I'm still here for what it's worth.

I've wanted to post a couple of time in the past week or so but my posts keep getting derailed by the fact that I have been feeling more depressed than usual. So I figure I'd write a little about that.

I am depressed. It's easy to type but so hard to say. I've only said it once in passing to someone. If I were to tell more people part of me would feel like I was just fishing for sympathy.

What makes it harder is that I am functional in day to day life and I actually excel at my job. But I don't feel happy most of the time. At work I sometime begin to feel like everything is wrong that I'm doing a terrible job and the store will soon begin to fall apart. I KNOW that none of that is true but I still feel it. I have to remind myself that everything is fine that I'm doing the best job that I can and the store is running fine. I have to do this almost constantly some days.

To be a little random here is a pic of my cat Pia. It took me almost fifteen minutes to get a pic in which she wasn't just a blur.

I have returned

Due to paychecks and bills lining up just right I was left with a little extra money this month, which I spent on a new netbook. That's right I have rejoined the internet world so expect longer and more frequent posting. But not right away. Right now I'm working on installing all the programs I use to use on a daily basis. Things like a feed reader and openoffice and Miro and tweetdeck and stuff I can't remember right now. Also I need to rebuild my bookmarks from scratch. Plus I'm going to be looking into finding some free animation programs for a project I'm working on with a coworker.

So I'm back but not really until later in the week. See you all then.

Gilly

Since I haven't done so in a while, I'm posting a pic of myself. Please excuse the wet hair I'm typing this up between showering and going to work.

Quick Update

Yes it's just another I'm still alive posts.

I'm typing this on the computer at my workplace. It's been months since I typed on a keyboard infront of a real monitor. The Wii barely passes as a web browser.

Anyways I'm still running both stores but the regional manager will be in next week and she said she would be making a decision about managment then. I'm hoping that she will decide to make me the new manager. I would need a little more training to really take over but I really feel like it would be the best thing for the stores and employees.

I bought a car. After three years of choosing not to own one, I am once more a car owner. It kind of became essentiall after the stores fell into my lap. I needed to be able to say, "I'll be there in five minutes," if something went wrong at either store, which has happened in the past month.

It is New Year's Eve so I guess a resolution or two is in order. I'm not really big on resolutions as goals to achive and cross off a list but rather as something to strive toward like world peace or eating less desert.

Resolutions for 2010:

Really the only one I care to make is: Make more progress in transition. I've made this resolution twice before but I don't feel like I've failed to achive it. While I'm not yet living as a woman in my day to day life, I have come out to my parents and at my previous job and I have started hrt. I'm marking my own path. It might be longer than others but I will arrive.

I gotta go the mall doors will be locked soon and I need to do laundry tonight. See ya soon I hope.

Gilly

Ubdate: Still alive

The rumors of my demise have been grossly inflated. I have been offline for most of the past month. Yes it is possible to get online with a Wii, however it is not very conveniant thus my absence.

Due to very unforeseeable events I am now in charge of both the cookie store and the pretzel shop as acting genaral manager until it is made offical(what I hope happens) or someone is brought into the stores and made general manager(what I hope doesn't happen).

Two weeks ago my manager had a lapse in judgement and lost his job. I don't want to say anything else about the matter.

I'm worried about lossing the stores. This job feels so right. Over the past two weeks I've felt stressed out and tired but I've not once felt like not going to work. I love the people I work with and they have shown me that I mean something to them as well. Friday I had a bit of a breakdown out work. The stress plus not knowing what my district manager was planning for the store came crashing down on me. I left a little early but before I left several of my workers, seeing me upset, came over and reasured me that I was a good manager and I was doing fine. I feel a level of acceptance from these people that overwhelms me. I Know tht if I came out to them they would be fine wih it. Some might be confused but I don't think any would quit or misstreat me. I've felt this way for a while now and had been building up the courage to come out first to my manager then the rest of my coworkers. I had hoped that my manager could help protect me from any negative reactions from the regional or district manager. He was LGBT friendly and not one who would fire someone for any reason other than not doing what they were being paid to do. Now I'm alone. I wish could say my entire team would walk out if I was fired for beening trans but I really don't want to put anyone in that position. So for now I've put coming out on hold until I'm in a less shakey position.

