checking in

So it's been a bit since I posted. Actuclly it's been a bit since I've been able to finish a post but anyway something happened today that I wanted to relate.

So I'm at work and I'm rolling out cookie cakes for the first time in like forever when I hear someone call out "Ma'am, how much are these?" I look up cause even through I'm nowhere near the front counter I know they are talking to me and when I look up I see that they are looking back at me. I step out from behind the rolling table and walf over to the counter and tell the teenage girl who was calling me the price of what she was pointing to. Her jaw drops and she begins saying, "I'm so sorry I called you ma'am," and variations of such for a couple of minutes. I found her utter horror at her 'mistake' to be quite amusing but did my best to get her to understand that it wasn't a big deal.

But is it a big deal? Gender is 'serious business' for most people. Calling a guy a girl can lead to yelling or even physical violence. I feel like I'm in a state of flux. I can abide being called sir because I haven't made my stand, yet. I do prefer ma'am through. I wonder what the girl would have said if I had said I preferred to be called ma'am?

This brings to mind another incident from a few days ago. A man and his young daughter were watching me make pretzels. As he watch me he was talking to his daughter telling her that I knew what I was doing and to watch me. Throughout all of it he referred to me as she. When I then had to serve him he slipped in a questioning, "sir?" To which I just smiled. Before he walked away he made one more comment to his daughter in which he again called me she.

Right now that seems to be my lot in life. To pass some of the time but only when I'm not talking to the person. I could be upset about this but really I'm not, cause even this is more than I thought I could even have. I've been on this journey for sometime now. Stuck in a holding pattern waiting for the skies to clear. I think it's time to brave to storm.

Enough metaphor for now what do I mean by this? I mean that I'm within a stones throw of telling my boss and everyone at work and in my life that I don't want to hear his name anymore. That I want to be called by my name and referred to as she. I want to say to customers I prefer ma'am. I want to live openly as myself.

I want this so bad but I have to choose it for myself. No one is going to give it to me. I have to take it.

***

Oh yeah and that guy called me at work again. I was busy at the time told him I was and when he asked if I would call later I said I didn't know and hung up. I talked to my sister about his first call and she agreed that him asking me to come over to his house seemed sleazy.