depression lessening?

Just making a note of the fact that I cleaned my room tonight and built a three drawer dresser. These two actions may be indicate that my depression may be getting better for now at least.

Thoughts on coming out

I've been thinking a little bit about what it would mean for me to come out as transgender at work. I started thinking about this when I reread a post I made several months ago in which I stated:

I've said before many times that I need to come out at work. I think I'm going to stop saying it cause it doesn't matter. [..] This is not to say that I won't come out at some point but I'm not thinking of it as something I have to do but as something I will do when the time is right for me.

Reading later posts I can see that I didn't stick to this bold idea but thanks to me having written it down it has a new lease on life. I have decided that I don't need to come out at work right now. I've also decided that I don't need to hide anymore. I've taken little steps toward not hiding like wearing my transgender symbol necklace and using pink hair ties.

Today I took a bigger step. Today the new manager asked me what my necklace meant. I've been asked before and most times I have changed the subject or said it was personal. Today I answered her question by simply saying, "It's the symbol for transgender." I hesitated but spoke clearly and without shame. I even showed her how it incorporates the symbols for female and male while adding a combined one. And nothing bad happened.

Maybe I'm being melodramatic or just a drama queen but really I expected some sort of reaction from the universe. I just took a big step toward living a more open life and nothing bad happened to make me hide in the closet. Maybe the world doesn't revolve around me and the sun rises and sets with me there to watch it and a watched pot will boil but in twice the time and maybe the world isn't such a scary place after all.

work woes update

Ok so I'm feeling a little better. While I still don't like how Employee X was treated and I will be watching the new manager for more asshatness, I am not planning to quit right away. A couple of employee's came to me today and said they were not planning on quiting, which made me feel less abandoned. Another employee told me that she admires me for keeping at my job even though it has been really stressful on me and for not taking that stress out on anyone else. It really made me feel better knowing that someone had noticed the work I had been putting in to the store.

So I have decided to stick it out for a little while longer at least.

work woes

So Wensday the new manager started working at my store. She and employee X for one reason or another did not like each other. New Manager(NM) didn't like EX's work ethic and EX didn't like some new person telling her what to do. (I realize NM is the manager and she is in charge but she is still an unknown quantity the everyone). So when NM made the schedule for next week she cut EX's hour from 35 to 4 which prompted EX to quit.

I talked to NM about EX and asked why not just fire her if she didn't want her working there. NM's answer was that she didn't want to deal with having to write her up and then fire her. She would rather make EX quit than fire her.

Later we were again talking about EX and NM brought up how she had seen EX basicly doing nothing while on the clock. I then said NM should have written her up then and if she had ignored that then she should have been fired. NM said that she didn't want to be the bad guy.

NM doesn't want to be the bad guy but manipulating someone into quiting seems to me to be a bad guy move.

Several people have told me that they're looking for new jobs. I feel like everything I worked for the past few months to keep the store running is for nothing if we fall apart. I feel betrayed by my coworkers. I don't know what to do. I don't want to have to find a new job. I don't want to work some place that I feel dread going to everyday.

NM wants to run the store by the book. She's told me repeataly that she needs me. I wonder what will happen if she want to enforce the male dress code that includes short hair and no earings on me. Will I quit? Will I submit?

I feel so confused.

I'm still here for what it's worth.

I've wanted to post a couple of time in the past week or so but my posts keep getting derailed by the fact that I have been feeling more depressed than usual. So I figure I'd write a little about that.

I am depressed. It's easy to type but so hard to say. I've only said it once in passing to someone. If I were to tell more people part of me would feel like I was just fishing for sympathy.

What makes it harder is that I am functional in day to day life and I actually excel at my job. But I don't feel happy most of the time. At work I sometime begin to feel like everything is wrong that I'm doing a terrible job and the store will soon begin to fall apart. I KNOW that none of that is true but I still feel it. I have to remind myself that everything is fine that I'm doing the best job that I can and the store is running fine. I have to do this almost constantly some days.

To be a little random here is a pic of my cat Pia. It took me almost fifteen minutes to get a pic in which she wasn't just a blur.

I have returned

Due to paychecks and bills lining up just right I was left with a little extra money this month, which I spent on a new netbook. That's right I have rejoined the internet world so expect longer and more frequent posting. But not right away. Right now I'm working on installing all the programs I use to use on a daily basis. Things like a feed reader and openoffice and Miro and tweetdeck and stuff I can't remember right now. Also I need to rebuild my bookmarks from scratch. Plus I'm going to be looking into finding some free animation programs for a project I'm working on with a coworker.

So I'm back but not really until later in the week. See you all then.

Gilly

Since I haven't done so in a while, I'm posting a pic of myself. Please excuse the wet hair I'm typing this up between showering and going to work.

Quick Update

Yes it's just another I'm still alive posts.

I'm typing this on the computer at my workplace. It's been months since I typed on a keyboard infront of a real monitor. The Wii barely passes as a web browser.

Anyways I'm still running both stores but the regional manager will be in next week and she said she would be making a decision about managment then. I'm hoping that she will decide to make me the new manager. I would need a little more training to really take over but I really feel like it would be the best thing for the stores and employees.

I bought a car. After three years of choosing not to own one, I am once more a car owner. It kind of became essentiall after the stores fell into my lap. I needed to be able to say, "I'll be there in five minutes," if something went wrong at either store, which has happened in the past month.

It is New Year's Eve so I guess a resolution or two is in order. I'm not really big on resolutions as goals to achive and cross off a list but rather as something to strive toward like world peace or eating less desert.

Resolutions for 2010:

Really the only one I care to make is: Make more progress in transition. I've made this resolution twice before but I don't feel like I've failed to achive it. While I'm not yet living as a woman in my day to day life, I have come out to my parents and at my previous job and I have started hrt. I'm marking my own path. It might be longer than others but I will arrive.

I gotta go the mall doors will be locked soon and I need to do laundry tonight. See ya soon I hope.

Gilly