It's been a crazy ride from quiting one job to being hired at the cookie store to assistant manager and now acting manager in just over a year. And yet it feels like I'm where I belong. I feel like I'm among family at work. I feel like I never want to lose this and I'm afraid I will.

New hire/transgender issues

I'm back online after being cut off from my digital world due to a damaged phone jack. I've had a new one installed in a place where it is much less likely to be damaged. I'm still using my Wii to post but I have gotten a usb keyboard to type with.

The last couple of weeks were spent training the manager and assistant manager for the new pretzel store my company is opening in the next few weeks. I had a great time mainly due to the two to them being great people to work with and to teach.

This week I am again training someone but not for another store. This guy is not the first person that has been hired for my store but he is the first that I have personally hired. I've work with him before at a previous job so I wasn't just hiring blindly from an aplication. I've had one day with him so far and I think he's going to work out great.

I'm feeling more depressed lately about not coming out at work and in general life. Yesterday a man asked me what Gil was short for. He was ofcourse refering to my name tag. I hesitated and he went on to suggest some possible names, "Gillian, Gilligan, 'Jillian'" and a couple more female names. I was mildly stunned and was vague and didn't confirm anything.

I hesitated becaue I didn't want to say 'his' name(I've stated thinking of it as his name rather then my name, which is probably not a very mentally healthy thing to do). I cringe inside when my coworkers call me by his name. This is rare as they all call me Gil or Gilly, which I know is short for his name but it's also short for the name I've chosen for myself, Gillian.

My new hire saw my transgender symbol necklace and asked about it. I was able to deflect his question and change the subject but part of me wishes I didn't have to. I wish I could make this big issue a nonissue. I could by coming out. However (I've said it before and I may say it a hundred more times before I stop believing it), I'm afraid I'll lose everything. I'm afraid that my life is a card house and my coming out would be like a gust wind scattering it into disarray.

Another update brought to you by the Wii

Still haven't got a usb keyboard but pointing at letters is not as bad as using a thumbstick at least in my opinion.

News item - I got a cat or to be more accurate she found me last week on my way to wash clothes. She just came out of nowhere and started meowing loudly while following me. When I saw her blindly run across the street yo follow me, I knew I either had to take her home or well, at that point I couldn't see an alternative.

I decided to name her Pia, which is short for pain in ass. She has lived up to her in the past week. She cries alot when I'm not around, which is to be expected what with her being in a new place. She does stop if someone is around but does start up again when she sees me come in the room.

Thought item - Wednesday will mark one year at my current job. I should be making this post then but I will probably not feel like doing it then.

One year ago I was just about to run out of money after taking a month long 'vaction' after quitting my previous job, which paid well but was also stressing me out to the point of having panic attacks. So I set out to find a job and lucked out and got hired my first day job hunting.

Now one year later I'm the assistant manager to the store, I'm a salaried employee, I'm in charge of the pretzel shop the company added to the cookie store, this week I'm training two people to run a second pretzel shop in another city and next month I will be there to help them open it.

I feel like so much good stuff has happened jobwise for me but on a personal level I feel like I've been standing still. I've formed strong bonds with the people that I work with. They feel like family most of the time. But I still have not come out to them. I know I don't have to but doesn't feel right to hide who I am from them. I'm scared that the fear of losing everything I've accomplished in the last year will be for nothing when I'm fired after coming out as trans. I don't know that will happen.

Ok lets try a little positive thinking. Best case senario - I tell my boss and he backs me 100%, I transition and stay working a job Iove and with people I love. It feels like a future that could be if I if I'm brave enough to reach for it.

Posting from wii

So its been awhile since I posted. I had one week of just being too tired to post. One week and a half of being depressed and not feeling like posting. And then my netbook stopped working. I took it back to Best Buy to have it fixed. After three weeks they called me to pick it up. When I got there I was first told that they couldn't fix it but after reading the papers that came back with it and asking a few questions I determined that there was a problem with their parts ordering/repair tracking system. I got a full refund for the netbook and the service plan I had bought for it.

There wasn`t another netbook there that Iliked so I held onto the money over the weekend before deciding to buy a wii.

Quite a bit has happened in the last few weeks but it is really slow typing this one letter at a time. Expect a longer post when I get a usb keyboard in the next few days.