Walking in the Rain

To offset the dark tones of the last post I thought I would post something positive.

Lately it's been raining in my area. I love the rain but I didn't know how much until the last week. It was Friday and I was walking to my bank from work which is about six blocks away. When the drops started falling my first thoughts were, "Oh great I'm going to be soaked by the time I get to the bank." At first I felt kind of annoyed at the rain then I felt my mood begin to lighten and suddenly I felt great. The rain tapping across my head, arms face and body felt great. It was like someone flicked a switch in my head from moody/depressed to happy. Twice I was asked if I needed a ride and I turned down both offers. After cashing my check I started to wait near the doors where there is a covered area for the bus. As I waited there I started to feel uneasy. I knew something didn't feel right but I didn't know what. It seemed strange that I had been feeling fine before when walking in the rain but now under some cover from the rain I felt off. So I stepped out into the rain and slowly like before I began to feel more at easy, happier, better.

I've been caught out in the rain a couple more time and felt the same thing.

Dreams and other thoughts

I had a dream a couple of nights ago. I was in a doctor's office, the doctor was telling me about some test he wanted to run, I wasn't really paying attention until he mentioned getting a sample of my eggs. I stopped him and said that wasn't possible. He went on to explain that it was a very important test and it would hardly be any trouble for me at all. I then told him that I didn't have ovaries for him to sample from. He went on saying that ofcouse I did and that they were right here, he gently poked a spot on my abdomen. When he poked me I looked down and saw I the shirt I was wearing was open and I could my body, that is except for being a little thinner and having larger breasts it looked like my body. I looked back at him and very reluctantly said I was born male. He paused, hmmed, said then I didn't need that test then and went on with his explanations.

I've had dreams like this before. Not exactly like this. In these dreams I'm me but not me. I'm me after transition. I love this dreams for the hint of the normal life I could have, the life without this pain of not being me. I hate them because they end and I awake in the nightmare that is my life.

I want to talk about suicide. I have thought about it. Really thought about it. Sometimes while waiting to cross the street I will look at cars and trucks and wonder if this one is going fast enough to end me. I once walked past a steamroller and thought about diving under the roller. When I worked as the slicer at the deli I thought about using it to slice open my arms. I don't think I will ever act on these thoughts. As long as there is someone who cares about me I will not act on these thoughts. I could never hurt someone like that. At least I hope that I will never hurt the people who care about like that. I am depressed but I don't want to die. These thoughts of suicide scare me sometimes.

Ending a bit of a dark note here but please don't worry. This is not a suicide note. I'm not planning on killing myself. It's just been on my mind. The above paragraph is distiled from weeks of thoughts. I'm not emo or going goth. Not that there's anything wrong with that.^_^

Till next time
Gilly

Sorry I've been away

Almost two months since I last posted here. I've had a bit of trouble with the internet at my house so I'm only online when I'm at a hotspot. I've been doing ok. I got a new job a few weeks ago and got my first paycheck friday. I'm back at the deli I worked at two years ago, which I quit shortly before starting this blog. I wish I could say that I only went back because I had no other options but that's not true. After I got fired from the cookie store I let myself wallow in my depression. I coddled myself rather than force myself to look for a job. The best I could manage was one day visiting three businesses and filling out two applications. One day out of about forty.

But that is mostly behind me now. I'm still feeling depressed but a little less I think. I've been writing more for the project I started with my friend at the cookie store. I've also been working on a couple of other stories which may or may not be good, it is still to early to know for sure and I am working on them only in private so I have no feedback but I am hopeful.

My battery is running low so I'm going to stop here but I'm going to try to write a couple of blog posts tonight and put them up some time soon. Till then Bye.
Oh yeah here's a pic of me that I just took:

I Got Fired

I don't feel like typing up the whole story so I'll just say I let my temper get the best of me and I did something I wish I hadn't and now I'm without a job.

I was fired yesterday by my regional manager. I feel a little numb about the whole thing that is when I'm not feeling hopeless about the future. This job was my life. I Don't know what I'm going to do now. The people I worked with are like family and now I've been thrust out of the home we created at work. I may be romanticizing just a little. I've only been there for two years but I can't imagine working anywhere else.

