I Got Fired

I don't feel like typing up the whole story so I'll just say I let my temper get the best of me and I did something I wish I hadn't and now I'm without a job.

I was fired yesterday by my regional manager. I feel a little numb about the whole thing that is when I'm not feeling hopeless about the future. This job was my life. I Don't know what I'm going to do now. The people I worked with are like family and now I've been thrust out of the home we created at work. I may be romanticizing just a little. I've only been there for two years but I can't imagine working anywhere else.

I'm ok moneywise for a couple of weeks maybe up to a month if I'm very careful with what I spend money on. I'm thinking of taking that time to try my hand at writing for money again.

The event that got me fired happened Saturday. I was suspended for a week during which the regional manager came down and decided to fire me. Early in the week my sister told our manager(she works at the same store I did) that it may have been the hormones I was taking that caused me to lose my temper the way I did. She also told her that I use the name Gillian online. I was a little worried that this might create some tension between us until my sister told me that my manager had said I might be happier if I expressed some more femininity and that I would make a beautiful woman. So now we're closer than we were but now I'm not working with her and I feel so sad.

This too shall pass. One door close and another opens. I'm going to fine. I promise.

Gilly

It's my birthday

I say this not to inform anyone but to explain why I got a card from my parents. A card that very blatantly features the words son, boy, and man. I come out to them as trans two years ago. Maybe I wasn't as clear as I could have been but they seemed to et the idea. Until recently when I noticed that card they were giving my for Christmas and now my birthday are very much for a guy. This isn't to say that I'm totally sad today. My sister gave me two cards today neither of them 'for a guy' and I've gotten more than a few happy birthdays via facebook and txt. It's just, they're my parents. You know. Well enough moping about that, I'm going to read the internets now.

Writing update

Well two days ago I finished the second script for the animated series I've been working on with my co-worker. I don't know if I mentioned when I finished the first script but it was done two months ago and took two months to write. Which if you parsed that last sentence means I took two months to write each script. This is the single longest piece of fiction I've written at fifteen pages. I am immensely proud for staying with this project but I know that I couldn't/wouldn't have even started it if I didn't have my co-worker(here after reffered to as Neil) to keep me focused on the project. He came up with the original concept and characters. He has helped me come up with numerous plots. He is half the creative team on this project. I don't know what I would do without him.

You know one of the more satisfying things I've done lately has been handing a script to Neil and watching him laugh as he reads it. It also lets me know that I am writing stuff that is funny to other people and not just myself.

On a slightly different note I found a notebook with about half a dozen partial stories in it. Some are ok and some are good and one made me go 'who wrote this?' cause it seems much better than anything I've written before. I'm thinking about reviving my second blog as a flash fiction blog instead of the serial story that stalled blog. More on that as it developes.

Stopping now cause my cat is threatening me bodily harm if I don't give her snuggles.

Recently I had a bit of a revelation. As you may know I am the assistant manager at my job. What you may not know is that I don't always feel like I've earned it. I sometime feel like everything I'm doing is wrong. That I'm failing in every aspect of my job. I can look around and 'see' that I'm doing my job just fine and the store is not failing because of me but I still 'feel' it. So I put as much effort as I can into the store because not doing so make me feel like a failure. Everything that goes wrong feels like someone telling me I'm doing a bad job, whether or not it's something I can control.

I've learned to deal with these feelings and thoughts. Somedays are worse than others. Somedays I feel fine. Others I cry in the bathroom.

The other day was a bad day. First there was an email about a customer complaint. Then another customer came to the store about a cake we had messed up. And then another one called about another cake we had messed up. None of these complaints were my fault but I still felt like I was being told I sucked at doing my job. I tried very hard not to break down. But I couldn't not break down so I went to the bathroom and had myself a cry. Afterward I felt better for having letting it out.

I bought a book called The Depression Handbook. I thought it might help and if I had bought it five years ago it might have been of some help. Today I'm beyond that book in dealing with my depression. Every tip and trick and all helpful advice that fills it are things I've taught myself over the past few years. On one hand I feel good that I am managing my depression fairly well. On the other hand I'm like, "Is this as good as it gets? Am I going to feel like this till I die?" I wanted to see that the path goes on and instead I got a map to where I am now. When I was done reading the book I threw it across the room. Not a very mature response I know but it was how I felt at the time. I wish I had had some sort of realization about where I was headed, some sort of positive message to end on but I didn't.

I'm just typing sweet nothings to any who read this to let you know I'm still alive.

Poetry Corner

Ok so I was trying to write one thing and something entirely different sprang to mind. It has either been a very long time since I posts a poem or the first time I have. I'm a bit too tried to look right now. So with out any more a ado I bring you:


"Sounds of an Author"
by Gillian Gilbert (Gilly) [Last name withheld]


Scribble Scribble Scribble

Note Note Note

Write Plot Write

Plot Write Plot

Read Read Read

Rewrite Rewrite Write

Rewrite Plot Write

Rewrite Write Rewrite

Read

Rewrite Rewrite Write

Write Rewrite Rewrite

Read Read

Rewrite Rewrite Rewrite

Let Story Escape...

[END]

A flash in the dark

Today a woman said to me, "Thank you, sir.. I'm sorry, ma'am." Then she smiled and I smiled back and she walked away with her cookies.

I make note of this cause it feels good when I'm gendered female by others. It feels right. I make note of this because so much of the time I don't feel good and I don't feel right. This is like a flash of light in a dark tunnel reminding me what light looks like.

Someone got fired

No not me. Someone else. At my work. We've been short a few times in the last couple of weeks. Big even amounts. Thursday we were short. When I asked the woman, who I didn't want to think was doing what I thought she was doing, if anything had happened on the short register, she lied to me. I didn't know it was a lie but I felt it. I told me manager what I suspected. She looked over the security footage and found her stealing. So she was fired.

Part of me wants to be proud that I 'solved the mystery.' Part of me wishes I had stayed silent. Part of me wishes I wasn't quite so clever. The woman who was fired was my friend. (And you out there who wants to say if she had been my friend she wouldn't have stolen from the store, well you can just hush up cause sometimes people do things that don't seem very friendlike but still are friends.) But the larger part of me knows that I did what I had to do. As my manager said, "This is why you're the assistant manager." I looked out for the store's best interest. I did my job. I still feel lousy.