5-31-11

It's been three weeks since I last posted anything, mostly due to my depression.

I'm moving out of the one bedroom apt I moved into at the beginning of the month.  I'm moving into a two bedroom with a friend of a friend who needed a roommate because her's was getting married and moving out.  I'm moving in tomorrow in fact.  It's kind of scary but I think it will better for me than living alone.  Also the rent will be cheaper and we will have internet, something I have been missing at home.

Really just wanted to check in after being gone for so long.  Maybe now that I'll have internet at home I'll post more often.

~Gilly

The following is for my own benefit so if I need to remember what happened on this day I can.

HEALTH NOTE:  Last night I got to bed late.  This morning I took a 200mg caffeine pill along with two Excedrin on my way to work(7:30 ish).  Shortly after I got to work they kicked in and I entered a hypomanic state which is what I intended to happen.  Later around 9:30 my mouth began to water and I felt a very strong urge to vomit.  I made it to the bathroom and dry heaved a couple of times(I had not eaten anything since the night before) before vomiting acid and some black specks(internet research suggests this may have been blood).  I continued to feel sick for another hour before feeling like I had to vomit again.  This second vomit was the same as the first.  Again I continued to feel sick afterwards.  Around 12:00-12:30 I once more felt the strong urge to vomit.  I was working cash and fought off the urge.  Manager noticed I was a little off, I said my stomache was upset, he offered me some pepto bismo which I took.  I began to feel better but still a little sick.  Finished my shift without feeling like I had to vomit again.  I ate a sandwich which seems to have helped a little.  Black specks(blood) were of a very small amount.  Will watch for reoccurrence.

5-10-11

I'm still here.  I don't know if I really want to be here.

Every morning I make the choice to get up and go to work like a real person.  I don't feel like a real person.  I'm empty.  A shell that looks and moves and sounds like a person.

Hopelessness burns like fire on my soul.
In this moment and the next and the next I am fine.
Only when I let the future in does the emptiness try to consume me.
What am I living for?  What is my purpose?  Why don't I just give up?

I want to stop living.
I want peace in my soul.
I want quiet in my mind.
I want a respite from this endless fight to be.

I'm tired of fighting myself.  I'm tired of everything.
Why can't I just lie down?
Why don't I just end it?
Why do I keep pretending everything is all right when my world is crumbling burning falling drowning bleeding into nothingness?

Because I don't know how to do anything else.
I've told you a thousand times in my head these things.
And a thousand times you've said nothing back.  Not even in my dreams.
How could you when I will never tell you these things?

I'm afraid to die without telling you.
I'm more afraid that once I tell you I won't be afraid to die.

This is not a suicide note.  This is merely a brief snapshot of my state of mind.  I will return with happier or at least less depressing posts.

~Gilly

4-26-11

Mood:  Today I feel okayish.  Almost neutral but I can feel an undercurrent of negative emotions in the back of my head.  Sunday after I got home from our family's Easter get together, I crashed emotionally, curled up on my bed and passed out for a couple of hours before getting up and taking my clothes to wash.

Happenings:  I'm still working on the Film Club t-shirt.  I'm going to try to finalize the design tonight.  I'll be working on the film for Haven the rest of the week and weekend.  Part of me feels bad about waiting until the last two weeks before it needs to be done but it's hard for me to dedicate myself to a project that has too much time left before the deadline.

I met with the woman who's roommate is getting married and moving out.  We seem to be compatible as roommates and maybe friends in time.  The friend who recommended her to me came along to ease to awkwardness.  The three of us went on short nature walk, ate at Double Dave's and then saw African Cats.  So we ended up spending about seven hours together.

Media:  I've started playing Deadspace.  I'm playing about two hours a night.  So far the game is very good.

Writing:  I've given up on Script Frenzy.  I don't have the mental energy right now to do it.

~Gilly

4-18-11

Mood: Detached, depressed, feeling worthless and useless.  I know I'm not worthless or useless.  I tell myself that I am worth something and I can do almost anything I put my mind to.  It's hard to believe myself sometimes when it doesn't 'feel' true even if I know it to be true.

