterday.  He said he thought he had a missed number from my phone and was calling back.  Since I didn't have his number this is obviously an excuse to call me so I would then have his number.  I was busy at the time so we didn't talk long.

I'm debating on whether or not I should call him back.  On one hand I feel like I'm in limbo while transitioning.  On the other hand someone expressed desire for me.  I'm torn between wanting to be wanted and feeling like I can't or shouldn't become involved with anyone.

What makes this doubly hard for me is that I'm not good on the phone.  It feels awkward to talk to someone on the phone.  Then add in my social awkwardness and it seems an impossible task.  How can I possibly ask him what he wants from me and tell him that I'm transgender?

And I will tell him, if I call him back, because if I did't and we hit it off then later I would be torn between telling him and possibly ruining what we had or stop transitioning.  I know me and in that situation I probably would stop transitioning.

I haven't even decided to call him back and already I'm planning out our relationship but I need to take the long view.  If I don't take the long view, if I get bogged down in the present, I am likely to make quick, easy and horribly bad decisions.

I think I'm more confused now than when I started writing this.

Gilly



Then there's the fact that I'm not sure of what I want.

I met a guy

So today I went by my storage unit just to check up on my stuff.  I'm planing on moving everything out of storage soon and wanted to take a quick visual inventory.  Next to the storage place are some apts.  As I was walking past them after I had left my unit a guy called out to me.  He asked me if I wanted a ride.  After informing him of where I needed to go(home) and him saying it wasn't a problem I got in his mini-van and we were off.  Along the way we chatted, well he asked questions and I tried to answer with more than one word because I'm kinda bad at small talk.  He asked when I was off work and what I did on those days and if I would mind if he called me one day.  At which point I realized he might be trying to make a date with me.  When he asked if I had someone who might get mad if he called I became very sure.  I felt a little uncomfortable with the way the conversation was going and I think he sensed that cause he backed off a bit and changed the subject.  I did eventually give him my number.  I'm not entirely sure why.  I think partly it feels good to be wanted.  Maybe partly because I've got no other prospects.

I'm a little scared though.  What did he see me as?  Did he see me as a man?  Did he see me as a woman?  I'm fairly certain he saw me as a man.  I'm honest enough with myself to know I don't pass yet.  But part of me clings to the mad crazy idea that somehow he saw me as a woman.  I'm scared because what if he did and I tell him I'm trans and (every bad thing that could happen because a cis man thought he was 'fooled' by a trans woman) happens.  What if he saw me as a man and I tell him and he isn't interested anymore?

What if I tell him I'm transgender and it doesn't change anything?

He has my number so the ball is in his court so to speak.  I'm going to try my hardest to put this out of my mind and not feel bad if he doesn't call.

Goddess I wish my sister was here so I could talk to her about this.

Going to cry myself to sleep think of my sister,
Gilly

Thoughts about the future of trans* people

(I'm still feeling good which means I have energy and mental fortitude to think about things and to write about things.  Things like the following.  I encourage feedback.  Tell me where my logic is wrong.  Tell me I'm full of BS.  Tell me I need to learn more.  Tell me something.)

I've been thinking a lot about the future of trans* people.

I have been thinking about trans kids and future trans role models.  As it becomes more acceptable to be trans more children are transitioning younger and being prescribed hormone blockers, which means that more are avoiding the permanent changes puberty of their birth sex would cause.  This is a good thing for them.  It also means that they will blend into mainstream cis society much more easily.

What will  Will they even be trans in the way we think of it(I know trans has more definitions than stars in the sky but bear with me)?  Will they just be women and men who had a medical condition when they were younger?  Will

Maybe that's for the best.  Maybe there doesn't always need to be a trans movement.  Maybe we can 'win'.  Maybe one day it won't matter that Suzie was born male or that Mark was born female.  Maybe they will grow up in a world where it's not shameful to be a woman born male or a man born female.  Maybe as soon as they're old enough to understand, they will tell their parents, "Hey I'm a girl," or "Hey I'm a boy."  And their parents will say, "Thank you for telling us.  We'll get your info updated at the school."  And life will go on.

Maybe... but how will they know that it's ok to say that without visible trans people?  If every trans person transitions young and blends in then who will trans people look to know that they will be accepted?  Can we be accepted and still be visible?  How can we blend but still stand out?

I have more thoughts but it's getting late and I have work tomorrow.  I'll try to write more tomorrow.

Till then.

Gilly

7-21-11 Bras, self hate, suicide / I'm feeling better

This week has been one of the best weeks I've had in several months.  I've had some rocky moments but overall I haven't felt really depressed.  I've felt dysphoric about my body though.  A couple of days I've felt... wrong.  I've felt like ripping apart this corpse that I walk around in.  I've felt like a freak.  I'm scared that I will never be who I feel I am.  That everyone will look at me and not see 'me' but this flesh that doesn't meet their expectations of what a woman looks like.

Besides that I really am feeling a lot better than I have since even before my sister died.  I'd like to say that the hormones are leveling out my mood.  It's been three weeks since I restarted hrt.  Part of me really wants this to be the case.  Part of me knows I've had good weeks like this before and they always end.

***

I bought some sports bras online.  I wore one today to work.  I was a little nervous that someone would say something.  After a while I started to relax and mostly forgot about it.  I realized that I'm not wearing it for anyone else but myself so no one has any right to question me about it.  Not that anyone did.  I'm pretty sure that it isn't that hard to notice that I'm wear it but that might just be me knowing what to look for.

To be honest I've needed to wear something to contain my breasts for a while now.  I've put up with a lot of jiggling because I was afraid.  I was afraid of what other people might say.  I was afraid of being who I am because all my life the message I got from society was that being trans* was wrong.  It's weird and freaky and no one wants 'that'.  I bought into this message for twenty odd years and have spent several years trying to deprogram that message from my brain and learn to love myself.

