9-10-11

Been a little while so here's a quick update on my life:

I was denied services from the local mental health org.  Basically I'm to functional to be considered in need of help despite feeling like I need help to prevent myself from becoming dysfunctional.  I have the option to appeal which I'm going to take.

The last few days have been especially bad.  I've woken up and started crying three days this week.  I've been getting plenty of sleep but still feel tired and sluggish.  I've been taking caffeine pills to counteract this.  It's not an ideal solution but it works.  I'm only taking them if I really need them like when I'm in emotional overload and can't focus on work.

Monday I hit a metal shelf at work with the back of my left hand.  On purpose.  The pain helped me reset my thoughts to less depressing topics.  I continued to press, poke and flex my hand for similar effect for a couple of days until I realized doing so was a form of self-harm.  Self-harm along with drinking or doing drugs while depressed are on my blacklist of behaviors so I stopped.

Ok one last thing that is not depressing:  So at work my name-tag says Gil which everyone assumes is short for my birth name which you should be able to figure out.  It's really short for Gillian my chosen name.  Also I prefer to be called Gilly.

Today a new employee asked me, "What's Gil short for?  Gillian?"  Now I'm not out at work and I don't pass as a woman.  I was speechless.  Part of me so wanted to say yes but because I'm not out I felt like I couldn't or shouldn't.  Instead I said, "Its complicated."  Not the answer I wanted to give but the best answer I felt comfortable giving.

That's all I got tonight,
Gilly

8-23-11

I went back to the Gulf Bend Center for my diagnostic/financial evaluation.  

Good news: I make so little money that my max monthly payment would be $0.  

Bad news: the guy I talked to didn’t seem to have any knowledge of trans* stuff.  Despite not knowing anything about trans* stuff, he wanted to talk about my “changing” identity.  

I feel like I may not have expressed myself well enough.  I am functional in day to day life.  But I want to be more than just functional.  I want to feel like I am not just marking time.  I want to feel like I have a future to work toward and not just be living for no reason.  I don’t know if I got this across to him.

The guy has to pass his notes on to his supervisor who will decide if they can/will help me.  I just have this sinking feeling that I’m going to get passed over.  That because I have a job I do good at, have gone to college and done well, have never tried to kill myself, and have not had to go to the ER because of a panic attack he is going to decide I don’t “really” help.  If I didn’t need help I wouldn’t have sought it out.

For more than ten years I have lived with feeling like something was wrong with me.  But I told myself as long as I can hide it, as long as it doesn’t interfere with work or family, then I didn’t need help.  And that has worked for the most part.  It isn’t working anymore.

Part of me feels like revealing my transgender status was a mistake.  That I should have just said I was depressed and didn’t know why and just BS my way through it all.  It’s better to get some help than no help, right?

I’m totally stressing out over this.  I’m not even sure it would be worth it if they did decide to provide counseling.

8-17-11 I'm getting help

So, the other day(Monday) I was feeling really bad(depressed, hopeless, wrong, failing) and I started thinking, like I have at times, that I would rather (stop being, sleep forever, not exist) than feel as bad as I was feeling.  Then I started making plans.  I started to plan how I would get my affairs(money, possessions, cat) in order before killing myself.  This really scared me.

I realized what I was doing and focused on, well, not thinking about killing myself.

I've felt like I would rather die than keep existing before but I've kept this feeling in check.  I know that killing myself is not the answer.  One of the pillars of my personal moral code is to cause as little harm to others as possible.  Killing myself would cause massive harm to those that love, like or even just knew me.  It is not an option I am willing to take.  Except for a brief period of time I was willing.

I went today to the Gulf Bend Center to start getting help.  I have to go back for a diagnostic assessment.  It has been hard to make myself seek help but Monday I realized not getting help was not really an option.

It was hard once I got there to say I needed help.  Even harder was explaining how I've been feeling.  I told the woman I saw about being depressed on and off for about ten years but that it had been getting worse recently.  I had to mention my sister's death which started some water works going.  The woman I talked to asked if there was anything that might have caused my depression.  I wanted to tell her that I'm transgender.  I couldn't say it.  I knew I wanted to be honest but didn't feel like I could trust her.  I knew that I could trust her but I didn't feel it, if that makes any sense.  I had to write it down and show it to her.  She reassured me that she wasn't there to judge me or anything bad.

So recap:  I'm getting help for my depression/anxiety.

Parents might be more accepting than I thought

So, today my parents helped me move the stuff I had put in storage a while back when I didn’t have a place to keep it in.

I told my parents I was transgender three years ago when I finally began to feel that I could accept myself after years of self-doubt.  I’m still working on truly accepting myself but I’m getting there.  

When I told my parents, my mom was more accepting of me while my dad seemed to not want to listen to what I was saying.  He may not have liked what I was saying but he didn’t reject me either.  And we haven’t really talked about it since.

Things haven’t been strained or awkward mostly because I haven’t made much progress in transitioning.  I don’t bring it up and neither do they.  It’s almost like I never came out to them.  There have been a few times that I have heard my mom say she or her when talking about me but it’s always been isolated events.