Happenings:  A friend has introed me to one of her friends who is looking for a new roommate (current one is getting married).  We've just exchanged an email but will be meeting to get to know each other to see if we'll get along.

Media:  I finished Mass Effect 3.  Only one of my team died in the final mission.  I'm tempted to replay the last mission just to keep him alive but part of me feels like it would be cheating to do so.  During the final mission I made what I thought were the best choices at the time.  Those choices led to that teammate's death.  That's the story I played.  To replay that mission and rig the outcome to save him would be like rewriting Wash's death in Serenity.  You may not agree with what happened but it happened.

Writing:  I've not written anything since my last post.  I'm hoping that I'll be able to do some writing soon.

~Gilly

4-13-11

Mood: I've been feeling a little better the past two days.  I've been feeling less of the soul crushing hopelessness and worthlessness.  I feel empty in a kind of neutral way.  I'm feeling kinda detached from what's happening around me a lot of the time.

Happenings:  I've been keeping busy with Script Frenzy, see below; designing a t-shirt for the film club, and making a short film for Haven.  As long as I have something to do I don't feel completely useless.  I worry about what I'll do when I'm done with these projects.

Media:  I've gone to see a couple of movies since Sucker Punch, which is already out of the theaters.  I saw Paul and Hanna.  Paul was just a fun geeky movie.  A little offensive in a couple of spots but mostly just fun.  Hanna was good in a different way.  I liked it but it was a little too artsy at points.  I also didn't like the way the main character's motivation came from her father and not from her own decisions.

Writing:  I'm doing Script Frenzy, which is a month long effort to write a 100 page script.  I'm currently at 15 pages.  If I can write an average of 4-5 pages a day for the rest of the month I'll meet the total easy.

4-11-11

Quick post before my netbook battery dies on me.

I'm still feeling depressed.  It's worse than ever before and lasting longer than I can remember a depressive episode to last.  On a scale of one to ten I've been having a lot of ones and two for the last month and a half to two months I think.  I've been trying to stay busy with Haven and the Film Club and with friends but I still have to go home alone at some point.

No promises as to when my next post will be.

~Gilly

3-28-11 Sucker Punch

I went into Sucker Punch knowing as little as possible.  I knew Zack Snyder had directed it and it was his story.  I had seen the trailer and I knew it was a bout a group of women trying to escape from a mental hospital.  That's all I knew.  It was enough to get me into the theater.

I went in thinking that at the very least I would see a fun action packed movie.  Sucker Punch delivers on the that front and more.  You are probably not going to believe me but Suckerpunch is not just a mere action movie; it is a Film.  A movie is entertaining; a Film is art.  You can watch it as an action movie but if you want you can begin to peel back the layers of this Film and find a work of art.  I've been replaying the movie in my head all weekend long.  I've never felt so enraptured by a movie before.

Looking around the internet I see quite a few people are seriously hating on this movie.  I wish I had the energy to engage them in discussions and really find out why they hate it.

Mood: Still depressed.  I've had a few really bad days and a few not as bad days.  On a scale of 1-10 I've been averaging about a 3 for the last week.

Happenings: I went to see Sucker Punch.  See above for my reaction to it.

Media: Over the weekend I saw Sydney White and Push.  Push was an ok movie.  Pretty standard thriller/action movie.  It doesn't have a proper ending through, instead opting for a sequel hook that wouldn't be bad if they had made the sequel, which they didn't due to the movie doing poorly.

Sydney White is also an ok movie.  I've been working on a piece that I'll be posting here later in the week about how LGBT people are portrayed in the film.  They're not important to the plot and are only on screen for a few minutes but I think it's important to talk about how LGBT people are portrayed when they are shown as part of the normal human continuum.

Writing:  The aforementioned piece on LGBT in Sydney White.  I'm also been thinking about how trans* characters are usually portrayed in fiction, especially movies.  I might have something about that as well soon.

I've also been trying to flesh out the bare middle of an older story.  The other day I had some great ideas and even scripted a full scene in my head while I was working but didn't make any notes and when I tried to remember them after work I couldn't.

That's all I got right now,

~Gilly