I'm almost there.  It's still in there making me doubt myself and making me want to step backwards.  I am stronger than that.  If I wasn't I wouldn't be here now.  I'd be dead.  Cause that's what that message leads to. Death.  Every dead trans* person is dead because they bought into that message that they are less than.  Less than a man.  Less than a woman.  Less than a person.  How can anyone who believes that keep on living?  They don't.  I've stared into that dark path long and hard.  I still sometimes glance down it.  It promises relief from the unending torment of living.  "Peace," it whispers, "in death."

If there was something after death I might take that path but there isn't.  At least there's no proof that there is. This is my one chance at life.  I'm taking it.  It's taken me too long to grasp this simple idea.  This is the only chance I get to live my life, so why am I not living it the way I want to?

It's easy for me to spout super positive stuff like the last paragraph.  It's harder for me to live it but I'm trying.  I'm trying but it's hard to fight yourself.  I'm taking things one step at a time until I've walked to where I need to be.

This kinda got away from me.  I really just wanted to say I've started wearing sports bras and find them comfortable(no more jiggling) not reflect on my self hate and suicidal thoughts and current feelings of such but there it is.

Tell next time.

Gilly

Update 7-11-11

So my sister died last Saturday.  I'm not great but I'm dealing.  The worst thing is sometimes I forget and then I remember and it hurts like losing her the first time.

I'm getting along with my roommate.  Sometimes I feel weird being in the apt.  I feel out of place and like an intruder.  I stay in my room a lot.  I feel bad about staying in my room a lot like I'm being antisocial but some days I can't deal with being out of my room.

I restarted hrt on June 30 or July 1.

6-15-11

Ok so it's been two weeks since my move to my new to me apt which came with a roommate and three cats.  I'm still adapting to living in a new space.  I feel a little like an intruder since my roommate has been living here longer than me which makes me the new person.  I'm not saying I don't like my roommate cause I really do like her.  Yesterday she asked me if I wanted her to use male or female pronouns.  She's only the second person who has asked me that.  It made me feel like less of a freak(I know I'm not a freak but sometimes I feel like one).

Quick digression to the day I moved(June 1) : That day was the last day I had paid to be in my former apt and the first day I could move into my new apt so I had to move everything that day.  Luckily I hadn't moved much stuff from storage and had no furniture to move.  The friend who had introed me and my new roommate volunteered to help me move.  She picked me up after I got off work.  As she drove out of the parking lot of my work, she mentioned she had seen something I had posted on my facebook and asked me if I wanted her to refer to me as a woman.  She was the first person to ask me that.  I said yes and that was that.  The rest of the day when she had to refer to me in third person she said she or her.  I don't think anyone really caught on that she was doing that but I noticed and it made me feel like less of a freak(again I know I'm not really a freak but I still feel like one sometimes).

Back to the present:  This morning I was feeling mostly neutral.  Then while I was taking some meat up to the prep line I caught part of a conversation between two guys.  They were talking about a woman when one leaned close to the other and whispered, "She used to be a he."  I was kneeling next to them so it wasn't hard for me hear this.  The second guy then said, "Aww no one wants that."  I'm not sure if they said anything else because I kind of went away mentally for a minute while my body finished putting up the meat and walked to the back.  I tried to go back to work but I couldn't focus so I went to the bathroom and broke down for a few minutes.  After that the day was a little more bleak.

I wish I had been able to confront the guy about what he said but I couldn't.  As soon as he said what he said everything became fuzzy and I couldn't think.  The thing that really hurts is that this one of the few guys at work that I was on friendly terms.  Not that I'm enemies with the rest but I don't really talk to them either.  Part of me want's to go back tomorrow and confront him but I know that he won't remember what he said.  To me it was a triggering statement.  To him it was just a mindless comment.  Also I'm not out at work to the majority of my co-workers so I'd also have to out myself to him to explain why it hurt me so much.  The really sad thing was I was considering coming out to him but now I don't feel safe to do so.

Sorry to end on a depressing note but that's all I got for today,
~Gilly

5-31-11

It's been three weeks since I last posted anything, mostly due to my depression.

I'm moving out of the one bedroom apt I moved into at the beginning of the month.  I'm moving into a two bedroom with a friend of a friend who needed a roommate because her's was getting married and moving out.  I'm moving in tomorrow in fact.  It's kind of scary but I think it will better for me than living alone.  Also the rent will be cheaper and we will have internet, something I have been missing at home.

Really just wanted to check in after being gone for so long.  Maybe now that I'll have internet at home I'll post more often.

~Gilly

The following is for my own benefit so if I need to remember what happened on this day I can.

HEALTH NOTE:  Last night I got to bed late.  This morning I took a 200mg caffeine pill along with two Excedrin on my way to work(7:30 ish).  Shortly after I got to work they kicked in and I entered a hypomanic state which is what I intended to happen.  Later around 9:30 my mouth began to water and I felt a very strong urge to vomit.  I made it to the bathroom and dry heaved a couple of times(I had not eaten anything since the night before) before vomiting acid and some black specks(internet research suggests this may have been blood).  I continued to feel sick for another hour before feeling like I had to vomit again.  This second vomit was the same as the first.  Again I continued to feel sick afterwards.  Around 12:00-12:30 I once more felt the strong urge to vomit.  I was working cash and fought off the urge.  Manager noticed I was a little off, I said my stomache was upset, he offered me some pepto bismo which I took.  I began to feel better but still a little sick.  Finished my shift without feeling like I had to vomit again.  I ate a sandwich which seems to have helped a little.  Black specks(blood) were of a very small amount.  Will watch for reoccurrence.