I'm ok moneywise for a couple of weeks maybe up to a month if I'm very careful with what I spend money on. I'm thinking of taking that time to try my hand at writing for money again.

The event that got me fired happened Saturday. I was suspended for a week during which the regional manager came down and decided to fire me. Early in the week my sister told our manager(she works at the same store I did) that it may have been the hormones I was taking that caused me to lose my temper the way I did. She also told her that I use the name Gillian online. I was a little worried that this might create some tension between us until my sister told me that my manager had said I might be happier if I expressed some more femininity and that I would make a beautiful woman. So now we're closer than we were but now I'm not working with her and I feel so sad.

This too shall pass. One door close and another opens. I'm going to fine. I promise.

Gilly

It's my birthday

I say this not to inform anyone but to explain why I got a card from my parents. A card that very blatantly features the words son, boy, and man. I come out to them as trans two years ago. Maybe I wasn't as clear as I could have been but they seemed to et the idea. Until recently when I noticed that card they were giving my for Christmas and now my birthday are very much for a guy. This isn't to say that I'm totally sad today. My sister gave me two cards today neither of them 'for a guy' and I've gotten more than a few happy birthdays via facebook and txt. It's just, they're my parents. You know. Well enough moping about that, I'm going to read the internets now.

Writing update

Well two days ago I finished the second script for the animated series I've been working on with my co-worker. I don't know if I mentioned when I finished the first script but it was done two months ago and took two months to write. Which if you parsed that last sentence means I took two months to write each script. This is the single longest piece of fiction I've written at fifteen pages. I am immensely proud for staying with this project but I know that I couldn't/wouldn't have even started it if I didn't have my co-worker(here after reffered to as Neil) to keep me focused on the project. He came up with the original concept and characters. He has helped me come up with numerous plots. He is half the creative team on this project. I don't know what I would do without him.

You know one of the more satisfying things I've done lately has been handing a script to Neil and watching him laugh as he reads it. It also lets me know that I am writing stuff that is funny to other people and not just myself.

On a slightly different note I found a notebook with about half a dozen partial stories in it. Some are ok and some are good and one made me go 'who wrote this?' cause it seems much better than anything I've written before. I'm thinking about reviving my second blog as a flash fiction blog instead of the serial story that stalled blog. More on that as it developes.

Stopping now cause my cat is threatening me bodily harm if I don't give her snuggles.

Recently I had a bit of a revelation. As you may know I am the assistant manager at my job. What you may not know is that I don't always feel like I've earned it. I sometime feel like everything I'm doing is wrong. That I'm failing in every aspect of my job. I can look around and 'see' that I'm doing my job just fine and the store is not failing because of me but I still 'feel' it. So I put as much effort as I can into the store because not doing so make me feel like a failure. Everything that goes wrong feels like someone telling me I'm doing a bad job, whether or not it's something I can control.

I've learned to deal with these feelings and thoughts. Somedays are worse than others. Somedays I feel fine. Others I cry in the bathroom.

The other day was a bad day. First there was an email about a customer complaint. Then another customer came to the store about a cake we had messed up. And then another one called about another cake we had messed up. None of these complaints were my fault but I still felt like I was being told I sucked at doing my job. I tried very hard not to break down. But I couldn't not break down so I went to the bathroom and had myself a cry. Afterward I felt better for having letting it out.

I bought a book called The Depression Handbook. I thought it might help and if I had bought it five years ago it might have been of some help. Today I'm beyond that book in dealing with my depression. Every tip and trick and all helpful advice that fills it are things I've taught myself over the past few years. On one hand I feel good that I am managing my depression fairly well. On the other hand I'm like, "Is this as good as it gets? Am I going to feel like this till I die?" I wanted to see that the path goes on and instead I got a map to where I am now. When I was done reading the book I threw it across the room. Not a very mature response I know but it was how I felt at the time. I wish I had had some sort of realization about where I was headed, some sort of positive message to end on but I didn't.

I'm just typing sweet nothings to any who read this to let you know I'm still alive.