Today something strange and wonderful happened.  Today my mom AND my dad used she and her when talking about me.  They weren’t perfect about it but I heard more she and hers from them that I heard he and hims.

My dad said to my aunt, “We got her stuff out of storage,” when she asked what we had been doing today.  There was a little hesitation but he didn’t correct himself.  

Part of me wants to think that they’ve decided to support me but don’t know how to come out and say so and this is how they’re doing it.  That part feels like crying with joy.

Part of me wonders if maybe they just slipped up.  That I’m reading to much into a few slips of the tongue.

I hope the first part is right.

Gilly

The guy called back.

The guy from Friday called me yesterday.  He said he thought he had a missed number from my phone and was calling back.  Since I didn't have his number this is obviously an excuse to call me so I would then have his number.  I was busy at the time so we didn't talk long.

I'm debating on whether or not I should call him back.  On one hand I feel like I'm in limbo while transitioning.  On the other hand someone expressed desire for me.  I'm torn between wanting to be wanted and feeling like I can't or shouldn't become involved with anyone.

What makes this doubly hard for me is that I'm not good on the phone.  It feels awkward to talk to someone on the phone.  Then add in my social awkwardness and it seems an impossible task.  How can I possibly ask him what he wants from me and tell him that I'm transgender?

And I will tell him, if I call him back, because if I did't and we hit it off then later I would be torn between telling him and possibly ruining what we had or stop transitioning.  I know me and in that situation I probably would stop transitioning.

I haven't even decided to call him back and already I'm planning out our relationship but I need to take the long view.  If I don't take the long view, if I get bogged down in the present, I am likely to make quick, easy and horribly bad decisions.

I think I'm more confused now than when I started writing this.

Gilly



Then there's the fact that I'm not sure of what I want.

I met a guy

So today I went by my storage unit just to check up on my stuff.  I'm planing on moving everything out of storage soon and wanted to take a quick visual inventory.  Next to the storage place are some apts.  As I was walking past them after I had left my unit a guy called out to me.  He asked me if I wanted a ride.  After informing him of where I needed to go(home) and him saying it wasn't a problem I got in his mini-van and we were off.  Along the way we chatted, well he asked questions and I tried to answer with more than one word because I'm kinda bad at small talk.  He asked when I was off work and what I did on those days and if I would mind if he called me one day.  At which point I realized he might be trying to make a date with me.  When he asked if I had someone who might get mad if he called I became very sure.  I felt a little uncomfortable with the way the conversation was going and I think he sensed that cause he backed off a bit and changed the subject.  I did eventually give him my number.  I'm not entirely sure why.  I think partly it feels good to be wanted.  Maybe partly because I've got no other prospects.

I'm a little scared though.  What did he see me as?  Did he see me as a man?  Did he see me as a woman?  I'm fairly certain he saw me as a man.  I'm honest enough with myself to know I don't pass yet.  But part of me clings to the mad crazy idea that somehow he saw me as a woman.  I'm scared because what if he did and I tell him I'm trans and (every bad thing that could happen because a cis man thought he was 'fooled' by a trans woman) happens.  What if he saw me as a man and I tell him and he isn't interested anymore?

What if I tell him I'm transgender and it doesn't change anything?

He has my number so the ball is in his court so to speak.  I'm going to try my hardest to put this out of my mind and not feel bad if he doesn't call.

Goddess I wish my sister was here so I could talk to her about this.

Going to cry myself to sleep think of my sister,
Gilly

Thoughts about the future of trans* people

(I'm still feeling good which means I have energy and mental fortitude to think about things and to write about things.  Things like the following.  I encourage feedback.  Tell me where my logic is wrong.  Tell me I'm full of BS.  Tell me I need to learn more.  Tell me something.)

I've been thinking a lot about the future of trans* people.

I have been thinking about trans kids and future trans role models.  As it becomes more acceptable to be trans more children are transitioning younger and being prescribed hormone blockers, which means that more are avoiding the permanent changes puberty of their birth sex would cause.  This is a good thing for them.  It also means that they will blend into mainstream cis society much more easily.

What will  Will they even be trans in the way we think of it(I know trans has more definitions than stars in the sky but bear with me)?  Will they just be women and men who had a medical condition when they were younger?  Will

Maybe that's for the best.  Maybe there doesn't always need to be a trans movement.  Maybe we can 'win'.  Maybe one day it won't matter that Suzie was born male or that Mark was born female.  Maybe they will grow up in a world where it's not shameful to be a woman born male or a man born female.  Maybe as soon as they're old enough to understand, they will tell their parents, "Hey I'm a girl," or "Hey I'm a boy."  And their parents will say, "Thank you for telling us.  We'll get your info updated at the school."  And life will go on.

Maybe... but how will they know that it's ok to say that without visible trans people?  If every trans person transitions young and blends in then who will trans people look to know that they will be accepted?  Can we be accepted and still be visible?  How can we blend but still stand out?

I have more thoughts but it's getting late and I have work tomorrow.  I'll try to write more tomorrow.

Till then.

Gilly